Jesus Tortilla

Last Thursday, some batshit lady from New Mexico was making breakfast for her 12 children when Jesus himself decided to send her a message. Instead of talking to her, or performing a kind act, he instead felt that the only way to get through to her was to appear right before her very eyes...on a tortilla! And even though noone really knows what Jesus looks like, and people will believe in ANYTHING, it was truly a genuine honest-to-god miracle of epic proportions.

The original Jesus tortilla

This meant it was high time to shell out some cash, and start praying to a piece of flat bread. Truly, our God is an awesome God. Ever since then, people everywhere have been finding Jesus on various food items, in windows, and anywhere else that someone in need of your money happens to be.

Do You Believe in Miracles?

Some may ask - why tortillas? Well, as bitches don't know, Jesus claimed during the last supper that the bread was his body. And, like suckers, people believed him. It should also come as no surprise that as a Jew, Jesus would be toasted over and over again.

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  yet another Jesus tortilla
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  Jesus potato chip
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  Jesus fish stick (usually with a fish stick the burned patches are perfect squares)
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  Jesus frying pan
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  Jesus oil stain
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  Jesus toast
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  moar Jesus toast
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  toast Jesus
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  Jesus window
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  Jesus pancake
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  Jesus woodgrain
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  Jesus MRI
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  Jesus oyster shell
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  Jesus shrimp
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  Jesus Jesus
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  Steamer pan Jesus
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  A virgin birth? Not fucking likely.
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  I wonder why nobody made pilgrimages to this one.
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  The original Cadbury Jesus.

Spinoffs

Some people also claim to see the Virgin Mary in a similar fashion. However, she isn't as popular as Jesus, or nearly as profitable, because everyone knows that Catholics don't have money.

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  The Virgin Mary appears in a George Foreman grill tray.
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  Virgin Mary turtle
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  Virgin Mary wood paneling
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  Chocolate Virgin Mary
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  Jesus and Mary pancake. There were two faces so the other one has to be Mary. It's the law.
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  Virgin Mary windows BALEETED! Some atheist threw rocks through the windows a few years ago.
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  Virgin Mary wall
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  This looks shopped

Other Religious Apparitions

Of course this phenomenon isn't isolated to just Christians. People of all religious persuasions are crazy enough to believe in this shit.

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  The trees say "there is no God but Allah" in moonspeak
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  Sadly it was beef, not pork
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  This one has "God's servant" on its belly "Muhammad" near its head, and "His Messenger" on its tail. Word has it that it was also delicious.
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  With a translation for the non-believers
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  The image of Satan during 9/11. Even more irrefutable proof that Jews did WTC
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  This monstrosity is worshiped as a Goddess by Hindus. Probably wouldn't sell for much on eBay though.
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  Flying Spaghetti Monster pie
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  Atheist toast
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  Leno chip

Selling Religion on eBay for Fun and Prophet

Of course it's the Virgin Mary. If it's not Jesus then there's only one other thing it could be, logically speaking.

Jesus toast (with a bite taken out of it) sold for approx. £15,000. The Allah fish sold for only £10.

In America (where else?) a piece of toast depicting an image of the virgin Mary has sold for $28,000 on eBay. Not only is this toast a decade (yes, 10 YEARS) old but as you can see someone has taken a bite out of it. This leads us to conclude:

1. Americans are a breed of fanatics who need to see religion everywhere.
2. Americans are retards who will throw money at this religious fanaticism.
3. Americans not only see something that is clearly not valuable as being worth a lot of money, they are so fucking greedy they will still eat it. That bite probably knocked $10,000 off the selling price.

• Read the news article here

DIY Jesus Toast

make your own miracle!

Tired of waiting for the Almighty to bless your breakfast? Well no matter because now you can make your very own Jesus toast! Methods include:

• Cutting butter into the shape of the almighty and putting it under the grill. Results suck.
• Using a laser to burn in the details. Unless you find some poor bastard to sell the toast to, the laser will simply cost too much.
• Prayer. SPOILER: this never works for anything whatsoever, let alone magical burned bread.
• ????
• PROFIT*

*Note: there isn't a prophet joke here because neither Jesus nor Mary were prophets. If you should get the image of a real prophet on your bread, then tough shit. Nobody cares about them.

Video

_{This guy should've just taken a picture.}

See Also

It's not Jesus but it'll do.

• Jesus
• Profit
• Things With Faces
• BREADCRAB
• OM NOM NOM NOM

External Links

• A veritable orgy of famous toast
• Make your own Jesus toast

	Jesus Tortilla is part of a series on Food and Drink [BleurghOm Nom Nom]
Food Bacon • Bacon and Eggs • Bread • Candwich • Cheeky Nando's • Chick-Fil-A • Fried Chicken • Chocolate Ice Cream • Cookies • Mayonnaise • Cupcake • Delicious Cake • Double Down • Green Onions • Ham • Honey Bunches of Oats • Hot Dogs and Sausages • Jesus Tortilla • Leeks • Liver • Meat • Pasta • Pears • Nutella • Pie • Pizza and Beer • Pork • Potato • Ramen • Sammich • Spaghettios • Subway • Sushi • Taco Bell • Topkek • Waffles • Watermelonz • Wendy's Superbar Drink Alcohol • Crystal Head Vodka • Coffee • Jizztini • Kool-AIDS • Milk • Mountain Dew • Pabst Blue Ribbon • Tentacle Grape • Whiskey • Wilkins Coffee Delicious Internets Ainsley Harriott • The Annoying Orange • BREADCRAB • Dancing Sandwich • Make me a sandwich • Food Pyramid • Gordon the Pringles Giraffe • Hypnocake • Loli Haet Pizza • Mershed Perderder • Sea Kittens • The Domino's YouTube Incident • Paula Deen • People eating fruit • Wikipedia's Greatest Hits Food • Растишка Not Fit For Consumption Amy's Baking Company • Andouillette • Armin Meiwes • Gordon Ramsay • HowToBasic • Jared Fogle • McDonalds • Pocky • Simply Sara • Subservient Chicken • Sugarless Gummy Bears • Calamari • The McNugget Burgler

Jesus Tortilla is part of a series on Truth Visit the Truth Portal for complete coverage.

Featured article November 19, 2008
Preceded by Gordon the Pringles Giraffe	Jesus Tortilla	Succeeded by Ellen Feiss