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JG Bennett
Many of us have got drunk and made a complete tit of ourselves at polite gatherings. James Gordon Bennett actually held the world record. Seriously.
The Man, The Legend
Dearly beloved, in the 19th Century people were leading the damned boring life. There was no Tumbles weeping for cocaine whilst simultaneously eating his sunglasses and cartwheeling majestically down our stairwells. There were no Hepkittens passing out nude on our lawn tables, and no Josephs to punch our girlfriends and attempt hilariously explosive self-destruction at our conventions.
Only one man had the vision and the balls to stand proud and say "No - THERE SHALL BE LULZ": newspaper magnate and proto-dramacrat, James Gordon Bennett, the ultimate douche.
It Was The Lulz Of Times, It Was The Frunz Of Times
Before we continue, it should perhaps be pointed out Bennett's shenanigans would barely raise an eyebrow amid the Sunday morning fug of regret on #ed. However, these were dark times; in those days ED was called The Guiness Book of World Records, and lulz pretty much consisted of finding people who could bounce a paddle ball for fifty hours or were unusually fat or ugly and pointing it out to the world at large. (Oh yeah, it's a whole new world now.)
In these bleak times when using the wrong soup spoon was held on a par with raep, Bennett would stride into restaurants and yank the tablecloths out from every table which he passed. Like a stage magician, only without the bit where all the food and drink stays on the table. He would then take out a huge wad of cash for the lost food and dry cleaning bills, and sit down to order his food.
Thus, the history books already recorded that Bennet was full of win. Regular win, obviously; epic win would have been getting the customers to apologize and pay the bills themselves. Nonetheless, he was well established as a lulzy son of a bitch. However, it was one fateful night at a party thrown by his hoity-toity socialite wife-to-be Caroline May. Bennet arrived about as physically refreshed as it is possible for a human being to be, staggered through the guests apparently unaware of his surroundings, whipped out his majesty and proceeded to mistake the fireplace for a urinal. This caused his fiancee to shriek the now-immortal words:
Aftermath
According to history, May broke off the engagement and Bennett was forced to flee to France. In actual fact he told her to gb2kitchen and she was lucky to escape a horsewhipping. Bitch tells me I can't piss in my own fireplace, get what coming to her, ya dig? The Guiness Book of World Records officially acknowledged Bennet as the EFG of his time, awarding him the prestigous "Worst Faux Pas" award (the 1890s equivelant of the Vox Dramatica prize). Receiving it he announced "My work here is done," and set off across the English channel to troll the cheese-eating surrendermonkeys.
The phrase "Gordon Bennett" was forever immortalised as the "WTF R U DOIN" of its era, and can still be heard echoing like song from the lips of the funny computer from Red Dwarf and people trying really, really hard to be British.
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JG Bennett is part of a series on Visit the Trolls Portal for complete coverage. |
