Black Phoenix Alchemy Lab

Having perhaps one of the most magickal business names this side of Merlin's Ye Olde Mystical Apothacary Shoppe, Black Phoenix Alchemy Lab (called BPAL for short) is a online peddler of scented oils. Scented oils with fucking hilarious wonderously illuminating names like Beaver Moon, Embalming Fluid, Cthulhu, and Le Serpent Qui Danse. They have a large cult following full of rabid wiccans, goths, lolitas, and fags ready to jump your shit if you dare disrespect the company so proceed with caution.

Sshh, I hear smell them coming.

The Introduction

	“	Welcome to the Lab! We specialize in formulating body and household blends with a dark, romantic Gothic tone. Our scents run the aesthetic gamut of magickal, pagan and mythological blends, Renaissance, Medieval and Victorian formulas, and horror/Gothic-themed scents. By utilizing our knowledge of homeopathy and aromatherapy, the conceptual theories of hermetic alchemy, and the aesthetic artistry of perfumery, we have mastered the art of encapsulating allegorical ideas into singular olfactory experiences. We are the first of our kind, and have over 10 years of practical experience in the field, and our expertise shows.	„
	—Black Phoenix Alchemy Lab, [1]

As this statement sums up everything about this company nicely, we could end the article on this subject right here, but this is just the surface of BPAL's legacy.

Sniffing Parties

SMUT.

Originaly the domain of the rich and powerful in the 70s and 80s, sniffing parties have been taken away from CEOs, cocaine, and the whores who want them. Sniffing parties have been given back to the people! -Large, ill-smelling people. Now groups of BPAL fans get together all over the world to smell each other's perfume and trade their liquid crack with each other. You'd think that at these parties they are mainlining Dragon's blood resin with white sandalwood, dusty orris and crisp blondewood, but nay, they are buttchugging moonbeams, faeirie dust, and The Goddess Herselyf. DO NOT FORGET THIS IMPORTANT FACT, MUNDANES!

Be it called a sniffing party, meetup, sniff 'n' meet, or orgy, despair in the fact that right now there is middle aged women in a room cooing over the latest rare perfume blend slathered all over the skin of their peers.

The Further Adventures of BPAL Junkies

The Pied Piper smiles as the children come to the slaughter.

$1,500 of what will be expensive vinegar within a year.

A popular activity is to horde limited edition scents and then pimp them out to other crack scentwhores for cash or other oils. Years back, BPAL took a month or longer to mail out orders, so fans have retained a do-or-die mentality about collecting their favorite spunk lest it be gone forever. They will fight each other to the death on eBay or LiveJournal to get that special scent and will publicly cry over their loss if beaten to the punch.

Another thing deemed normal and totally kawaii by junkies is to make icons, big and small, for their most favoritest scent. Hours upon hours will be spent in MS Paint getting their expression of love just right for the approval of their heavily scented peers. In fact there are entire websites and LJ communities devoted to this activity, being one of the only things collectors will do outside of rapidly clicking on BPAL's online shopping cart.

The most hilarious part of it all is that every single perfume has a shelf life. Yes, this includes the overly expensive BPAL oils as well.

Natural oils have the shortest shelf life. Within the first six months of creation, the scent starts to degrade. All sorts of cutters and chemical preservatives can be used to try to help extend the perfume oil's life, but even with scores of chemicals introducing perfume oils to bacteria (by, say, having a "scenting party") will make it spoiler much faster. Within a year the oils can actually go rancid smelling like vinegar, spoiled lard, and other less than fun things. The oils can also discolor, turn cloudy, or even clot as they decay in their little glass bottles.

Synthetics have a slower spoil rate, but no BPAL fan would ever admit to buying and using synthetically fragranced cheap-ass oils at ridiculous markup even if that's 100% of of their "five years old and not gone bad" oils actually are. In time even synthetics can and will spoil, however. Perfumes are not a wise investment, not that any of BPALs buyers are actually wise.

Dragon's Blood Scented Drama

Care to try a sample of Wank?

Not just limited to the previously mentioned duels over bottles of perfume, the BPAL community is constantly filled with the highest quality drama. Seething hatred flows from their fat-clogged veins over such such topics as the labels on the bottles, people wanting way too much for discontinued perfumes, if someone also likes LUSH soaps or not, and other things worthy of 40-year-olds acting like 16-year-old girls on the internet.

Anonymous hate memes are common, as is fandom-wide brawls over the silliest shit. Friendships have been forged and bitterly terminated over overpriced perfume oils, a nonstop circle jerk of epic proportions. Dare you defile the name of BPAL founder Beth and a legion of magickly inclined warriors will storm your e-fortress and try to make you feel really, really bad about yourself. =(

Links

Black Phoenix Alchemy Lab

BPAL Forums

Fandom Wank wiki entry on BPAL

[Close them downOpen the records]

Black Phoenix Alchemy Lab is part of a series on Cults