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Haribo® Sugarless Gummy Bears

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HOLY SHIT Americans weren't the first to weaponize candy!!!1
   
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I was never asked to send snacks to my daughter's class again.
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Haribo® Sugarless Gummy Bears, better known by their street name Satan's Thunder Demonshits (STDs), or among the children as "Daddy's Special-time Candy", are an inedible abomination produced from the minds of ex-Nazis; the unfortunate byproduct of the German company Haribo attempting to sail waters long unfriendly to Europeans—humanities and health ethics. Originally sold as a targeted poison for the average loser overwhelmed with munchies from a bit of the old herbal jew, Haribo miscalculated the popularity of their own normally-delicious products and quickly saw a record number of complaints, lawsuits, and cease and desist letters as the entire world pigged out on a "healthy" alternative to their childhood dreams.

It will never look the same.
The warning recommends you limit your gummy dosage.
Another Haribo product, literally ass with ears.
Haribo's secret recipe


Killer of Childhood Dreams

 
Diarrhea Bear is your only friend.

The internet has been around for a while. During this period, most of us have had our innocence raped away from our psyche. However, there are still small parcels that exist in the real world, often overlooked for their brilliant simplicity, which allow us to have just one more small glimpse into our precious, carefree years. Gummy bears are one of these things. But, when placed in the hands of the offspring of the people that gassed and burned humans for lulz, what we have left is a sick, fucked up version of everything good in this world, turning our few childhood memories to nightmares that will literally and physically leave you with cold chills and in fetal position writhing in your own waste. If candy had an uncanny valley, this would be the definition. The ingredients are simple enough: Lycasin, demon cum, and bonemeal.

What the people think

The reports on these gummies are detailed enough to provoke Vietnam flashbacks in the seasoned veterans and give newbies a taste of whats to come.
   
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I didn't immediately notice the difference between Haribo Normal Gummi Bears (which are designed for human enjoyment) and Haribo Sugarless Gummi Bears (which are designed for use in maximum security prisons as a way to punish uncooperative inmates).

I shan't make that mistake again. (notice you can't spell SHAN'T without SHAT.)
 

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And then I saw it. The decorative bowl sitting in her lap. Down to just the last few sugarless Gummi bears. "Du hast Haribo!" she said to me. Accompanied by a satisfied smile. A big, beaming Hansel and Gretel smile, that slightly turned down in one corner at the sound we both suddenly heard. A low rumble from deep within her GI tract that sounded like Gefahrrrrr. The German word for Danger.
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Up to this point, nobody has observed my struggle or my exchange with the flight attendant. "I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry." That's all I can say as I limp toward her like Quasimodo impersonating a penguin. I manage to peel back the leather seat top to find a rather luxurious looking commode, with a nice cherry or walnut frame. It had obviously never been used, ever. I was going to take this toilet's virginity with a fury and savagery that was an abomination to its delicate craftsmanship and quality. I imagined some poor Italian carpenter weeping over the violently soiled remains of his once beautiful creation. The lament lasted only a second as I was quickly back to concentrating on the tiny muscle that stood between me and molten hot lava.
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"I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m so sick...SHUT THE DOOR!" I screamed. The door slammed and I managed to find an extra sheet which I cut up and wiped with. Now the next question: what was I supposed to do about the red plastic trashcan full of steaming excrement that had the consistency of watered down pancake batter? I triple bagged it and placed it outside in a spare compartment.
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Full Review Copypasta

Oh man...words cannot express what happened to me after eating these. The Gummi Bear "Cleanse". If you are someone that can tolerate the sugar substitute, enjoy. If you are like the dozens of people that tried my order, RUN!

First of all, for taste I would rate these a 5. So good. Soft, true-to-taste fruit flavors like the sugar variety...I was a happy camper.

BUT (or should I say BUTT), not long after eating about 20 of these all hell broke loose. I had a gastrointestinal experience like nothing I've ever imagined. Cramps, sweating, bloating beyond my worst nightmare. I've had food poisoning from some bad shellfish and that was almost like a skip in the park compared to what was going on inside me.

Then came the, uh, flatulence. Heavens to Murgatroyd, the sounds, like trumpets calling the demons back to Hell...the stench, like 1,000 rotten corpses vomited. I couldn't stand to stay in one room for fear of succumbing to my own odors.

But wait; there's more. What came out of me felt like someone tried to funnel Niagara Falls through a coffee straw. I swear my sphincters were screaming. It felt like my delicate starfish was a gaping maw projectile vomiting a torrential flood of toxic waste. 100% liquid. Flammable liquid. NAPALM. It was actually a bit humorous (for a nanosecond)as it was just beyond anything I could imagine possible.

AND IT WENT ON FOR HOURS.

I felt violated when it was over, which I think might have been sometime in the early morning of the next day. There was stuff coming out of me that I ate at my wedding in 2005.

I had FIVE POUNDS of these innocent-looking delicious-tasting HELLBEARS so I told a friend about what happened to me, thinking it HAD to be some type of sensitivity I had to the sugar substitute, and in spite of my warnings and graphic descriptions, she decided to take her chances and take them off my hands.

Silly woman. All of the same for her, and a phone call from her while on the toilet (because you kinda end up living in the bathroom for a spell) telling me she really wished she would have listened. I think she was crying.

Her sister was skeptical and suspected that we were exaggerating. She took them to work, since there was still 99% of a 5 pound bag left. She works for a construction company, where there are builders, roofers, house painters, landscapers, etc. Lots of people who generally have limited access to toilets on a given day. I can't imagine where all of those poor men (and women) pooped that day. I keep envisioning men on roofs, crossing their legs and trying to decide if they can make it down the ladder, or if they should just jump.

If you order these, best of luck to you. And please, don't post a video review during the aftershocks.


Legally and Discretely Troll the Ever-Living Fuck Out of the World

 
DIY fertilizer
  • Bring to parties
  • Give as a gift to ex-goyfriends
  • Give as a gift to enemies
  • Give as a gift to family
  • Give as a gift to friends
  • Give as a gift to a government employee
  • Donate as a thank-you parcel to the local Sheriff's Office
  • Donate as a gift to the local hospital
  • Give to your friend's pets just before they compete in a dogfight with your pet
  • Give to your friend's grandparents to hasten their inheritance
  UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES FEED THIS TO YOURSELF


5 pounds in one sitting

Scientificish explanation

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See also

External links


 
 Haribo® Sugarless Gummy Bears
is part of a series on
Food and Drink

[BleurghOm Nom Nom]
 
Featured article March 8th & 9th, 2014
Preceded by
Neknominate 		Haribo® Sugarless Gummy Bears Succeeded by
Rap Genius
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