Android

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Android is a Java application running on top a neutered Linux distribution. Ironically, in the context of how Unix got its name, "Android" is quite appropriate; it is now completely androgynous. It was made popular by Google with their shitbrick the G1. Android runs on various devices, most notably just about any phone by HTC and the Motorola Droid. It's the new one-size-fits-all OS, and the glue holding many a marketing circlejerk together.

Scan this with your phone's camera and the Android bar-code reading application.

What can you do with it

Google Chrome thinks that the Android Market is a cover for attackers to install malware on your computer, and they are correct!

Make phone calls. (Unless you have a Motorola Backflip with AT&T).
Exploit critical/unpatched security holes and act like its a feature. (also known as "root")
Download additional battery raping security holes.
overclock
Tether your phone to your laptop to share your phone's Internets illegally because you're too fucking poor to pay for it. This can be done via USB or WiFi.
Play Farmville.
Download free apps.
Download porn apps. (So as long as the Parents Television Council keeps their hands off the Android Marketplace!)
Download Sound /b/oard.
Install apps remotely with Appbrain
Use your bluetooth headphones.
WiFi / Wardriving
Take photos in the dark. (some android phones have double flash all the way)
Scan barcodes.
Use as a big screen TV. (see: Droid X)
Tell Google everything that you are doing. (This can be minimized by turning off "Submit usage to Google" and by not using Google Buzz.)
Buy a fucking piece of plastic to protect the screen from your dirty fingers from Verizon for $15. (WTF?!)
Flood the Android Market with over 9000 bogus apps that do nothing but show you a couple of images of celebrities ripped from Google Images and sell them for 99 cents.
Download Viruses.
Pinch to zoom.
Use Google Goggles to solve Sudoku
Use Google Goggles to identify fucking everything.
Play retro video games with NES, SNES, Genesis, PS1 emulators and more.
Use a physical keyboard (on many Motorola and HTC phones). Beware that if you are a fatty with fat fingers nobody cares about you or your ability to use a hardware keyboard.
Watch apps crash from over 9000 memory leaks.
Buy yourself some hookers and beer with the extra money you won't be shelling out to buy an iPhone.
Laugh at people walking out of an AT&T or Mac Store who will be sleeping in a cardboard box with their Apple Debt.
Take photos of said cardboard dwellers as they cry their salty tears into the gutter because they have no home to go to anymore.
Make your own apps...CSIII style!.
Troll Steve Jobs
Troll iPhags, especially if they have iOS4.
Automatic application updates.
REAL MULTITASKING.
Voice Actions using Voice Search. (Android 2.2)
Be forced into using Bing (root will let you uninstall)
Sync with Google Chrome. (Android 2.2)
Fuck it.

What you can't do with it

Main promotional photo for the G1, where the clock is set to 2 different times 2:47 and 9:11. This is thought to be a message from an elite group of Google engineers tho are desperately trying to get out the truth.

You can't use it with any iPod enabled device. Like you would want to anyways, not a big loss there. You can, however, plug it into any standard audio jack or USB port.
Some devices can't be used with a Mac because it hasn't been approved by your Apple Genius, and nothing of value was lost.
You can't use IRC on some 3G networks that only allow for secure connection. You can however IRC using WiFi or through 3G on browser based clients like Mibbit. You could also be 1337 and SSH in through a UNIX server and screen irssi you Mary. Nothing is more fulfilling than unleashing the power of gay.pl while you are driving.
~~Install it on an iPhone.~~ Now you can.
Have an acceptable battery life. (GIANT battery may fix)
Have a mediocre battery life. (Root+CPU manager fixes this)
Back up your phone log or text messages. (3rd Party has this covered nao)
Back up your browser bookmarks (Again, 3rd party has it covered)
Back up any of the apps you downloaded for free. (Most of the apps that you paid for are remembered. PDANet won't appear in that list because you paid the folks at PDANet not Google.)
Back up any other data stored on internal memory. (See root)
Get the guy at the phone store to DELETE FUCKING EVERYTHING off your old Android phone.

What it can do for you

Send a SMS intended for a chick you're fucking to your girlfriend, your boss, and your grandma without you knowing.
Randomly delete all of your messages.
Reboot for no apparent reason.
Reboot for no apparent reason during an important phone call.
Share your authTokens with everyone.

What you will be able to do with it in the future

File:Android pr0n.jpg

A perfect gift for little kids.

I, for one, welcome our new Android overlords.

Play WebM/HTML5/VP8
Play music over the cloud without buffering or hiccups (Google is making music to stream over your network instead of using space).
Use it with Google TV to run your porn apps.
Divide by Zero (According to Gizmodo).

Banned Apps

Just like Apple, Google also has a blacklist of apps, although they have yet to blacklist most of the shit apps that flood the Android Market everyday. Verizon, in particular, doesn't like any app that allows users to avoid paying their $20 add on fee for Wifi tethering. The average Android user is paying about $107 per month for service through Verizon Wireless, so fuck them.

Easy Root was removed from thew market for stealing the source for the app from DMUpdate, a FREE rooting process.
Android recently decided to remove a slew of Hitler and Nazi themed add-ons from the Market for being obscene in the eyes of Jews. No word yet on when the Star of David is going to be taken down for being offensive to the rest of the world.

ED Users on Making Apps

“	No don't. It's a java sandbox wrapped in another sandbox.	„
—User:h64

If for some in-fucking-credibly misguided reason you do decide to make an app, heed this warning; you will want to fucking shoot yourself half way through.

Android Kill Switch

On June 25, 2010, Google added a new remote feature to the Android Operating system: The Android Kill Switch. While Google defends this new backdoor program will be used for good to allow Google to delete shit apps off your Android phone, it is essentially Google's version of the Internet Kill Switch.

UPDATE: As a wise sage once predicted, Google has in fact used the kill switch. Google is an enemy of your freedom.

Oracle Gets Butthurt

In a move that seems like one part dickery and twenty parts stupid, Oracle, not mere months after acquiring Sun, have decided to sue Google over their use of Java as the primary development language for Android. If Oracle somehow wins this suit, it could mean the end of Java on Android. All things considered, this would not be the worst thing to happen considering Java is pure and utter shit. Besides, didn't Google make some other compiled language? Why the fuck don't they just use that? Anything is better than fucking Java.

How to Troll Androids users

Android, more so than any other OS, attracts unrivaled numbers of fanboys. Android users are very defensive about their phones, and tend to tell users of other phones how great android is even when nobody gives two shits. They also believe that rooting makes them computer gods. Because android users are so pointlessly in love with their phones, they make for easy trollng. Any of the following are effective both online and irl.

Complain about the android platform being too fragmented.
Say Apple's app store is better than android market, and be sure not to give any supporting evidence.
Say iOS has better multitasking.
Say they're to poor to afford an iPhone/blackberry.
Tell them google is tracking everything they do with it and everywhere they go.
Point out that root apps are taking advantage of serious security flaws, and that any other app could as well.
Say that more apps are free on android because they suck dick.

Bitch I got an Android

Bitch I Got An Android, fuck you iPhone fanboys [Music Video]

	“	Android been doing that shit, plus they got Flash, and if you talk shit about Android I'll slap you on your ass. Stick my finger up it, and then I'll say fuck it.	„
	—TripperOnDaTrack - Not realizing that it is impossible to sound gangsta and gay at the same time unless you are in prison.