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My Little Pony Arena
Many people assume that sparkly, brightly colored toy ponies commonly made from polyurethane are merely playthings for prepubescent girls or that My Little Pony is something enjoyed only by those 12 and under. These people are wrong. The MLP Arena is a forum whose members worship Hasbro's My Little Pony; membership in this cult is restricted to age 14 and up.
Ponies are SERIOUS FUCKIN' BUSINESS.
Who Are the MLP Arena Members
- Fat middle-aged women who enjoy taking pictures of themselves proudly displaying wall-to-wall shelves of toy ponies or altering their self-portraits to turn themselves into full-sized anthropomorphic horses using MS Paint
- Women in their twenties with no social contacts outside the Internet
- Women with GEDs and college dropouts, frequently unemployed or working customer service jobs
- Males (one hesitates to use the word men) who join the MLP All Boys Club, where they can share pony tales with members like DestroytheBoy, Nordicponyboy, Zuumboy, Sissyboy, and Iamreallyreallygay
- Girls ages 14-18 who fail to see the futility of seeking dating advice from women who have never had dates
- Moos and baby stalkers who continuously post pictures and updates on their little Bratleigh, from such epic milestones as first poop, to their battles with cancer
—DeliciousPrancer, getting trolled |
Baby Stalking at the Arena
Many of the members at the Arena are parents who collected ponies, themselves, as children. Many of the new parents require attention from fellow members, using a technique known as baby stalking. Baby stalking is a term used to describe the actions taken by, usually a mother, who insists on forcing the general population, some of whom don't give a shit, to see pictures, read descriptions, or watch videos of their latest newborn pony collector. Many threads of babystalking include describing such accomplishments such as:
- Sprog's first pony
- Video of Snotleigh with ponies
Although many members eat this up, other members are forced to come into contact with pictures and text that have them wishing homicide was legal.
The worst-known baby stalkers at the Arena include:
- Hikaru (be wary of her posts, each one contains graphic pictures of her brat and her text rarely if ever has anything to do with the subject of ponies)
- Autumnskyeangie (pregnancy photos. nuff said.)
- Spottedslug (although her recent posts have gotten better now that her sprog is growing up, she can still pose a hazard to those who don't like children)
- Aequanoctis (restricted to the Catfights, she finds her sprog so visually attractive that she posts numerous "adorable" photoshopped images for your pleasure)
There is an internal fight between the childfree and the parents in the pony community. Parents feel the childfree should leave the pony community, because "teh ponies are made for teh chitlins". However the childfree retort with the simple fact that "teh ponies are collectibles!"
What You Can Talk About at the Arena
- Using straws to curl pony hair and braiding pony hair
- Losing your friends
- Dead uncles/grandmothers/husbands/grandfathers/sisters/brothers/third cousins/pet rats
- Having no friends
- Clearing out your kitty's clogged butt glands with your finger
- Wishing you had friends
- How to pack your My Little Ponies for vacation so they will not be mistaken for plastic explosives
- Friends who steal from you
- How to remove excess body hair
- Your multiple physical ailments (see Note)
- Friends who sleep with your imaginary boyfriend
- Menstruation and menstrual paraphernalia
- Friends who force you to play Barbies
- Which states have legalized marriage between humans and My Little Ponies
- Being dumped by your husband/boyfriend/sister/best friend
- Friends who only pretend to be your friends but never invite you to parties
- Being an in-patient at a mental health clinic
- What to do when even your plastic pony friends won't talk to you
- Maury Povich
- How big Hikaru's brat has gotten
- How amazing the newest pony is, because not doing so, even by one member, will cause My Little Pony to be discontinued.
- Care Bears (the only friends who will never let you down)
- Using your Asperger's Syndrome as excuse for being a loser
- Meerkats
- Not being a furry because you're "only in it for the art"
Post about your guinea pigs at your own risk! Members who disagree with another member's pet care methods have been known to sic the SPCA on them.
Fortunately, the MLP Arena includes a handy directory of phone numbers used by its members on a daily basis [1], such as "Eating Disorders & Awareness," "Domestic Violence Hotline," "Family Violence Prevention Center," "Gay & Lesbian National Hotline," "Furries Anonymous," "Mental Health InfoSource," "National Institute of Mental Health," "Pet Loss Grief Support Hotline," "Suicide Prevention Hotline," and "Losers Anonymous."
Note about Diseases at the MLP Arena
For reasons unknown, women who frequent the MLP Arena suffer illness at a higher rate than the general population. Many of these may be attributable to their excessive time (5+ hours per day) spent at the computer, resulting in a lack of proper diet and exercise as well as side effects like vision problems, headaches, back pain, and mental health problems. Health problems suffered by MLP Arena members include (but are not limited to) anorexia, hair loss, thyroid cancer, back and chest pain, hiatal hernias, kidney infections, chicken pox, gallbladder disease, bestiality, nosebleeds, sinus infections, excessive dandruff, polycystic ovarian syndrome, depression, migraines, allergies, sandy vaginosis, having a sore ass from sitting too long, chlamydia and death.
What You Can't Talk About/Do at the Arena
- Abortion (this includes pro-life bumper stickers) and whether mothers of adult pony collectors should have had them
- Politics--Topics on advanced subjects like these confuse members. Stick to simple things, like the latest celebrity to die or your favorite Manga book
- Declawing cats (actually any animal rights topic is taboo)
- Use L33T speak or more than one capital letter per word
- Question the validity of discussing any of the topics listed in the previous == What You Can Talk About == list
- Criticize admins/moderators because they are all amazing perfect people who work very very hard and their asses must be kissed at all times
- Discuss cheeseburgers in any thread initiated for the purpose of discussing cake
- Request monetary donations (unless you are the site owner)
- Post images of naked My Little Ponies: "No vagina slits, no penis, no butt crack and no nipples may be shown in picture, drawing or custom form" (you may, however, *talk* about your own vaginas, penises, butt cracks, boobs and nipples)
- Bash eBay sellers (this does not apply to admins or their friends who may bash without impunity)
- Register an account if an admin/mod dislikes you
- Point out another "pony's" a.k.a. person's questionable actions and / or maturity
- Use profane language, like "hell" or "damn" or "fart" or "shucks"
- Post about your lesbian girlfriend dumping you and urinating on your ponies in "Off Topic" (Posts like these belong in "What's Your Problem"!)
- Tell other members not to post about their lesbian girlfriend dumping them and urinating on all their ponies in "Off Topic" (If members policed each other, mods would have to find something to do in life)
- Use a SIG that violates any of the 150 rules on what constitutes a proper SIG
- Register a new account once you have been deemed a "scammer" for doing absolutely nothing illegal and banned by the Arena admins
- Talk about your sexuality in Off Topic (again, this belongs in What's Your Problem, since homosexuality is srs business)
- Say anything negative about ANY new pony that is coming out in stores (because Hasbro will stop selling ponies if one member doesn't particularly like one pony)
Accomplishments of MLP Arena Members
The Brag Arena is a forum where members of the MLP Arena celebrate accomplishments with their closest friends. This is where you can boast about:
- Obtaining your 600th pony
Win this free headband! - Making your 500th post (see note)
- Making your 1,000th post
- Making your 10,000th post
- The amazing luck in finding a $10 pony marked for $5 at the flea market
- That you have kicked the Oxycontin habit
- An increase in your food stamps, which will allow you to buy more ponies!
- Pictures of your latest "custom" pony [2], made to look exactly like a prostitute, dominatrix, or someone else's "custom" pony
- Glueing oversized tails to your pony's ass and calling it a fox/squirrel/bear custom.
- Encasing a children's rubber toy entirely in clay.
- Your newest sprog
- Post a happy birthday announcement to yourself in hopes that you receive charitable donations
- The poster who gets the most birthday wishes is crowned Arena Queen and gets this nifty MLP headband!
Note About Achieving Your 500th post
Making your 500th post is insignificant when one realizes how many members have accumulated an amazing 15,000+ posts in less than 4 years! The forum owner herself has made over 40,000 posts (ah, the perks of being a stay at home mom!). However, once you reach your 500th post and have served six months in the puppies and kittens penitentiary of the main Arena, you become eligible to join the Slaughterhouse, where the real bloodletting takes place. This is a password protected forum where the "elite" go to pretend they are wearing no pants and cybersex with one another or post about their imaginary boyfriends, online boyfriends, and masturbatory techniques. Joining this elite club requires the ability to simulate adoration for pendulous oversized breasts (the kind associated with excessive weight gain) and type fluently with one hand.
Cause of My Little Pony Fanaticism
It is unknown what drives some individuals to obsessively collect toy horses and develop an intense need to talk obsessively about said toy horses with others. Some have hypothesized that it may be related to the "hoarding" behavior sometimes displayed by the mentally ill. Others believe it arises from the consumption of horse meat (known or unknown) during childhood, which results in "Mad Pony Disease," a condition in which the brain slowly disintegrates. Whatever the cause, those who frequent MLP Arena are extremely creepy and care should be taken when approaching them.
Manifestations of My Little Pony Disease
Everything is not all Good Morning Sunshine and Rose Blossoms at the MLP Arena. Like many of the mentally unstable, its members can become extremely volatile. Those with the highest post counts are angered easily and will attack en masse. Frequent targets:
- Sellers who fail to ship ponies within 2 minutes of receiving payment
- Members who secretly request low BUY IT NOW prices (Bins)on eBay auctions
- Members who cut the hair off of rare My Little Ponies that other members would kill for and post pictures of it
- Members who sign up for the Secret Santa program and send ponies that are not accompanied by an adequate supply of chocolate
Late Stages of Disease
In the advanced stages of disease, My Little Pony collectors expand to collecting Pullips, and MLP Arena has a forum just for this purpose. These are weird looking dolls who these warped women love to dress and redress in Barbie outfits and fix their hair while neglecting their own children.
Another sign of the disease is becoming delusional. This is when you mistakenly believe your intelligence is much greater than it is because you can successfully cut and paste from Wikipedia and make yourself look like you know something about which you know nothing.
Treatment
There is no known treatment for the condition at this time. Age, financial hardship, the rare instance of finding a boyfriend, and even getting a college degree or job seem to have little effect on the disease. It may be contagious and therefore you should avoid all My Little Pony meet and greets or conventions. Parents should never purchase My Little Ponies for their daughters under any circumstances. This appears to doom them to lives of idiocy, loneliness and bitchiness. .50 Cal Aspirins are currently in open trial and recommended by some psychologists. Also the proven treatment of a 12cc double barrel injection of shotgun mouthwash has proven effective. The rest were fapping to Furry pr0n.
Ponyland Members and Stalking
MLP Arena members who engage in bad behavior often find themselves evicted and stalked for years by MLP Arena admins throughout Ponyland. These admins, who belong to four or five My Little Pony boards, attempt to drive these women underground or to suicide. Admins hold grudges for several years and former scammers who resurface are publicly flailed at each board. The disease prevents Admins from understanding people make mistakes and/or are capable of changing. Admins have been known to post personal information of the disenfranchised, including their real e-mail addresses, home addresses, and full names, at other Ponyland forums such as Ponyland Catfights. This once resulted in a newly married woman who shared the same name as a supposed scammer (whose crime was asking for BINs) getting viciously mocked and flamed in her online wedding album in a feeding frenzy of Ponyland's finest. They also work with other pony board admins to get IP addresses of posters they have a personal grudge against to better track them.
Catfights members are highly paranoid themselves about being stalked on the Internet. Anyone who reads their public posts at the multiple forums and LiveJournals is an Internet stalker (never mind that pony addicts do worse than this to members of Ponyland they dislike, going so far as to interfere in their real lives). In Ponyland, the motto is guilty until proven innocent (if you survive long enough), and the Pony Justice Squad was formed to stalk unpopular MLP Arena members as well as deal with the serious problem of Internet stalking of Ponyland's elite. Each member of the Pony Justice Squad has a secret identity, represented by a My Little Pony in a super hero costume. The Pony Justice Squad ruthlessly seeks out evildoing pony sellers or those who criticize those members they have befriended and flame them with ad hominem attacks like "You have a sandy vag!" They are adept at hurling false accusations and frequently brand an anonymous or new poster with the wrong identity.
This is actually true. There are people that exist in the world today who hold this much rage in their hearts about goings-on in a forum devoted to My Little Ponies.
Note About the Catfights
The Catfights is a special forum for "special" people and is largely frequented by the fattest, most bitter, and foul-mouthed members of the MLP Arena. This is where they go to complain about how much they hate the other MLP Arena members, particularly those who overuse smiley emoticons or claim to subsist on ketchup packets. They are currently located at http://ponylandcatfights.com/viewforum.php?f=13 , and changing the link every day. Nice try, Drazi!
Vandalizing This Page
At least once a week, another MLPA member crawls out of the spawning pool and assaults this article, in a scenario similar to that of Zerglings futilely hurling themselves against a Terran bunker filled with Firebats. They are most upset by the pictures of themselves. I would be, too.
Man The Harpoons!
Related Links
| Featured article March 17, 2008 | ||
| Preceded by Ides of March |
My Little Pony Arena | Succeeded by SUPERCOOLWILLOW |
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