Discordianism

Discordianism is best described as a religion, apparently. Invented by a Star Trek nerd and two filthy hippies last Thursday when they got bored playing imaginary video games, it is, to nobody's surprise, almost 100% bona fide bullshit, and just like most bullshit fucking religions, it has a bunch of retards who actually take it seriously.

Azn myths, pentagons and apples: Together at last!

The basic idea of discordianism is that all religions are false. You can probably see the problem here. Yes, the people who made the religion decided to announce that all religions (including theirs) are false. This is a classical case of doing it wrong, and is indicative of everything you need to really know about this subject.

The Five Commandments

In his book, Principa Discordia, Malaclypse the Younger (Powerword: Gregory Hill) was inspired by Eris to scrawl some word that nobody reads or follows including those who subscribe to this comical belief system, and it basically reeks of faggy hipster 'wit'. in order to spare the reader's brain cells, the Five Commandments have been simplified below:

• I - Eris is the only deity out there, and the Discordian movement is the only Discordian movement. No really, it actually says that.
• II - All Discordians have to use the Discordian numbering system. Note that there is absolutely no explanation or tutorial given as to what this numbering system is, thereby making it impossible to obey this commandment.
• III - A Discordian must eat a hot dog on a Friday. This is done as a cutesy little attempt to troll other religions and their 'no meat on the Sabbath' rules.
• IV - Discordians cannot eat hot dog buns. Srsly.
• V - Discordians are prohibited from believing what they read, thereby making all of the previous statements ignorable. This was obviously done as a bullshit attempt to cover up for the large amounts of stupidity and fail that makes up Discordianism.

Followers

Typical discordian behaviour.

Here's their god, or whatever the fuck it's supposed to be. All I know is that it's pretty hot and needs some rule 34.

Adherents of the propaganda and other crap associated with this ploy, most notably the toilet paper known as the Principia Discordia, fall into 3 distinct groups. It is theorized by some that these are phases that each Discordian must go through on their path through life; these theorizers are sometimes known as Wicca and are ruthlessly mocked by actual people.

Fanboys, better known as asocial virgins, are those oh-so-edgy people you occasionally see on Internet forums, cracking inside-jokes for the benefit of their secret clubhouse religion. They don't seem to realise that everybody already knows about Discordianism, they just decided it was really stupid and went off to listen to Justin Bieber instead, which shows the average intelligence of the discordia fanboy, really.

Hipsters are now able to apply a dose of Apple iIrony™ to their tastefully post-modern worldview, chuckling over what were once worrisome logical contradictions in their thinking, and in so doing transforming themselves into giant walking cool-badges.

Robert Anton Wilson, also known as 'People who actually think this might be true, but don't shout about it'. This makes them the most dangerous breed of all. RAW is regarded to be the king of the discordians, despite having a head size approximating Jupiter. RAW is what all true Discordians aspire to one day reincarnate their sorry asses backward through time into. The last sentence, most likely written by a discordian, is all the evidence you need of the utter gob-smacking fucktardedness of this particular group. Also the author of The Illuminatus! Trilogy.

Drama involving Discordians

None. Absolutely none whatsoever. This isn't because they're chilled out or laid back or anything like that; they're just that boring and lazy. Trying to avoid this being found out, they'll do anything to convince you otherwise (but only OTI, where nobody has to move, conveniently enough.)

Probably the most exciting thing Discordians have ever come up with is something they call "Operation Mindfuck", which basically involves them being disobedient little shits and causing civil unrest through trolling, vandalism, protest movements, etc. However, because most of Discordianism's adherents are 13- year old boys who don't know shit about hacking or hipsters who are too lazy to get up off their asses, no one actually participates in Operation Mindfuck.

One of the only ways to extract any form of lulz (and even then, a weak draught) from these chubby fucks and hambeasts is to find their hidey-holes and accuse them of being bothered. Although seemingly unfunny at first, being bothered is the only sin in the discordian sham. Accusing them of being bothered leads to protests, which you can interpret as being bothered. Then you keep shouting that they're bothered, and hopefully they'll kill themselves or something retarded like that.

External Links

• The terrible, terrible forum for Discordians, the self-styled 'worst forum on the Internet'. and never a truer word was said in jest.

See Also

• Eris
• Chaos
• FSM
• Illuminati
• Truthism

[Close them downOpen the records]

Discordianism is part of a series on Cults