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Grand 16 Shooting
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BREAKING NEWS!! Another mass shooting! Time to report on it as fast as possible and muddy up the facts! |
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|---|---|
| John Houser | |
| Nationality: | Americunt 
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| Highscore | Killed 2, injured 9 |
| Top 25? | No, not even Top 50. #54 |
| Style | Single player |
| An Hero? | Yes |
July 24th, 2015 was a typical day in America. An innocent, hard working middle aged white man hailing from Lafayette, Louisiana went to the local theater to kick back, relax and enjoy a new flick he's been meaning to watch. Like with Dylann Roof, a group of savages begun to provoke and attack him. With no way to calm the horde, our hero, John Russel Houser, had no choice but to free himself using the liberating power provided by a firearm. When the fierce standoff was finished, our hero reluctantly had to use lethal force against 2 feminist aggressors before taking a swig of pistol mouthwash to avoid being lynched and eaten alive by these horrific uncivilized brutes.
Background
John was a 59 year old mentally ill redneck who's illness was so severe, that his wife hid his guns and his family had him forcibly locked up by the men in white coats; they even got a restraining order. In the 1990s, Mr. Houser often went on local TV shows, advocating for violence against filthy feminist cunts involved with abortion. If you don't know, abortion is responsible for the collective mass murder of over 60 million innocent Americans. Our hero, Mr. Houser, is nothing short of a hero. Houser also wanted to keep women out of the workplace, which shows that his intentions are to keep women safe and families strong. His "extremist" views were used to fight against bleeding heart liberals for the lulz.
As you see, all these pussy laws like the Brady Bill do not prevent any massacres but encourage innocent Americans to be nothing more than defenseless fleshbags. The Columbine kids used guns made specifically to appeal to the '93 assault weapons ban, and they still managed to kill 13. So much for liberalism...
The Last Day
After driving to the theater, John watched Trainwreck for half an hour before being forced up by his sapient firearm, and forced against his will to attempt mass murder. Police have arrested the suspect and are working on selling it to Mexican drug cartels for a quick buck. As usual, the men shielded the women from gunfire, and the women showed little respect in return and ran away, not even giving the saviors any head. Girl power!
These events are brand spankin' new, so don't expect for a dense article as of yet! We at ED are working our ass off researching and updating this article. Stay with us as we clear up the facts.
Graded Score
| Graded score | |
|---|---|
| Kills: | 2/20 |
| Accuracy: | 3/20 2 kills and 9 injuries with 16 shots |
| Style: | 11/20 Showing justified frustration to a shitty "Train Wreck" of a chick flick. |
| Butthurt: | 15/20 Almost perfect timing to 3 years after Aurora shooting |
| Bonus: | 17/20 An hero bonus and for targeting feminazis. |
| Total score: 48/100 (F) | |
See Also
- James Holmes – put in a similar situation against many more aggressors. Made it out alive after achieving a 12-0 KDR with 58 injured.
- High Score – sadly, our hero couldn't make the list.
- Dylann Roof – another trailer trash psychopath hellbent on destruction armed with a similar handgun
- The South
