Cannibalism
Cannibalism is the lulzy act of gobbling down a member of ones own species because of hunger, for fun, religion, or other reasons, if done by humans it is also called anthropophagy. While eating your own kind can have some survival perks in the animal kingdom, it is usually looked down upon in human society, if not done under the most dire of circumstances, like to save ones life. Being a cannibal is regarded as one of the worst crimes which can be committed outside of public office, and will lead to major jail time, the death sentence, being excluded from social events, and getting a show on Netflix.
—French lawyer Anthelme Brillat-Savarin,1826 | ||
History
While existing in almost every human culture, at some point in time, casual cannibalism in Eurasia was mainly practised during the stone Age, and only magical cannibalism managed to hang around longer, meanwhile the people of the americas, especially central america, would eat the ultimate Enchilada until the early 16th century. It is still unclear if, for example, the aztecs would resort to cannibalism out of necessity, or if their motivation was purely religious. The Abbos of Australia were also into snacking on each other until the british killjoys showed up in the 18th century, banning „long pig“ and introducing their own disgusting cuisine. Except for some eccentric gourmets like Jeffry Dahmer, and Armin Meiwes cannibalism is almost exclusively a thing on - you guessed it - the continent of Africa. Being served for dinner, or getting turned into magical take away food is part and parcel of life in places like Liberia, Nigeria, Uganda, the Congo, and many more african nations one should never visit for any reason but helping a royal heir in need. It would, of course, be unjust to think that the africans are savages who kill their fellow men just to devour their raw flesh, nothing could be more wrong, they have gas stoves, microwaves and refrigerators, so nothing goes to waste.
Health Benefits
Consuming your daily serving of Bill, Peter or Susie will very likely cause Brain rot, the transmission of parasites, and various other diseases, so dont do it, unless you really have to. If you really have to dont forget to write a book about it.
Kuru
Kuru is an extremely rare disease caused by an infectious protein, scientifically called a prion but We're using big words again, that is usually found in cannibals when they ingest brain tissue.
It was discovered to occur among a bunch of savage New Guinea Jungle Niggers that haven't heard the True, American, King James Version of God and practiced savage, Neanderthal funeral rites that had them eating the brains of their deceased.
This primitive funerary practice stopped in the 1960s thanks to the white man's influence over lesser beings and after the late 1980s early 1990s, because of Kuru's long incubation period, there hasn't been a recent case thanks to the wisdom of the White man and the teaching of proper religion to them.
Funny Euphemisms for man meat
- Long Pig
- The goat without horns (Haiti)
- Soylent Green
Famous Cannibals
| NAME | MUGSHOT | DESCRIPTION |
|---|---|---|
| Diego Rivera |  |
Mexican artist, on-off husband of Frida Khalo, and professional fat fuck. Wrote about eating the corpses of people who died in accidents, and which he organized from a hospital.Some believe he made it all up for clout, but look at that Fucker, of course he ate people. |
| Reza Aslan |  |
Jurno, TV-personality and half-assed Muzzy. While shooting a TV-Show he met a fucked in the head Hindu sect, which threatened to kill Aslan if he wouldnt eat the brain of a dead guy. His zombie antics got him into hot water, not for consuming human flesh, but for making all the hindus look bad. He got out with his Muslim-Card. |
| Idi Amin |  |
His Excellency, President for Life, Field Marshal Al Hadji Doctor Idi Amin Dada, VC, DSO, MC, CBE, Lord of All the Beasts of the Earth and Fishes of the Seas and Conqueror of the British Empire in Africa in General and Uganda in Particular. Ate people to assert dominance, didnt like the taste, said it was too salty, tasted worse than Leopard. |
| Armin Meiwes |  |
Got screwed over by the german justice system for ordering food online, allthough him eating a man was consensual and polite. |
| Alexander Sawney Bean |  |
Scottish ditch digger who married a witch, and proceeded to lead a clan of 45, of his inbreed children, murdering and eating 1000 travelers. Got terminally pwned by King James VI. |
| Gen.Butt Naked |  |
Liberian Ex-Warlord who fought naked, and ate children to gain +50 Armor and +20 HP. He got pardoned and became a minister. |
| Issei Sagawa |  |
Japanese Midget who shot and ate a Girl while studying in France during the 80s. He was sent back to japan where his rich dad organized a short stay in a hospital, fooling the press and the japanese public into believing Sagawa was locked away, soon after he walked out. Since he had commited no crime in japan, he was left unbothered by the authorities, he may have eaten hundreds since.
UPDATE: The people of Japan, and the surrounding countries can breathe a sigh of relief, Mr.Sagawa died on the 24th November 2022, and is therefore unable to devour the flesh of man. Should he return as Zombie and continue to eat people we will inform you. |
| Jeffrey Dahmer |  |
Americas favourite Cannibal who murdered, raped and ate people, managing to encompass all the meanings of "to take someone out". After eating 17 men and boys he was caught and sentenced to life, eternity and a bit longer. He was killed in 1994 by a guy who, by his own account, was told to do so by god, which may be the truth. Because of his popularity, still going strong after allmost 3 decades following his death, he recieved a gay themed Netflix adaptation of his life. |
| Mobutu Sese Seko |  |
His full name reads "Mobutu Sese Seko Nkuku Ngbendu Wa Za Banga" which means "The all-powerful warrior who, because of his endurance and inflexible will to win, goes from conquest to conquest, leaving fire in his wake." and he ruled as divine President of Zaire (Democratic Republic of the Congo) performing miracles and sometimes atrocities. Some say that he only sipped a glass of human blood once in a while, for health reasons, while it is safe to assume that he regularly enjoyed man-burgers. |
| William Seabrooke |  |
American writer and alcoholic who was interessted in religion, occultism, satanism, and voodoo, travelled the world and visited fucked up places like Haiti. He is credited with introducing the concept of the Zombie to the western world. Like Rivera he was able to obtain the flesh of a dead man from a hospital, he then cooked an d ate it to learn more about the taste which he described as compareable to veal. |
See also
