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Pirate Party of Austria
The Pirate Party of Austria is an internet party and the political arm of LiveJournal in Austria. The "Pöpö" ("Piraten Österreichs"), as it is called for brevity, has been founded on the strong premise that the Austrian electorate has had enough of large, dishonest, incompetent parties with lots of money and power and desires to vote for a small, dishonest, incompetent party with no money or power. Despite being the darling of Austria's mass media, the premise has yet to pay off.
This week's political vision
- abolition of free speech for straight, white males with a job
- abolition of intellectual property, or intellect in general
- free marijuana for basement-dwellers in need
- free filesharing for poor basement-dwellers
- guaranteed basic income (free money) for all basement-dwellers
- free döritös (Austrian doritos) in the mail
- final victory of communism
Overview
In the past, the party has mastered many challenges,
like printing dyslexic pamphlets and spamming its 9000
1001 777 69
11 members via
e-mail. The Pirate Party of Austria has yet to win a
major election, but when it is campaigning, the organization is
running on the tried and trusted infighting-platform,
laced with feminism, communism, Hitlerism and other
popular memes.
The Pöpö is open to everyone, except for elitists like
- marketing experts
- orators
- copywriters
- pamphleteers
- campaigners
- politologists
- lawyers
- illustrators
- slender females
Some political analysts argue that the party poses a serious threat to the homosexual agenda. By tradition, most of the party leaders have been vocal faggots and trannies with a tendency to out themselves in concomitance with public fuckups, smearing the prestige and reputation of world faggotry in the process -- often on national television. Gay rights activists in Austria have repeatedly called for a ban on coming out of the closet for pirates. Many Austrian homosexuals feel "defiled and degraded" by the party's gay retards and their antics. The critics are too polite to say that Austrian pirates are not exactly the type of queer anyone would pay money for to have sex with in any capacity.
Notable political achievements
Promotion of Hitler's Waffen-SS
... by posing with firearms and Nazi insignia for Austria's largest tabloid.
Source: Der Standard✡, July 9th 2012
That was the moment when infiltrating trouble-makers paid by The Man left the party for good. After all, that type of stiff competition from party officials made future smearing obsolete and futile, even for seasoned professionals. And they were right. Read on.
Need a license to toke?
Smoking up even once is a federal crime in Austria, but now, thanks to the effort by Alexander Ofer (see "Notable figures" below) and his homey Stemeseder (Satanist posing as a "popular" lawyer), you can laugh inquiring cops right out of the pool-hall. Just buy a slip of paper for 25 Euros and wave with that upon bustage. For an extra 10$ an eighth you will get all the weed you want soon! What can possibly be wrong with that? According to Ofer and Stemi their scam was a science project and therefore protected by free speech. Or something like that.
Your get-out-of-jail card for 25 Euros
Since there is never a shortage of lulz in Austria, one of the first customers of the pirates was an undercover narcotics officer. The narc did not buy the "we are doing it for science what is, like, TOTALLY legal"-excuse and ordered a raid. That got the dynamic duo and the pirates a lot of ink -- more than for their previous PR-stunt, which was a new workers union which cost 50 euros a year, also lucrative and of dubious legality. Source: The Local (in English)
There is "popular" (faux) lawyer Heinrich Stemeseder as the devil's advocate on youtube. You don't need to understand German to get the picture:
Edward Snowden
Edward Snowden became the party's prime candidate for parliamentary election 2013 -- a campaign joke which bombed big time on a federal level, alienated most journalists and gave rise to the international rumor that Snowden is in the closet.
Anti-bankster protest
Topless protest against "rich people", albeit without a single female in the picket line. That spoiled the effect to some extent and, true to form, looked gay on Austria's national television.
Pirates giving homosexuality a bad name
Inside, the protest geared up to trademark temperament and excellence in execution.
Federal executive board member Marcus Hohenecker schooling them evil banksters
Your eyes could use a mint now...
Notable figures
Florian Hufsky
Founded the party in 2006, offed himself in 2009. (Of course there are conspiracy theories. Don't ask.) English article in Wikipedia:Florian Hufsky
Christopher Clay
Sole heir to and second cumming of Florian Hufsky. Responsible for the great hemorrhage of 2014, when he sold out the pirates to the Communist Party of Austria, which doubles as a chain of petrol stations. You can't make that shit up.
Link to Clay's personal ad in the German Wikipedia: [http://de.wikipedia.org/wiki/Christopher_Clay Christopher Clay].
Here are urls to articles mentioning Clay's gaiety in some homo-rag on the web. German-speaking audiences only. Scroll down to end of article. You must copypasta the urls manually, because queers don't know how to internet and have angle brackets (you can't make that shit up, either) in their links:
http://www.ggg.at/index.php?id=62&tx_ttnews[tt_news]=5418&cHash=532cf403c599bb4ed5ac38520dcbba20
http://www.ggg.at/index.php?id=62&tx_ttnews[tt_news]=5407&cHash=4ae310046cf93b8ca03358ae551fb41b
Alexander Ofer
Dope fiend, scammer, faux union-leader, card-carrying schizophrenic of the paranoid denomination. Got busted in 2014 for owning five pounds of marijuana, one pound of hashish and half an ounce of cocaine. (See "Need a license to toke?" above.) In unrelated news, Ofer was responsible for the great party-schism of 2012, which resulted in two new pirate parties in Austria.
Interview to the bust (November 2014, no trial yet at the time of this reporting)
journo: Mister Ofer, police have found drugs at your place.
Ofer: That's my dope. I have saved a largish stash. That is a remedy to me, because I'm a paranoid schizophrenic.
journo: What about the cocaine?
Ofer: That's just for testing purposes.
journo: Will you step down now?
Ofer: Why? I'm a first offender. I'll walk home after six months.
Source: "Österreich", a gratis tabloid
Ofer saved something for testing purposes.
Albert Gugerell
Former Federal Treasurer, treated himself with a new sofa at the party's expense and boasted with it on his facebook. So far, no charges have been pressed and no official comment has been released. Austrian proverb: "He who giveth is stupid; he who taketh not is stupider" (deppert wer gibt, no depperter wer ned nimmt). That's apparently the correct attitude for a pirate treasurer. Sources are scarce, since the sofa is a skeleton in the closet (NOT GAY), but for people knowing German, there is an official brainstorming protocol on what to do about the affair. Synopsis: Legal action has been postponed indefinitely, because the perp does not answer the phone. Or so it seems.
Sylvester Heller
Troll, hater, hashishinist, anti-feminist. Despite many, many bad apples and snafus in the Pöpö, Heller is the only member who ever got kicked out of the party when he publicly sided with Anonymous Austria in questions of feminism, free speech and social justice. Heller's prose made him so famous that he ended up as a figurehead spokes-hater on German television.
Uli Meyrs
Heller's permafried buttfuck-buddy, Hitler-nut, troll. A petition to expel Meyrs for lack of elementary hygiene and siding with Heller scored nine signatures before it turned out that he had never been a party member in first place.
Wolfgang Bauer
Came into pirate politics for the money, stayed for the smell of young old butt until his secession in
2013.
(Details in the section "Salzburger Piratenpartei" below)
Splinter groups and competitors
(The websites are for German speakers only, but there is not much to see.)
Pirates of Tyrol
Now run by a fishwife; secession after a lost batch of organ donations, mostly brains.
Innpiraten
Splinter group of the aforementioned splinter group. Both members will probably pick up soap for Bübbä soon ("Bübbä" is a slang term for Afro-Austrian and Austro-African prisoners; see "Need a license to toke?" above). At the time of this report, Ofer and Stemeseder are still at large, but they will face a trial for their drug-trafficking and marijuana fraud.
Salzburger Piratenpartei
Wolfgang Bauer's now defunct palanquin for getting him into office. Bauer secretly registered his own party for state- and communal elections and kept gullible voters, the local press as well as the federal organization funding his ticket in the belief that he was actually running for the one and only Pirate Party while campaigning with main party's money. (Perfectly legal in Austria.)
Black Pirates
Not a real pirate party but voter fraud by the ÖVP, Austria's Roman-Catholic farmer's party. Established in 2012 for leeching youth votes from the National Socialist Worker's Party of Austria. The website has vanished, so the group has probably been disbanded, if it ever had more of an existence than just a web-presence.
Re(ct)al Democrats of Austria
Anti-Pöpö-Party with the aim of annihilating the Pöpö. They disbanded when all four members realized that the Austrian Pirate Party would self-destruct all by itself. The url belongs to a domain squatter now.
Party Pirates Austria
Not an incorporated party at any rate, but a hater forum run by Helly and Smelly, i.e the banned Heller and his boyfriend Meyrs. Those bitches don't know that they don't have to lift a finger in order to destroy the Pöpö. The work is almost done.
Hanfpartei
("Hemp Party".) As the name suggests, the Hanfpartei is a stoner party, complete with statute, annual financial reports, matresses, bongs, lots of munchies and ATHF-videos. Seceded over marijuana legalization issues and public fist-fights, as reported by Austria's tabloids in 2012. (The press stopped reporting on Pöpö-violence the same year. They call it the "news-biz" for a reason.)
Pirates consider "dry" conventions
(Translation from German, original by Der Standard✡, May 23rd 2012)
Viennese Pirates allegedly have been banned from their regular hangout
Members of the Viennese chapter of the Pirate Party of Austria bemoan the ban imposed on them by staff of their regular hangout, the Wratschko in the 7th district. Too much alcohol, some minor fag-slapping, nobody remembers what exactly has caused the ban. However that may have been, the party is in search of a new gathering place and discussing expulsion of the troublemakers from their midst, as well as a ban on alcohol at party events. (May 23rd, 2012)
Source: Der Standard✡, Austria's largest tabloid on the internets
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