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Matthew Shepard
Matthew Wayne Shepard (December 1, 1976 – October 12, 1998), was a happy-go-lucky homosexual who, as Fred Phelps would say, got what was coming to him. After he was picked up at a bar by two rednecks posing as gay guys, he was beaten, tied to a fence, and left for dead. He was found and taken to the hospital eventually, but by then it was too late, and his soul descended into hell.
Matty Shepard
Matthew Shepard began life with the poor choice of being born in Wyoming. Although born straight, he spent a year abroad in Switzerland, where he subsequently caught the Gay after going outside without a jacket. Adventures abroad continued to bring nothing but misfortune for Shepard; during a high school trip to Morocco, he was beaten and raped, a foreshadowing of things to come. His parents said this event caused him to become "withdrawn". At the time of his death, he was a political science major at the University of Buttfuck-Nowhere in Wyoming.
One fateful night, Matthew went out to a bar to pick up a burly black man to fuck him a new asshole. All he could find however, were two hick-ass rednecks who agreed to gangbang him. On the drive back to their place, Matthew told them "Hey, I didn't mention this earlier, but it's probably not important. I'm HIV positive, but since you guys are both gay, and all gay people are HIV positive, you must be too. Everything's cool right?". Unfortunately, although both men did indeed have AIDS, they had not been tested yet, and so were unaware. Their prospects for turd-stabbing having evaporated, both men flew into a rage. They dragged him out of the car, beat him, and tied him to a fence, admonishing him not to tell anyone about them. When they asked if he remembered their license plate number, Matthew was a little smart-ass and repeated it. This got him a well-deserved pistol whipping for his homosexual insolence.
He was eventually found, and brought to the hospital where the AIDS overwhelmed his weakened system and killed him. Being stupid fucking rednecks, the two perpetrators were eventually caught. Throughout the brief trial, it was very obvious to all involved that the two men were going to spend a number of years getting a lesson in anal irony for their gay bashing ways, as every single person in prison is homosexual. Reports indicate that on sentencing night, there was heated bidding for the right to claim each man as an asswife, leading to the single largest payment of cigarettes ever for a prison item. Both men are serving life in prison, where it is speculated that they require an anal-retread every three years.
Fred Phelps Springs Into Action
The minute that Matthew Shepard died in the hospital, Fred's sixth sense was triggered. Rising from his sleep, he roared "A FAG JUST DIED! Let's troll!", he roughly shook awake the rest of his family, most of which was in bed with him , and went out to raise hell. Naturally he picketed the funeral with his timeless message of "God Hates Fags", causing endless amounts of butthurt. Fred knew he was on to something special. Never before had America been more sympathetic towards the death of a raging faggot, and in his eyes, never before had America been closer to sucking off the devil. Given the brutal nature of the crime that was already generating hate crime legislation, Fred knew he had to act fast.
In a particularly inspired move, after a supreme court ruling that religious monuments could be built on public land, he petitioned Wyoming to build a monument in the town where he died which would have a plaque listing the date of his death as "the day Matthew Shepard's soul descended into hell". For his actions in the Matthew Shepard case, Fred was awarded the Silver Goatse, which is the Internet's fourth highest trolling related honor, for trolling "above, beyond, and completely exceeding the bounds of any reasonable taste or decency".
Congress Chips In
The Senate Jews, seeing a chance to score points with liberals, used his death as an excuse to generate hate crime legislation, ignore the murderers' protests that it was his Seropositivism, not his homosexuality which motivated the murder. A bill was started in Wyoming, which failed. Bill Clinton tried to extend hate crimes statutes, but was rebuffed by the House of Representatives. In 2000, legislation passed both houses before it was owned by a committee. In 2007, they tried again, only to have Bush give it the Veto-hammer. In short, the efforts of a few leftards to reduce trolling on homosexuals were defeated by having intelligent, moral people in the right place at the right time.
In a further act of lulz, during a recent debate over hate crimes Representative Virginia Foxx (R-NC), called the labeling of Matthew's death as a hate-crime a "hoax" while Matty's mom was in the room. Unfortunately, she later experienced troll's remorse and retracted the comments.
Virginia Foxx telling it like it is.
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Matthew Shepard is part of a series on Visit the Faggotry Portal for complete coverage. |