Encyclopedia Dramatica:Article of the Now/February 29, 2024
Final Fantasy VII Remake is to the ancient nostalgia fags looking to relive those teen years they lost some 60 years ago as a skinny little pedophile is to to a bunch of murder hungry prisoners looking for something to beat on just to pass the time and make one day appear different from the last couple thousand they have already served out.
The original is mostly known for making players cry in their pillow until their mommies took their little pussy asses for counseling because of Aerith getting that big ol' banhammer from 🔯Sephiroth🔯 and didn't come back to life like they expected, Remake is meant to be a retelling of the same old story that works to open it up more by making forgettable minor characters like Biggs and Wedge into more relevant ones and that are, at least, necessary for the plot to advance or, for the more cynical, a way the get gamers to dish out Shekals for a multiple game releases of the one they have already played.
The entire game consists of the first few hours of the original game spanning from when Cloud arrives on the train til you break Red XIII out of the pokey and have the highway fight after escaping Shinra. The most it does is give a new personality to Cloud, changing him from a whiney ass emo crybaby and more into the rough and ready soldier that he is supposed to be rather than the one in the original that only gets caught up in a Hero quest at the promise of getting a piece of ass from Aerith.
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