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Gloria Tesch
— Gloria Tesch, on autofellatio. | ||
Gloria Tesch is a teenage twat with a serious case of Unwarranted Self-Importance because she managed to shit out six poorly written fantasy novels via vanity publishing. Because her parents are desperate to cling on to any "talent" that their daughter may have, she fancies herself the future J.K. Rowling and is famous beyond any commoner's comprehension, though we all know this is just bullshit as calling her 800+ page tree-killers "glorified doorstops" would be a complete and utter insult to the door. Being in denial, she will spawn wave after wave of creatively named sockpuppet accounts of people with real purpose to society, such as psychiatrists, more esteemed authors, and various other nameless individuals in a desperate attempt to show that the world is eager to line up and suck her hypothetical dick.
She reaps in most of her non-existent fame by billing herself as the "world's youngest published author in the world". Most intelligent people know that this is false. The real record for that position is held by Christopher Beale, a Swiss six-year-old boy who wrote about his toys. Dorothy Brooks who wrote her first novel as she was four years old. It is pretty likely that both of them are probably better than anything Gloria has spun out.
The saga itself, a garbage heap of clichés, over-used plot lines, child-like world views and laughable dialogue, is titled "The Maradonia Saga". She wrote and published the first "book" before she was fourteen, which is highly noticeable in its large-print-slapped-together and total lack of quality-controlled glory. She was then urged on by her family for unknown reasons to continue the series, which now has six novels overall. Despite self-initiated claims of praise and adulation, it is a mystery as to why these books haven't been picked up by a real publishing company.
The Author Herself
Gloria Tesch is a young aspiring writer. But has also worked in the field of directing, producing, modeling and acting. She was born in San Diego, California in 1994. Gloria is a first generation American from her family of Russian and German ancestry. In 2002 her family moved to Miami, Florida.
Gloria Tesch began writing her first 800 page book of the Maradonia Saga(2007) at the ripe age of ten. When Gloria was 16, she already had six novels on the market. Her writing career slowly lead to the production of two film screenplays for the Maradonia Saga. Gloria directed parts of the film- "Maradonia and the Seven Bridges" (2013), as well as acted as the main role "Maya".
Gloria started acting at the age of 9 for several theatrical plays in California as well as Miami, Florida. In 2009 she began exploring her interest in cinematography by shooting videos with friends. Shortly after, she began producing and acting in several short films and videos. Earning a title in the film industry, Gloria Tesch continues her career as a producer and writer.
The Maradonia Saga
Gloria's books are entitled "Maradonia and the Lost Secret of Kra” or “Maradonia and the Unleashed Beast” - 10th-rate bullshit Harry Potter rip-offs, proving that the bitch has no imagination whatsoever.
The "saga" itself has nauseatingly shitty formatting (Kind of like this article, amirite?), complete with bizarre ellipses in text that result in large white quadruple-spaces, killing more of those poor, innocent trees, child-like grammar, single quotes for dialogue, and italics along with them to boot. These, coupled with the fact that they are in large print, only amplifies the lame failure of this series.
— A sample of the pure genius that is the Maradonia Saga. | ||
But even all that is overshadowed by the sheer faggotry of its plot. The story is about a pair of teenagers named Maya and Joey, two characters so flawless and perfect that even the most blatant of Sues pale in comparison (examples: Joey's project {a poster} was so unbelievably amazing that it was commended by the White House and Maya is a beloved, talented artist with a black belt in karate and can think clearly when deep underwater while her ears are bleeding). These two find a secret dimension after a spirited exercise in incestuous relations that is called the land of Maradonia, which somehow exists several feet away from Earth itself without any sort of physical or electrical interference.
They face-off against creatively evil entities as "The Evil Empire" and "The Gothic Movement" (Yes, they are actually called those names in the book. That is how fucking retarded this shit is). The Evil Empire itself led by King Appolyon, a monarch fairly elected to the throne. Apparently the super special heroes have completed a prophecy just by being shat out of their mother's womb, and must complete a quest to overcome the seven bridges or whatever the fuck they are. It shouldn't be a surprise as to how this book will end.
And there are four more books of this cookie-cutter plot to come... Guess how the third-grade representation of good vs. evil will turn out.
TL;DR it's the worst of My Immortal, The Inheritance Saga, Twilight and the works of Peter Chimaera rolled into one. This book also seems to have a particular feel for "borrowing" plot ideas from The Chronicles of Narnia, hence the frequent references to GodJesus in every third paragraph. This shit is bad enough to give you AIDs, kill your dog, rape your family and burn your house to the ground. We are DEAD. FUCKING. SERIOUS.
Drama
Starting Shit with other Authors
Gloria frequently stirs up shit with other teenage authors and anybody who criticized her books by posting bitchy videos on YouTube detailing how retarded other teenage authors and people who don't like her books are.
Unfortunately for Gloria somebody tried doing the same to her and with amazing swiftness she deleted every-fucking-thing. This was completely undone however, when she decided to reupload the video on a sock account.
Gloria after receiving constructive criticism. Uwe Boll taught her well.
Sock Puppet Accounts
No wannabe faggot would be complete without numerous fake accounts to praise and glorify their work constantly. Unfortunately for Gloria, she can't even do that right. All of her sock puppet accounts write in the exact same style of writing, so everyone could see that she was a failure at life as well as writing. That, and the simple fact that the only sane human being that would ever like her trash are either lying or being paid to say so.
She posed as "important people" to gain recognition and undeserved respect, but only ended up failing and looking like an even bigger amateur than before. Everyone except Gloria and her naive, opportunistic parents seem to be on to her dishonesty and failure.
Previous Quote | Next Quote |
- So if you are a attention whoring 15 year old girl wit no talent whatsoever who thinks her ART will "change" the world, you are living the Maradonia New-Life-Style, so go kill your self.
This is irrelevant.
Popularity
—"Book store owner", being inadvertently accurate on the first count | ||
In the fantasy world her parents have bought for her, Tesch is massively popular. She has hugely popular book signings. Fans queue for hours to get a glimpse of her. Her most dedicated fans cosplay as her characters. Book stores are selling so much, so fast, that the printers can't even keep up. She gets TV appearances. Hell, she's got a TV show, film adaptations, and a theme park (a fucking theme park) in the works and holy shit she's fucking huge how comes I've not heard of her before?
Right.
As of July 2010, her book Maradonia and the Seven Bridges has an Amazon sales rank of 2,539,789, which mean there are 2,539,788 books out there which are more popular than it. By comparison, Edward Nawy's gripping, epic thriller Reinforced Concrete: A Fundamental Approach (6th Edition) has an Amazon sales ranking of 410,523, and much better customer ratings. That means there are over two million books which are both less interesting than a 936-page tome on "the design of reinforced concrete members through a unique and practical step-by-step trial and adjustment procedure", and more interesting than her novel. We, for one, would love to see people cosplaying as reinforced concrete at the launch of the next edition of Nawy's book. Just saying.
"But", one might say, "Amazon lists the book at $145 and it's available from her website for $24.95! What about sales from her website?" Well, how about that, then. Alexa gives her a global traffic rank of 11,534,913(Was 6,075,715). Put another way, over the last month, she has a "reach" of 0.00002 percent. Therefore, If absolutely everyone that has ever visited her website bought a copy of both the books she is selling there, it would result in total sales of....634. 634. J. K. Rowling loses more sales than that to fucking rounding errors.
By the way, the British Ready-Mixed Concrete Association has an Alexa traffic rank of 5,047,522 (Was 2,577,466). That means there are six and a half million websites that are less interesting than ready-mixed concrete and yet...yeah. You get the idea.
Reviews
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No. Her reviews are just as bad.
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Gloria breaks the mind of even anonymous.
Send Fan Mail
[email protected]
2677 Landing Way
Palm Harbor, Florida 34684
727-831-8301
See Also
- "The Vagina Ass of Lucifer Niggerbastard" Gloria moves on to porn
- My Immortal The internet can still beat her
- Fan fiction
- Twilight
- Angst
- Mary Sue
- Teenage
- Lolcow
Links
- Her website
- Her Facebook
- A good sporking on her book
- Another good sporking
- On MySpazz
Her twitter with less than 40 followers- Her YouTube
- Her other YT account (Or possible White Knight)
- On TV Tropes Even they think her saga is retarded.
- A self-created Facebook fanpage
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Gloria Tesch is part of a series on Visit the Whores Portal for complete coverage. |
| Featured article November 15, 2010 | ||
| Preceded by tfo |
Gloria Tesch | Succeeded by Sniff Heinkel |