Dark Souls
Dark Souls is an action RPG developed by the non-jewish company From Software. Known for its anally devastating difficulty, Dark Souls has gained a reputation amongst gaymers as a game that only elitist hardcoar gaymers who are gods at cowadoodys that got bored at pwning n00bz play. This is entirely untrue. It has a spiritual predecessor called Demon Souls that no one played, but this isn't the article for shit that no one cares about. On another interesting note, this game has a shithole PC port that the fans themselves asked for.
Gameplay
The gameplay is fairly simple to start off with, but being made by japs, it is over complicated. All you generally have to do is swing your dinky weapon at enemies until they die. OR if you're a casual, you can use spam pyromancy or magic. There are a few starting classes to choose from and depending on which class you choose generally doesn't mean jack shit in the long run. There are also starting gifts to choose from, but all of them but one is useless.
Starting Classes
- Warrior
Generic warrior kind of guy. An okay starting class.
- Knight
Tank class. For people who have no skill and just run through shit.
- Wanderer
Emo faget class. For the edgier sort of folk.
- Cleric
Christfags #1 starting class. For pussies that like to heal with miracles and swing around blunt instruments.
- Pyromancer
The homeless guy who lives under the bridge on North Main St. apparently got a role in a video game. Uses pyromancy which is pretty cool and shit.
- Thief
The other edgy class. Starts off with the best starting gift by default allowing you to get another gift because the game thinks you're special.
- Bandit
Inferior shittier version of Knight class and tank version of the Thief. Has the highest STR of all of the classes.
- Hunter
Wears pimpin leather armor and has high DEX. Pretty much the best class in the game.
- Sorcerer
Gayest and shittiest of all of the classes. Uses magic which is completely useless.
- Deprived
Besides hunter it's the only other class really worth playing. You start off nekkid.
Weapons
To sum up the game it's just a whole clusterfuck of weapons thrown in. Most of the normal, shittier looking weapons, are the best in the game. And of course the big and bad weapons that the cool kids use like the Greatsword of Artorias or basically any boss weapon, are complete shit and only exist to fill cosplayfags wet dreams about having a threesome with Ornstien and Smough.
List of Widely accepted GOOD Weapons
- Lucerne
- Claymore
- Balder Side Sword (Balder Swag Sword)
- Demon's Greataxe
- Man-serpent Greatsword
- Falchion
- Ricard's Rapier
- Any Black Knight weapon
- Uchigatana (Or Iatio for fags)
- Painting Guardian Sword (Almost shitty for its piss-poor range)
- Shit
List of Shitty Weapons
- Nearly every boss weapon
- Every dragon weapon
- Any weapon not listed in the list above
Story
So you want to know the story huh? Well too fucking bad because if this game had a story it wouldn't be as "deep" or "immersive" as it is. In reality it's just laziness from the devs who are just laughing their asses off because you faggots thought a fucking pendant that said IT DOESN'T DO SHIT actually did shit. Okay so you should at least get acquainted with the fucktards who make up the "wonderful" land of Lordran.
Important People to know
- Lord Gwyn
God of shit and piss. Is the final boss of the game and is extremely easy if you can parry.
- Gravelord Nito
Edgiest thing in existence. Made up of a bunch of dead bodies. Another really easy boss.
- Seath the Scaless
Dragon with a small, scaless penis. Betrayed the dragons for Gwyn's entire porn collection. Kidnapped lolis and turned them into tentacle rape monster thingys. Raped Gwynevere and had her give birth to Priscilla, every fanboys waifu.
- Gwynevere
Some bitch who isn't even in the game. (At least not the real one.) Gives you something so you can jizz in it. Also has tits bigger than the player character's head.
- Dark Moon Gwyndolin
Token trap of the game with snakes up his skirt. Whiny little bitch who hides in his father's fake tomb. The bitch at the Anor Londo bonfire is his hoe.
The World
So you bought the game and you're expecting an immersive world amirite? Well you just wasted money as this world is complete dick. It is mainly just a bunch of cliffs and cheap deaths by falls. The only good area in the game is Ash Lake and its hidden really good too. I mean, how was the player supposed to know you were supposed to hit a wall behind some chest and then hit a wall behind ANOTHER chest then go down a gigantic tree with lizard things that will curse you with their shit breath and mushroom people that can one-shot nearly any player? The shittiest place in the game by far has to be the Tomb of the Giants. No one wants to go there as it is just a frustrating piece of shit. It has giant skeleton beasts that can one-shot you if you're not paying attention (And by how dark it is and boring your attention span is next to none).so basically to sum up the whole place, it's all shit.
The Enemies
Every game needs good challenging enemies. Well this one just fucked up. All the enemies are bland and totally unoriginal. They range from stupid niggers throwing shit at you to one-shotting giant Hydras. We at ED have saved you the time and effort of actually playing the game and listed most of the enemies below for you.
- Hollow Soldier
Easiest enemy in the game. Takes 1-2 hits to kill. Generic.
- Black Knight
For experts this enemy is no problem at all but to beginners this one is your worst nightmare. Even if you rest at the bonfire they do not reset and will stop at nothing until you're dead. Basically really big assholes.
- Skeletons
Speaking of assholes we have another generic enemy. Most frustrating aspect of these guys is they DON'T DIE.
- Negromancers
Okay so if you kill these guys the skellies don't respawn. Neat huh?
- Wheel Skeletons
Biggest assholes in the game. Will drain your stamina bar in under 10 seconds flat if you try to block at all.
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