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Castlevania: Difference between revisions
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[[File:Castlevania logo.gif|right]] | [[File:Castlevania logo.gif|right|Holy fuck! Alucard is Dracula spelt backwards!]] | ||
'''''Castlevania''''' is a [[video game]] series | '''''Castlevania''''' is a [[video game]] series which began life as a ''Super Mario Bros.'' [[pwn|dominating]] action-adventure for Nintendo's [[NES]] and[[SNES]] systems. Over the passing years newer installments would slowy succumb to the tsunami-wave of anorexic thirteen-year old [[animu|anime]] [[fantard|fanboys]] and [[emo]]-furfags who'd never even played an emulated version of the original series, lamentably resulting in the situation that releases such as ''Castlevania: Judgement'' appeal more to the [[Sonichu]] fanbase. | ||
== The Story == | == The Story == | ||
[[File:Castlevania whipping slut.gif|right|thumb|Whip it, [[BDSM|whip it good...]]]] | [[File:Castlevania whipping slut.gif|right|thumb|Whip it, [[BDSM|whip it good...]]]] | ||
All | All titles in the ''Castlevania'' series conform to one of these two structures: | ||
''' | '''Pre-1997'''<br> | ||
Castlevania games before 1997 were | Castlevania games before 1997 were made in the traditional [[arcade]] style. They usually opened with a [[You|Vampire Hunter]] standing in front of Dracula's castle and then presented a whole bunch of levels where the you got knocked off platforms [[Copypasta|repeatedly]] by fucking Medusa heads. The player would proceed to kill bats, mummies, Frankenstein-monsters, [[Rudy Eugene]] and Death before ''then'' finally fighting Dracula. | ||
'''Post-1997'''<br> | |||
After 1997 all the games became all non-linear and got a ton of RPG elements added. The vampire hunting industry is taken over by transexuals clad in name-brand fashion acessories, shit is so cash. You alternate back and forth through a castle collecting kick-ass weapons and all the other important shit you need to kill Dracula. | |||
<br>[[File:Castlevania Evolution.jpg|center|500px]] | <br>[[File:Castlevania Evolution.jpg|center|500px]] | ||
[[TL;DR]]: It's pretty much just [[crossover]] [[fanfiction]] of the [[Book|Bram Stoker]] novel and every B-Movie in existence. | |||
[[TL;DR]]: It's pretty much just [[crossover]] [[fanfiction]] of the Bram Stoker novel and every B | |||
''A note about non-linearity in Castlevania - The post SoTN games really are linear | ''A note about non-linearity in Castlevania - The post SoTN games really are linear as all they really are is a series of fetch quests to get items and beat bosses then fornicate with other men so that whichever Belmondo you are controlling can have the [[Lolwut|story]] pushed forward. If they really were non-linear then surely you could just go kill Dracula and then go outside to find ''[[women]]'' to have sex with. Then again, you are reading ED; so you might as well just play [[Faggot|Julius]] mode and avoid the embarrassment.'' | ||
== The Games == | == The Games == | ||
[[Image:Castlevan1game.gif|thumbnail|NES Castlevania. | [[Image:Castlevan1game.gif|thumbnail|NES Castlevania. That's right, in the 80s [[zombies]] were pink.]][[Image:Sotn1.gif|thumbnail|Symphony of the Night]][[Image:CastleL.jpg|thumbnail|H-H-H-HOLY CROSS]] | ||
*'''Castlevania'''<br> | *'''Castlevania'''<br> | ||
The first of the [[shitstorm]] | The first offering of the [[shitstorm]] yet to come. It consists of getting you getting knocked off ledges and dying. After struggling to beat the game you unleash [[Erection|Hard-Mode]] where your are CONSTANTLY [[zerg rush|zerg rushed]] by as many fucking bats as the game-engine can produce. The ability to change direction in the middle of a jump does not exist, causing most players to uncontrollably <font color="red">'''RAGE'''</font>. The next 3 million games are like this, each with slowly improving graphics. | ||
You play as Simon Belmont, a Vampire Slayer who uses a leather whip | You play as Simon Belmont, a Vampire Slayer, who uses a leather whip amongst other kinky [[Catholic]] sex-toys to rape 8-Bit skeletons. The bosses of the game are Dracula (obviously) and a couple of B-Movie monsters including Mummies and Frankenstein.<br> | ||
*'''Castlevania 2: Simon's Quest'''<br> | *'''Castlevania 2: Simon's Quest'''<br> | ||
The game existed solely to sell copies of [[Old media|Nintendo Power]] so people could find out just ''[[How do I shot web|what to do]]'' with the [[Bath salts|Red Crystal]]. In an attempt to revolutionize all gaming ''[[Konami]]'' tried their best to integrate RPG elements into the Medusa-head-dodging simulator's sequel. Of course, they fucked it all up and it had all the usual problems of [[AIDS|JRPGs]]; poor translation, a useless levelling system to pad out gameplay, random uses for random items and in an attempt to be unique THE MORNING SUN HAS VANQUISHED THE HORRIBLE NIGHT. | |||
*'''Castlevania (MSX)'''<br> | *'''Castlevania (MSX)'''<br> | ||
This | This was a port of the NES and FDS game to the MSX, but apart from the title had almost fuck-all to do with the game. It had Simon Belmont and Dracula, but that's where the similarities ended. It had solid controls and some posit, felt much more [[Emo|atmospheric]] than the other version. It was not without problems however, the game was often described as "frustrating" and did possess the appearence of having been designed by a person who having opened up a level editor randomly clicked away with their eyes sown shut. It also included the easiest ''Final-Boss'' fight in the series, quite possibly in any game of it's time. If you don't believe us, [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9YHGZrJjwo4 just look at this shit.] | ||
*'''Castlevania 3: [[ | |||
*'''Castlevania 3: [[Faggotry|Dracula's Curse]]'''<br> | |||
Finally comprehending the abomination they had produced, ''Konami'' went back and shuffled around the sprites from the first Castlevania. They then added some new characters; most notably [[Fag|Alucard]]. Other than that, it's the same game as the first one, commencing a long-standing tradition that the series would only reset with ''Symphony of the Night''. | |||
*'''Super Castlevania IV'''<br> | *'''Super Castlevania IV'''<br> | ||
In order to appease | In order to appease twelve-year olds who wanted to see Castlevania in glorious 16-bit color, ''Konami'' proceeded to produce the shittiest side-scrolling Castlevania to date. Seen by some fans to be a remake of the original it really is nothing more than ''Konami'' trolling its fanbase because, let's face it... ''every'' side-scrolling Castlevania is a remake of the original. Most fans considered it God's gift to man because OH MY FUCKING GOD YOU CAN WHIP IN [[Serious business|8 DIFFERENT DIRECTIONS]]. | ||
*'''Bloodlines'''<br> | *'''Bloodlines'''<br> | ||
After fucking everything that could have been fucked | After fucking-up everything that could have been fucked with ''Super Castlevania IV'', ''Konami'' lept forth to put right what once went wrong with the first and only ''Castlevania'' for the [[Sega|Sega]] [[Genesis]]. In it you play as two distinguished gentlemen in the forms of [[wrestling|John Morris]], your typical whip-wielding [[gimp|protagonist]], and [[France|Eric Lecarde]], a guy with the best fucking spear in any video game. These guys apparently were in the Bram Stoker novel as this game takes place right after its events, making it the only ''Castlevania'' in canon with the original ''Dracula'' story... and therefore [[win|the only one that matters.]] Konami finally realized that it was fucking stupid collecting hearts to power your weapons so instead you collect gems, this makes so much more sense. You can also perform an "[[ZOMG|ITEM-CRASH]]" with your weapons like you could do in ''Dracula X''. Also carried over from ''Dracula X'' is the ability to jump on-and-off those fucking stairs finally, making the controls the best [[Truth|in the entire series.]] Despite all these improvements, ''Bloodlines'' manages to be the hardest ''Castlevania'' game to date making it another textbook example of how it sucks ass no matter what console. | ||
*'''Symphony of the Night''' | *'''Symphony of the Night''' | ||
The sprites are [[ | The sprites are [[Awesome|cooler]] and the game system has been [[STD|RPG]]-ified. The storyline is the epitome of failure but the gameplay is so [[Shit|great]] you won't give a fuck. There are shitloads of weapons/items/collectables to run around discovering and this serves to make the game a lot less boring. You play as a vampire named [[Luka Magnotta||Alucard]] and plow through the castle to find the owner is a [[Queer|Belmont]]. You receive magic Beer-Goggles and discover that he's [[date rape|controlled]] by the evil [[Jew|lawyer]], Shaft. This creates a loophole in his contract allowing Dracula to be revived ''yet again''. | ||
{{co|qwerty|[Collapse Me]|[More shit games]|0| | {{co|qwerty|[Collapse Me]|[More shit games]|0| | ||
*'''Castlevania and Castlevania: Legacy of Darkness'''<br> | *'''Castlevania and Castlevania: Legacy of Darkness'''<br> | ||
Amazed at the continued success of the least innovative series to date, Konami decided it was time to troll their fans and see if there was something they wouldn't buy. It took them two tries on the N64, but they succeeded. | Amazed at the continued success of the least innovative series to date, ''Konami'' decided it was time to troll their fans and see if there was something they ''wouldn't'' buy. It took them two tries on the N64, but they succeeded. | ||
*'''Castlevania Chronicles'''<br> | *'''Castlevania Chronicles'''<br> | ||
First released for some Japanese computing machine in 1993, it was later released on the PS1 in 2001, scaring [[virgin|long-time fans]] that the series was reverting to its prior suck. | First released for some Japanese computing machine in 1993, it was later released on the PS1 in 2001, scaring [[virgin|long-time fans]] that the series was reverting to its prior suck. It's essentially a remake-of-a-remake, or maybe just a remake of the first game directly... actually, yes it ''is'' that game again. | ||
*'''Lament of Innocence''' | *'''Lament of Innocence''' | ||
After fucking up Castlevania 64 they decided to give another go at a 3D Castlevania in the series. The end product wasn't half bad. | After fucking up ''Castlevania 64'' they decided to give another go at a [[3D]] ''Castlevania'' in the series. The end product wasn't half bad. It wasn't half good, either. | ||
Basically you play as Leon Belmont, a knight who fought in the Crusades who has to save his [[ | Basically you play as Leon Belmont, a knight who fought in the Crusades who has to save his [[wench]] from some [[ginger]] vampire named Walter. [[irony|To make his whip strong enough to fuck Walter he has to murder his wife with it]]. He does so and it creates teh whip "Vampire Killer". You go back after Walter and kill him, then there is a crazy twist revealing how Dracula came to be. | ||
*'''[[DeviantART|Portrait of Ruin]]''' | *'''[[DeviantART|Portrait of Ruin]]''' | ||
Probably the [[fact|worst]] Castlevania ever made. You play as Jonathan Morris and Charlotte Aulin (Aulin meaning All-in in reference to her huge fucking vagina, the | Probably the [[fact|worst]] ''Castlevania'' ever made. You play as Jonathan Morris and Charlotte Aulin (Aulin meaning All-in in reference to her huge fucking vagina, the prick-teasing bitch). The castle is now full of paintings which serve as portals leading to Egypt, England or wherever the hell they please, the ''Final Boss'' is none other than the mysterious bald-headed man who paints them. Yeah, it's Dracula, like we didn't see that coming. To kill the ''Final Boss'' you must embark upon training [[srsly|under the tutelage of a ghost]]. After you beat the game you can play as "Richiter" Belmont. The remainder of the game has its share of typos. | ||
*'''Curse of Darkness''' | *'''Curse of Darkness''' | ||
A really weird game where you play as a character named Hector who [[Retard|chooses to place his trust in a weird monk]] instead of a spiffy time-traveler. There's also some dumb witch who's the sister of the psychotic ginger you're trying to kill the whole fucking time, I mean seriously wouldn't you stop a guy from killing your brother? But noooo, she says he's CUUURSED. Anyway, you go through the game, getting furries and fighting really weird and easy enemies, kinda like every other single ''Castlevania'' game without the gathering of furries and shit. Weapons include a Lightsaber, a Power-Glove and even Death's scythe, but you often have to sacrifice already collected weapons in order to receive the newer ones, once you've upgraded you've cast your lot. | |||
Your rival is Isaac, | Your rival is Isaac, a medieval [[Why so serious|Joker]] but really fucking gay with red hair. He owns Trevor Belmont then kisses him right before finishing him off. The furry monsters comprise of a fairy, a gay dog-giant, a golem who can turn into a weeaboo, a blob that resembeles Chaos from ''Sonic Adventure'' and THE JUGGERNAUT, BITCH. | ||
Then there's a black | Then there's a black Mage that's pretty badass but one of its final forms is some princess who spams stars at shit. | ||
Then you get a bird which is just.. | Then you get a bird which is just.. a bird. One of it's forms is a mass of meat on a pair of wings. | ||
Then you get the devil type... innocent devil. Real creative, huh? Then, after you go through all the boring shit you fight the last boss, DRACULA. (OMG!) After Hector pusses out on killing Isaac, that weird monk faggot reveals that he's Death | Then you get the devil type... innocent devil. Real creative, huh? Then, after you go through all the boring shit you fight the last boss, DRACULA. (OMG!) After Hector pusses out on killing Isaac, that weird monk faggot reveals that he's Death and that he'ss gonna rape your ass, right after he puts Isaac into a coffin to turn into Dracula, however that works. You then fight Death and he turns out to be the slowest most miserable fuck you could ever possibly hope to fight in a game. After you beat him you can go into ''Boss Rush'' mode for a material which you couldn't before to get the Power-Glove which is really just t3h l33t h@x. Utilised correctly you can create your very own volcano. | ||
tl;dr: Just another Castlevania, except you summon monsters and there's a time traveller that has nothing to do with the story. | tl;dr: Just another Castlevania, except you summon monsters and there's a time-traveller that has nothing to do with the story. | ||
|color: black; background-color: white; padding: 5px;}} | |color: black; background-color: white; padding: 5px;}} | ||
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*'''Leon''': The [[old|first]] member of the clan to wield the whip. He had anger issues and some very lame lines, such as [[ALL CAPS|"I'LL KILL YOU AND THE NIGHT!" and "CARVE THEM ON YOUR CURSED BODY AND PERISH!"]]. He's also emo, which is surprising, since the game took place in [[at least 100 years ago|1095 AD]], when the emo subculture was yet to befoul the world.<br><br> | *'''Leon''': The [[old|first]] member of the clan to wield the whip. He had anger issues and some very lame lines, such as [[ALL CAPS|"I'LL KILL YOU AND THE NIGHT!" and "CARVE THEM ON YOUR CURSED BODY AND PERISH!"]]. He's also emo, which is surprising, since the game took place in [[at least 100 years ago|1095 AD]], when the emo subculture was yet to befoul the world.<br><br> | ||
*'''[[Simon Belmont|Simon]]''': The Belmont [[e-famous|everyone knows and loves]], and starred in the original, which is always the best. Konami loves him so much that they [[copypasta|recycled]] his game several times. Truly all that is man, Simon can do fucking anything with the whip. The only thing that sucks about Simon is that he can't do shit on the stairs (except in ''Super Castlevania IV''). ED hopes he kills Stephanie Meyer in the next Castlevania.<br><br> | *'''[[Simon Belmont|Simon]]''': The Belmont [[e-famous|everyone knows and loves]], and starred in the original, which is always the best. ''Konami'' loves him so much that they [[copypasta|recycled]] his game several times. Truly all that is man, Simon can do fucking anything with the whip. The only thing that sucks about Simon is that he can't do shit on the stairs (except in ''Super Castlevania IV''). ED hopes he kills Stephanie Meyer in the next ''Castlevania''.<br><br> | ||
*'''Trevor''': An [[old meme|ancestor]] of Simon. He needed [[buttsecks|friends]] to kill Dracula. What a pussy. He also married a [[transsexual]] [[Harry Potter|witch]]. He pops up again in one of the newer 3D games, where he does nothing but [[troll]] the player. He gets his comeuppance, however, when he's taken down and [[molest]]ed by the game's villain.<br><br> | *'''Trevor''': An [[old meme|ancestor]] of Simon. He needed [[buttsecks|friends]] to kill Dracula. What a pussy. He also married a [[transsexual]] [[Harry Potter|witch]]. He pops up again in one of the newer 3D games, where he does nothing but [[troll]] the player. He gets his comeuppance, however, when he's taken down and [[molest]]ed by the game's villain.<br><br> | ||
*'''Richter''': Fought alongside [[lolicon|Maria Renard]] and | *'''Richter''': Fought alongside [[lolicon|Maria Renard]] and Alucard. He was controlled by Dracula, but only after [[buttsecks|getting his shit packed in]] by Alucard did he come to his senses. He originally looked like [[Street Fighter 2|Ryu]], but was updated for ''Symphony of The Night'' and the ''Dracula X Chronicles'' to look like every other Belmont, with the added bonus of greasy, unkempt hair. May be related to [[You are doing it wrong|Richiter Belmont]], who you can play as in ''Portrait of Ruin''.<br><br> | ||
*'''Julius''': A modern Belmont, Julius | *'''Julius''': A modern Belmont, Julius is the most powerful Belmont to date and the only one to have [[neckbeard|facial hair]], which may or may not be related to his [[buttsecks|powers]].<br><br> | ||
[[File:Alucard CV.jpg|thumb|right|Whenever someone mentions that this is [[fact|the real Alucard]], an army of whiny [[fucktards|fanboys]] will make [[butthurt|pained rebuttals]], and claim that [[fangirl|Ayami Kojima's]] is the [[lie|real one]].]] | [[File:Alucard CV.jpg|thumb|right|Whenever someone mentions that this is [[fact|the real Alucard]], an army of whiny [[fucktards|fanboys]] will make [[butthurt|pained rebuttals]], and claim that [[fangirl|Ayami Kojima's]] is the [[lie|real one]].]] | ||
[[File:Slutpha.jpg|thumb|right| Left: Sypha before his sex change. Right: After sex change.]] | [[File:Slutpha.jpg|thumb|right| Left: Sypha before his sex change. Right: After sex change.]] | ||
*'''[[bishie syndrome|Alucard]]''': The son of Dracula, and his pseudonym is Dracula | *'''[[bishie syndrome|Alucard]]''': The son of Dracula, and his pseudonym is Dracula spelt backwards. His real name is "Adrian Farenheit Tepes". [[emo|He hates his dad]], probably because he was [[raped|not given enough hugs]] as a child. In the future [[weeaboo|he pretends to be Japanese]], calling himself [[Mexico|Vagina Alucardo]]. He is the most [[masturbate|fapped]]-to person in the series by [[faggots|fanboys]] and [[whores|fangirls]] alike, due to his [[God Mode|cool]] powers and [[gay|hawt]] looks. Suggestions have been made of just going ahead and making a game where you play as Alucard to rescue Alucard from Alucard in a castle that's made of nothing but high-resolution images of Alucard. | ||
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*'''[[slut|Sypha Belnades]]''': Sorcerer who [[fucked|helped]] Trevor Belmont in Dracula's Curse. At the end of the game, he is revealed to be [[hermaphrodite|she]], and apparently [[emo|had a hard life]]. ([[Metroid|Gee, now where have I seen this before?]]) After [[faggot|IGA]] took over, and [[Konami]] granting him power to [[delete fucking everything|change everything]], Sypha and Trevor made [[buttsecks|babies]] and gave birth to new [[mary sue|super-powerful]] [[faggots|Belmonts]], [[shit nobody cares about|most notably]] [[gay|Juste]]. In the [[rape|fighting]] game ''[[crap|Castlevania: Judgment]]'', where [[Death Note]] artist [[ | *'''[[slut|Sypha Belnades]]''': Sorcerer who [[fucked|helped]] Trevor Belmont in ''Dracula's Curse''. At the end of the game, he is revealed to be [[hermaphrodite|she]], and apparently [[emo|had a hard life]]. ([[Metroid|Gee, now where have I seen this before?]]) After [[faggot|IGA]] took over, and ''[[Konami]]'' granting him power to [[delete fucking everything|change everything]], Sypha and Trevor made [[buttsecks|babies]] and gave birth to new [[mary sue|super-powerful]] [[faggots|Belmonts]], [[shit nobody cares about|most notably]] [[gay|Juste]]. In the [[rape|fighting]] game ''[[crap|Castlevania: Judgment]]'', where [[Death Note]] artist [[Japan|Takeshi Obata]] did the character designs, he gave Sypha [[tits|a new rack job]], as well as a [[Premenstrual Tension|PMSing]] personality, thus giving birth to her new name; [[slut|Slutpha]] [[bitch|Bitchnades]]. She's also a [[LOL WUT|witch who works for the Church]]. | ||
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*'''[[vampire|Dracula]]''': The [[redundent|constant]] villain of the series. In every game, he gets brought back from the dead, and a Belmont has to kill him again. His usual tactics include breaking a | *'''[[vampire|Dracula]]''': The [[redundent|constant]] villain of the series. In every game, he gets brought back from the dead, and a Belmont has to kill him again. His usual tactics include breaking a large number of wine glasses and transforming into his [[Karl Rove|true form]], which is never the same thing in any game, possibly the only variety in the series. <s>[[Some Argue|Supposedly]] destroyed once and for all by [[Wise Beard Man|Julius Belmont]] in 1999.</s> HE'S BACK!!! | ||
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*'''[[whore|Carmilla]]''': Carmilla fucking loves Dracula. No | *'''[[whore|Carmilla]]''': Carmilla fucking loves Dracula. No, [[srsly]]. She has [[butthurt]] over the fact Dracula is gay with Death and prefers his [[pun|boner]] over her [[tits|dirty-pillows]]. She likes to wear typicallyl whorish outfits with fishnets and platform high-heels. [[emo|Alucard]] acts like he hates her and [[domestic violence|wants to kill her.]] [[rape|But we all know what he really wants from her.]] | ||
{{clear}} | {{clear}} | ||
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There is multiple fandom for ''Castlevania'' such as the knockoff JKA Mod being developed by omegasigma from FileFucks. There are now multiple ways to troll the fandom. | There is multiple fandom for ''Castlevania'' such as the knockoff JKA Mod being developed by omegasigma from FileFucks. There are now multiple ways to troll the fandom. | ||
* Go on a ''Castlevania'' board and say that ''[[Lie|Castlevania: Legends]]'' is [[canon]], and that Igarashi [[fail|removed]] it from the time-line because he's [[ | * Go on a ''Castlevania'' board and say that ''[[Lie|Castlevania: Legends]]'' is [[canon]], and that Igarashi [[fail|removed]] it from the time-line because he's [[Feminist|sexist]]. | ||
* Start a [[forum]] topic stating that the [[retro|classic]] games are [[fact|better than the Metroidvanias | * Start a [[forum]] topic stating that the [[retro|classic]] games are [[fact|better]] than the Metroidvanias. | ||
* In a poll about who's the best character, point out that [[faggot|Alucard]] is a shitty hero and [[Simon Belmont]] is moar manly. | * In a poll about who's the best character, point out that [[faggot|Alucard]] is a shitty hero and [[Simon Belmont]] is moar manly. | ||
* Tell them that the [[PS3]]/[[Xbox360]] game with Alucard is | * Tell them that the [[PS3]]/[[Xbox360]] game with Alucard is cancelled, because [[unoriginal|Koji Igarashi]] was fired from ''[[Konami]]'', on account of all the [[shitty]] repetitive games he's produced over the last [[at least 100 years|10 years]]. | ||
* Say that [[Metal Gear Solid|Hideo Kojima]] and [[Spain|Mercury Steam]] now own the ''Castlevania'' series. | * Say that [[Metal Gear Solid|Hideo Kojima]] and [[Spain|Mercury Steam]] now own the ''Castlevania'' series. | ||
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== External Links == | == External Links == | ||
*[http://www.castlevaniadungeon.net/dungeon.html The Castlevania Dungeon] ''(For more information than you ever wanted to know about the series)'' | *[http://www.castlevaniadungeon.net/dungeon.html The Castlevania Dungeon] ''(For more information than you ever wanted to know about the series)'' | ||
*[http://www.castlevaniadungeon.net/Media/dracperf.html "Dracula Perfect Selection"] ''(The official Castlevania rap album. [[Srsly]])'' | |||
*[http://thecruelangelslair.hqforums.com/throne-room-of-lord-dracula-vf58.html Throne Room of Lord Dracula] ''(Another forum with Castlevania fantards)'' | *[http://thecruelangelslair.hqforums.com/throne-room-of-lord-dracula-vf58.html Throne Room of Lord Dracula] ''(Another forum with Castlevania fantards)'' | ||
<br> | <br> | ||
{{gaming}} | {{gaming}} |
Revision as of 19:17, 21 June 2012
This article needs moar input from Castlevania scholars. You can help by adding moar input from Castlevania scholars. |
Castlevania is a video game series which began life as a Super Mario Bros. dominating action-adventure for Nintendo's NES andSNES systems. Over the passing years newer installments would slowy succumb to the tsunami-wave of anorexic thirteen-year old anime fanboys and emo-furfags who'd never even played an emulated version of the original series, lamentably resulting in the situation that releases such as Castlevania: Judgement appeal more to the Sonichu fanbase.
The Story
All titles in the Castlevania series conform to one of these two structures:
Pre-1997
Castlevania games before 1997 were made in the traditional arcade style. They usually opened with a Vampire Hunter standing in front of Dracula's castle and then presented a whole bunch of levels where the you got knocked off platforms repeatedly by fucking Medusa heads. The player would proceed to kill bats, mummies, Frankenstein-monsters, Rudy Eugene and Death before then finally fighting Dracula.
Post-1997
After 1997 all the games became all non-linear and got a ton of RPG elements added. The vampire hunting industry is taken over by transexuals clad in name-brand fashion acessories, shit is so cash. You alternate back and forth through a castle collecting kick-ass weapons and all the other important shit you need to kill Dracula.
TL;DR: It's pretty much just crossover fanfiction of the Bram Stoker novel and every B-Movie in existence.
A note about non-linearity in Castlevania - The post SoTN games really are linear as all they really are is a series of fetch quests to get items and beat bosses then fornicate with other men so that whichever Belmondo you are controlling can have the story pushed forward. If they really were non-linear then surely you could just go kill Dracula and then go outside to find women to have sex with. Then again, you are reading ED; so you might as well just play Julius mode and avoid the embarrassment.
The Games
- Castlevania
The first offering of the shitstorm yet to come. It consists of getting you getting knocked off ledges and dying. After struggling to beat the game you unleash Hard-Mode where your are CONSTANTLY zerg rushed by as many fucking bats as the game-engine can produce. The ability to change direction in the middle of a jump does not exist, causing most players to uncontrollably RAGE. The next 3 million games are like this, each with slowly improving graphics.
You play as Simon Belmont, a Vampire Slayer, who uses a leather whip amongst other kinky Catholic sex-toys to rape 8-Bit skeletons. The bosses of the game are Dracula (obviously) and a couple of B-Movie monsters including Mummies and Frankenstein.
- Castlevania 2: Simon's Quest
The game existed solely to sell copies of Nintendo Power so people could find out just what to do with the Red Crystal. In an attempt to revolutionize all gaming Konami tried their best to integrate RPG elements into the Medusa-head-dodging simulator's sequel. Of course, they fucked it all up and it had all the usual problems of JRPGs; poor translation, a useless levelling system to pad out gameplay, random uses for random items and in an attempt to be unique THE MORNING SUN HAS VANQUISHED THE HORRIBLE NIGHT.
- Castlevania (MSX)
This was a port of the NES and FDS game to the MSX, but apart from the title had almost fuck-all to do with the game. It had Simon Belmont and Dracula, but that's where the similarities ended. It had solid controls and some posit, felt much more atmospheric than the other version. It was not without problems however, the game was often described as "frustrating" and did possess the appearence of having been designed by a person who having opened up a level editor randomly clicked away with their eyes sown shut. It also included the easiest Final-Boss fight in the series, quite possibly in any game of it's time. If you don't believe us, just look at this shit.
- Castlevania 3: Dracula's Curse
Finally comprehending the abomination they had produced, Konami went back and shuffled around the sprites from the first Castlevania. They then added some new characters; most notably Alucard. Other than that, it's the same game as the first one, commencing a long-standing tradition that the series would only reset with Symphony of the Night.
- Super Castlevania IV
In order to appease twelve-year olds who wanted to see Castlevania in glorious 16-bit color, Konami proceeded to produce the shittiest side-scrolling Castlevania to date. Seen by some fans to be a remake of the original it really is nothing more than Konami trolling its fanbase because, let's face it... every side-scrolling Castlevania is a remake of the original. Most fans considered it God's gift to man because OH MY FUCKING GOD YOU CAN WHIP IN 8 DIFFERENT DIRECTIONS.
- Bloodlines
After fucking-up everything that could have been fucked with Super Castlevania IV, Konami lept forth to put right what once went wrong with the first and only Castlevania for the Sega Genesis. In it you play as two distinguished gentlemen in the forms of John Morris, your typical whip-wielding protagonist, and Eric Lecarde, a guy with the best fucking spear in any video game. These guys apparently were in the Bram Stoker novel as this game takes place right after its events, making it the only Castlevania in canon with the original Dracula story... and therefore the only one that matters. Konami finally realized that it was fucking stupid collecting hearts to power your weapons so instead you collect gems, this makes so much more sense. You can also perform an "ITEM-CRASH" with your weapons like you could do in Dracula X. Also carried over from Dracula X is the ability to jump on-and-off those fucking stairs finally, making the controls the best in the entire series. Despite all these improvements, Bloodlines manages to be the hardest Castlevania game to date making it another textbook example of how it sucks ass no matter what console.
- Symphony of the Night
The sprites are cooler and the game system has been RPG-ified. The storyline is the epitome of failure but the gameplay is so great you won't give a fuck. There are shitloads of weapons/items/collectables to run around discovering and this serves to make the game a lot less boring. You play as a vampire named |Alucard and plow through the castle to find the owner is a Belmont. You receive magic Beer-Goggles and discover that he's controlled by the evil lawyer, Shaft. This creates a loophole in his contract allowing Dracula to be revived yet again.
[[More shit games]]
- Castlevania and Castlevania: Legacy of Darkness
Amazed at the continued success of the least innovative series to date, Konami decided it was time to troll their fans and see if there was something they wouldn't buy. It took them two tries on the N64, but they succeeded.
- Castlevania Chronicles
First released for some Japanese computing machine in 1993, it was later released on the PS1 in 2001, scaring long-time fans that the series was reverting to its prior suck. It's essentially a remake-of-a-remake, or maybe just a remake of the first game directly... actually, yes it is that game again.
- Lament of Innocence
After fucking up Castlevania 64 they decided to give another go at a 3D Castlevania in the series. The end product wasn't half bad. It wasn't half good, either.
Basically you play as Leon Belmont, a knight who fought in the Crusades who has to save his wench from some ginger vampire named Walter. To make his whip strong enough to fuck Walter he has to murder his wife with it. He does so and it creates teh whip "Vampire Killer". You go back after Walter and kill him, then there is a crazy twist revealing how Dracula came to be.
Probably the worst Castlevania ever made. You play as Jonathan Morris and Charlotte Aulin (Aulin meaning All-in in reference to her huge fucking vagina, the prick-teasing bitch). The castle is now full of paintings which serve as portals leading to Egypt, England or wherever the hell they please, the Final Boss is none other than the mysterious bald-headed man who paints them. Yeah, it's Dracula, like we didn't see that coming. To kill the Final Boss you must embark upon training under the tutelage of a ghost. After you beat the game you can play as "Richiter" Belmont. The remainder of the game has its share of typos.
- Curse of Darkness
A really weird game where you play as a character named Hector who chooses to place his trust in a weird monk instead of a spiffy time-traveler. There's also some dumb witch who's the sister of the psychotic ginger you're trying to kill the whole fucking time, I mean seriously wouldn't you stop a guy from killing your brother? But noooo, she says he's CUUURSED. Anyway, you go through the game, getting furries and fighting really weird and easy enemies, kinda like every other single Castlevania game without the gathering of furries and shit. Weapons include a Lightsaber, a Power-Glove and even Death's scythe, but you often have to sacrifice already collected weapons in order to receive the newer ones, once you've upgraded you've cast your lot. Your rival is Isaac, a medieval Joker but really fucking gay with red hair. He owns Trevor Belmont then kisses him right before finishing him off. The furry monsters comprise of a fairy, a gay dog-giant, a golem who can turn into a weeaboo, a blob that resembeles Chaos from Sonic Adventure and THE JUGGERNAUT, BITCH. Then there's a black Mage that's pretty badass but one of its final forms is some princess who spams stars at shit. Then you get a bird which is just.. a bird. One of it's forms is a mass of meat on a pair of wings. Then you get the devil type... innocent devil. Real creative, huh? Then, after you go through all the boring shit you fight the last boss, DRACULA. (OMG!) After Hector pusses out on killing Isaac, that weird monk faggot reveals that he's Death and that he'ss gonna rape your ass, right after he puts Isaac into a coffin to turn into Dracula, however that works. You then fight Death and he turns out to be the slowest most miserable fuck you could ever possibly hope to fight in a game. After you beat him you can go into Boss Rush mode for a material which you couldn't before to get the Power-Glove which is really just t3h l33t h@x. Utilised correctly you can create your very own volcano.
tl;dr: Just another Castlevania, except you summon monsters and there's a time-traveller that has nothing to do with the story.
Characters
Vampire Hunters
- Leon: The first member of the clan to wield the whip. He had anger issues and some very lame lines, such as "I'LL KILL YOU AND THE NIGHT!" and "CARVE THEM ON YOUR CURSED BODY AND PERISH!". He's also emo, which is surprising, since the game took place in 1095 AD, when the emo subculture was yet to befoul the world.
- Simon: The Belmont everyone knows and loves, and starred in the original, which is always the best. Konami loves him so much that they recycled his game several times. Truly all that is man, Simon can do fucking anything with the whip. The only thing that sucks about Simon is that he can't do shit on the stairs (except in Super Castlevania IV). ED hopes he kills Stephanie Meyer in the next Castlevania.
- Trevor: An ancestor of Simon. He needed friends to kill Dracula. What a pussy. He also married a transsexual witch. He pops up again in one of the newer 3D games, where he does nothing but troll the player. He gets his comeuppance, however, when he's taken down and molested by the game's villain.
- Richter: Fought alongside Maria Renard and Alucard. He was controlled by Dracula, but only after getting his shit packed in by Alucard did he come to his senses. He originally looked like Ryu, but was updated for Symphony of The Night and the Dracula X Chronicles to look like every other Belmont, with the added bonus of greasy, unkempt hair. May be related to Richiter Belmont, who you can play as in Portrait of Ruin.
- Julius: A modern Belmont, Julius is the most powerful Belmont to date and the only one to have facial hair, which may or may not be related to his powers.
- Alucard: The son of Dracula, and his pseudonym is Dracula spelt backwards. His real name is "Adrian Farenheit Tepes". He hates his dad, probably because he was not given enough hugs as a child. In the future he pretends to be Japanese, calling himself Vagina Alucardo. He is the most fapped-to person in the series by fanboys and fangirls alike, due to his cool powers and hawt looks. Suggestions have been made of just going ahead and making a game where you play as Alucard to rescue Alucard from Alucard in a castle that's made of nothing but high-resolution images of Alucard.
- Soma Cruz: A half-Puerto Rican high school exchange student in Japan in 2035 who is supposed to be Dracula's reincarnation, and can absorb souls from monsters. He can equip souls to gain new attacks and transform. He is quite androgynous, only surpassed by Alucard when it comes to looking like an animu man-whore.
- Sypha Belnades: Sorcerer who helped Trevor Belmont in Dracula's Curse. At the end of the game, he is revealed to be she, and apparently had a hard life. (Gee, now where have I seen this before?) After IGA took over, and Konami granting him power to change everything, Sypha and Trevor made babies and gave birth to new super-powerful Belmonts, most notably Juste. In the fighting game Castlevania: Judgment, where Death Note artist Takeshi Obata did the character designs, he gave Sypha a new rack job, as well as a PMSing personality, thus giving birth to her new name; Slutpha Bitchnades. She's also a witch who works for the Church.
- Maria Renard: Richter's sister-in-law who attacks by throwing birds. Originally shown as a little girl kidnapped by a dark priest, she next appears as a horny teenager, chasing after Alucard.
Dracula and his Bitches
- Dracula: The constant villain of the series. In every game, he gets brought back from the dead, and a Belmont has to kill him again. His usual tactics include breaking a large number of wine glasses and transforming into his true form, which is never the same thing in any game, possibly the only variety in the series.
Supposedly destroyed once and for all by Julius Belmont in 1999.HE'S BACK!!!
- Death: Before death, a nigga. no, really. thats all you need to know.
- Carmilla: Carmilla fucking loves Dracula. No, srsly. She has butthurt over the fact Dracula is gay with Death and prefers his boner over her dirty-pillows. She likes to wear typicallyl whorish outfits with fishnets and platform high-heels. Alucard acts like he hates her and wants to kill her. But we all know what he really wants from her.
The Music
The Fandom
There's little information available about the Castlevania fandom currently, as it rarely escapes it's parent's basement.
There is multiple fandom for Castlevania such as the knockoff JKA Mod being developed by omegasigma from FileFucks. There are now multiple ways to troll the fandom.
- Go on a Castlevania board and say that Castlevania: Legends is canon, and that Igarashi removed it from the time-line because he's sexist.
- In a poll about who's the best character, point out that Alucard is a shitty hero and Simon Belmont is moar manly.
- Tell them that the PS3/Xbox360 game with Alucard is cancelled, because Koji Igarashi was fired from Konami, on account of all the shitty repetitive games he's produced over the last 10 years.
- Say that Hideo Kojima and Mercury Steam now own the Castlevania series.
GALLERY
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No fandom is free from cosplay...
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Nor from yaoi.
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Even the Grim Reaper can be made kawaii!
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Not Rule 34.
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RICHTER MAH BOIIIII
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Nothing is safe from furries.
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ZOOMJAP'D
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Richter Belmont as seen in the artwork from Symphony Of The Night.
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What happens when Alucard's BS is cured.
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Typical mentality of Castlevania fantards.
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Is nothing sacred?
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Telling it
like it is.
See also
- What is a man?
- Simon Belmont
- Vampire
- Christianity
- Konami
- Goth
- ICVD - A forum full of Castlevania fantards.
External Links
- The Castlevania Dungeon (For more information than you ever wanted to know about the series)
- "Dracula Perfect Selection" (The official Castlevania rap album. Srsly)
- Throne Room of Lord Dracula (Another forum with Castlevania fantards)
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