Rome: Total War

Rome: Total War is a prehistoric strategy game made a long time ago by britfags The Creative Assembly and published by SEGA. The developers are looked upon as the second coming by their hardcore fans who all praise the amazing coding and incorporation of the most advanced AI in video gaming history.

The game contains many factions, virtually none of which are playable without some basic scripting edits that even your mom could do.

The Factions

Romans

There are actually four Roman factions, the Julii, the Scipii the Brutii and the ALL POWERFUL SENATE. The first three are playable. Interesting fact: If you play as the Scipii the Senate eventually asks your faction leader to do an heroic act. If you refuse to become a God, the Senate goes apeshit and declares war on you, and most likely pounding your faggot ass into the dust.

Egypt

Model example of a true master cracker, Egypt is the only faction that uses Nubian spearmen in their army. Throw some of these darkies into the battlefield to scare the enemy with overpowering BO, mysterious voodoo rites and good 'ol fashioned spear chucking.

Carthage

It's unfortunate to think that even over 9000 years ago, North Africa was still populated by hordes of Sand niggers who, while not following Allah were still into raep and little boys. Historically famous for fucking the Romans up their tight Italian buttholes

Oh my god HAAAAAAXXXX

Germania

HOLY SHIT BERZERKERS ARE SO FUCKING AWESOME!!!!!11!!1oneone! All their other units are equally good and are used all the time.

The Greek Cities

Has a diverse army with various types of infantry and cavalry and OH MY FUCKING GOD FUCKING SPARTANS OHMYGOD!!!!!!11111!!!!!11!!! Due to the fact that in vanilla Rome, a single fully upgraded Spartan unit can destroy all other units and only take 1 casualty, noob faggots who cannot play the game use them in MP to win.

Selucids

Basically combining Sand nigger and Greek units, this is the best faction. Armoured Elephants people, come on.

While there are many moar factions, they are unplayable or too boring to comment on.

The amazing AI

Since the very beginning of The Creative Assembly's steaming pile of shit "saga", the AI has been legendary, with no bugs, glitches or flaws. Various mods are around to fix the problem, but they are all shit and don't add much to the game. The reason CA can't program for shit is because most of the time, they are blowing each other and gangbanging your mom.

Prince of Macedon

This fucking dickhead. My God. Sounds like a white guy but is actually a filthy gook who pretends to be "hardcoar" but in reality is just that bit more interigent than most other players. It may seem like he always wins, but it's only because he's a bad loser who can't handle defeat, and almost never uploads videos where he loses. His fans aren't as bad as that Swedish fucker who every 8th grader is a fan of. Nevertheless, the faggots still defend him, saying "he has uploaded videos of him losing". These are conveniently hidden away and never put into playlists, making it hard to find them.

Also, his sister is a FUCKING SLUT.

Prince of Shotacon getting his Azn ass handed to him. (skip to 8:49 to see the "clear defeat" message.)

Rome Total War 2: Electric Boogaloo

After releasing more shitty half-assed excuses for games, CA thought it would be a good idea to do a sequel to the original Rome. Only in this one, most of the factions are obscure barbarian factions that nobody wants to play as. Oh, and the Spartans are gone unless you buy them in extra DLC packs for more cash. Another shitty new gameplay feature is a "capture the flag" scenario that occurs in most city battles and some regular battles. Now, it may not sound that bad, but try being strategic and using intelligence when the AI is being told to FUCKING GET TO THE FLAG 300 METERS BEHIND YOUR MEN. They wouldn't even be attacking you unless you weren't in their fucking way. Another much needed addition to Total War gameplay. The naval battles are fucked too, but they've always been like that since Empire.

Gallery

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See also

• History
• Rome

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