Lyndon Johnson

LBJ supported the idea of animal cruelty, so he wasn't all bad.

OH NOES!

Lyndon Johnson (or LBJ by newfags) was a Texan politician, freemason (Lodge No. 561, at Johnson City, Texas) and closet Jew who rose to power as John F. Kennedy's Vice-President by appealing to zombies, many of whom had previously felt disenfranchised. Upon killing JFK with his own two hands, LBJ became United States President in 1963. He was re-elected elected President for the first time in 1964 after portraying Republican opponent Barry Goldwater as a war-monger. Then he hired mobsters to blow up Vietnam, a task in which they were only partially successful, having been forced to rely on union labor.

OMGWTFLBJ

His first and only instance of win ... But what a win it was.

Long story short, LBJ had a friend who was an experienced rifleman and convicted murderer (even though, thanks to LBJ's Texas cronies, he walked off with a suspended sentence for the crime), name of Malcolm (Mac) Wallace, who left his fingerprints on the sniper's nest whence Oswald was meant to have fired at JFK.

This 100 per cent copper-bottom FACT is

1) Guaranteed to explode the heads of conspiracy theorists and Warren Commission apologists alike, since it both confirms and denies both POVs at the same time: Yes, there was a conspiracy and yes, the shots came from the Texas School Book Depository, thus confirming the rear-entry theory. Everyone's a winner!

2) 1,000,000 per cent simpler than either camp's theories, since it pins the blame firmly on the one person who profited most from the assassination, who was then immediately catapulted into a position of power from which he could cover up his wrong-doing.

Simply throw the above fact into any forum discussion about the JFK assassination and watch all interested parties get more and more wound up until they go absolutely spastic trying to argue their way past it. Refuse to expand on the basic assertion of LBJ's guilt in any way whatsoever, and in particular refuse to explain precisely how this conspiracy is meant to have worked in practice ...

• Intellectual checkmate: Someone bothers to google the LBJ dunnit theory and finds out that the FBI said the fingerprints didn't match.

Your rebuttal: Mandy Rice-Davies applies: "The FBI is implicated in the cover-up, due to LBJ's close personal friend and fellow freemason J Edgar Hoover playing an instrumental role in framing Oswald."

• Intellectual checkmate II: Someone googles and points out that the History Channel broadcast a programme about LBJ's guilt and got told to broadcast an apology for libelling this god-like giant among presidents.

Your rebuttal: Mandy Rice-Davies applies: The History Channel caved in after former president and renowned flid Gerald Ford objected. "Ford is implicated in the JFK cover-up because he was on the god-damned Warren Commission in the first place..." (As well as being a freemason (yah rly), tool of the NWO, member of the Teamsters, Cuban exile, CIA agent, whatever, obv)"... as well as being blackmailed by Hoover over his affair with an East German spy ..." (he got "sloppy seconds" after JFK had finished with her) "... which is possibly the reason that Ford personally altered Warren Commission evidence to support the "Magic Bullet" theory"" (Get out of that then, you fuckers)

• Intellectual checkmate III: Somebody googles and ...

... well, you get the idea.

His epic failures

LBJ givin' you the message

• Enacted the US Civil Rights Act 1964 (TL;DR), abolishing segregation and racial discrimination and thus beginning the steady descent into now-normal niggerish chaos 24/7 with riots, looting, raping, etc, and no damn normal person able to say anything against the situation. The passage of the Act was the last thing anyone expected from LBJ, since he was a southern Democrat. When asked why he'd done it, guess what he replied?

• Knew that Nixon was sabotaging Vietnam peace talks in order to fuck LBJ's shit right up real good for the '68 election -- but was too pussy to go public with his knowledge ... perhaps because Nixon knew what a naughty boy he had been (see below).

• Besides killing half of America in 'nam, LBJ decided not to run again for a second term because he knew he was completely fail. It was also found that, like Mark Foley, Johnson enjoyed shota and would search for them hungrily in the slums of Chicago, while JFK just fucked Marilyn Monroe's embalmed pussy that he had had pickled in a jar after her autopsy.

fapfapfap

• The reason for LBJ's behaviour was successfully kept quiet while he was in office, but it is now known that LBJ was out of his mind half the time while he was in office, giving rise to such lulzy acts as:

• • Ranting and raving about imaginary enemies, scaring his staff witless
  • Fearing that JFK's brother and US Attorney General Robert F Kennedy was out to get him -- see here for White House audio recording in which RFK challenges LBJ over LBJ's paranoid delusion that RFK was going to overthrow him in a coup
  • Drinking vast amounts of booze during working hours until he was completely out of his tree and didn't know what he was doing
  • Frenziedly masturbating over the JFK autopsy photographs that the CIA had forged for him (see below)
  • Getting up on a restaurant table and dancing the flamenco like a demented faggot
  • Lying in bed for days and growling like an animal at anyone who came into the room
  • Forcing staff to hold meetings with him while he took a dump, then drying his balls on the bathroom roller-towel while they watched aghast
  • Showing off his penis (which he proudly nicknamed "Jumbo") to the White House press corps, US Senators, WH secretaries ... anyone who happened to be around at the time, really.

• One of LBJ's Secret Service men said later: "If he wasn't president he'd be in a mental hospital"

Trooooo confessions

• LBJ associate (and convicted fraudster) Billie Sol Estes confessed that LBJ and Mac Wallace were behind ten unsolved murders, including the JFK assassination, ten years before the fingerprint evidence came to light. Then he was shot by Jack Ruby.

• LBJ's alleged mistress Madeleine Brown claims that the night before JFK got whacked, LBJ promised that "those damn Kennedys will never embarrass me again." Madeleine Brown may have been a lying whore on some matters, but she did name Mac Wallace as the hitman years before the fingerprint evidence came to light. Then she was shot by Jack Ruby.

• In a shitty book, Barr McClellan (former partner in LBJ's retained legal firm) claimed that Mac Wallace was the gunman, and that LBJ and long-time crony Ed Clark planned the assassination and cover-up together. Then he was shot by Jack Ruby.

• In late 2006 Watergate burglar and longtime CIA agent E. Howard Hunt confessed that LBJ dunnit with the help of the CIA. Then he was shot by Jack Ruby.

• Another CIA agent named by Hunt as a co-conspirator was David Morales, who during the 1970s had drunkenly boasted to two witnesses about the Agency's role in the JFK assassination, saying: "Well, we took care of that Son-Of-A-Bitch, didn't we?" Then he was shot by Jack Ruby.

Did you know?

• Under oath in November 1963, long-time LBJ crony Don B. Reynolds told a courtroom of seeing a suitcase full of money, described as a "$100,000 payoff to Johnson for his role in securing the Fort Worth TFX contract", a reference to a corruption scandal in which LBJ had handed a $7bn defence contract to his Texas chums. Reynolds's testimony was abruptly terminated when news arrived that JFK had been assassinated, and the investigation into the contract was not resumed until after Johnson had left office.

• JFK was planning to ditch LBJ as vice-president for the 1964 election, and RFK was working with TIME Magazine (or was it "Life"? Srsly who gives a shit) on an exposé of LBJ's defence contract corruption and another scandal involving LBJ crony Bobby Baker, scheduled for publication the week after JFK got shot. LBJ was going to be ditched and disgraced, and quite probably end up being buttfucked ten ways till Tuesday in jail. But for obvious reasons, TIME's LBJ article (or was it "Life's?") never appeared. Ain't life sweet sometimes?

• Despite his public tough-guy act, JFK was a complete pussy, secretly planning to pull 1,000 US troops out of Vietnam by the end of 1963 with complete US withdrawal by the end of 1965 (during his anticipated second term). However, 24 hours before JFK's assassination, National Security Adviser McGeorge Bundy drew up a National Security Action Memorandum contradicting JFK by falsely claiming JFK had ordered an escalation of the conflict. (Certain lying liars pretend JFK knew, but he nevar got to see the doc). Four days after the killing of JFK, and one day after the funeral, the Bundy document was presented to LBJ who immediately agreed to it thereby committing the US to victory in Vietnam.

• (Short version of above: Bang bang bang; JFK dead; LBJ alive; get your war on; lotsa death; US eventually gets its ass royally kicked by a bunch of Azn farmers in pyjamas armed with nothing more than pointed sticks dipped in dogshit.)

• Dealey Plaza, where JFK got shot, is historically known as the site of the first Masonic temple in Dallas, and there is a marker attesting to this fact in the plaza.

• Even though there was no need, LBJ arranged to take the oath of office while JFK's meatsack was still warm. JFK aide Ken O'Donnell later said: "There's no question in [my] mind, that Lyndon Johnson wanted to be sworn in by Judge Sarah T. Hughes, an old family friend, and he was afraid somebody was going to take the thing away from him if he didn't get it quick."

• Warren Commissioner Richard B Russell Jr and Commission Chairman Earl Warren himself were both freemasons.

• RFK and Jackie O privately told the Soviet Union that they believed JFK had been rubbed 'by domestic opponents'...

• ... which is possibly one reason why the KGB believed that LBJ dunnit.

• Freemason, evidence-tamperer (see above) and FBI stool pigeon on the Warren Commission Gerald Ford was the Commissioner who recommended the appointment to the Commission's staff of his fellow freemason Arlen Spector, the man who came up with the "Magic Bullet" theory in the first place.

• According to Nixon Jack Ruby had been an informant of his, on the recommendation of LBJ himself and when Oswald got shot Nixon knew, telling an aide that he had "immediately recognized that LBJ was using one his operatives to do ‘clean up’ work on the murder of John Kennedy." Then he was shot by Jack Ruby.

• Speaking at an off-the-record meeting in mid-1968, RFK told a questioner that he would re-open the JFK investigation were he to become president. Then he was shot by Jack Ruby.

The quotable LBJ

	“	It's probably better to have him inside the tent pissing out, than outside the tent pissing in.	„
	—On FBI Director J. Edgar Hoover, as quoted in The New York Times (31 October 1971)

	“	Making a speech on economics is a lot like pissing down your leg. It seems hot to you, but it never does to anyone else.	„
	—Private comment, as quoted in Name-Dropping (1999) by John Kenneth Galbraith, p. 149

	“	Fuck your parliament and your constitution. America is an elephant. Cyprus is a flea. Greece is a flea. If these two fleas continue itching the elephant, they may just get whacked good ...We pay a lot of good American dollars to the Greeks, Mr. Ambassador. If your Prime Minister gives me talk about democracy, parliament and constitution, he, his parliament and his constitution may not last long...	„
	—Comment Threat issued to the Greek ambassador to Washington, Alexander Matsas, over the Cyprus issue in June 1964. Quoted in I Should Have Died (1977) by Philip Deane, pp. 113-114

	“	If the circumstances make it such that you can't fuck a man in the ass, then just peckerslap him.	„
	—Private comment, found in White House Tapes: Eavesdropping on the President (2003) edited by John Prados

Sauce plox.

LBJ's legacy

Well, he has a walk-on part in Metal Gear Solid 3: Snake Eater and another in Call of Duty: Black Ops (in which you get the chance to hack into his private emails), and you can't get much more famous than that. Did we mention that he was a freemason?

Plz to be seeing also

• Murder
• Conspiracy
• Le BJ
• Nixon
• Freemasons

Links of externality

• Ever-so-dependable source in shit-on-face loldrama
• LBJ on TOW, sadly lacking in truth.
• The LBJ Presidential Library's 'contact' page. Demand nothing less than the truth!
• LBJ's FarceBook page (ditto)
• LBJ's Twatter (ditto)
• Hmmmm ...
• The LBJ Library covers up the fact that LBJ erased tape of phone conversation with Hoover re: Oswald
• "Tens of thousands" of JFK files still unreleased
• CIA Document #1035-960, dated 4 January 1967, marked PSYCH for Psychological Warfare: Directs CIA agents to pwn Warren Report critics by using "liaison and friendly elite contacts (especially politicians and editors)" and to "employ propaganda assets to answer and refute the attacks of the critics."
• Navy photographer Sandra Kay Spencer testifies under oath in 1997 that the JFK autopsy photos she processed immediately after the assassination were not the supposed "JFK autopsy photographs" later released by the National Archive
• LBJ gets winked

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