Zune

Did You Know: MS no longer speaks of the Zune due to WP7 coming out. Good Night Sweet Prince

The Zune in its natural habitat; breaking like a piece of shit.

Typical Zune users.

After releasing the shining achievement that was the Xbox 360 to the public, Microsoft thought that they weren’t having enough cash sucked out of their assholes, and decided to create the shit colored (and filled) music player called the Zune. Microshaft seems to be under the impression that the Zune is an iPod killer. This might have something to do with Billy Gates’ noggin’ being filled with Steve Job’s man mustard. Mmm, business. The Zune comes in four different colors; Psychopath White, Fall Out Boy Black, Scat Lover's Brown, and Homoerotic Pink. They also came out with Bloodshed Red last weekend or something. Another color for the scene fucks!

Why noone knows about the very existance of the Zune

• Ipod
• Ipod
• Ipod
• Ipod
• Ipod
• Ipod
• BUT WAIT, THERE'S MOAR!
• Ipod
• Ipod
• Maybe an MP3 player

Why the Zune Sucks

Because Bill Gates has a fetish for busted hardware, the Zune launched with many problems. Zune has an utterly useless feature that lets you beam songs to other Zune users, since the only people in the world who own a Zune are Bill Gates, Tycho from Penny Arcade, and Your Mom. You can only keep the songs for 'three days or three plays', which might be a result of all Zune users having shitty tastes in music. The Zune also has a series of useless Firmware updates, which have still yet to make the Zune any less shitty. We'd keep you posted, but it's already a lost cause.

The software got an update! Now it fucks up your library and puts fucking Green Day album art on ALL your music! PROOF

The Zune and Bricking

Like many Microsoft products, It is not compatible with other Microsoft products and it's said to have a form of some STD, acquired when linking the Zune to its incestuous cousin, the 360 (stick it in my USB slot baby! Oh, yeah! Deeper!). It's said that the 360 acquired this STD after Bill Gates decided that the Memory Card slot looked oddly like a vagina at the time, due to massive amounts of cocaine dancing around in his brain.

The best way to restore your Zune is to press back and up on the Dpad until Satan is spawned from hell and shits out another one from his ass.

Why the Zune Rocks

It's not an iPod. Also, it's got a big ass screen on it so that you can play your CP on it in the Chuck E. Cheese bathrooms, you faggot.

Additionally, it just got semi-useful firmware updates! Now you don't have to listen to the Coldplay dickshit songs your gay cousin sent you within 3 days! You can keep them as long as you want but you can only listen to them three times. Which will probably never happen because who the fuck is going to listen to Coldplay?

Also, it has wireless sync now. So you can sync your CP FROM the Chuck E. Cheese bathrooms! Xna games are totally free along with firmware updates unlike the ipod touch which makes a person pay for new updates. Fixed with iOS 4. Also it's been rated the #1 portable device for viewing horse pr0n, which is a major selling point which many Zune owners take pride in.

Apparently the Zune also has better sound quality then the ipod, Although if you own an ipod Steve Jobs' subliminal messages sneaked into the audio would say otherwise.

The 2008 Zune Apocalypse

	“	I had my Zune docked, and all the sudden I hear it start whirring as I'm sitting here at the laptop,I looked up just in time to see it restarting itself at exactly 12:00 midnight, and then, the freeze. Great. WHAT is going on!?	„
	— one man

Around midnight Pacific time on December 31st 2008, 30GB Zunes began restarting and locking up at their boot screens. Reports swamped official forums and fan sites. Reported by hundreds of owners in forum threads at Zune.net and other sites, one of which already has over 1,000 replies, the 30GB model of Microsoft's Zune digital media player—and apparently only the 30GB model—entered a coma last Thursday. Whether a Zune was sitting idle or was in the middle of playing a song, users report that the device either shut itself off or restarted and then locked up at its boot screen. Microsoft said that a leap year issue caused problems with the 30-gigabyte versions of its Zune digital music player, following a flood of online customer complaints about the devices freezing up.

Zune's Closed

Bill Gates made an appearance wearing a Windows Vista thong and issued a statement pinpointing “a bug in the internal clock driver related to the way the device handles a leap year.” Which can be interpreted as ZUNE'S CLOSED DUE TO LEAP YEAR.

	“	Last night, the battery in my Zune 30gig just burst into flames for no reason Shocked. I am not making this up. Has this happened to anyone else? What the hell is going on?	„
	—and the trolling begins...

	“	Emotions were running high on the Zune message board as some users said they were about to cry and others went so far as to say they might even die without their player.	„
	— Serious Fucking Business

[-+]Zune Usage

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Searching for nearby Zunes... None found. Searching for nearby Zunes... None found. Searching for nearby Zunes... "Lola" found.

Sending "Hello" by Lionel Richie

Receiving "Hi There" by Killdozer

Sending "Do You Come Here Often?" by The Tornados Ridin' the Wind

Receiving "I Get Around" by The Beach Boys

Sending "Welcome To The Jungle" by Guns 'N' Roses

Sending "What Brings You Here?" by Sandra Knight

Receiving "Dateless Losers" by Reel Big Fish

Sending "Come On" by Technotronic

Receiving "Bad Experience" by Juan Rogelo Camilon

Sending "You Don't Say" by Pinhead Circus

Receiving "Long Story" by Rudy Mills

Sending "I Got Time" by Letters to Cleo

Receiving "My Ex" by The Jackys

Receiving "We Had It All" by Willie Nelson

Receiving "Money" by Pink Floyd

Receiving "Fame" by Irene Cara

Receiving "Diamonds" by Los Lonely Boys

Receiving "Minions" by Wild Strawberries

Receiving "The Six Million Dollar Sandwich" by The Dead Texan

Sending "What Happened To You?" by The Offspring

Receiving "Love Died" by The Order

Sending "Let Me Guess" by Welcome to Florida

Sending "Someone Else" by The Radio Dept.

Receiving "No" by De La Soul

Receiving "Science Fiction" by Ruffo

Receiving "Outer Space" by The Muffs

Receiving "Infatuation" by Rod Stewart

Receiving "Movies" by Alien Ant Farm

Receiving "Merchandise" by Fugazi

Receiving "Little Dolls" by Ozzy Osbourne

Receiving "Life in Outer Space" by Grand Funk Railroad

Receiving "He Didn't Care For Me" by The White Mountain Boys

Sending "Funny How Love Can Be" by Harpers Bizarre

Receiving "I Don't Know How I Got By" by Edwin McCain

Receiving "I Freaked Out Like a Big Truck" by John Davis

Receiving "Total Nutcase" by A. Graham & The Moment Band

Receiving "Burning Down the House" by Talking Heads

Receiving "I Made Love to a Martian" by Mustard Plug

Receiving "I Did It For The Toys" by Dance Hall Crashers

Receiving "Freaks in Uniforms" by The HorrorPops

Receiving "Kill Them All" by The Upsetters

Sending "That's Not Nice To Say" by 2nd Chapter of Acts

Receiving "I Don't Care" by Black Flag

Receiving "I Don't Want To Care" by Jessica Simpson

Receiving "This Much I Know" by Dwight Yoakam

Receiving "I Like You" by Morrissey

Receiving "Why Don't We Get Drunk" by Jimmy Buffett

Receiving "Let Me See Your Underwear" by Blow-up

Sending, "Hey, Wanna Throw Up? Get Me Naked" by Minus the Bear

Receiving "Strip" by Adam Ant

Sending "I Can't" by Sammie

Receiving "Tell Me Why" by Neil Young

Sending "Chewbacca's On My Underwear" by Rutherford B. Hayes is Dead

Receiving "Do You Hear What I Hear?" by Bing Crosby

Sending "What?" by Soft Cell

Receiving "The Breakup Song" by American Hi-Fi

Sending "Please Don't Go" by Double You

Sending "I Don't Want To Lose You" by REO Speedwagon

Receiving "Bozo Weirdo Wacko Creep" by David Baerwald

Playing "Alone Again (Naturally)" by Gilbert O'Sullivan

WHAT THE FUCK IN HD

In September 2009, Microsoft released the Zune HD, a touchscreen media player with the sole purpose of kicking the iPod touch's ass. It has HD radio and can connect to a dock that lets it play HD video. It has little to any apps or games, much to the whinings of its respective users. The internet browser as of now doesn't support flash applications, and therefore cannot play YouTube. Currently available in 16, 32, and 64GB.

With the release of Windows Phone 7, though, Microsoft has stopped caring about the Zune. There are talks about a Zune HD2, but until an official statement by Microsoft, have fun trolling Zune Forums.

See also

• iPod
• Microsoft
• Trying too hard

External Links

• Your Zune will die on New Years Day 2009.
• The code in question which caused the fail

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