Chris Kluwe

Totally straight

Chris Kluwe, Christopher J Kluwe, or Loate is a former handegg punter, who got fired for being too old to kick the ball, despite him claiming it was because he supported the gays, and who is now living out his retirement by neglecting his wife and child by being a white knight on twitter and by perusing twitch.tv to find a stream of a female let's players, that he can flex his fat gut at, in hopes of getting a private session.

Career end

Kluwe is an an old, overpaid, washed-up has-been with a knee injury. He used to play for the Vikings until they kicked his ass out for wanting more money for a shittier performance every year. After being shit-canned, Kluwe threw a tantrum, claiming he is being fired for being a faggot-loving SJW, despite the fact everyone knows hand egg players all fuck each other in the shower room while real men play rugby.

“The record fails does not support the claim that the Vikings released Kluwe because of his activism on behalf of same-sex marriage, but instead because of his declining punting performance in 2012 and potentially because of the distraction caused by Kluwe's activism as opposed to the substance of such…The objective evidence, in addition to the subjective evaluation of coaches, special teams staff members and external evaluators, simply contradict Kluwe's view of his performance in 2012. No interviewed witness agreed that Kluwe had a good year in 2012… There is also the issue of Kluwe's age (31) and salary ($1.3 million) in 2012 and slated salary of $1.4 million in 2013. Several coaching staff members noted that Kluwe's age, previous knee injury and leg strength showed a punter in decline. Also, the Vikings were able to sign drafted punter (Jeff) Locke for $405,000, less than one third of Kluwe's scheduled 2013 salary…In grading Kluwe, (Angelo and Hentrich) considered criteria, including but not limited to: (1) get-off time; (2) gross punting average; (3) net punting average; (4) hang time; (5) directional punting; and (6) pooch punting…Angelo said that if he held the title of General Manager for the Minnesota Vikings for the 2012 season, he would have “in all likelihood” released Chris Kluwe as the Vikings punter.”

Since his unceremonious termination, Chris has receded into the usual mental state of over-the-hill athletes that realize their best years are already behind them at the age of 28, and went into a deep state of denial and perpetual internet meltdown that lets everyone watch his rapid physical and mental deterioration as a result of prolonged steroid abuse and multiple, sports-related head injuries.

Tries to get revenge by admitting he covered up a rape

Chris is the most uninteresting man in the world

Be it due to roid rage or regular tard rage, Kluwe decided to join Arthut Chu in the ranks of SJWs who defend women by covering up rapes, and decided to tell everyone about it in a Twitter rant, in a sad attempt to get revenge on the team for firing him. Chris explained how two of his viking friends were caught fucking an underage girl. However, this quickly backfired on Kluwe when everyone asked why he didn't report it to the police.

The reason Chris didn't call the cops is because he obviously was one of the two guys

 
Chris still hasn't told the police about this... we wonder why.

Penn State Victim joke

But this wasn't the only incident where Chris got to show everyone how "progressive" he is. There was also the time he was caught making homophobic jokes about rape. Yes, despite constantly bragging about his support of faggots getting married, your champion liked to cut a hole in his pants and walk around the team's locker room making fun of Penn State rape victims. When confronted with this, Kluwe responded his entire team was making rape a child molestation jokes for over a month.

WoW addiction

Chris beats his kids

In what must be one of history's saddest falls from grace, Chris turned from a professional athlete into a pathetic, WoW obsessed nerd.
In a sad attempt to recapture his fading youth, Chris put the word "Warcraft" in his Twitter handle and now plays non-stop World of Warcraft while insisting that E-sports are real sports!!! To make sure his appearance match his new life status, Chris has been gradually devolving into a skinny, sunken-faced, unwashed basement dweller with a thinning head of hair.

As far as his actual playing skills go, Kluwe likes to brag about how good he is, but everyone who's seen him play says he's shit... Which must make the transition from hand egg days much smoother.

“   scrub fgt gets carried every time   „     —Jean Never Wins.     “   Kluwe is the scrub who plays a useless class and gets in the way during raids and talks over the mic the whole time, annoying everyone, gets kicked out of the group, and then can't get into any other groups, and thinks its just because everyone's jealous   „     —What people think on GameFAQs.     “   to be fair, I watched the matches, and any casual xcom player would destroy them both, but we can't punt worth shit, so meh.   „     —What people think on IGN.     “   DeAngelis wiped the floor with Kluwe   „     —and on GameInformer. Previous Quote | Next Quote

GaerGate, racism and misogyny

GET READY TO GET RAPED

Believing he's a "Gamer" now (seriously, what a sad thing to aspire to), Chris made an ill-advised attempt to make himself relevant again by dipping his toe in the GamerGate cesspool. After months of making an ass of himself on twitter and letting everyone see how far he's fallen, Kluwe saw that David Packman invited an MRA neo-nazi who supports GG (don't they all?) to his show and made fun of him. So, in a desperate attempt to convince himself that someone is an ally to his cause, Kluwe invited himself to the show as well, thinking he would find a sympathetic ear. All of this probably has something to do with his long-standing involvement with Gawker Media.

Use scrollbar to see the full image

The interview actually went pretty well, so Kluwe could have been satisfied with it and left it at that. But he didn't. Instead, in a brain damage induced stupor, Kluwe mistook himsef for some sort of intellectual superman and got Packman to agree to let him take part in a debate. Properly assessing Kluwe's level of intellect, Packman pit him against Mercedes Carrera, a professional prostitute porn star. However, Mercedes has a degree in engineering, and even if she didn't, sucking cocks for a living still makes you a more apt candidate to take part in a debate than spending several years being dropped on your head.

The debate went as expected, as Kluwe showed up to it wearing a dirty shirt and with unwashed hair. No one is sure what was said in this debate, since everyone was so distracted by Kluwe's newly forming bald-spot, but at the end of it many of GamerGates opposition (that Kluwe sought to represent) announced that they are switching sides because Kluwe is a misogynist for daring to disagree with a woman.

Nor satisfied with his glorious results, Chris went back to twitter and called Mercedes a "Nacho shield" (because she's a fat spic), before blocking Mercedes so she couldn't respond. And with that, Kluwe added "Racist" to his ever growing list of achievements as a "progressive".

Other Shit

Books

Beautifully Unique Sparkleponies

A book because Chris couldn't figure out how to use LiveJournal or BlogSpot.

“   Mr. Kluwe seems to easily amused by Mr. Kluwe.   „     —Amazon reader review #1     “   I got this as a gift. I was very disappointed. I was told that Kluwe was some sort of thinker and had things worth saying. But it sure didn't turn out that way. ... The most useful thing people can probably get out of the book is a case study in how being "famous" rots the brain. How people who get political visibility and get the media listening to them tend to go off the rails fast. As went Julian Assange, so goes Chris Kluwe. The minute anyone starts listening to the media and politicians about how important they are, doom will follow.   „     —Review #2     “   Sometimes the people telling you to write a book should keep their mouths shut. Sometimes I should be more careful before buying for the Kindle. I was angry at how silly and boring this book is.   „     —Review #3     “   The book offers little food for thought.   „     —Review #4     “   Did he have an editor? Did they tell him that a few rambling diatribes about... something were fine, but that maybe people who bought a book by an ex-professional football player would expect, I don't know, some mention of playing football in the NFL? Overall, he's not quite as smart or as deep as he would like to be, but good call on including pictures.   „     —Review #5     “   there's nothing positive in this. Everything is bad, bad, wrong, wrong.   „     —Review #6     “   Name your platitude of the day. That's the trouble. These sermons really aren't "Beautifully Unique." Mr. Kluwe needs some way to differentiate his message from everything else we hear in church. Thus, this sparklepony SHOUTS (capital letters, cheap vulgarities, and other devices intended to SHOCK his audience) as if he is a high school senior arguing for motherhood and apple pie, if not Chevy. Albeit, a high school senior with a very impressive vocabulary, that he enjoys using, (no harm there.) But it is tiring to be on the receiving end of so much shouting. After a few pages the writing loses effectiveness. It isn't really writing. It is punching keys on a laptop with emotion. There's a reason excellent writers don't punt. They are too consumed with spending years honing their craft, attending and teaching at graduate schools, enrolling in endless writing workshops, struggling for years. Good writing pulls a reader in. It does not push one away. Not sure why this book ended up in my pile, but it's off to the library book sale now.   „     —Review #7     “   I didn't realize I was going to be reading a bunch of poorly written short essays on the first thoughts that pop into Kluwe's head. ... Occasionally he would use a vocabulary word that seemed out of place so perhaps the reader would feel that he was hit by a stroke of genius and would interpret his writing as gold. His rants seemed the same, no matter what topic he was discussing, and I honestly couldn't stomach the book after 40 pages. Bottom line: This book is terrible. This is one of the very, very few books I have not finished.   „     —Review #8     “   He is also arrogant and self-righteous, which is (obviously) not admirable. Calling people who disagree with you morons doesn't win anyone to your side.   „     —Review #9     “   Kluweless   „     —Review #10 Previous Quote | Next Quote

PRIME: A Genesis series Event Part 1

A book co-written by Andrew Reiner, known for being executive editor of Game Informer and being in Chris' shitty band. I wonder why Chris would be so adamant in attacking GamerGate, just because he is BFF with one of those having to adhere to common journalistic guidelines.

“   Oh God: "DNA shadows dance across my face".   „     —Amazon reader review #1     “   How do I review a debut novel that plagiarizes so many sci-fi stories? I suppose there must be an allowance given to the two "authors"; One a Game Magazine Editor and the other an ex-Punter. Much in the same way we have to give allowance of "artistic expression" to a 4 year old that wants her drawings hung on a refrigerator door. The easiest scenario I can set up for this review can be taken from the writer's own words; ANDREW REINER: The original discussion we had was really stupid, but exciting. I believe we settled on a story about a shark with a human brain that was a detective who solved murders but also gave into his killer instincts and killed a bunch of people. It was kind of like a shark version of Dexter, I believe. CHRIS KLUWE: Andrew and I were talking one day, and we started spit-balling ideas for a cheesy scifi movie like Sharknado. We stumbled on one that we really liked, started fleshing out the universe, and realized we had a legit cool sci-fi story on our hands. That was when we knew we had to write this book. Apparently the earliest inspiration was 'Sharknado', 'Deep Blue Sea' & the Showtime series 'Dexter'. But the book I read had none of this. PRIME begins with wealthy people going to a resort to hunt genetically modified creatures ... "but in space". The main characters are Xander, a mad scientist and Rob, a salesman that convinces wealthy people that hunting Frankenstein Monsters is a good idea. Very quickly the monsters break free and ... uhg ... it saves me a lot of unnecessary typing by just admitting this is Jurassic Park ... "but in space" The dialogue has the same disjointed unrealistic conversations found in 1980's comic books & video games. Character development is nowhere to be found as the story jumps around from action scene to action scene. The closest we get to reading dialogue is Rob's inner thoughts, "I aim to find out. I aim to find out, indeed." - There's one perspective to another perspective without bridging them together at a relative pace.It's like the screenplay for a SYFY Original with describing blood spraying everywhere and how "cool" it is. Now mind you this does occur in outer space, yet there's so little mention of stars, planets & aliens that you have to remind yourself that this is happening in space and not the video game DOOM. There is no historic background, governing rules or a social structure of any kind. It's an isolated expedition. The readers only intel of current history is that Earth is dead & people live in space now. Prime is filled with mindless-actions and very little dialogue. This is lazy writing at it's laziest. "Why have it in space to begin with." I ask myself ... the answer would be "legality" because this is bluntly rewriting a Michael Crichton story with hopes that it gets picked up by SYFY or a game developer. I simply can't continue critiquing this nonsense. It's garbage. After reading this book I threw it in the garbage. It's that bad. BUT the worst thing ... the very worst thing about this book, is that these two hacks have deemed it good enough for a series of books. Their next story well underway. That's the horrifying twist ending for this empty tale ... "We're Not Done Yet".   „     —Reader review #2     “   Weak start, plot holes and numerous inaccuracies and continuity issues within the story line   „     —Review #3     “   Not really compelling, weak characters, plot is predictable and seen before   „     —Review #4     “   There is also similarity between the whole story idea and previously published work.   „     —Review #5     “   Shut up, Kluwe.   „     —Review #6 Previous Quote | Next Quote

Band

TrippingIcarus is Chris' band. We think it is supposed to be a Nickelback cover band, but they somehow screwed up and became even worse.

Nobody listened to this, hence why no reviews Nobody listened to this either, hence why no reviews Absolutely nobody listened to this either, hence why no reviews Nobody even cares Not even on Google Play Previous Image | Next Image

See Also

• GamerGate
• old
• Hand egg
• Rapist
• Steroids

External links

•  brother's facebook
•  wife's facebook
•  Sister's facebook
• Dad is, of course, a fucking millionaire... Spoiled rich kid is a racist and SJW? What are the odds?
• The wife's health care clinic (archive)
• complete name of all family members (archive)
• Mom is an anesthesiologist
• His house.
• This is a 30 year old man.. With a supposed wife and child.
• LOL got a C-.
• Number 11 most famous rock in Minneapolis on Reverbnation, what an achievement.