Genesis

Genesis is the first of five loads of shit that comprise the Torah.

What We're Told

According to some book, God created the earth and anything on it on October 23, 4004 according to some, or, more likely, last Thursday. This is widely believed to be a hoax created by Moses and the Jews to make them feel more important then they really are.

Luckily for us, God left the original log files for the creation of the Earth in a server in Wisconsin where some faggot uncovered them.

The Truth

In the beginning there was the Computer. Here are the logs from the initial startup:

And God said
C:\>LET THERE BE LIGHT!
Enter user-id.

C:\>GOD

Enter password.

C:\>OMNISCIENT

Password incorrect. Try again.

C:\>OMNIPOTENT

Password incorrect. Try again.

C:\>TECHNOCRAT

And God logged on at 00:00:01, day 1.

C:\>LET THERE BE LIGHT!

Unrecognisable command. Try again.

C:\>CREATE LIGHT

Done

C:\>RUN HEAVEN AND EARTH

And God created Day and Night. And God saw that there were 0 errors.

And God logged off at 00:01:00, day 1.

And God logged on at 00:00:01, day 2.

C:\>LET THERE BE FIRMAMENT IN THE MIDST OF WATER AND LIGHT

Unrecognisable command. Try again.

C:\>CREATE FIRMAMENT

Done.

C:\>RUN HEAVEN AND EARTH

And God divided the waters. And God saw that there were 0 errors.

And God logged off at 00:02:00, day 2.

And God logged on at 00:00:01, day 3.

C:\>LET THE WATERS UNDER HEAVEN BE GATHERED TOGETHER UNTO ONE PLACE AND LET THE DRY LAND APPEAR

Too many characters in specification string. Try again.

C:\>CREATE DRY_LAND

Done.

C:\>RUN HEAVEN AND EARTH

Done.

C:\>LET THE EARTH PRODUCE FRESH GROWTH, LET THERE BE ON THE EARTH PLANTS

Too many characters in specification string. Try again.

C:\>CREATE PLANTS

C:\>RUN HEAVEN AND EARTH

So it was; the Earth yielded fresh growth, plants bearing seed. And God saw that there were 0 errors.

And God logged off at 00:02:00, day 3.

And God logged on at 00:00:01, day 4.

C:\>CREATE LIGHTS IN THE FIRMAMENT TO DIVIDE THE DAY FROM THE NIGHT

Unspecified type. Try again.

C:\>CREATE SUN_MOON_STARS

Done

C:\>RUN HEAVEN AND EARTH

These lights governed day and night and separated light from darkness. And God saw there were 0 errors.

And God logged off at 00:02:00, day 4.

And God logged on at 00:00:01, day 5.

C:\>CREATE FISH

Done

C:\>CREATE FOWL

Done

C:\>RUN HEAVEN AND EARTH

And God created the great sea monsters and every living creature that creepeth wherewith the waters swarmed after its kind and every winged fowl after its kind. And
God saw that there were 0 errors.

And God logged off at 00:02:00, day 5.

And God logged on at 00:00:01, day 6.

C:\>CREATE CATTLE

Done

C:\>CREATE CREEPY_THINGS

Done

C:\>RUN HEAVEN AND EARTH

C:\>NOW LET US MAKE MAN IN OUR IMAGE

Unspecified type. Try again.

C:\>CREATE MAN

Done

C:\>BE FRUITFUL AND MULTIPLY AND REPLENISH THE EARTH AND SUBDUE IT AND HAVE DOMINION OVER THE FISH OF THE SEA AND OVER THE FOWL OF THE AIR AND OVER EVERY LIVING
THING THAT CREEPETH UPON THE EARTH

Too many command operands. Try again.

C:\>RUN MULTIPLICATION

Execution terminated. 6 errors.

C:\>INSERT BREATH

Done

C:\>RUN MULTIPLICATION

Execution terminated. 5 errors.

C:\>MOVE MAN TO GARDEN OF EDEN

File Garden of Eden does not exist.

C:\>CREATE GARDEN.EDN

Done

C:\>MOVE MAN TO GARDEN.EDN

Done

C:\>RUN MULTIPLICATION

Execution terminated. 4 errors.

C:\>COPY WOMAN FROM MAN

Done

C:\>RUN MULTIPLICATION

Execution terminated. 3 errors.

C:\>CREATE DESIRE

Done

C:\>RUN MULTIPLICATION

Execution terminated. 2 errors.
C:\>CREATE FREEWILL

Done

C:\>RUN FREEWILL

And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn

Warning: No time limit set. 1 errors.

C:\>UNDO DESIRE

Desire cannot be undone. File may be in use by Freewill.

C:\>DELETE FREEWILL

Freewill cannot be deleted. it may be a hidden or system file or may be in use.

Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.

C:\>HELP

Desire cannot be undone. File may be in use by Freewill.
Freewill cannot be deleted. it may be a hidden or system file or may be in use.

Try again, cancel or quit program.

Try again

Try again, cancel or quit program.

cancel

Try again, cancel or quit program.

quit

Try again, cancel or quit program.

C:\>CREATE TREE_OF_KNOWLEDGE

And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn

Warning: No time limit set. 1 errors.

C:\>CREATE GOOD, EVIL

Done

C:\>ACTIVATE EVIL

And God saw he had created shame.

Warning system error. Missing or corrupt file: Man and Woman not in Garden.edn. 1 errors.

C:\>SCAN GARDEN.EDN FOR MAN, WOMAN

Search failed.

C:\>DELETE SHAME

Shame cannot be deleted. File may be in use by Freewill.

C:\>DELETE FREEWILL

Freewill cannot be deleted. it may be a hidden or system file or may be in use.

Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.

C:\>STOP

Unrecognizable command. Try again

C:\>BREAK

C:\>BREAK

C:\>BREAK

ATTENTION ALL USERS *** ATTENTION ALL USERS COMPUTER GOING DOWN FOR REGULAR MAINTENANCE IN FIVE MINUTES. PLEASE LOG OFF.

C:\>CREATE NEW WORLD

You have exceeded your allocated file space.

You must destroy old files before new ones can be created.
C:\>DESTROY EARTH

Destroy earth: Please confirm.

COMPUTER DOWN *** COMPUTER DOWN.

SERVICES WILL RESUME day 8 AT 00:00:00

YOU MUST SIGN OFF NOW.

And God logged off at 23:59:59, day 6.

And God rested.

See Also

• The Bible
• Comic Genesis
• Neon Genesis Evangelion
• Sega Genesis
• Phill Collins' horrible band (actually an acronym for "Geriatric Eccentrics Now Expiring Slowly In Stadiums")

Genesis is part of a series on Obscure Religions

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