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[[Image:Boozefest.jpg|thumb|right|Free [[booze]]: a good reason for [[you]] to come to church.]]


''We're sorry, did you mean: [[NAMBLA]]?''
<br>
Cath'''lol'''ics are the largest organized group of pedophiles in the world who pretend to enjoy eating fish sticks on Fridays during Lent and wearing ashes on their forehead once a year to creep people out. Catholics are also well known for acceptance of pedophilia in all its forms. [[Drama whore|Children]] actually stand LESS of a [[Evolution|chance]] of being raped by [[Bestiality|furries]], yes FUCKING [[Internet Disease|FURRIES]], than [[Alcoholic|Cath-o-holic]] priests. All Catholics are closet homosexuals and victims of a repressed sexuality that comes from [[Scientology|nonsensical]] [[Mormon|religions]] such as Catholicism. Note: Some Catholics are not religious, but they may be addicted to [[Cat|cats]].
==History of Catholicism==
[[Image:Catholic-virgin-mary-mother-of-god.jpg|thumb|left|Catholics believe [[Jesus]] was conceived after the [[Slut|Virgin]] Mary gave a [[hand job]] then [[masturbated]].]]
People were fine with being Christians until [[at least 100 years ago]], when some [[nerd]] called the [[Waaaambulance]] on [[God]] making up the rules. Even though Catholics believed God is [[wat|omniscient]], they said that someone who is <strike>actually real</strike> actually on earth should make the rules because they would have a better understanding of [[moar|what the people want]]. After a [[flame war]] which finally ended in the [[Fifty_Hitler_Post|fifty Ramses illuminations]], <strike>God</strike> the power-hungry [[Bureaucratic Fuck|bureaucracy of the Catholic Church]] told everyone that God gave them total power to make up whatever dumbshit ideas they wanted, and he'd have to stick to their rules.
{{quote|Whatever you hold true on earth will be held true in heaven.|The Bible, Matthew 16:16-19}}
[[meme|Because it was the cool thing at the time]], the Catholics made one person have absolute control over their religion for life. This is called the [[Pope]]. Using his newfound [[leet|M4D 1337 R31IGI0U5]] powers, the Pope declared that even though basically everything, [[truth|even farting]], was a sin. Howevar, Catholics shouldn't be afraid because all you have to do is say sorry to God, and he HAS to forgive you, because the Pope totally [[pwn|pwns]] him.
Also important is that the Pope is infallible, which is like godmode for [[flame wars]]. It means that no matter what the Pope says, even if it is [[batshit crazy]], he is ALWAYS [[teh]] [[winnar]]. This means that Popes can [[troll]] like crazy, and [[old memes]] of teh Pope doing it include excluding [[women]] from anything but [[sandwich|sammich]] duty in the church. Also, this lets him wear robes all day, every day, kind of like Hugh Hefner, but instead of bunnies, he just keeps a lot of [[fanboys]] that are also in robes with him. Catholics believe that when Jesus died, his spirit inhabited Peter and he became pope. Every time a pope dies, Jesus leaves him and inhabits another [[YOU'RE A BIRD!|Cardinal]] in Rome and the other Cardinals have to find him and make him the Pope. This process has proven Jesus to be racist, as the Pope is always [[white]], really old and a [[truth|former Nazi]].
Because the pope is a [[dumbfuck]] and makes no sense, in 1517 Catholics with brains left the church and became a different type of Christian known as a [[hippy|Protestant]].
[[Image:Catholicparty.jpg|thumb|[[party|Feast]] of the Floating Shroud at [[you|your]] local Catholic church.]]
[[Image:Catholic girl ladyJ,poster6.jpg|thumb|right|Clothes that conceal only add to the allure of a Catholic girl.]]
[[Image:Saint.jpg|thumb|Statue of St. [[gaiafag|Girafarig]], a famous Catholic pedophile.]]
[[Image:Lolcathlic.jpg|thumb|A few catholic clergymen out for a Sunday jaunt.  Their costumes reflect their deep respect for the dark side of the force.]]
[[Image:Zomg_gay.jpg|thumb|Chippendale dancers are often employed during special religious services.]]
[[Image:Fundies sign.jpg|thumb|right|No one is safe from the wrath of God!]]
[[Image:Fred-phelps pg.jpg|thumb|right|Typical Catholics.]]
[[File:B16 says Amen.jpg|thumb|right|Ratzinger says Heil!]]
[[File:Pope_pill.jpg|thumb|Then I'll hang it up over me mantelpiece!]]
[[Image:Ratzinger_hitlerjugend.jpg|thumb|right|Back to the roots. Josef Ratzinger aka BenediktXVI.]]
===Rules===
* You must play bingo once a month.
* Roman Catholics are forbidden from the fun of birth control and abortion, citing dumb-shit ideas like God'll get angry if they [[wat|"spill theirs on the dusty ground"]]. So, Roman Catholics have more kids than <strike>[[at least 100|humanly possible]]</strike> any group except for possibly [[Mormons]]. Some Catholics who are farmers use being Roman Catholic simply as an excuse for having children for free labor on their farms.
* Catholics aren't allowed to have sex until married, but it doesn't count if it's a family member or a [[pedo|priest]]. Catholic parents don't tell their kids about birth control methods or abortion, opting instead to burn into their minds the fear of God by saying that Christ cries when you fuck someone you aren't married to. [[Bristol Palin|This method is known to work in most cases]].
* [[Truth|If you are Catholic, you won't go to hell. If you are anything else, you're "misguided"]] and it is a Catholic's duty to [[goatse|open you up]] and accept [[Jesus]] Christ as your personal savior.
* In spite of how many kids they have, virtually everything, especially sex-related activities, is a sin to Catholics. Some examples include [[fetish]]es, [[masturbation]], owning a [[cat]], watching [[anime]], being jealous, being [[emo]], thinking of sex, [[dyke|girls wearing pants]] and [[Scientology|having a lot of money and not giving it to the church]].
** [[Irony|Oddly enough]], [[technical virgin|Catholic girls]] are often into [[anal|the good stuff]] when it comes to teh sex.
* Dancing is allowed (but "[[anti-lulz|keep the holy spirit between you]]") and drinking is encouraged, especially if you are a [[Irish|priest]].
* As long as you say [[trolls remorse|sorry]], your sins are forgiven and you get to go to heaven. Howevar, there are 7 sins that are unforgivable and if you commit one, you are going to hell. These 7 sins are used to keep /b/tards, [[goon]]s and [[fat]]ties out of heaven. These sins are [[sex|lust]], [[fat|gluttony]], [[rich|greed]], [[retard|sloth]], [[rage|wrath]], [[16-year-old girl|envy]] and [[gay|pride]].
* NO FLASH PHOTOGRAPHY IN THE CHURCH OR YOU'LL GO STRAIGHT TO HELL!
* [[Molest]] small children.
===Sacraments===
There are [[over 9000]] sacraments in the Catholic Church, including eating [[Jesus]], creating [[zombies]], blowing up abortion clinics, and/or not using contraceptives. It is unknown why there are so many, but [[fucktard|experts]] speculate it is because they had too much time on their hands [[last Thursday]] that could not be used [[masturbation|"spilling theirs on the dusty ground"]]. Or because the [[Pope]] said so. Noone knows.
==Hypocrisy in the Catholic Church==
===Loving of Boys Scandal===
At long last, the Church of Cathol [[cum|comes]] clean on the [[buttsecks]] scandals:
<youtube>tqn_vL5d2y8</youtube>
[[Image:poperape.jpg|right|thumb|200px|It's because God thinks you're a bad person.]]
So basically everyone who works in the Catholic Church but the [[Pope]] is [[gay]].  Nuns for instance, are all [[lesbians]]. Everyone else is [[Michael Jackson|out to get little boys]]. When they've gotten a couple dozen, they get promoted to Cardinal, [[otherkin|turn into birds]], and sometimes control the government of [[France]]. The good Cardinals that don't molest children get elected [[Pope]], and get to ride in fucking sweet [[rice out|modded]] cars like the Popemobile. [[Al Gore|Holy shit]].
* A transvestite [[vampire]] [[Daddy's Money Lesbian|nun]] named [[User:Westifer|Westifer]] is one of the poor victims, but claims it was only [[almost raped|almost-rape]].  Eh, he likes the bird-cock.  Too bad.
* [[Gorgeous George]] is a sad victim of Cardinal [[rape]].
Recently, the Catholic Church decided to solve this problem . . . by publishing a [[Safe_Environment|comic book]].
===Politics===
Even though it is against the [[law]]s of the world and of [[Jesus]], [[Sarah Palin|Catholics]] love to [[socialism|spread their love]] of Jesus and of [[Republican]]s. Catholics and Republicans share a lot of the same characteristics such as haet for [[homosexual]]s, haet of [[abortion]], fright of [[niggas]], [[pedophile|love of little boys]] and [[unwarrented self importance]].
<youtube>ehXFX4_zRVg</youtube>
===Gays===
Catholics shun gays because God supposedly can stone them at any time and send them to hell. [[Divide by zero|This makes no sense because their priests are gay and priests are believed by Catholics to be a physical representation of Jesus and his spirit and according to the bible Jesus can't go to hell because he doesn't sin. God also contradicts himself by saying that we should all love each other, but also saying that Gays are evil.]] Every time a Catholic talks about gays, Bill Maher orgasms.
{{quote|As I have loved you, love one another.|Jesus,  John 13:34-35}}
{{quote|In speaking to the Athenians, Paul stated that God "has made from one blood every nation of men to dwell on all the face of the earth, and has determined their preappointed times and the boundaries of their dwellings" (Acts 17:26). We are all descendants of Adam. While we are divided between different nations and languages, we are all the same -- human beings created by the hand of God.|A Catholic with no sense of [[irony]].}}
{{quote|For there is no partiality with God.|The Bible, Romans 2:11}}
{{quote|If you show partiality, you commit sin, and are convicted by the law as transgressors.|The Bible, James 2:9}}
{{quote|If a man lies with another man as he lies with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination. They shall surely be put to death.|The Bible, Leviticus 20:13}}
==Catholicism as a Drama Generating Technique==
[[File:370-burka-choirboys.jpg|thumb|Choir boys now must dress like this to avoid getting the priests hot and bothered.]]
Being born Catholic is a godsend to [[attention whores|college girls]] who have otherwise had a secure and happy upbringing.  Such a female will claim she is a victim because she was told at some point by a [[lesbian|nun]] that sex is for marriage only.  As a result, every time she [[fap|fingers]] herself or blows some [[alpha male|stranger who bought her several jello shots]], she is haunted by Sister Mary Theresa's wizened, judgmental face breathing hellfire and brimstone down on her.  At some point she will become a [[bisexual]] or a [[Wiccan]] and start describing herself as a "recovering Catholic" (but never completely recovered because that would end the drama).
<center>'''How secularist liberal scum wants to demonize priests who ingage in [[pedo|underage passion]]'''</center>
<center><youtube>8QwuWSEgZvQ</youtube></center>
==Louis CK trolls the catholic church==
The priests [[shit bricks]] from [[pedo]] [[buttsecks]]:
<youtube>VABSoHYQr6k</youtube>
==Gallery of [[PostSecret|Secret]] Catholic [[Pix]]==
{{cg|The Lord Saw That It Was Good|galleryofsecretcatholicpix|center|
<gallery>
Image:Alienjesus.gif|The Catholic alien Jesus.
Image:Alienjesus2.jpg|Worship at the altar of alien Jesus.
Image:Jumpingjesus.JPG|Jumpin' Jesus!
Image:Ancientcatholicritual.jpg|An ancient Catholic ritual, dating back to the days of [[Egypt|Pharaoh]].</gallery>|<gallery>
Image:Dollies.jpg|[[Zaiger|Cathowwics]] wuv [[dollfie|dollies]].
Image:Catholicmagick.jpg|Catholics also love [[magick]]...
Image:Woodstock.jpg|...And Woodstock...
Image:Catholicraveparty.jpg|...And rave parties.
Image:Congaline.jpg|Catholic worship strangely resembles the conga line.
Image:Catholichippies.jpg|Catholics = [[Hippies]]
Image:Catholicsnevar4get.jpg|Catholics [[NEVAR 4GET]].
Image:Drunkinchurch.jpg|Apparently [[drunk]] parishioner.
Image:Confessional.jpg|Who you actually talk to when you walk into a confessional.
Image:Clownpriest.jpg|Bozo the Priest-Clown.
Image:Iamapirate.jpg|Yarrrrr.
Image:Cathanon.jpg|Catholics doing a poor impersonation of [[Epic Fail Guy]].
Image:Catholicaids.jpg|Translation: "The body of Christ has [[AIDS]]."
Image:Ediskrad confession.png|A furry drawing depicting [[pedophilia|typical Catholic behavior]].
Image:Bischoefe_Hitlergruß.jpg|Best friends forevar.
Image:Priester_Hitlergruß.jpg|Praising their true [[Hitler|lord and savior]].
Image:Obama_sith.jpg|Then we shall crush Protestantism.</gallery>}}
<br>
==Famous Catholics==
[[File:Nuns have tits too.jpg|thumb|right|even if they can't fuck you, a good squeeze might be alright.]]
* Nobody attractive
* [[Mel Gibson]]
* [[Pope|The Pope]]
* [[Polish crosslol]]
* [[Mexico|Every beaner]]
* [[Mark Foley]]
* [[Nazis|Croatians]]
* The priest who molested Mark Foley
* [[John F. Kennedy]]
* [[Benito Mussolini]]
* Half of [[Ireland]]
* [[Dane Cook]]
* [[Italy|Al Capone]]
* [[Jonas Brothers]]
* [[Slayer|Tom Araya of Slayer]]
* [[Demi Lovato]]
==Famous Not Catholics==
* [[Jesus]]
==See also==
* [[God Hates Fags]]
* [[Christianity]]
* [[Masturbation]]
* [[Moralfag]]
* [[Republican]]
* [[Pedophile]]
* [[Jesus]]
* [[Rape]]
* [[Catalano]]
* [[Roman Empire]]
* [[Technical virgin]]
* [[Ytask]]
* [[Updownmostly]]
* [[Irish282]]
{{Christianity}}
{{truth}}
[[Category: Subcultures]]
[[Category: Fandom Stuff]]
[[Category: Faggotry]]

Revision as of 13:39, 17 June 2011

Free booze: a good reason for you to come to church.

We're sorry, did you mean: NAMBLA?

Cathlolics are the largest organized group of pedophiles in the world who pretend to enjoy eating fish sticks on Fridays during Lent and wearing ashes on their forehead once a year to creep people out. Catholics are also well known for acceptance of pedophilia in all its forms. Children actually stand LESS of a chance of being raped by furries, yes FUCKING FURRIES, than Cath-o-holic priests. All Catholics are closet homosexuals and victims of a repressed sexuality that comes from nonsensical religions such as Catholicism. Note: Some Catholics are not religious, but they may be addicted to cats.

History of Catholicism

Catholics believe Jesus was conceived after the Virgin Mary gave a hand job then masturbated.

People were fine with being Christians until at least 100 years ago, when some nerd called the Waaaambulance on God making up the rules. Even though Catholics believed God is omniscient, they said that someone who is actually real actually on earth should make the rules because they would have a better understanding of what the people want. After a flame war which finally ended in the fifty Ramses illuminations, God the power-hungry bureaucracy of the Catholic Church told everyone that God gave them total power to make up whatever dumbshit ideas they wanted, and he'd have to stick to their rules.

   
“ 		 
Whatever you hold true on earth will be held true in heaven.
  		„
  		 

—The Bible, Matthew 16:16-19

Because it was the cool thing at the time, the Catholics made one person have absolute control over their religion for life. This is called the Pope. Using his newfound M4D 1337 R31IGI0U5 powers, the Pope declared that even though basically everything, even farting, was a sin. Howevar, Catholics shouldn't be afraid because all you have to do is say sorry to God, and he HAS to forgive you, because the Pope totally pwns him. Also important is that the Pope is infallible, which is like godmode for flame wars. It means that no matter what the Pope says, even if it is batshit crazy, he is ALWAYS teh winnar. This means that Popes can troll like crazy, and old memes of teh Pope doing it include excluding women from anything but sammich duty in the church. Also, this lets him wear robes all day, every day, kind of like Hugh Hefner, but instead of bunnies, he just keeps a lot of fanboys that are also in robes with him. Catholics believe that when Jesus died, his spirit inhabited Peter and he became pope. Every time a pope dies, Jesus leaves him and inhabits another Cardinal in Rome and the other Cardinals have to find him and make him the Pope. This process has proven Jesus to be racist, as the Pope is always white, really old and a former Nazi.

Because the pope is a dumbfuck and makes no sense, in 1517 Catholics with brains left the church and became a different type of Christian known as a Protestant.

Feast of the Floating Shroud at your local Catholic church.
Clothes that conceal only add to the allure of a Catholic girl.
Statue of St. Girafarig, a famous Catholic pedophile.
A few catholic clergymen out for a Sunday jaunt. Their costumes reflect their deep respect for the dark side of the force.
Chippendale dancers are often employed during special religious services.
No one is safe from the wrath of God!
Typical Catholics.
File:B16 says Amen.jpg
Ratzinger says Heil!
File:Pope pill.jpg
Then I'll hang it up over me mantelpiece!
File:Ratzinger hitlerjugend.jpg
Back to the roots. Josef Ratzinger aka BenediktXVI.

Rules

Sacraments

There are over 9000 sacraments in the Catholic Church, including eating Jesus, creating zombies, blowing up abortion clinics, and/or not using contraceptives. It is unknown why there are so many, but experts speculate it is because they had too much time on their hands last Thursday that could not be used "spilling theirs on the dusty ground". Or because the Pope said so. Noone knows.

Hypocrisy in the Catholic Church

Loving of Boys Scandal

At long last, the Church of Cathol comes clean on the buttsecks scandals:

It's because God thinks you're a bad person.

So basically everyone who works in the Catholic Church but the Pope is gay. Nuns for instance, are all lesbians. Everyone else is out to get little boys. When they've gotten a couple dozen, they get promoted to Cardinal, turn into birds, and sometimes control the government of France. The good Cardinals that don't molest children get elected Pope, and get to ride in fucking sweet modded cars like the Popemobile. Holy shit.

Recently, the Catholic Church decided to solve this problem . . . by publishing a comic book.

Politics

Even though it is against the laws of the world and of Jesus, Catholics love to spread their love of Jesus and of Republicans. Catholics and Republicans share a lot of the same characteristics such as haet for homosexuals, haet of abortion, fright of niggas, love of little boys and unwarrented self importance.

Gays

Catholics shun gays because God supposedly can stone them at any time and send them to hell. This makes no sense because their priests are gay and priests are believed by Catholics to be a physical representation of Jesus and his spirit and according to the bible Jesus can't go to hell because he doesn't sin. God also contradicts himself by saying that we should all love each other, but also saying that Gays are evil. Every time a Catholic talks about gays, Bill Maher orgasms.

   
“ 		 
As I have loved you, love one another.
  		„
  		 

—Jesus, John 13:34-35

   
“ 		 
In speaking to the Athenians, Paul stated that God "has made from one blood every nation of men to dwell on all the face of the earth, and has determined their preappointed times and the boundaries of their dwellings" (Acts 17:26). We are all descendants of Adam. While we are divided between different nations and languages, we are all the same -- human beings created by the hand of God.
  		„
  		 

—A Catholic with no sense of irony.

   
“ 		 
For there is no partiality with God.
  		„
  		 

—The Bible, Romans 2:11

   
“ 		 
If you show partiality, you commit sin, and are convicted by the law as transgressors.
  		„
  		 

—The Bible, James 2:9

   
“ 		 
If a man lies with another man as he lies with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination. They shall surely be put to death.
  		„
  		 

—The Bible, Leviticus 20:13

Catholicism as a Drama Generating Technique

Choir boys now must dress like this to avoid getting the priests hot and bothered.

Being born Catholic is a godsend to college girls who have otherwise had a secure and happy upbringing. Such a female will claim she is a victim because she was told at some point by a nun that sex is for marriage only. As a result, every time she fingers herself or blows some stranger who bought her several jello shots, she is haunted by Sister Mary Theresa's wizened, judgmental face breathing hellfire and brimstone down on her. At some point she will become a bisexual or a Wiccan and start describing herself as a "recovering Catholic" (but never completely recovered because that would end the drama).

How secularist liberal scum wants to demonize priests who ingage in underage passion

Louis CK trolls the catholic church

The priests shit bricks from pedo buttsecks:

Gallery of Secret Catholic Pix

The Lord Saw That It Was Good About missing Pics
  • The Catholic alien Jesus.
    The Catholic alien Jesus.
  • Worship at the altar of alien Jesus.
    Worship at the altar of alien Jesus.
  • Jumpin' Jesus!
    Jumpin' Jesus!
  • An ancient Catholic ritual, dating back to the days of Pharaoh.
    An ancient Catholic ritual, dating back to the days of Pharaoh.
[Collapse GalleryExpand Gallery]


Famous Catholics

even if they can't fuck you, a good squeeze might be alright.

Famous Not Catholics

See also

Catholic
is part of a series on
Christianity
Blessed by God [-+]
Beliefs, Events, Traditions and Other Drama [-+]
Pissing Off the Almighty [-+]
Heathens [-+]

Catholic is part of a series on

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