Castlevania

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Look familiar?

Castlevania is a video game series that started out as a Mario pawning action-adventure for the NES/SNES. Over the years, however, the newer Castlevania games slowly succumbed to the tsunami waves of anorexic 13 year old anime fanboys, and emo furfags who never even heard of the original series. Games like Castlevania: Judgement appeal more to the Sonichu fanbase.

The Story

All games in the series consist of one of these two plots:

Before 1997
Castlevania games before 1997 were done in arcade style. It opens with a vampire hunter in front of Dracula's castle. Then a bunch of levels where the player gets knocked off of platforms over 9000 times by Medusa heads. The player proceeds to kill bats, mummies, Frankenstein monsters, Niggers, and Death before fighting Dracula.

After 1997
After 1997 all the games became non-linear and got a ton of RPG elements added. The vampire hunting industry gets taken over by transexuals clad in name-brand fashion acessories. Players alternate going back and forth through a castle collecting a large amount of cool weapons and useless crap needed to kill Dracula. Also, if you'd like to shit bricks, Alucard spelled backwards is Dracula. People will feel the need to point this out for over 9000 years after the release of the game.

File:CVplot.png

A note about non-linearity in Castlevania - The post SoTN games really are linear, because they are just a series of fetch quests to get items and beat bosses and fornicate with other men so that whichever Belmondo you are controlling can have the story pushed forward. If they really were non-linear, you could just go kill Dracula and then go outside to find women to have sex with. Then again, you're reading ED, so you might as well just play Julius mode and avoid the embarrassment.

The Games

NES Castlevania. That's right, in the 80s zombies were pink.

Symphony of the Night

H-H-H-HOLY CROSS

• Castlevania
  

The first of the shitstorm of games yet to come. It consists of getting you getting knocked off ledges and dying. After struggling to beat the game you unleash hard-mode where your are CONSTANTLY zerg rushed with as many fucking bats as possible. The ability to change direction in the middle of a jump did not exist, causing most players to uncontrollably RAGE. The next 3 million games are like this, each with slowly improving graphics.

You play as Simon Belmont, a Vampire Slayer who uses a leather whip and other kinky Catholic sex toys to rape 8-bit skeletons. The Bosses of the game are of Dracula (obviously) and your standard B-Movie monsters like Mummies and Frankenstein.

• Castlevania 2: Simon's Quest
  

This game exists solely to sell copies of Nintendo Power to tell people what to do with the red crystal. In an attempt to revolutionize all gaming, Konami tried their best to integrate RPG elements into the sequel to their Medusa-head-dodging simulator. Of course, they fuck it all up and it has all the usual problems of JRPGs; poor translation, useless leveling system to pad out gameplay, random uses for random items, and an attempt at a unique THE MORNING SUN HAS VANQUISHED THE HORRIBLE NIGHT.

• Castlevania 3: Dracula's Curse
  

Realizing the abortion they had produced, Konami went back and shuffled around the sprites from the first Castlevania. They then added some new characters, most notably Alucard. Other than that, it's the same game as the first one, starting a tradition that the series would reset with Symphony of the Night.

• Super Castlevania IV
  

In order to appease 12-year-olds who wanted to see Castlevania in glorious 16-bit color, Konami messed around in their labs for awhile and pooped out the shittiest side-scrolling Castlevania to date. Seen by some fans to be a remake of the original, it is really Konami trolling its fans because every side-scrolling Castlevania is a remake of the original.

• Bloodlines
  

After fucking everything that could have been fucked up with Super Castlevania IV, Konami set out to fix that which was once wronged with the first and only Castlevania for the Sega Genesis. In it you play as two bad dudes John Morris, the typical whip wielding protagonist, and Eric Lecarde, a guy with the best fucking spear in any video game. These guys apparently were in the Bram Stoker novel as this game takes place right after it making it the only Castlevania in cannon with the official Dracula story and the only one that matters. Konami final realized that it was fucking stupid collecting hearts to power your weapons so instead you collect gems because that makes so much more sense. You can also perform an "ITEM-CRASH" with your weapons like you could do in Dracula X. Also carried over from Dracula X was the ability to jump on and off of those fucking stairs finally, making the controls the best in the entire series. Despite all these improvements, Bloodlines manages to be the hardest Castlevania game to date making it another textbook example of how it sucks ass no matter what console.

• Symphony of the Night

The sprites are cooler and the game system has been RPG-ified. The story line is the epitome of failure, but the gameplay is so great you won't give a fuck. There are shitloads of weapons, items, and other crap to run around with making the game a lot less boring. You play as a vampire named Alucard and plow through the castle to find the owner is a Belmont. You receive Magic Beer Goggles to find out he's controlled by the evil lawyer, Shaft. This creates loophole in his contract allowing Dracula to be revived again.

[[Collapse Me][More shit games]]

• Castlevania and Castlevania: Legacy of Darkness
  

Amazed at the continued success of the least innovative series to date, Konami decided it was time to troll their fans and see if there was something they wouldn't buy. It took them two tries on the N64, but they succeeded.

• Castlevania Chronicles
  

First released for some Japanese computing machine in 1993, it was later released on the PS1 in 2001, scaring long-time fans that the series was reverting to its prior suck. It's a remake of a remake, or maybe just a remake of the first game directly....oh hell, it's that game again.

• Lament of Innocence

After fucking up Castlevania 64 they decided to give another go at a 3D Castlevania in the series. The end product wasn't half bad. It wasn't half good, either.

Basically you play as Leon Belmont, a knight who fought in the Crusades who has to save his hoe from some ginger vampire named Walter. To make his whip strong enough to fuck Walter he has to murder his wife with it. He does so and it creates teh whip "Vampire Killer". You go back after Walter and kill him, then there is a crazy twist revealing how Dracula came to be.

• Portrait of Ruin

Probably the worst Castlevania ever made. You play as Jonathan Morris and Charlotte Aulin (Aulin meaning All-in in reference to her huge fucking vagina, the cock teasing bitch). The castle is now full of paintings/portals which lead to Egypt, England and wherever the hell they please. The Final Boss is a bald-headed fuck who paints pictures. He was just one of the many vampires to have bought Dracula's real-estate after his death. To kill the final boss you must under-go training taught to you by a ghost. After you beat the game you can play as "Richiter" Belmont. The rest of the game has its share of typos.

• Curse of Darkness

Some really weird game where you play as some retard named Hector who chooses to place his trust in a weird monk instead of a spiffy time traveler. There's also this dumb witch who's the sister of the psychotic ginger you're trying to kill the whole fucking time, I mean seriously wouldn't you stop a guy from killing your brother? but noooo, she says he's CUUURSED. Anyway, you go through the game, getting furries and fighting really weird and easy enemies, kinda like every other single castlevania game without the gathering of furries and shit. You can get alot of weapons like a light saber, a power glove, and death's scythe but you often have to sacrifice already pwnage weapons to get newer ones, which some people prefer the older ones but saved so they're fucked. Your rival is Isaac, he's kinda like the joker but in olden times and really fucking gay with red hair. He owns Trevor belmont, then kisses him right before he finishes him off. The furry monsters comprise of some faggy fairy no ones ever gonna use because it's just for pussies, a golem thingy that can turn into a weeaboo, a gay dog-giant, a blob that kinda looks like chaos from sonic adventure and THE JUGGERNAUT, BITCH. Then there's a black mage thing that's pretty badass but one of its last forms are some princess girl that spams stars at shit. Then you get a bird which is just.. A bird. One of it's forms are a mass of meat on a pair of wings.. really weird. Then you get the devil type... innocent devil. Real creative, huh? Then, after you go through all the boring shit you fight the last boss, DRACULA. (OMG!) After Hector pusses out on killing Isaac, that weird monk faggot reveals that he's Death, and hes gonna rape your ass, right after he sends Isaac in a coffin to turn into Dracula, however that works. Then you fight death and hes the slowest most miserable fuck you could ever possibly hope to fight in a game. After you beat the game, you can go into boss rush mode for a material which you couldn't before to get the power glove which is really just t3h l33t h@x. if you use it's best special it makes a motherfucking volcano in the ground.

tl;dr: Just another Castlevania, except you summon monsters and there's a time traveller that has nothing to do with the story.

Characters

Vampire Hunters

• Leon: The first member of the clan to wield the whip. He had anger issues and some very lame lines, such as "I'LL KILL YOU AND THE NIGHT!" and "CARVE THEM ON YOUR CURSED BODY AND PERISH!". He's also emo, which is surprising, since the game took place in 1095 AD, when the emo subculture was yet to befoul the world.
  
  

• Simon: The Belmont everyone knows and loves, and starred in the original, which is always the best. Konami loves him so much that they recycled his game several times. Truly all that is man, Simon can do fucking anything with the whip. The only thing that sucks about Simon is that he can't do shit on the stairs (except in Super Castlevania IV). ED hopes he kills Stephanie Meyer in the next Castlevania.
  
  

• Trevor: An ancestor of Simon. He needed friends to kill Dracula. What a pussy. He also married a transsexual witch. He pops up again in one of the newer 3D games, where he does nothing but troll the player. He gets his comeuppance, however, when he's taken down and molested by the game's villain.
  
  

• Richter: Fought alongside Maria Renard and Alucard. He was controlled by Dracula, but only after getting his shit kicked in by Alucard did he come to his senses. He originally looked like Ryu, but was updated for Symphony of The Night and the Dracula X Chronicles to look like every other Belmont, with the added bonus of greasy, unkempt hair. May be related to Richiter Belmont, who you can play as in Portrait of Ruin.
  
  

• Julius: A modern Belmont, Julius is the most powerful Belmont to date, and is the only one to have facial hair, which may or may not be related to his powers.
  
  

Whenever someone mentions that this is the real Alucard, an army of whiny fanboys will make pained rebuttals, and claim that Ayami Kojima's is the real one.

Left: Sypha before his sex change. Right: After sex change.

• Alucard: The son of Dracula, and his pseudonym is Dracula spelled backwards. His real name is "Adrian Farenheit Tepes". He hates his dad, probably because he was not given enough hugs as a child. In the future he pretends to be Japanese, calling himself Vagina Alucardo. . He is the most fapped-to person in the series by fanboys and fangirls alike, due to his cool powers and hawt looks. Suggestions have been made of just going ahead and making a game where you play as Alucard to rescue Alucard from Alucard in a castle that's made of nothing but high-resolution images of Alucard.

• Soma Cruz: A half-Puerto Rican high school exchange student in Japan in 2035 who is supposed to be Dracula's reincarnation, and can absorb souls from monsters. He can equip souls to gain new attacks and transform. He is quite androgynous, only surpassed by Alucard when it comes to looking like an animu man-whore.

• Sypha Belnades: Sorcerer who helped Trevor Belmont in Dracula's Curse. At the end of the game, he is revealed to be she, and apparently had a hard life. (Gee, now where have I seen this before?) After IGA took over, and Konami granting him power to change everything, Sypha and Trevor made babies and gave birth to new super-powerful Belmonts, most notably Juste. In the fighting game Castlevania: Judgment, where Death Note artist Takeshi Obata did the character designs, he gave Sypha a new rack job, as well as a PMSing personality, thus giving birth to her new name; Slutpha Bitchnades. She's also a witch who works for the Church.

• Maria Renard: Richter's sister-in-law who attacks by throwing birds. Originally shown as a little girl kidnapped by a dark priest, she next appears as a horny teenager, chasing after Alucard.

You'd hit that.

Dracula and his Bitches

• Dracula: The constant villain of the series (Sometimes reffered to as Count Orlok, in tribute to the 1922 classic silent horror movie Nosferatu). In every game, he gets brought back from the dead, and a Belmont has to kill him again. His usual tactics include breaking a number of wine glasses and transforming into his true form, which is never the same thing in any game, possibly the only variety in the series. Supposedly destroyed once and for all by Julius Belmont in 1999. HE'S BACK!!!

• Death: Before death, a nigga. no, really. thats all you need to know.

• Carmilla: Carmilla fucking loves Dracula. No. Srsly. She has butthurt over the fact Dracula is gay with Death and prefers his boner over her tits. She likes to wear typical whore outfits like fishnets and platform high-heels. Alucard acts like he hates her and wants to kill her. But we all know what he really wants from her.

The Music

It's overrated.

The Fandom

There's little information available about the Castlevania fandom currently, as it rarely escapes it's parent's basement.

There is multiple fandom for Castlevania such as the knockoff JKA Mod being developed by omegasigma from FileFucks. There are now multiple ways to troll the fandom.

• Go on a Castlevania board and say that Castlevania: Legends is canon, and that Igarashi removed it from the time-line because he's sexist.

• Start a forum topic stating that the classic games are better than the Metroidvanias.

• In a poll about who's the best character, point out that Alucard is a shitty hero and Simon Belmont is moar manly.

• Tell them that the PS3/Xbox360 game with Alucard is canceled, because Koji Igarashi was fired from Konami, due to the shitty and repetitive games he has produced for the last 10 years.

• Say that Hideo Kojima and Mercury Steam now own the Castlevania series.

GALLERY

• 
  No fandom is free from cosplay...
• 
  Nor from yaoi.
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  Even the Grim Reaper can be made kawaii!
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  Rule 34
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  Not Rule 34.
• 
  RICHTER MAH BOIIIII
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  Nothing is safe from furries.
• 
• 
  ZOOMJAP'D
• 
  Richter Belmont as seen in the artwork from Symphony Of The Night.
• 
  What happens when Alucard's BS is cured.
• 
• 
  Typical mentality of Castlevania fantards.

See also

• What is a man?
• Simon Belmont
• Vampire
• Christianity
• Konami
• Goth
• ICVD - A forum full of Castlevania fantards.

External Links

• The Castlevania Dungeon (For more information than you ever wanted to know about the series)

• "Dracula Perfect Selection" (The official Castlevania rap album. Srsly)

• Throne Room of Lord Dracula (Another forum with Castlevania fantards)

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