Metal (music)

Like the points on a pentagram there are 5 styles of METAL

Click on one of the below categories to expand its content. Heavy  •   Power  •   Glam  •   Symphonic Goth Metal  •   Black Same difference. Heavy metal is often mistaken for music, when it is actually made of fail and Aids. The "lyrics" are always about elves, pixies, dragons, suicide, Satan, getting grounded by your mom, hatred for girls who won't put out, murder, and shit nobody cares about. Metal is usually mistaken for emo "music", but there is 1 difference. Emos cut themselves and 'metalheads' cut other people and themselves.   “   Okay, so Judas Priest fans are buying heavy metal records, listening to the records, and then blowing their heads off with shotguns? Where's the problem?   „   —Bill Hicks Black Sabbath's debut album has a 'scary' cover! A short history of metal plus other "important" stuff Heavy metal: where any one-balled, short-dicked, ass-faced, shitheaded, cock-sucking, motherfucker with a guitar can make a band. Thanks for all the AIDS. Black Sabbath released several shit albums that sold well to angst-ridden teens. Then Ozzy took lots of drugs and became the pathetic croaking dwarf-man-thing he is today. Black Sabbath paved the way for more gay-ass bands like AC/DC, which eventually helped the genre 'evolve' into something awful: Pantera went from EXTREMELY gay glam metal and moved to the "listen-able" hell that is now "groove metal". Judas Priest gave metal its gay "fashion sense" and also made some of its fans commit suicide, which was the only useful thing ever done by a metal band. Metallica came along and shat on metal with all their might and created popularize and ruin a genre that had potential to be good called "thrash". However, they decided to ass rape Napster so much so that we have to pay for music so that Lars Ulrich can have a fucking gold-plated shark tank next to his cesspool full of semen. The shit they played was very inspirational to bands like Pantera who proceeded to spawn shit-for-brains metalcore bands and pollute the world. TL;DR METAL WAS MADE BY DICKS WHO SHAT TOO MUCH, RECORDED IT, AND CALLED IT "MUSIC". Power metal fans think their music is hardcore when it's really shit. Power metal is the Juliana Wetmore of the metal world, and is made by mixing good,traditional metal music with homosexuality. Since it is so hideous to listen to (and is rumored to have AIDS due to the inherent faggotry), most people with any common sense cover their ears at the very mention of it. Every power metal song, whether 3 or 30 minutes long, consists of a few necessary ingredients. First, a drum machine must be used because no human is capable of playing the exact same drum beat for every power metal song evar. This makes it even shittier IRL. The guitar tracks are also sped up. Power Metal Fashion Typical CD cover. Power metal bands are often LARPers or are otherwise involved in cosplay, and never seem to be out of costume. Their hair resembles that of a gay hippie - in other words, long and messy, but styled with shampoos that cost at least 100 dollars a bottle. You know, because that's really metal. The singers wear pants similar to what emo/scene kids wear, in an apparent effort to try to lure them away from the depressing emo market and draw them to the S0 EP1C!!11!!1 world of power metal. Power Metal Fantards The power metal fandom is rather small, since most people recognize that the music is TL;DR and gay by nature. Power metal fans are normally fat aspie basement-dwellers with neckbeards, and the rest are 13-year-old boys who will soon descend into the same fate. Many are LARPers and the rest play World of Warcraft. Many do both. These people claim to connect with the shit lyrics because it's so much like their lives. Power Metal Lyrics Word count on DragonForce's Inhuman Rampage CD. If you thought emo poetry was bad, just read this shit. The lyrics are the same universally, talking about fire, flames, glory, the sky, heaven, dragons, battle, swords, and allusions to buttsecks. This copypasta should explain some of it. Below, some examples are included for your enjoyment. [That was special.] [Rules of Power Metal] 0 You have one goal: be epic. Let no sound be lonely. If there’s a guitar solo, harmonize it. If there’s singing, make it a choir. Keyboards offer a way to add thousands of different textures to a song. Find two of those that you like and use them on every song you write. On second thoughts fuck your shitty little keyboard. USE A FUCKING MASSIVE ORGAN WITH EVERY STOP PULLED OUT AS FAR AS IT WILL GO! In a power metal world, everything steel is good, and anything good must be compared to steel. You are not bound to sing about Satan, evil, and/or darkness. You are bound to sing about dragons, freedom, and/or power metal. Remember how no sound should be alone? Same goes for albums. Everything can have a sequel! You are allowed to be blonde. Swords enhance your credibility and your performance. Be sure to carry one regardless of whether or not you know anything about using one. Pick a theme and stick to it. Manowar are warriors of true metal, and they don’t get to sing about anything else. Rhapsody has their Algalord chronicles. Hammerfall has their steel, hammers, and templar. Running Wild has pirates. Iron Savior has sci-fi. Edguy has the gays. Blind Guardian has Tolkien. None of them are allowed to sing about anything else. If you have to sing about something else, put together a side project to do it. Avantasia is the perfect model. Ballads are permissible. That doesn’t mean your ballads can suck. The longer a song is, the more epic it is. See rule #1. More solos means more epic. If at all possible, be Michael Kiske. If this is not possible, pretend to be Michael Kiske. Your album cover should include at least one of the following: fire, steel, weird glowing magical items, irregularly muscular men, fists thrust into the air, weaponry, magic creatures (preferably dragons), or bright beams of light around somebody/something. ‘Grim’ and ‘necro’ don’t apply here; they just make you look silly. Now go back to singing your 20 minute epic about dragonslaying! Power metal depends on power chords. 16th notes are the only notes. Unless you’re singing, in which case you are not permitted to hold a note for any less than 2 bars. Keyboards get solos, too. If you can’t be Michael Kiske, you can at least be Timo Tolkki. Actually, don’t be Timo Tolkki. In case you didn’t know, “symphonic” is synonymous with “epic.” See rule #1. Just because 300 bands before you have already done “epic,” there’s always room for more. Songs come in two tempos: metal and ballad. You are officially the only group of people who can refer to themselves as ‘mighty’ without being laughed at. Much. Audiences need to be able to sing along. Make it catchy. Sing in English, even though your fan-base will be comprised entirely of Brazilians, Germans, Japanese, Swedes, and Finns. See rule #30: if it’s not catchy, it’s harder to sing in a language that is not your first. Play in as many bands as possible. More side projects and guest appearances means more epic! Tight. Pants. You don’t have to detune your guitars. Though you probably should drop them a half-step. Unfortunately, you need at least two guitar players. How else are you going to have dueling guitar solos? Keyboards may substitute for one guitar player, as long as they can solo. Fortunately, you don’t need a bass player! Or at least, you never have to use the same bassist twice. Begin all songs with one big swelling chord on the keyboard. Acoustic guitars are allowed. Sometimes. It’s not a tour, it’s a crusade! Layer your vocals, hundreds upon hundreds of times. Don’t worry about them live. Never use mundane words in your lyrics. Nothing is epic if you don’t use words like “majesty,” “glorious,” “magical,” and so on. Wizards! You need wizards! Although your costume does not require corpse paint, it will require a cape, lots of jewelry, and the aforementioned swords. Unless you are Manowar, in which case you are too metal for clothing. Come to think of it, don’t be Manowar. Wear armor if at all possible. Hammerfall can give you an idea of the variety of acceptable armors, ranging from leather to ring-mail. Songs don’t begin at full speed. Gradually work your way into an epic frenzy. Hail true metal! Acoustic guitars are for intros and bridges. Then crush them with steel. Epic. Tight. Pants. Higher vocals are epic vocals. Female lead singers are great for this. See Dawn of Destiny for an example. So, male lead singes should sound like female singers. See rule #52. True warriors can tell the difference between albums. Concept albums are totally epic. Nobody will ever see it coming. Liner notes must include pages of backstory, either of your epic saga of conquest over dragons and evil or of your epic battles with alcoholism while recording the album. Drugs aren’t metal. Beer, however, can be served in all kinds of true metal ways. “Flagons of ale.” It’s appropriate to your fantasy-riddled lyrics, and it almost looks like “dragons,” so you score extra points. Since you can’t get away with grunts, growls, and other troll-like noises, you will have to sing. Your accent will show as a consequence. To compensate, sing about killing trolls. Preferably with the swords that you carry onstage. More sequels = more epic. See rule #7. Guest vocalists, guest guitarists, and any special appearances from outside your band will make your sound more epic, even if the track sounds just like all the other songs on the album with an extra solo. Norsk Arysk Blak Metal! Rahhh!!! Begin songs at half-tempo, and then, when listeners least expect it (i.e. at exactly the same time it happens in all your other songs) kick into full speed complete with double-bass and power chords. Bass players: one note. Really fast. But include one enormous crazy-ass bass fill before the chorus, even though the production will bury you so far in the mix that most people won’t realize your band has a bass player. Just because you don’t play black metal doesn’t mean you can’t use Tolkien. Whenever you short of ideas, pick up your Dungeons and Dragons books. You might as well be the first band to sing about owlbears. Never leave Europe. For purposes of rule #73, Japan and colonies of Wapanese may be counted as part of Europe. Oh, and South America was colonized by Europeans, so it can count too. Orchestras make a great addition to your album. Since you can’t afford one, find a new patch on your keyboard. If your live album does not have the crowd singing all the harmony parts for you, you aren’t epic enough to justify a live album. If you are European, use as many archaic English words in your lyrics as you can. Obfuscation is epic! If you are South American, your lyrics should be closer to standard English, though nobody will ever read them. If you are U.S. American, you probably aren’t actually a power metal band. Sing about tanks, or something. If you are Italian, write some lyrics in Latin. Your American fans won’t be able to tell the difference between your Italian lyrics and your Latin ones, but Latin is epic. Remember, shaving is epic, haircuts are not. Entire albums must be recorded in the same key. For that matter, entire careers may also be recorded in the same key. Guitarists, remember: dun da-da dun da-da dun da-da… Make your band logo very angular, but perfectly legible. More than a logo, you need a mascot. He need not be distinguishable from Eddie, but he does need to be on all your album covers. At your first gig, if you feel a “rising force,” do be sure not to get it all over your audience. Record your best songs unplugged, and sell them as an EP. Do not expect anyone to buy the EP. Remember, power metal fans are not gay. They are just comfortable with their masculinity. Sing along. Don’t get caught singing along. Glitter is not epic. Neither is body oil. See rule #47. If you see a black metaller in the woods pretending to be a troll, see rule #9 and rule #63. In your liner notes, thank everybody you toured with, even if they’re Stratovarius. Complain about Stratovarius constantly even though you’ve bought all their albums and listen to them more than anything else in your collection. Power metal must be pure; do not mix it with other metal styles. To repeat: be epic. I ran out of funny things to say way back at rule #52, but any less than 101 rules would so not be epic. Typical hair metal band (in this case, Poison). Try to guess the genders. In the 1980's there was a trend called "hair metal". The bands all had hair that was looked like this. Yes, a genre of music can be defined by its bands' "hairstyles". Unsurprisingly, the genre was gay, with every band member a transvestite. Many useless and untalented bands such as Poison, Ratt, Whitesnake, Mötley Crüe, and Quiet Riot got popular during this time period. The music was played badly and the lyrics were about snorting anything that would create some kind of high. Can't you just feel their passion for music? Luckily the trend faded out quickly. Today, these hair metal "musicians" make crappy TV shows on VH1. Interestingly enough, glam metal bands usually fucked in terms of actual record sales. Judge all symphonic goth metal by this image. ...is some shit I have never heard of. Here is a list of other types of "metal" that are some scenekids meager attempt at being non-conformist by finding some almost-but-not-quite-underground "genre" of music and talking about it to say hey look at me I listen to non mainstream shit music that is good, but you are not cool deep enough to understand. Sludge metal, drone metal, metalcore, melodic death metal, melodic metalcore, thrash metal, nu-metal, doom metal, gothic metal, groove, progressive, alternative,vegetarian progressive grindcore, death, rap, speed, comet, cupid....etc There is already a perfectly good article on this, see Black Metal.

How to attain fame in metal

The True Face Of Metal

HAWT

Not gay

1. Maintain your virginity intact.
2. Have a desire to "Stick it to The Man".
3. Album name: make it sound like something out of an Americunt fantasy manga.
4. Name your band after a serial killer/murder/faggy made up olde english term thats supposed to sound dark and evil
5. Beat on the bass drum like hell and shit over the snare and cymbals really fast.
6. Strum the same guitar note repetitively.
7. Deny that you're a hippie while growing your hair exactly like one
8. Roar like a Dragon.
9. Not be able to write any sort of melody, but not care because melodies are for fags with actual talent.
10. Fail at actual music
11. Believe that every day is October 31st
12. Be liked by absolutely no one
13. Sell your soul to the devil
14. Possess a misplaced sense of importance
15. Become society's bitch
16. Be tone-deaf
17. Live in your parents' basement
18. Make you and your band members all get the same fucking sleeve tattoos
19. Have no shame in trying ridiculously hard to look and sound like your idols who try to look and sound like their idols who try to fucking look like and sound like THEIR idols
20. Be from Sweden

Metal fans

Typical heavy metal fan.

A metalhead's first kiss comes around 30 years of age in average.

This is how cool you look.

Dragonforce fan getting butthurt.

Metal fans start off as spoiled upper-middle class teens who, for being

The father of all Metal.

mildly autistic and holding their rich dads cock too tight for too long, never managed to develop any social skills or sense of humor above that of a boy who’ve just reached puberty. Generally they start out wanting to be punk rock fags, but get rejected because they are too fat. In frustration over their life being a complete failure, they join up on the internet with equally pathetic souls in their very special teenage rebellion trend exclusive for IRL bottom-feeders: Downloading (1 metal and (2 south park episodes, shape all their views according to these then cry and masturbate each other how PC the rest of the world is, which effectively fulfills all the pubertal asspie desires of angsty rich kids.

The way to be an TRUE METALHEAD!!! Is to be a nonconformist. All you need to do to be one of the nonconformists is to wear the same clothes, listen to the same music, have the same hair, have the same opinions and act like all the other metalheads.

Most metalheads shit themselves when someone stereotypes metal as "all Satanic" or "all screaming". After yelling at you for a few hours for sterotyping metal, they end their rant with, "At least metal is better than rap, all rappers are like, 'WAT UP NIGGAH! CHECK OUT MAH TEEF YO, I FUCK BITCHES AND HOES AND CUM IN THEIR THROATS." which is totally not stereotyping(But is true anyways, as niggers ALWAYS type their stereotypes and embody them as much as possible).

The majority of metal fans listen to metal and only metal. They will claim to listen to jazz and classical music also which both are actually in some metal. In reality they will probably own a couple of MP3s of Miles Davis or Holst, to which they listen to only after smoking profuse amounts of pot. They only claim to listen to these styles of music in order to give their tastes some kind of validity, as many would say their favorite genre is some of the worst fuck ever shat out of mankind's ass. The distinguished metal listener listens to a wide variety of skilled musicianship, abstract genres, and is dedicated to becoming a skilled musician.

Oh, but there are a few troubled souls that never grow out of this cool fad, These champions and goal achievers so often end up working at some shit job and coming home to a fat "girlfriend". In conclusion metalheads who don't GROW THE FUCK UP end up being losers and fail at life.

What they achieve

Worst guitar solo ever!

Gaahl from Wardruna and Gorgoroth talks about being gay

The pierced nipple, well-conditioned hair, and air humping seen here serve as a metaphor for the singer's primal, uber-hetero urges

You can spot a metal fan in a crowd too!

Black metal! Get it? Oh God where am I going with this ...

Best Metal Performance 1989.

Why Manowar 'loving' fags worship them.(Manowar fans probably fap off to this pic daily)

Trolling "True Metalheads"

Everyone else can, so why don't you do it too!?

• A) Long hair
• B) Fuzzy eyebrows so huge that you could hide a shit worth of fuck in there
• C) Usually an Iron Maiden, Judas Priest, Black Sabbath, or some other shitty band T-shirt no one cares about.
• D) Ugly
• E) Would either get raped in prison for being wiry and girly from the back, or, if of the large-and-burly physique, be doing the raping.
• F) Randomly burst out in a "death" or "black" "growl" or "scream" when excited; just in case a passerby might mistake their giddy behavior for being ADHD and/or that of a 12 year old girl emo.
• G) Homosexual which many of them are
• H) All of the above

If you see any of these qualities in the person, proceed to IRL troll them using the following methods.

Ways to troll metal-heads IRL

	“	Okay, so Judas Priest fans are buying heavy metal records, listening to the records, and then blowing their heads off with shotguns? Where's the problem?	„
	—Bill Hicks

He hates religion! Hardcore!

Alice in chains, clearly the heaviest not metal band of all time.

• Tell them that metal is emo.
• Tell them that you're happy Chuck Schuldiner/Cliff Burton/Ronnie James Dio/Randy Rhoads/whoever died, and reap the benefits.
• Mention any christian/white/unblack metal band.
• Vikings practiced homosexuality works perfectly among Western/Eastern European heavy metal fans.
• Say that Deathcore is considered metal.
• Say the first metal song was written in a gay bar
• 'Casually' mention that Iron Maiden are the shittiest band of all time (SRSLY, 'metalheads' go fucking crazy when this happens)
• Mention how you always confuse Ozzy Osbourne and Donnie Osmond.
• Mention any screamo band.
• Refer to thrash metal as "trash metal".
• Make fun of Jason Becker.
• Ask what their opinion on Grunge is. If they say it is metal, say that they pulled most of their influences from Punk and Alternative music, and some had set out to destroy (successfully) the Pop Metal of the day. If they say it is not metal, ask them about Soundgarden, Alice in Chains and Tad. Bonus if Jesus Christ Pose by Soundgarden is brought out.
• Tell them to bathe and cut their hair (try this over the Internet, as just listening to their screaming after this is a real fuck too much for any normal person.)(also, don't try this with nu-metalers, or Alternative metal heads, as they are most likely bald.)
• Say Yngwie Malmsteen was a shoddy guitar player.
• Make fun of Immortal.
• Complain about goths and imply that they are one.
• Make the peace sign with your hands instead of the metal horns at concerts (only for professional runners).
• Accuse Slayer of stealing its name from that Buffy show (even though the Disney film they did steal their name from (Dragonslayer) is actually more embarassing).
• Remind them that Metallica lost a Grammy to Jethro Tull for Best Metal Performance.
• Tell them that all the black metal players stole their look from KISS, Arthur Brown and Alice Cooper.
• Compliment their favorite band and agree with everything they say. Just WATCH their facial expressions.
• 2 words: Limp Bizkit.
• Ask why metal can't be more intelligent and thoughtful like Isis or Agalloch.
• Compare every metal song you hear to DragonForce.
• Tell them Cryptopsy's latest effort is their best yet.
• Say that the majority of metal songs are just smashing power-chords. Then say that all metal bands always use power-chords.
• Tell them "Primus sucks" and see if they get it.
• Tell them that they're not real metalheads (if you're in a metalhead group).
• Say Slipknot is the best metal band evar.
• If they're Slipknot fans, make jokes about Paul Gray.
• Say metalcore is the best.
• Tell them that the Jonas Brothers are better than the bands that they like.
• Show them what the Krautfags think of all this:
• Tell them Necrophagist writes crappy music (say its too slow).
• Tell them that Iron Butterfly was the first metal band.
• Tell them Mike Portnoy chose Avenged Sevenfold over Dream Theater.
• Say that Opeth writes simple music.
• Talk shit about Kerry King.
• Talk shit about Bruce Dickinson.
• Say that System Of A Down are moar metal than Judass Priest
• Tell them that Dimmu Borgir are satanic.
• Say RIP The Rev and that he is the best drummer ever.

Sam Dunn's Metal Family Tree. use for trolling. Go nuts.

Metalheads are well known for trying to be "hardcore" because they love music about gore and killing people and playing guitar the loudest way possible. Look at a Cannibal Corpse album. Notice the woman who has a monster ripping out her vagina. In reality though, they are pretty much pussies and will faint at any sight of blood, carnage and vermin that they claim to love so much.

Examples of a metalhead trolling

666xsacrifice: your such a poser!!1

• carnal666demon: no u!!
  • 666xsacrifice: lol i ttly trolled u
    • Journal has been deleted. If you are carnal666demon, you have a period of 30 days to decide to undelete your journal.

A metalhead's response to somebody saying Queen is better than their shitty generic death metal band.

You're just a wanker who came and disturbed the wrong place! We are punks and metalheads and don't wanna hear your opinion about Vader (Which is a very good polish band). If you don't like death metal then don't listen to it! We don't like Queen and we don't listens to it! So fuck off your little Queen (Queer) lover and go fuck yourself! And I don't think any of your fucked up Queen fans can beat us! We are an underground society which stands strong so fuck you and your Queer crap!

The fucktard himself

Show metalheads this image for lulz

This user did it for the lulz.

Of course, all metal sounds the same. Tell that to a metalhead in order to milk some lulz)

Wikipedia telling the truth about Bullet for my Valentine.

How to troll a metal community in LJ

It's very easy, all you have to do is follow these steps

1. Go and join in a community called metal_mp3.
2. Request or post MP3s of any screamo, hardcore, and nu metal bands.
3. ????
4. Profit!!!11

After trolling some Norwegian motherfucker named necrognosis will come to your house and fuck your wife. Don't have a wife? He'll settle for a beloved pet or any children nearby. Then take all your beer and leave. He isn't expected to be around long; the community's owner, starfall_ will eventually shitcan him for kicking too much ass. This community only accepts wannabe black metal bands such as Cradle of Filth, Dimmu Borgir, and Immortal, as well as folk/viking/pagan metal and fem-fronted metal.

See Also

• Black Metal
• Fucking magnets
• Slipknot
• Anti-Metal Club
• Punk
• Rock
• Guitar
• Elton John
• Sniff Heinkel
• Grunge
• Faggoth
• Metal archives
• Criss Angel
• Defense Industries Organization
• God
• Rob Darken
• Alra Galathor

External Links

A Mayhem album cover.

• Christian Metal
• Metal Isn't Real Music Facebook community. N00bs. (many lol-cows)
• Kid's dad called Dimmu Borgir (So many LULZ)
• The people who know their shit
• SO FUCKING METAL!!!
• Encyclopaedia Metallum (sound familiar?)

Metal (music) is part of a series on Music Visit the Music Portal for complete coverage.

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Featured article December 9, 2008
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