Cartoon All-Stars to the Rescue

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Neither does this one.

Cartoon All-Stars to the Rescue truly is the best cartoon ever because it's amazingly gay. It premiered on television in 1990, much to the anticipation of over 9000 children who wanted to see their favorite cartoon characters fight the ultimate foe or just to chill and hang out. What could have been an epic half hour romp was nothing more than a thirty minute public service announcement against drugs.

Jim Davis canceled it because it accidentally featured Garfield. What an ass... or an awesome guy. I can't tell.

The absolute best part of the cartoon is that after the credits it ends with a bunch of retarded kids singing about love and McDonald's and how drugs are bad. After a half-hour of dumb ass cartoon characters stumbling over each others' dicks to stop some little snot from puffing on weed, singing 'tards coming out of nowhere provided the biggest laugh of all time.

Premise

One symptom of drug use is no pulse, body temperature is down to room temp, craving for human flesh and pink puffy eyes. Yes it's all about Michael Jackson

A little cocktease has her piggybank stolen and some cartoon characters set off to investigate. It turns out her teenage brother is the culprit and it's because he *gasp* smokes weed (and eventually, crack.) Wow, a teenager is experimenting with drugs??? Only on TV folks. To make matters worse (or better), the boy's pot smoke is alive and wears a business suit and keeps sliding his smoky dick into the boy's nostrils.

A wide array of republican cartoon characters from all the big '80s cartoons of the time try to stop the guy from doing pretty much what every cool teenager does by traumatizing the shit out of him. Especially Alf, that fuck. After finding out the truth about drugs (that they turn you into a really ugly zombie of course), the guy quits smokin' de herb and lives happily ever after and a little too closely to his sister. Or at least until he gets a girlfriend and those dumb cartoon characters return and proceed to beat the shit out of him for having premarital sex.

This cartoon is preceded by a special message from President Old-Bush, who informs us that drugs and alcohol are bad and that you'll never get anywhere if you use them. As he was being filmed for this show, his son, dubya, was stumbling around Tijuana with a tequila bottle shoved up his ass.

On a related note, here's what the Nostalgia Critic had to say about this historic piece of animated win.

Featured Characters

• Cracked out Winnie the Pooh
• Doped up Ducktales
• Pussy-eatin' Alf
• Garfield
• Dead Muppet Babies (Where else would you hear a babby Miss Piggy talk about crack rocks?)
• God damn Alvin and the Chipmunks
• The Fucking Gang-Bangin' Smurfs (Smurfette's cooch is now stretched out beyond belief DISREGARD THAT SHE WASN'T IN THE CARTOON)
• Your mom
• Slimer from The real Motha-fuckin' Ghostbusters. Not the Ghostbusters themselves, just their stupid comic relief.
• The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, now with Salmonella action!

Related Arcticles

• Weed
• Drugs
• Alcohol
• Zombies

Testimonials

	“	This scared the shit out of me	„
	—loldongs

	“	Oh, man. We threw some wild coke parties during the making of this thing.	„
	—The director

	“	My greatest work, and the one that cost me my marriage.	„
	—Garfield

External Links

• Now if only they'd reintroduce prayer into our public schools.
• Full Half-Hour TV Special, brought to you by McDonald's and scary retarded kids
• Edited full episode
• Unedited episode part 1
• Unedited episode part 2
• Unedited episode part 3
• Unedited episode part 4
• Cartoon all stars to the rescue gets it's shit ruined.

Cartoon All-Stars to the Rescue is part of a series on Television Visit the Television Portal for complete coverage.