Wolfenstein

Wolfenstein 3d

Wolfenstein 3d is a first person shooter that was inspired by Halo and released At least 100 years ago, It was developed by Id software and published by Apogee.

The story's protagonist is B.J. Blazkowicz (more like B.J. Blowsadick amirite?) who has been kidnapped by Nazi footsoldiers and must fight his way through two different types of Nazi guards and some dogs that are always a complete fucking waste of ammo.

In the beginning there was crap

When the game was first published there were no other first person shooters, in fact Wolfenstein 3d wasn't only the very first first person shooter but also the first WWII first person shooter. Now, almost twenty years later, as a tribute to Wolfenstein 3d, every game published is a first person shooter based on WWII and is absolutely boring uninspired shit. But back then running around shooting people like you are actually there felt better than eating a jelly doughnut while hooked up to a morphine drip at the same time as getting sucked off by your mom.

In the shareware version (Or first episode) your goal is to escape from castle Wolfenstein, which means running around aimlessly killin gnatsies with all four of your different kinds of guns until you run out of ammo and start killin gnatsies with your knife. You do this until you find an elevator, this will bring you to the next level. There were no switches, no pits, about 8 different textures, a couple of different objects and two different kinds of guards.

Eventually you escape castle Wolfenstein after killing the main boss (Some really big Nazi with akimbo Chainguns) and the final scene shows B.J. walking to freedom with two French hookers under his arms drinking some high end liquor he looted from some burned out German villa, you know WWII stuff.

In this game, we're gonna be doin' one thing and one thing only...

Wolfenstein 3d, the movie

There are other episodes that try to play it off like every level doesn't look exactly the fucking same and you find out there are really four different kinds of guards. Eventually you run into Hitler who is wearing a giant mechanical suit with dual mounted chainguns and an automatic methamphetamine dispenser that is hooked up to his veins. Historians believe he used the mecha-hitler suit to strike fear into the hearts of Jews as he marched across central Europe strafing the war-torn ghettos which were set aside for subhumans.

I'm in ur base, gassing ur jooz

After hitting Mecha-Hitler with over 9000 bullets Hitler abandons the suit, and comes at you with, what else, chainguns in each arm. Then it is up to the player to convince him that everything he did was bad, causing him so much troll's remorse that he kills himself and Eva Braun (who had been in the kitchen the entire time, making the Fuhrer's sandwich.) His final words are "I did it for the lulz." which sounded pretty badass on a brand new Soundblaster 16. You can tell that jews made the game, because Hitler dies in the most brutal way ever - I don't think a chaingun can turn someone into a pile of guts saving for their head.

Wolfenstein 3d also had a stand alone expansion entitled Spear of Destiny which boasted five different types of monsters. The story behind it is a plot in which the Nazis plan to use religious relics to create a superweapon, which is a fresh and original story that I have never seen anywhere else before.

Reception

When Wolfenstein 3d was released in 1992, it's reception was very good. Many elementary school kids who had played the game began making preparations for the invevitable killing spree they were going to partake in, just as soon as their balls dropped. They began throwing out their old 80's metal, and began looking for stranger, more shocking metal that, instead of making their parents worry if they were mentally stable, also made them worry they might be gay.

Unfortunately, only a few hours after the game was released, California passed a law stating that Nazis are people too, thus stealing the game of any gullible fucktards as a market. This, of course, had a crushing effect on initial sells; thankfully though, Corrie Ten Boom led an assault against the white house. As a result Operation: Desert Storm began; this, of course, only improved the game's appeal, as killing Arabs is almost as fun as killing Nazis.

So despite the tyranny of Liberal gun-haters, Id (Latin for "Idunno") staff now enjoys drinking vodka out of old lightbulbs simply because they can.

Crappy ports, shitty clones

The game was ported to every other console and OS ever conceived since its introduction to dos, as part of Id's masterplan to subvert the minds of young children and create spree killers around the world. Some time in the early 21st century it was ported to Skynet, which historians believe to be the true catalyst to Judgement Day.

Id software is most notable for making terrible games after developing the most sophisticated engines for them, then selling the game engines. Wolfenstein 3d was no exception, as its engine was used to create timeless classics such as Super 3d Noah's Ark, Rise of the Triad, and Blake Stone.

Super 3d Noah's Ark, believed to be the first game to draw the attention of the furry fandom.

Blake Stone was actually advertised as being "Better than Wolfenstein 3d and almost as good as Doom." Thereby publicly advertising the epicness of its fail.

The Mod Community

Example of a quality wolfenstein total conversion, note the tree line.

The Wolfenstein 3D mod community probably one of the most laughable modding communities in existence and features some of the most god awful looking mods ever created for a game. Most of the graphic replacements created from scratch look like they were drawn by a 6 year old in MS Paint. Ripped resources are often used with little or no thought as to how they fit in with the map themes, and the maps themselves are generally shit.

The ballad of the EoD engine

Somewhere around in 2004, an unofficial Wolfenstein 3D sequel was released by two guys named AReyeP and MCS, which - compared to the other thousand shitmountain mods - was actually decent and had a lot of nice features. It was eventually named Spear: End of Destiny, and became a huge success, as the shit-biscuits at ID software were too damn lazy to churn out a decent sequel for Wolfenstein, instead, they are creating shitty prequels involving ghosts, martians, growing a shitmountain out of a turdpile. As you can expect, everyone was in ecstasy about End of Destiny, AReyeP and MCS could happily fap after every mail with "OMG great game!" in their subjects. In fact, they were soooooo damn happy about their improvement, they decided to release an editor's version of this EoD engine called - well, End of Destiny - Editor's version.

And YES. Somewhere, something went terribly wrong...

Being a complete and utter assholes that they are, AReyeP and MCS took the EoD engine, urinated on it, whacked it against the nearest wall, urinated on it some more, and released it to the public. While the original End of Destiny was actually decent and enjoyable, the Editor's Version became the biggest pile of turd in the known universe - it has millions of bugs, crashes all the time, and hovering on the edge of being completely unusable. And, to reach an even greater level being fucktarded douchebags, after they released this pitiful excuse for a game engine, they provided zero technical support with it - meaning that it does not matter how many mails you send them about how shitty this Editor's version is, they will NEVER EVER reply. In fact, it's clear that they don't give a fuck about anyone else than themselves, they did not even retracted the faulty download, and quickly "went absent" from the Wolfenstein modding community, so they could spend all their time furiously fapping on e-mails with the likes of subject "OMFG editors version crash" and "you both are the biggest fucklings in da history of mankind", which gives the impression that both AReyeP and MCS are fucking faggots with a great deal of self-importance, and clearly, their biggest joy in life is to piss everyone off with their horrendously shitty piece of work, rubbing their semen-stained palms with a grin on their face about how "famous" they became.

Finally, a community member had the balls to clean up the mess AReyeP and MCS made, and put together something which actually works without crashing in every second minute, and thus, an SDL-version of the EoD engine was born, with fully operational Windows support (yes, even the humankind catastrophe called Windows 8!). Save for still having some minor bugs here and there, the SDL version of the EoD engine was finally something which worths downloading...no thanks to the original authors.

Return to Castle Wolfenstein

In 2001, 9 years after Wolfenstein 3d's release Id software realized they were completely out of ideas. They had published Quake 3 Arena a year or so prior to which fans said "WTF is this shit?" It was time to get back to basics. Apogee wasn't involved in this release however, they were too busy creating Duke Nukem Forever an awesome game that I'm sure will blow all the other FPS out of the water. vaporware.

Since Id had learned that they sucked at making multiplayer games(ironic, since they practically invented them), they handed the Multiplayer side over to Nerve Software.

Single Player

The single player side of the game follows B.J. Blazkowicz through a series of missions wherein he kills Nazis, Nazi women, Nazi supermen, Nazi zombies, and Nazi mutants, all in order to stop them from using some artifact in order to create a super weapon.(It never gets old).

A typical opponent in RTCW.

Multiplayer

The multiplayer game was something of a cross between Quake 3 Arena and Team Fortress, except the character classes actually had specific roles. The object of the game was to spam airstrikes on your teammates until you were autobanned from the server, or if friendly fire was off it was to block up one of the key exits to your spawn points and listen to your teammates use the voice chat messages telling you to "schnell."

Another way to achieve victory was to make a .cfg file that spammed animated colored name macros and use it on servers that didn't watch for flooding. Or to play as a soldier with either a panzerfaust or flamethrower and see how well you could avoid your teammates while they had the three second spawn invincibility, before burning them alive or blowing them to hell.

You could also break walls and capture flags and things.

There were 3 modes :

• SW

In this mode both teams fail to complete the objective in the time allowed, until everyone joins the Axis and mops the floor with all the nubs in the server.

• CP

In this mode the teams try to bait each other, saying the mods are asleep and such, the team that isn't banned at the end of the time limit is declared the winner.

• OBJ

This is just the regular game mode, in this mode all the previously mentioned conditions for victory apply.

There also 4 classes :

• Medic

The Medic's job was to run out ahead of everyone else and unload his only clip of ammo into the first enemy he sees, then run away while dropping health packs on himself and firing his pistol at any other enemies he might encounter.

• Engineer

The engineer was tasked with throwing grenades at everything, everywhere. Before he turned a corner or walked through a corridor it was his duty to short fuse and throw a grenade.

• Lieutenant(Loytenant)

The Lieutenant had to make sure to drop ammo all over the spawn point after his entire team had left, he would then proceed behind everyone else and throw smoke for an air strike at a random location.

• Soldier

The Soldier was assigned the duty of spamming the "I need ammo" voice chat message as rapidly as he could, he was also responsible for making sure that the Lieutenant closest to the front line drop what he is doing and give him ammo.

Reception

For about two months reception was good, and the servers were all abuzz with fresh meat, and seasoned Q3A veterans all trying to establish dominance. Clans were formed, online tournaments were held, and then like every other id game it turned into a great big hassle of people playing bad user maps that you didn't have and couldn't d/l from servers, and mods that sucked that you didn't have and couldn't download from servers, eventually Enemy Territory was released, but it was such a pile of shit most players just said fuck it and went back to playing CS.

Wolfenstein (The new one)

Because nobody has ever done anything like this before, id software decided to make a sequel to Wolfenstein that would introduce the classic first person shooter to the modern genre. This time, our dashing and ever so heroic americunt hero BJ Blazkowicz stumbles across some weird amulet thing while blowing up a nazi aircraft carrier thing for shits and giggles and is later sent to France to investigate some weird nazi paranormal shit or something like that. While he's there, he runs into some researcher kid who explains that the amulet allows him to temporaly translocatify himself to some kind of alternative dimension where he moves faster than all the enemies and can see things that he's not supposed to see. In reality though, all it does is give you bullet time, highlight enemy weak points, point out secrets, and add some cheap gimmicky special effects.

The game is actually nothing more than a shittier and considerably easier version of Call of Duty with the occasional super natural enemy thrown in to remind you that this is actually a wolfenstein game that totally adds new and original features that you will never find in another game, such as enemies that need to be killed by shooting them in their weak spots.

It is literally impossible to die in this game as the difficulty has been toned down so that even a 2 year old can play it. With the exception of a few boss enemies, every enemy you face is completely harmless. The standard nazis chuck grenades at you constantly but you can pretty much just cram all the grenades they toss at you up your ass and still be fine. In order to remind you that you're playing a Wolfenstein game, they added several characters from the previous game including Hans and... well that's pretty much it. Also he doesn't look anything like he did in Wolfenstein 3D. Just about every person who's retarded enough to buy the game will be able to beat in about 30 minutes and then move on to multiplayer. Except nobody plays multiplayer because the game fucking sucks.

See Also

• Quake
• Doom
• FPS
• Team Fortress 2
• Griefing