Chris Kluwe

Totally straight

Chris Kluwe, Christopher J Kluwe, or Loate is a former handegg punter, who got fired for being too old to kick the ball, despite him claiming it was because he supported the gays, and who is now living out his retirement by neglecting his wife and child by being a white knight on twitter and by perusing twitch.tv to find a stream of a female let's players, that he can flex his fat gut at, in hopes of getting a private session.

Career end

Kluwe is an an old, overpaid, washed-up has-been with a knee injury. He used to play for the Vikings until they kicked his ass out for wanting more money for a shittier performance every year. After being shit-canned, Kluwe threw a tantrum, claiming he is being fired for being a faggot-loving SJW, despite the fact everyone knows hand egg players all fuck each other in the shower room while real men play rugby.

“The record fails does not support the claim that the Vikings released Kluwe because of his activism on behalf of same-sex marriage, but instead because of his declining punting performance in 2012 and potentially because of the distraction caused by Kluwe's activism as opposed to the substance of such…The objective evidence, in addition to the subjective evaluation of coaches, special teams staff members and external evaluators, simply contradict Kluwe's view of his performance in 2012. No interviewed witness agreed that Kluwe had a good year in 2012… There is also the issue of Kluwe's age (31) and salary ($1.3 million) in 2012 and slated salary of $1.4 million in 2013. Several coaching staff members noted that Kluwe's age, previous knee injury and leg strength showed a punter in decline. Also, the Vikings were able to sign drafted punter (Jeff) Locke for $405,000, less than one third of Kluwe's scheduled 2013 salary…In grading Kluwe, (Angelo and Hentrich) considered criteria, including but not limited to: (1) get-off time; (2) gross punting average; (3) net punting average; (4) hang time; (5) directional punting; and (6) pooch punting…Angelo said that if he held the title of General Manager for the Minnesota Vikings for the 2012 season, he would have “in all likelihood” released Chris Kluwe as the Vikings punter.”

Since his unceremonious termination, Chris has receded into the usual mental state of over-the-hill athletes that realize their best years are already behind them at the age of 28, and went into a deep state of denial and perpetual internet meltdown that lets everyone watch his rapid physical and mental deterioration as a result of prolonged steroid abuse and multiple, sports-related head injuries.

Tries to get revenge by admitting he covered up a rape

Chris is the most uninteresting man in the world

Be it due to roid rage or regular tard rage, Kluwe decided to join Arthut Chu in the ranks of SJWs who defend women by covering up rapes, and decided to tell everyone about it in a Twitter rant, in a sad attempt to get revenge on the team for firing him. Chris explained how two of his viking friends were caught fucking an underage girl. However, this quickly backfired on Kluwe when everyone asked why he didn't report it to the police.

The reason Chris didn't call the cops is because he obviously was one of the two guys

 
Chris still hasn't told the police about this... we wonder why.

Penn State Victim joke

But this wasn't the only incident where Chris got to show everyone how "progressive" he is. There was also the time he was caught making homophobic jokes about rape. Yes, despite constantly bragging about his support of faggots getting married, your champion liked to cut a hole in his pants and walk around the team's locker room making fun of Penn State rape victims. When confronted with this, Kluwe responded his entire team was making rape a child molestation jokes for over a month.

Racism

GET READY TO GET RAPED

Homophobia and rape jokes aren't enough for Chris, so after being wiped by pornstar Mercedes Carrera in a debate, all Chris had left was to return to his habits of blatant racism. So Chris went on Twitter, and called Mercedes a nacho shield, because she is a fat spic, before fleeing to his echo chamber as he blocked Mercedes for pointing out his racism. What a class act.

Other Shit

Books

Beautifully Unique Sparkleponies

A book because Chris couldn't figure out how to use LiveJournal or BlogSpot.

	“	I got this as a gift. I was very disappointed. I was told that Kluwe was some sort of thinker and had things worth saying. But it sure didn't turn out that way. ... The most useful thing people can probably get out of the book is a case study in how being "famous" rots the brain. How people who get political visibility and get the media listening to them tend to go off the rails fast. As went Julian Assange, so goes Chris Kluwe. The minute anyone starts listening to the media and politicians about how important they are, doom will follow.	„
	—Joseph "Joseph Godfrey", [[1]]

PRIME: A Genesis series Event Part 1

A book co-written by Andrew Reiner, known for being executive editor of Game Informer and being in Chris' shitty band. I wonder why Chris would be so adamant in attacking GamerGate, just because he is BFF with one of those having to adhere to common journalistic guidelines.

	“	How do I review a debut novel that plagiarizes so many sci-fi stories? I suppose there must be an allowance given to the two "authors"; One a Game Magazine Editor and the other an ex-Punter. Much in the same way we have to give allowance of "artistic expression" to a 4 year old that wants her drawings hung on a refrigerator door. ... I simply can't continue critiquing this nonsense. It's garbage. After reading this book I threw it in the garbage. It's that bad. BUT the worst thing ... the very worst thing about this book, is that these two hacks have deemed it good enough for a series of books. Their next story well underway. That's the horrifying twist ending for this empty tale ... "We're Not Done Yet".	„
	—Tim Smith "Tim", [[2]]

Band

TrippingIcarus is Chris' band. We think it is supposed to be a Nickelback cover band, but they somehow screwed up and became even worse.

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Other Shit

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Gawker shill

See Also

• GamerGate
• old
• Hand egg
• Rapist
• Steroids

External links

•  brother's facebook
•  wife's facebook
•  Sister's facebook
• Dad is, of course, a fucking millionaire... Spoiled rich kid is a racist and SJW? What are the odds?
• The wife's health care clinic (archive)
• complete name of all family members (archive)
• Mom is an anesthesiologist
• His house.
• This is a 30 year old man.. With a supposed wife and child.
• LOL got a C-.
• Number 11 most famous rock in Minneapolis on Reverbnation, what an achievement.