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Closet Furry: Difference between revisions

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{{Moar|Facts}}
[[File:Furry - Denial - By Technicolor Pie.png|right|thumb]]
[[Image:Ffffffuuuuuuuur.jpg|thumb|A day in the life. Of [[you]].]]
[[Image:Ffffffuuuuuuuur.jpg|thumb|A day in the life. Of [[you]].]]
[[Image:penis_aardvark.jpg|thumb|[[User:Blu Aardvark|Common example]] of a closet furry.]]
[[Image:penis_aardvark.jpg|thumb|[[User:Blu Aardvark|Common example]] of a closet furry.]]
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==What is a Closet Furry?==
==What is a Closet Furry?==
[[Image:KrystalPowerIsYours.png|left|90px]]
[[Image:KrystalPowerIsYours.png|left|90px]]
A '''closet furry''' is, quite simply, a furfag who is ashamed — and rightly so — of being a sick [[cunt]]. He'll hide in his dark, fecal-smelling basement, fapping to [[Fchan]] and rolling in his own excrement like a common cur. Chances are that they also [[cut]], and are consequently an [[emo]] faggot contemplating their next anthro [[MCR|Waycest]] fanfic.  They will, when accused of being a furry, with all sincerity [[denial|deny]] their [[bestiality|sexuality]] but will promptly download — and fap to — infamous bestiality videos such as [[Mr. Hands]].
A '''closet furry''' is, quite simply, a furfag who is ashamed — and rightly so — of being a sick [[cunt]]. He'll hide in his dark, fecal-smelling basement, fapping to [[Fchan]] and rolling in his own excrement like a common cur. Chances are that they also [[cut]], and are consequently an [[emo]] faggot contemplating their next anthro [[MCR|Waycest]] fanfic.  They will, when accused of being a furry, with all sincerity [[denial|deny]] their [[bestiality|fetish]] but will promptly download — and fap to — infamous bestiality videos such as [[Mr. Hands]]. Furfags in the closet can also be referred to as Fur Coats, because where else do you keep a fur coat? In the closet.
{{clear}}
{{clear}}


==Common Traits of Closet Furries==
==Common Traits of Closet Furries==
[[Image:Simply ghastly.gif|thumb|Closet furries also include those who [[User:Simply_Ghastly|name their Internet pseudonym after a Pokémon]].]]
[[Image:Simply ghastly.gif|thumb|Closet furries also include those who name their Internet pseudonym after a Pokémon.]]
[[Image:Foxbunny.jpg|thumb|[[Lie|Not furries]].]]
[[Image:Foxbunny.jpg|thumb|[[Lie|Not furries]].]]
If any of these conditions are met, the individual in question is a fucking furfag, and should be [[castrate]]d and skinned alive.
If any of these conditions are met, the individual in question is a fucking furfag, and should be [[castrate]]d and skinned alive.
*If their [[dog]]/[[cat]]/[[plushie]]/[[mudkip]] has an [[asshole]] the size of a small city
*If their [[dog]]/[[cat]]/[[plushie]]/[[mudkip]] has an [[SPH|asshole]] the size of [[Kirk Johnson|KirkJ's]]
*If they have [[WikiFur]] in their browser history
*If they have [[WikiFur]] in their browser history
*If the individual in question has some sort of [[fursuit|unexplainable wardrobe malfunction]]
*If the individual in question has some sort of [[fursuit|unexplainable wardrobe malfunction]]
*If they send you self-contradicting [[MySpace]] messages:
*If they send you self-contradicting [[MySpace]] messages:
[[Image:furry_confession.JPG|center|frame|Another trait of closet furries; [[User:Simply_Ghastly|Simply_Ghastly]] discussing his [[furry|furfaggotry]] with [[Bullshit|a friend]]]]
[[Image:furry_confession.JPG|center|frame|Another trait of closet furries; Simply_Ghastly discussing his [[furry|furfaggotry]] with [[Bullshit|a friend]]]]




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A common fursona ploy is using a cat in their name. There, people can say that they're furries to their [[yiff]]-mate(s), but then claim they're just fans of [[lolcat]]s to others. For example, [[Wikipedia:User:SmokeyTheCat|SmokeyTheCat]] on [[TOW]] is known as the biggest [[furfag]] ever. <s>SmokeyTheCat, however, has no relation at all to [[SchmuckyTheCat]], who is not a furry</s>[[HAHAHA DISREGARD THAT, I SUCK COCKS|DISREGARD THAT I SUCK FURRY COCKS]]
A common fursona ploy is using a cat in their name. There, people can say that they're furries to their [[yiff]]-mate(s), but then claim they're just fans of [[lolcat]]s to others. For example, [[Wikipedia:User:SmokeyTheCat|SmokeyTheCat]] on [[TOW]] is known as the biggest [[furfag]] ever. <s>SmokeyTheCat, however, has no relation at all to [[SchmuckyTheCat]], who is not a furry</s>[[HAHAHA DISREGARD THAT, I SUCK COCKS|DISREGARD THAT I SUCK FURRY COCKS]]


===The Freudian Slip===
===The [[Freudian slip|Freudian Slip]]===
Some closet furries reveal themselves through Freudian slips. [[Blu Aardvark]], for example, had an uncontrollable urge to say his [[fursona]] "aardvark" all the time.
[[Image:There you have it, hes attracted to an animal.JPG|thumb|[[mental illness|When you base your criteria of a mate on a fictionalized animal, you are living vicariously through your fetish]].]]
 
Some closet furries reveal themselves through a [[Freudian slip]]. [[Blu Aardvark]], for example, had an uncontrollable urge to say his [[fursona]] "aardvark" all the time.


==What to do if [[You]] are a Closet Furry==
==What to do if [[You]] are a Closet Furry==
#[[DELETE FUCKING EVERYTHING]]
#[[DELETE FUCKING EVERYTHING]]
#[[DO IT FAGGOT|Kill yourself]]
#[[Furluminati|Kill everybody who knows]].


==Suspected Closet Furries==
==Suspected Closet Furries==
[[Image:How_much_a_furry.jpg|thumb|right|This graph determines if someone with a cat persona is a closet fur.]]
[[Image:How_much_a_furry.jpg|thumb|right|This graph determines if you are a closet cheesefag]]
*[[You]]
*[[You]]
*[[User:Bigblackspook|Bigblackspook]]
*[[User:Another n00b|Another n00b]] — WikiFur editor and one of the more frequent IRC users
*[[Blu Aardvark]] — ''not a furry?''
*[[Blu Aardvark]] — ''not a furry?''
*[[Bronies]] - '''Every. Single. One of them.'''
*[[btard]]s
*[[btard]]s
*[http://gov.idaho.gov Butch Otter]
*[http://gov.idaho.gov Butch Otter]
*[http://dclid.deviantart.com DCLID] - Claims only to like drawing anthro dragons and to dislike furries.
*[[Chris-chan]] — the evidence is there
*[[Chris-chan]] — the evidence is there
* [[User:Another n00b|Another noob]]
*[[Danedinodance]] — ''come on guize, totally not a furry''
*[[Degen]]
*[[Degen]]
*[[Doutaini]] - members fail to accept the [[fact]] that roleplaying magical elemental wolves automatically makes you a furry
*[[Doutaini]] - members fail to accept the [[fact]] that roleplaying magical elemental wolves automatically makes you a furry
*[[GreenRaeper]] — ''officially denies being a furry''
*[[GreenRaeper]] — ''officially denies being a furry''
*[[Meepsheep]] - Hates furry scum
*[[Meepsheep]] — Hates furry scum, but has an animal avatar
*[[Jeremy Bernal]] -- claims to just be doing it to make money as well
*[[Jeremy Bernal]] -- claims to just be doing it to make money as well
*[[Lucky Coyote]] — ''"I'm just doing this to make money! I'm not a furry at all!"''
*[[Lucky Coyote]] — ''"I'm just doing this to make money! I'm not a furry at all!"''
*[[Marukomuru]]
*[[User:Meowy|Meowy]]
*[[User:Miltopia|Miltopia]]
*[[User:Miltopia|Miltopia]]
*[[Metal Gear Solid|Otacon]] — ''We really know the [[weaboo|otaku]] obsession is just a mask at his closed furfagness''
*[[Metal Gear Solid|Otacon]] — ''We really know the [[weaboo|otaku]] obsession is just a mask at his closed furfagness''
*[[Patachu]]
*[[Patachu]]
*[[User:RoyalShitbrick|RoyalShitbrick]]
*[[Sheneequa]] — <s>''idling in [[wikiFur]] [[irc]]''</s> Confirmed, Sheneequa doesn't want you to know that he (Matt Wolf Binder) is actually [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/User:Redwolf24 Redwolf24].
*[[Sheneequa]] — ''idling in [[wikiFur]] [[irc]]''
*[[User:Simply_Ghastly|Simply_Ghastly]] — ''is most definitely NOT a furry; he only draws furotica and [[LOL WUT|faps to it in a NON-SEXUAL MANNER]]''
*[[SpleeNfat]] — ''In spite of claiming his opposition to be furfags, he's also defended his own furfag friends''
*[[SpleeNfat]] — ''In spite of claiming his opposition to be furfags, he's also defended his own furfag friends''


Latest revision as of 19:43, 16 January 2015

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You can help by adding moar Facts.
A day in the life. Of you.
Common example of a closet furry.

For some sick reason, furries generally accept their perverted urges to fuck 40 year old basement dwellers in fox suits; that's an accepted fact. But what do you get when the furry in question doesn't want his acne-afflicted faggot D&D playing friends to know?

What is a Closet Furry?

A closet furry is, quite simply, a furfag who is ashamed — and rightly so — of being a sick cunt. He'll hide in his dark, fecal-smelling basement, fapping to Fchan and rolling in his own excrement like a common cur. Chances are that they also cut, and are consequently an emo faggot contemplating their next anthro Waycest fanfic. They will, when accused of being a furry, with all sincerity deny their fetish but will promptly download — and fap to — infamous bestiality videos such as Mr. Hands. Furfags in the closet can also be referred to as Fur Coats, because where else do you keep a fur coat? In the closet.

Common Traits of Closet Furries

Closet furries also include those who name their Internet pseudonym after a Pokémon.
Not furries.

If any of these conditions are met, the individual in question is a fucking furfag, and should be castrated and skinned alive.

Another trait of closet furries; Simply_Ghastly discussing his furfaggotry with a friend


The Cat Excuse

A common fursona ploy is using a cat in their name. There, people can say that they're furries to their yiff-mate(s), but then claim they're just fans of lolcats to others. For example, SmokeyTheCat on TOW is known as the biggest furfag ever. SmokeyTheCat, however, has no relation at all to SchmuckyTheCat, who is not a furryDISREGARD THAT I SUCK FURRY COCKS

The Freudian Slip

When you base your criteria of a mate on a fictionalized animal, you are living vicariously through your fetish.

Some closet furries reveal themselves through a Freudian slip. Blu Aardvark, for example, had an uncontrollable urge to say his fursona "aardvark" all the time.

What to do if You are a Closet Furry

  1. DELETE FUCKING EVERYTHING
  2. Kill everybody who knows.

Suspected Closet Furries

This graph determines if you are a closet cheesefag
  • You
  • Another n00b — WikiFur editor and one of the more frequent IRC users
  • Blu Aardvark — not a furry?
  • Bronies - Every. Single. One of them.
  • btards
  • Butch Otter
  • DCLID - Claims only to like drawing anthro dragons and to dislike furries.
  • Chris-chan — the evidence is there
  • Degen
  • Doutaini - members fail to accept the fact that roleplaying magical elemental wolves automatically makes you a furry
  • GreenRaeper — officially denies being a furry
  • Meepsheep — Hates furry scum, but has an animal avatar
  • Jeremy Bernal -- claims to just be doing it to make money as well
  • Lucky Coyote — "I'm just doing this to make money! I'm not a furry at all!"
  • Miltopia
  • Otacon — We really know the otaku obsession is just a mask at his closed furfagness
  • Patachu
  • Sheneequa — idling in wikiFur irc Confirmed, Sheneequa doesn't want you to know that he (Matt Wolf Binder) is actually Redwolf24.
  • SpleeNfat — In spite of claiming his opposition to be furfags, he's also defended his own furfag friends

Closet Furry is part of a series on

Furfaggotry

Visit the Furfaggotry Portal for complete coverage.

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