Handegg

The ultimate difference between the two sports.

Typical butthurt response from an American /sp/artan.

Typical gameplay in handegg: two gayniggers fagging up the field. Faux Sports pundits always highlight such scenes and wax poetically like no tomorrow.

A typical Handegg all-star.

Not to be confused with Soccer.

	“	Egghands and Baseball were invented so the American "athlete" would only run 10-30 seconds every couple of minutes or not at all. And every time a team loses possession of the ball they take a short break and have a snack. Fucking Americans creating sports where they can still be fat and lazy.	„
	—Accurate analysis

Handegg (also known as Gridiron Football, or Rugby With Pads), is a homosexual pastime enjoyed mostly by Americunts because of cultural obligation for having stolen it from the mutually hated British. Since Americunts are fat (thus needing a break every 5 seconds), stupid (need to be told what to do every play), and generally unskilled, Handegg was tailored for them. With its use of tights, helmets, body armor, under eye make up, fanny packs, and the QB Snap routine (where the team's captain mounts his man's asshole every down) it is the primary recruiting technique for young new faggots and Army members as it is a required part of most young men's high school education. The objective of the game is to protect your team's egg so it doesn't get cracked and get it back to the nest. To Americunts, the game the rest of the world calls "football" is to them called "soccer". This makes no sense, as soccer is clearly played with feet, and yet their bastardization of a real man's sport like Rugby seems to involve little-to-no kicking whatsoever. This particular misnomer only serves to further the entirely accurate allegation that the average Americunt IQ is even smaller than Asia's entire average penis size.

Rules of the Game

The game is a bizarre sport with an appropriately strange and obtuse set of rules and positions. Some of them include:

• In Handegg, each team consists of one fast guy (usually a nigger on parole), 1 guy who can throw the egg (usually white), and a wall of fat fucks whose job is to run at the other team's wall of equally fat fucks.
• Every team has upwards of 50 players on the bench, only one of whom puts his foot on the ball. His position is the kicker, and he is presumably the player the sport uses as an excuse to be called "football". His job is to kick the ball away so the other team can score.
• Everyone gets told what to do after every snap; stop...start...stop...start, and so on to ensure that the game is mind-numbingly boring to play, or watch. This method of gameplay is mandatory as the sport was tailored by Jews who want to jam in as many commercials as they can to entice the viewers into buying fast food, Doritos, fedoras and Mountain Dew. The kikes later pocket the profits while said viewers die of diabeetus due to irresponsible consumerism.

• Most importantly, every player who scores a Touchdown for his team is required to do a celebratory dance, after which he is fined tens of thousands of dollars by the National Handegg League for "excessive celebration".

How America views Handegg

Warning: Not Actually Funny

Handegg vs Soccer

In order to start an argument online between Handeggfags and Soccerfags, all you need to do is simply mention them in the same sentence, for results like this:

	“	JESUS FUCKING CHRIST YOU TURDS I DON'T CARE IF YOU'RE "LULZ TROLLAN XD" OR NOT JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP ABOUT FOOTBALL VS. SOCCER OR HANDEGG VS. FOOTBALL OR WHATEVER YOU FAGGOTS CALL IT. NOBODY GIVES A SHIT ABOUT YOUR DUMB FUCKING OPINIONS, THE FACT OF THE MATTER IS THAT BOTH SPORTS ARE HERE TO STAY AND IF YOU DON'T LIKE THEM WE DON'T GIVE A FUCK, IT'S NOT LIKE YOUR FAVORITE SPORT IS THE PINNACLE OF HUMAN ACHIEVEMENT OR ANYTHING, SO WHO GIVES A SHIT IF SOCCER IS JUST RUNNING AROUND OR FOOTBALL IS JUST BUMPING INTO PEOPLE OR BASEBALL IS JUST STANDING AROUND FOLLOWED BY SPORADIC BURSTS OF RUNNING? YOU /SP/ SHITHEADS ARE LITERALLY THE WORST PEOPLE ON 4CHAN, EVEN IF /B/ WASN'T DOWN THIS PLACE HAS THOSE INBRED MONGOLOIDS BEAT. HAVE YOU FAGGOTS EVER EVEN PLAYED A SPORT? OR IS YOUR "SPORT" JUST TROLLING /SP/ ALL DAY AND JACKING OFF TO PICTURES OF SHAWN JOHNSON? NEWS FLASH NOBODY GIVES A SHIT WHAT YOU THINK ABOUT ANYTHING BECAUSE YOU ARE A WORTHLESS PIECE OF DOG SHIT! FUCKING CHRIST MONKEY BALLS!	„
	—Successful troll is successful.

Gallery

A closer look at Handegg About missing Pics

• 
  A handegg ball properly used. However, the demonstrator has a glorious gaping hole whereas handegg players need an alternative entrance to shove the dildo-shaped ball in.
• 
• 
• 
  No. 28 Thomas Goatse hopes to play for the Rams some day LOL
• 
  Goatse employs an unusual method for snapping the ball

[Collapse GalleryExpand Gallery]

• 
  Totally rape
• 
  Two East High players show how many fingers they got in the frosh's butthole.
• 
  Not always forced.
• 
  You are so damn cute!
• 
  A similar routine at VTech
• 
  East High School team member striking a pose
• 
  Team spirit!
• 
  How Americans see it.
• 
• 
• 
  Typical Handegg
• 
  Coaching Handegg Is Exhausting Work
• 
  Lingerie Bowl - The straight man's handegg.
• 
• 
• 
• 
• 
• 
• 
• 

See Also

• /sp/
• 18-1
• Bob Griese
• DONT MESS WITH FOOTBALL
• Not Gay
• Rax Grissman
• Superbowl XXX
• Touchdown Thurman Thomas
• Manti Te'o
• Chris Kluwe
• Colin Kaepernick

Featured article January 12th and 13th, 2012
Preceded by Sethisto	Handegg	Succeeded by Asperger's Syndrome