Comic book fans

Stan Lee dying a little more inside.

Typical comic book fans

Comic book fags are a major contributor in the elimination of the tree nuisance that plagues the planet. They require a kind of periodical fix for people who have to compulsively spend money every week on useless 21-page pamphlets, that they take home, encase in specially made bags (really), and treat them as if they were as important as normal people treat their new-born children or octogenarian grandparents.

Comic book mania is a form of obsessive compulsive disorder. It is similar to compulsive hand-washing or looking in the mirror for hours on end trying to make your hair grow back. Fortunately, putting oneself under this kind of pressure puts a tremendous strain on the cardiovascular system as well as being an emotional strain, so the lives of most of these morons will be short. Regular, decent people have only to avoid them and ride it out until they die young or disappear amongst the ranks of the homeless and crazy.

Money

As with all things, there are pros to comic book fans...

Comic fans do not have the sense the good Lord gave a retarded, dead mule. Because of the fact that comic books from the 1930's are highly lucrative items, they imagine that all of their comics will be just as valuable someday.

Even though most high schools teach basic economics classes, the concept of "supply and demand" is WAY over the pinheads of these smelly ass-faces, who will not understand, no matter how many times it might be explained to them, that the only reason 80-year old comics are worth anything is that there are only three of them in existence, as opposed to the thousands and thousands of comics produced since, which will never be scarce, because the same douchebags who want them to be rare are ensuring that they will NOT be by packaging them to withstand fires, floods, bombings, and nuclear holocaust.

"Grading"

In order to estimate how much money their worthless books will be worth, they have developed a hideous, tragic classification system: values are based on condition, and range from "poor" to "good" to "fair" to "mint".

This is a way of determining the value of garbage. They go so far as to willingly offer themselves up for further fleecing by sending their garbage away to actual "professional comics graders", filthy masturbators who, for a fee, receive these stapled together pieces of paper/childrens’ books for illiterates, claim to “examine” them, laughably assign them a grade based on their condition, and send them back with impressive looking certificates.

You can picture the cringing little faggot with his fat turd girlfriend badgering some pawn broker in a desperate attempt to pay his rent/feed his neglected children: "What do you MEAN you'll give me five dollars for the whole box?!?!?! This box is worth FIVE THOUSAND DOLLARS!!!! THESE ARE CGC GRADED!!!" The house is lost, the girlfriend takes her kids and moves back in with her mom, the kid ends up with restraining orders filed on him, and LULZ ensue!

Technique

The funniest thing you will ever see is a fan holding a comic, carefully balancing it on his fingertips, cringing at the thought acid from his fingertips degrading the covers at the atomic level, and turning the pages as delicately as one might perform ocular surgery. If you slap that comic out of his hand, he will try to scream while gasping, his eyes will tear up, and his asshole will clench so hard you will hear it slam shut like a trashcan lid. He will probably cry like a bitch and try to attack you physically, an attack you will be able to repel with ease, even if you are a four year old girl. He will then proceed to scream like a demented fucktard and rip his eyes out.

Relations

Then again, sometimes worlds collide and they get married to one another.

Why we can't have nice things!

Comics fans hate each other passionately. To this end, they have adopted a term for insulting each other, "fanboy", which has no meaning to anyone in the real world, and doesn't actually have meaning in "comicdom" either. There is no actual set of traits attached to this term. Some use it to insult fans who are obsessed with the continuity of the "stories", while others use it to insult fans who don't pay attention to continuity at all. Some use it to refer to new fans, who don't know what they are talking about, and some use it to refer to older fans, for taking comics too seriously. It is perhaps fitting that this one term is used to describe all comics fans of all tastes, because although they despise one another, they are all the exact same; stupid, fearful, social outcasts with no jobs or meaningless jobs, ugly, unwashed, loud, whiney, and perverted.

This is because Comic book fans are deeply conflicted, but in a boring way. Reading any of their gibberish on any comics blog or message-board will illustrate that in addition to fearing literature, they passionately hate comics, the same thing they devote all of their money and energy to, just as they hate anyone involved in actually producing comics.

This prattling on and on is especially bad in comic book fans as they are a horde of illiterates who embarrass themselves every time they open their mouths. The internets have unfortunately given them a voice, and they mistakenly think that there are people somewhere who want to hear what they have to say, as if they were NOT subhuman, unforgivable shitstains on the underwear of human society.

They cannot actually write or draw on their own, nor do they have the first idea of how the editorial process or the publishing field functions. Still, they howl endlessly all day and all night about comics professionals for whom they develop insane, obsessive hatreds, and whom they badger about how they do their jobs. This is especially ironic when you consider that most of these basement dwellers sit around playing video games, masturbating, and not being employed. Much like furries. They genuinely cannot be pleased, and will say the work of a writer who holds a degree in English, or journalism, or literature, or creative writing, "sucks" as if they were in the least bit qualified to say one word about a written work.

Fangirls

...and then there are these.

Typical comic book fangirls, more common than previously thought, can come in all sorts of ranges. From literate and involved potential artists to drooling yaoi enthusiasts who "ship" the male characters in a given property no matter how improbable the pairing. The average fangirl is against misogyny against females in comics (for example, Wonder Woman originally lost her powers by getting tied up), but prefers humiliation in the bedroom (for example, preferring to be tied up and called dirty names).

Trolling with Comic Book Fans

An enjoyable activity on a rainy day is to cross-post a blog entry about how manga is better than comics written by some weeaboo to a comic book message board, tell them that nothing interesting has come out of the industry for the last 20 years, that it's all fat nerd virgin borderline Rule 34 and Guro washed down fanservice, and watch the shit fly. The comic book fans will be intellectually superior, and the anime experts will have better numbers. lulz ensue. Another fun way to troll comic fans is to tell them that GORDON FAKES TWO-FACE'S DEATH AT THE END OF THE DARK KNIGHT, BATMAN BECOMES GOTHAM'S MOST WANTED, AND RACHEL DAWES TURNS INTO HARLEY QUINN!!! Or just say Watchmen was a bad comic and movie. Or state that Stan Lee has turned to the dark side of Weeaboo Manga writing because he's done making retarded 50 year old mary sue fanfiction (SPOILERS, that's a truth). Or say that they're forever virgin losers because they can't be likeable in the least no matter how they tried. Or tell them that weeaboos have more attention than what they could ever have in their life time (just look at the portals, weeaboo entertainment is at the top; comics haven't even shown anything beneficial to the lulz because of the massive amounts of unfunny they have.)

The 2

Typical CBF transportation.

Contrary to popular belief, there are only two companies that produce comic books for fanboys: DC, which is owned by movie whores Warner Bros., and Marvel, which is owned by family-oriented media behemoth Disney. For a brief time, there were many other companies, such as Image and Dark Horse, but those were run out of business in 1995 (yes, they still exist and are still publishing, but they aren't talked about and these days are pushing out the shittiest of shit, so they might as well be gone).

DC

DC is home to awesome characters like Superman, Batman, and Wonder Woman. They were created because Jew wanted to lash out against the acts of Hitler, and Bob Kane thought it would be great to knock off Zorro and a popular film at the time. DC is known for doing a line-wide event, requiring the purchasing of many books, every 2-3 years known as a 'Crisis', as in a financial one so let's make lots of books to sell so we can be rich for a little while again, okay? DC is mostly known for writers that couldn't write an real book or TV show, such as Grant Morrison, Geoff Johns, and Gail Simone.

DC's lulziest move

DC produced the world's most popular superhero, Superman, back in the 1940's, until a rival company created a much more popular hero, Captain Marvel, who turned into a 13 year old boy when he got bored. DC got mad and sued, and the company shut down, and DC snatched up the character just for the fun of it, and started producing Captain Marvel comics just to get more readers.

Marvel

Marvel is home to heroes with shitty movie adaptions, like 'Ghost Rider', 'X-Men Origins: Wolverine', 2 shitty 'Hulk' movies, and 'Iron Man'. Marvel's original cover gallery in the 40's, when the company was called "Timely", consisted entirely of Hitler getting punched in the nose every month. Marvel, every 5 years, creates new first issues of each existing series, and when the previous volume would reach a "milestone" (such as 500th issue), changes the numbering to reflect that, so gullible fanboys will buy 10 extra copies of newsprint. Marvel, a poorer company than DC, focuses on an epic, money grubbing event every YEAR, all of which end with something that leads into the next event, so no fanboy drops any titles from the company, ever. Also, they produce terrible comics written with even worse dialogue, and charge a dollar more, because it gets them even moar money from fans. Marvel hires real world writers with real jobs to do their books, such as Jeph Loeb, Orson Scott Card, or J. Michael Stracyznski. The downside is these writers can't write their way out of a paperbag, but fans still buy their comics.

Bendis

Marvel's "best" talent is a bald guy named Bendis, who creates nearly their entire catalogue, and writes 20 pages of word balloons such as this:

Spider-Man: 'How do I shot web?'

Wolverine: 'Like this, bub. SNIKT.'

Spider-Man: 'Really?'

Wolverine: 'Really, bub.'

Spider-Man: 'No.'

Wolverine: 'Really. SNIKT.'

Spider-Man: 'No way.'

Wolverine: 'Way, bub. SNIKT.'

Along with 2 pages of fighting. Seriously.

See Also

• Collector
• Nerd
• Geek
• Loser
• Virgin
• Manga
• Neil Gaiman's Sandman

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