Natural Selection game: Difference between revisions

Latest revision as of 13:02, 3 May 2021

This article is ancient history. You can help by reliving the moment.

Natural Selection (NS) is at least 100 years old and is essentially a computer game, although even this point has been contested. It is not, as commonly believed, a Darwinian theory of Evolution . Like all crappy, bugged, and barely play tested mods for the ancient Half Life engine, this game sucks on at least 12 levels. However, an entire community of basement dwellers continue to play this fucking trash and cry at night if they read any negative comments about it on forums / YouTube / etc.

The game inadvertently provided its only contribution of value to anything ever by inspiring the How Do I Shot Web? meme.

How to Win at NS:

Go Aliens (Or "Kharaa" - wtf?)
Play as gorge. (clogging up the slots)
Camp, build nothing, and spam the talk bar.
Use Microphone to transmit shitty Euro trance music faggotry and other satanic evils across the tubes.
Drink Absinthe recklessly.
????
PROFIT!

Alternative Lulz

Go Marines (Or "Frontiersmen" - wtf?)
Rush to Commander chair. Become Commander.
Camp, give no orders, build nothing whatsoever, and spam the talk bar.
Use Microphone to transmit shitty Euro trance music faggotry and other satanic evils across the tubes.
Blaze like a nigra.
????
PROFIT!

Bonus Lulz

Log into any server and then declare that the game sucks and you are going back to Counter Strike.
Witness the wave of butthurt in response.
????
PROFIT!

~~The shittyness that is NS~~ I CAN'T SEE SHIT

History

One day, in the '80s, a retard with no life was born. Eventually that retard learned to read, write, and do mathematics. Within about a decade they could talk.. and soon discovered computer games. These facts are not contested by anyone, including me. Eventually, said basement dwelling retard became old enough to appreciate Half-Life. Not content with simply playing this over hyped piece of trash, our hero decided to ruin every other g@ymers' lives by programming their very own mod.

Initially, NS was a platformer where you played as a random shape trying to collect enough green emeralds to GTFO of the level. It then managed, by a process often referred to by l33t Nazi rocket scientists as Evolution, to become the NS we see today. It became self-aware on Tuesday, 1st of April 2002 at 12:34 PM - I remember, I was awake at the time.

Gameplay

You get to either play as Marines or Aliens. If you go Marines be prepared to spend your valuable online gametime with a bunch of whiny, dumb 13 year-old boys who will all insist on being the commander. They will also spam the talk bar with requests for the shotgun and jetpack even when it is obvious, even for a n00b, that your side is still quite some time from being able to deploy them.

Be prepared for an experience that will have you vomiting your own pancreas. The commander chair will always be occupied by some total dumb ass who can't play the game and has no concept of RTS tactics. They will always send you over 9000 orders in the space of 30 mins, all demanding you defend an area totally out of the way and of no tactical importance whatsoever. They will also always ignore your requests for ammo, weapons upgrades, health, and turrets. Because of this, only n00bs ever request such things.

Playing as Aliens is about as much fun as setting fire to your own hair. For most of the round you will suck and will rely on ambush tactics to kill teh Marines. Oh, and unless you get to play as the gorge (builder class) no lulz are even possible until you reach the higher levels. About all you can do is rush the marines and hope your teeth will down a few. They usually won't.

Protip: Wait until you can evolve to the Onos class, become an Onos, pwn???

Like cancer, this game has some form of community / support group for sufferers. Unlike cancer though, these sufferers won't be dying anytime soon, which means that they will continue to clog up the tubes with their bullshit whore faggotry.

How 99% of games play out

Alien side all rush the marine base as skulks, except for one solo gorge player who is often an AZN.
This one gorge gets mega res points and can build up all 3 hives within a few minutes. Defences are not required since it's so quick and the team is constantly attacking the dumb marine side anyway.
Over 9000 res points are created - then hives are created within minutes.
Aliens roll in Onos classes.
Aliens win.

Facts about NS

Marine players will never follow orders.
Commanders will never issue genuine, thought out, orders.
Marine players will never stop screaming for the shotgun and jetpack. These players do it IRL and have mostly been disowned by their families for freaking them out over this issue.
Alien players are mostly AZN.
It only requires one player to ruin the NS experience for everyone - which is really quite excellent.
Not only are there no girls whatsoever playing NS, no females whatsoever know what it is, or have ever even heard it mentioned (even in passing) anywhere, at any time.
NS 2 will suck, trust me.