Console Wars

Warning! Excessive gaming will give your children giant thumbs.

The Console Wars are an incredibly boring series of skirmishes fought with dubious logic and an endless supply of butthurt waged by poor people. Anyone with a decent income will simply buy all three, plus a kickass gaming computer and laugh as the peasants squabble like Shia and Sunni Muslims.

The Consoles

The X-Box 360

The X-Box (GET IT, BECAUSE IT'S HUEG)

The X-Box 360, also known as the X-BAWWWWWWWX 360, is made by Microsoft and works as well as everything else it's ever made. It is the size of a refrigerator and has a giant glowing green button that's actually a robotic eye that the Illuminati monitors you with. X-Box fanboys are D students who like to blow shit up. X-Box fanboys are normally sad, unwashed losers whose commitment puts Trekkies, Star Wars geeks, D&D Nerds, otaku, cosplaying otaku tards, Wikipedophiles, people on LiveJournal, furries, voraphiles, goons, Scientologists, and you to shame. They form secret societies that conjugate in seedy message boards and discuss ancient occult secrets of which Halo is the coolest. Possibly the only lulz worthy console, due to the fact that you can troll Halo 3 fan boys by telling them that there will be a 9,000th Halo game. Jordan Kane is one of these people. He lives for the X-Box, but sadly, it doesn't live for him, as it is always breaking, making him extremely sad. The XCocks has such kickass games as Gears Of War, Mass Effect, and Fallout 3 (moar liek Queers Of Whore, Ass Effect, and Failout 3, amirite?), which all Ecks Bawks Tree Sickstee fans will fight to the death to defend. The typical Ecks Bawks Fanboy consists of children who do all of the following.

• Play Cock Of Doody, it's the beastiest game ebur with best grafix!!!
• Play Gaylo Reach Same Reason Above ^
• Hate The Aids Station 3 For having shitty graphics and no games.
• Defend the Ecks Bawks Twee Siktsy For everything it's hated for, seriously they believe there's nothing wrong with it AT ALL.
• Hate The Gaytendo Wii For having to move around to play games.
• Hate Every game that isn't Call Of Duty: Modern Whorefail Tew.
• Demand Better Graphics for every game.
• Troll Everyone who doesn't own an Ecks Bawks.
• /b/

The Playstation 3

Playstation 3

Made by Japanese super-men to conquer the world, the Playstation 3, also known as the Gaystation Pee (hee-yuck, hee-yuck) or the AIDS Station, which is also the size of a refrigerator, can also be used as a blender, toaster, cheese grater, bong, and time machine. Playstation fanboys form the community which tends to be populated by people who are full of sad, unwashed losers whose commitment puts Trekkies, Star Wars nerds, D&D Nerds otaku, cosplaying otaku tards, Wikipedophiles, people on LiveJournal, furries, voraphiles furries, goons, Scientologists, wiggers, niggaboo's, Mexicans, and you to shame. They form secret societies that conjugate in seedy message boards and discuss ancient occult secrets of which Final Fantasy is the coolest. The Gaystation 3 has such sweet games as Heavenly Sword, Lair and Resistance: Fall of Man (moar liek Heavenly Shit, TLairible and Reshitstance: Fall of Your Cock, amirite?), which all PS3 fans will fight to the death to defend. It should also be noted that all gaystation fans are retarded niggers, retarded fat white 13 year old boys who think they know what they're talking about, retarded fat asian children, and Chris-chan. if you even breathe one word of how the PS3 sucks, they'll retort with an argument so stupid that you will want 2 shoot ur fucking brains out. (Warning: Avoid PS3 fanboys, as they are possibly some of the stupidest people alive)

The occult broke away from Sony after Final Fantasy XIII became a multi-platform title. Fantards were enraged by this sudden decision to release FFXIII on other consoles. Shortly thereafter the estranged fanbase returned to the Sony fold in order to sit around and scream about Metal Gear Solid ports while fingering their assholes to hentai pictures of Solid Snake.

The Gaystation 3 lowered its msrp from $9,001 to $300. Surprisingly, people bought this garbage. Some argue that the Gaystation 3 is going to take over the market. Those people were soon put to death by firing squad. Playstation 3 Fans can be seen as any of the following.

• Pedophiles
• You
• Niggers
• Laughing at the Ecks Bawks.
• Shitting their pants.
• Being members of the US Air Force.

The Nintendo Wii

Wii did 9/11

Nintendo releases a new crappy system every 25 seconds, and half the time it's just a lunchbox; Enter the Nintendo Wii, otherwise known as the Nintendo Piss. Nintendo executives know this doesn't matter because Nintendo games are as addictive as heroin and Nintendo's fanbase is full of sad, unwashed losers whose commitment puts Trekkies, Star Wars nerds, D&D Nerds otaku, cosplaying otaku, Wikipedophiles, people on LiveJournal, furries, voraphile furries, goons, Scientologists, gooks, wiggers, black persons, spics, John Lennon, and people who write Encyclopedia Dramatica articles to shame. They form secret societies that congugate in seedy message boards and discuss ancient occult secrets and which The Legend of Zelda is the coolest. The Wii has such awesome games as Metroid Prime 3, Super Smash Bros. Brawl, and Zelda: Twilight Princess (moar like Metroid Prime JEW, So Cash Hos BAWWWWWl, and Zelda: Twilight Faggot, amirite?), which all Wii fans will fight to the death to defend. Although Nintendo hasn't had a Original Game Idea since the 1980's.

The Pokémon cult died last year due to poor ratings on newly released Pokémon games, it has returned to what it was originally, training n00bs to become ninjas with Wii-motes and plotting to take down the current leader in the console war.

The PC

The personal computer offers a wide range of technical specifications for a variety of people. At the low end, they have simple web browsing/word processing computers for your grandparents, who only need to use a computer to purchase pornography and post naked pictures, to the high end hardcore gamer who needs a machine that will dim the streetlights and set his carpet ablaze when it is turned on, in order to fill the massive gaping void where his penis should be. The available power of computers massively outstrips that of consoles, especially considering that computer technology gets released every few months, rather than every several years like a console does. A console has somewhere around 512MB of RAM. A good 10000 dollar desktop can have 16GBs of RAM, plus two or even three graphics cards that have 1GB of dedicated RAM. The processor comparison is a little less blunt to make, because this generation of consoles has a complex system of new-fangled microprocessor technology that you are too stupid to understand, but this anecdote should suffice. The performance of a PS3 was found to be comparable to the low-end of an Apple gaming PC released in 2003, and it has 8 processors (1 spare because they fail so often, 1 for the OS, 5 actually being used 1 for anti piracy but failed ), and the XBOX360 has 3 of said chips, so it does not fare any better.

For you ritalin deprived spastics who are incapable of reading the above text, here is an executive summary; computer fast, console slow. But unlike most computers used by your grandmother, games on consoles are more optimized than PCs of the same outdated specs. Making it cheaper for you to buy consoles unless you have Xbox live.

It is especially ridiculous considering how much better computer specifications are, but greedy Jew-developers are enraged by a fact that only a privileged few have the money to run games that require any computer power at all, and gnash their teeth at the thought of clever pirates taking their games away from them. So, they have shifted away funds from PC development in favor of faggoty consoles, and put in ridiculous security measures, even though they could be offering FAR more in the way of graphical technology if they tried to push the envelope of PC graphics.

Videos

As seen by old media

Your typical console nerds.

Video done by a 13-year-old boy about a year ago, along with his faggot brother,
who Ironically, calls the other person a fag at the end of the video.

Previous Video | Next Video

The Corner of Tortured Logic

As the console wars rage on, in between awkward sessions of group masturbation, teenaged boys, quickly realizing that there is no logical argument that favors their chosen system, will molest and rape logic more violently than their fathers raped and molested them. And if you've seen those emergency room photos, boy howdy would you be impressed by that metaphor. Selected for your indignation, are some of the finer gems of stupidity.

The Sad (Yet Hilarious) Truth

The existence of the console wars is the extension of massive marketing campaigns by the respective companies, plus teenaged butthurt and faggotry. Only 13 year olds autistic fucks like Chris Chan and people with a life, fanboys or the poor need restrict themselves to one console. As for the individual pieces of technology, we here at ED would invite you to Shut The Fuck Up about their merits. We do not care what numbers you have read, what some asshole who claims to know what he's talking about said on some blog, or what that fucking nigger doom developer said, you are too ignorant to even properly compare the technology. Your opinions are a worthless pile of shit, and by even engaging in the console wars, you are being a tool for a marketing department. So have your shitty consoles, we here at ED will be rocking it Quad-Core, SLI,DDR3, and with with no good games, and if you don't know what that means, please dispose of your computer immediately.

The Sad (Yet Honest) Truth

It doesn't matter if you play PSTriple, XBAWX, Waggle or own a computer to play games. You're still a useless piece of shit that will never amount to anything.

Gallery

Consollery About missing Pics

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  There was console wars when your mom and dad hadn't met each other yet.

See also

• Microsoft
• Nintendo
• Sony

Console Wars is part of a series on Gaming Visit the Gaming Portal for complete coverage.