Xxxchurch

Craig Gross...not a cult leader

Teh Bible according to XxxChurch

xxxchurch.com is a christian fringe cult decrying the consumption of pornography, citing a book containing erotica as reasoning. Their self-promotion of "#1 Christian Porn Site", is false advertising and exactly noone has or will ever be tricked into deleting their porn stash based on this trifling subterfuge. Like any cult worth your life savings, it demands the subversion of natural instincts, elimination of gratifying experiences, and heavy investment of time and money for useless or actively harmful activities (Besides, everyone knows that true followers of Christ masturbate to Mel Gibson's "The Passion").

The church is run by transparent faggot Craig Gross, a former make-up artist who argues from the pulpit that sexualizing women is wrong. His basic argument is that two lines from the bible, written 4000 and 2000 years ago, respectively, are abundant reason to go without one of life's few pleasures and live a life of twitchy and desperate abstinence*.

*The odds of a reader of this article obtaining voluntary buttsex are so vanishingly minute, that possibility has been discounted for the purposes of this article.

Beliefs

The whole situation in convenient cartoon form.

Craig Gross, despite being intellectual on par with the average snack vending machine, managed to spot a gap in the market of Buddy Jesus Christianity. He sought out fat and ugly men who ceased masturbating only to cue up another porn video. He told them that Jesus loved them, and if they quit masturbating, all of their dreams will come true. To stave off their lust and stuff his pockets, Craig then sells them a host of useless shit, ranging from ghostwritten books to internet support groups. He excels at these edited media and in prepared speeches, but anytime he is asked to expound his theories without a script, he shows himself to be a vacuous mumble-mouthed fuckwit. He is also chemotherapy skinny, and only allows himself to be pictured in model poses with stubble immaculately groomed, betraying his latent homosexuality and innate vanity.

Craig calls to the weak, the confused, the addicted, and offers them freedom from their chains. All he demands in return is you cease masturbating, get rid of your cell phone, pay him to monitor your internet activities, and sign up for his online support group, billed monthly. This money he uses to travel the world, attending sex industry conventions, “preaching” the good news. He does not make clear how long one must remain “sober” from the horrible temptation of sexuality to travel with him on the church's dime to sex conventions. Strangely, his wife sees no problem with him doing so, which hints at information we may not be privy to. On a trip to Australia, his fifth, he attended a sex convention one day, attended an hour church services the next two days, and spent the rest of his five day “mission trip” vacationing in his luxury hotel, scuba-diving, and generally not saving souls, just like Jesus did on all of his vacations. Craig also holds regular debates with Ron Jeremy, where he spends an hour or two telling Ron Jeremy how wrong he is in everything he does. In reality, he is just jealous of the fact that a man so fat, ugly, hairy and sweaty, can get so much hawt poontang. He is also jealous of Ron Jeremy's mammoth cock (aren't we all?).

Religious Services

Just add water

You know your cult has taken off when your deluded followers will pay for the privilege of eating pancakes with you. Craig has achieved such status in the mind of his brainwashed followers. On his website, Craig Gross offers his presence at a communal breakfast for only several thousand dollars, plus a chauffeur, hotel room, and presumably a five year old boy for spiritual purposes. You also have to make the pancakes.

Once you have provided all his unreasonable demands, he will simply stand up in the middle of your lovely breakfast and talk about how great he is and everything he has done. He may also mention his books. A lot. He'll have them available for sale after you are done with your sausage. Some may argue that selling books after having already being paid to deliver spiritual advice is tacky, but happily, cult members rarely have such concerns.

You Tubes

The Daily Show has a go.

Pete the Porno Puppet (feat. Ron Jeremy).

Is this shit for real?

Previous Video | Next Video

Quotes

“   I believe that porn is as addictive as heroin   „     —Craig Gross, on withdraw     “   A lot of people think Christians sure don't struggle with this, the stats don't lie: Christians are consuming pornography. And to me, it's not a surprise.   „     —Craig Gross on the realization that more than half of Christianity is composed of men.     “   This year's show in Vegas was my third serving with xxx church. I am a professional makeup artist and was blessed enough to use my makeup skills that God has given me as a way to serve and love and connect with these girls.   „     — Rachael Conner, changing the world, one eyelash at a time.     “   When I was pregnant with my 17 month old I caught him in the bathroom with my cell phone looking at porn. I was ready to end the relationship then, but we managed to work past it. He told me he loved me, and assured it wouldn't happen again. I just had our son on 3/16/2010. I had a c-section, and the baby had some problems with his lungs, so he was in NICU for four days. We were out of the hospital for exactly one week when I accidently stumbuled accross his porn collection in his truck... He was watching porn the day after I had his son. I was laying in the hospital barely able to move around and he was at home watching porn when he was supposed to be watching our kids.   „     —Heather, on discovering the porn-truck . Previous Quote | Next Quote

Gallery

• 
  Christian Pron
• 
  "Is that the wank helpline? Im wearing my flatmates knickers."
• 
  Craig paid for this shit painting of him and his (then crippled, now dead) father, proving he has never had a good idea in his life.

Footnote:Trolls?

Considering these "anti" porn guys spend so much time in porno conventions, and so much time in the company of Ron Jeremy, not to mention PETE the porno puppet,and the DON'T SPANK YOUR MONKEY literature, you have to wonder if these guys aren't just trolls themselves. Trolls who clearly make money AND get teh pussy.

External Links

For your own trolling pleasure:

• xxxchurch.com
• MySpace
• X3 Facebook
• New Statesman article by Craig Gross

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