McDojo

McDojo Offical Trademark!

McDojos (also known as McDojangs or Belt Factories) are martial arts schools that actually teach shit techniques (if any) and only exist for the purpose of making money. Most common in the US and A, McDojos are usually ridiculously expensive, and charge on a dedicated yearly contract to do hardcore intense workouts like breaking stones with your bare hands and the OMG flying dragon thunder sword axe kick of death!

McDojos force their students to pay out their ass in order to rank up in belt class. In which case, belt colors don't really represent one's actual skill in a martial art, but rather how much of a fucking retard they are for spending money on this shit. Getting a Black Belt will increase your dick size and give you bragging rights on forums. HAAYYAAH! Regardless how much shit one talks to another about being a black belt over the internets, they will still, and always be, pussies, because they don't have the balls to say it in person, but CAN however, get their asses handed to them IRL, by the common sixth grader. (which, in retrospect, is completely LULZ-worthy).

Training

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99% of McDojo teachers are white lardasses who couldn't fight for shit and give themselves stupid nicknames, the most common being Tiger. DON'T TALK SHIT ABOUT MASTER TIGER OK? HE WILL FUCK YOUR ASS UP. BOW TO YOUR SENSEI! Before each $75 class, they have to get the fuck up off their ass after a White Castle combo meal and ranking up to G1 servers in SFIV. McDojo teachers often throw a workout or two at the students such as keeping "Katas", retarded looking positions that don't help in self defense (or, fucking anything for that matter) and just waste time so that the teacher can hurry up and catch the final round of CTF with his friends.

EFG's best friend learned from a mcdojo

(Fig.1) Typical McDojo Sensei

Types of McDojos

Taekwondo

Taekwondo McDojangs are the most common of them all. McDojangs are usually plastered with stupid looking anime posters on the walls as well as spamming the Korean flag everywhere, regardless of the fact that none of the instructors are Gooks. Typical Taekwondo training includes performing 40 minutes of retarded standing stances, and learning some stupid wrist-locking shit that is supposedly (according to the fat shit that takes the kids' money) able to KILL a fucking opponent. Now THAT is some serious shit.

Karate

Karate training is a held by a secret organization run by Japanese people in order to trick kids into avenging the droppings of the atomic bombs. Like McDojangs, Karate McDojos have the Japanese (Imperial Japanese, that is) flag plastered all over the fucking place to attract all the weeaboos who hang out at the Pokemon card store next door. Although none of those fat shits do anything active, they consider achieving their dream of being a ninja, but quit after one day because being away from their computer monitor for more than 30 minutes will cause a batshit insane panic attack. Plus their Sonic fanfics are more important anyway.

Like Taekwondo and faggot parades, Karate uses the colored belt system to differentiate between rich fucks who just want to smack pads in a gi and piss-poor morons who think they are actually learning something. To upgrade your belt rank, students must pay for a "belt test" (the equivalent to fucking and then burning your wallet) so that pedophile instructor can eyeball your child doing retarded poses for 10 minutes. But at least you'll be the first kid at your lunch table with a GREEN BELT!!!

Muay Thai

Thais hate all other azns.

A more rare McDojo breed, Muay Thai instructors are the most nationalistic fucks on the entire planet, moreso than Americans. Thais will deny any claim that local arts such as Lethwei or Pradal Serey originate before Thai boxing, the sick fucks. They gloat about how much better MT is than shit like Kung Fu, even though they probably teach more McDojo shit than anyone else. Muay Thai techniques include dancing before the fight (you know, like real men) followed by 20 minutes of two half-naked guys grabbing each other, and is overall probably more gay than wrestling.

You might be enrolled in a McDojo if...

• ...your sensei is super-sized (See Fig. 1)
• ...you get a free furby with every belt purchased earned
• ...if you do better than the other students, rather than promoting you to the next belt level, your McSensai gives you a stripe or two for your "Exceptional effort"
• ...your dojo has produced billions and billions of black belt students
• ...your "uniforms" are white pyjamas from a second-hand store
• ...the instructor makes you swear only to use your "skills" as a last resort because whatever you learnt is useless in a fight
• ...all the girls in your class advance unusually quickly to black belt
• ...the TOTAL BADASS in your McDojo class is eleven years old and complains when you hit him too hard. "Stop it, you have no control!1!!"
• ...some of the girls are pregnant, or have kids that look like your Sensei
• ...your 10th-dan grand master black belt sensei gets a ride from his mom to meetings
• ...and gets picked up early because the end of the meetings are past his bedtime
• ...and he still has his fifth grade homework to finish

Martial Development vs. Bullshido.net

Bullshido.net is a forum where concerned members of society - ranging from seasoned martial arts experts, to your average Karate Kid fanboy - use "citizen journalism" to document the inner workings of McDojos everywhere. This emergence has provoked reactions from many McDojo supporters, one of whom (Chris H---, Martial Development Blog) posted this article in response:

http://www.martialdevelopment.com/blog/on-mcdojos-and-mob-justice/

In retaliation, Neal "Phrost" Fletcher, of Bullshido.net writes: "I've been posting on the Internet since shortly after Al Gore created it, but until now I've never come across a collection of words that both overstates the fucking obvious, and at the same time, completely misunderstands the subject it references. This paradox has created a small wormhole in my brain and now I can't remember what my Grandmother looks like. Thanks a lot, asshole..."

Following are the highlights of the ensuing discussion in bite-size McDrama nuggets.

MDB's comments:

“   isn’t it ironic that targets are expected to defend themselves “as martial artists,” when their accusers are protected by anonymity AND a lawyer?   „     —Chris H----     “   a quick look at these forums reveals that some of these anon martial arts world police are total LARPERs and drama queens just like their accused offenders.   „     —ol' wrestler     “   I do not understand this article well. What is martial arts?   „     —Josh young, taken out of context to make him sound like a complete fucktard     “   I don’t go around disrespecting people to prove my virtual dick is bigger than theirs.   „     —ol' wrestler...doesn't have to compensate     “   none of you have the skills, knowledge nor the EQ to be taken seriously.   „     —ol' wrestler, showing off his high EQ Previous Quote | Next Quote

Bullshido's responses:

“   the entire blog reads like it was penned by someone while stuffed in a locker by the members of the junior high wrestling team.   „     —Neal "Phrost" Fletcher     “   Blah, blah, blah. The real question is: Can Frank Dux beat up Ashida Kim?   „     —Rick Matz Previous Quote | Next Quote

Related Articles

• Ashida Kim
• Bullshido.net
• Kung Fu

Featured article June 7, 2010
Preceded by Crystal Head Vodka	McDojo	Succeeded by Warner Music CEO Lyor Cohen