Crysis

Buttsecks?

I cannot tell the difference!

Crysis is a game glorified tech demo that cannot be run on any computer due to its graphics requirments that make it look better than real life. EA thought that it would be a great idea to make a game with the best graphics ever. To do this, they used the CryEngine2 graphics engine which was, in hindsight, a rather appropriate name. Even though the graphics for Crysis were lifelike, the system requirements were so high that you needed a fucking NASA computer to play. Many of the other gamers that were stupid enough to spend millions of dollars on their supercomputer (which would be outdated in a matter of months) were pwnt by seeing that their computers could not run the game. The gamers were then forced to run the game in low resolution creating butthurt and bitching in the process.

Storyline

Basically, it is the same shit as Far Cry with a simple, shitty storyline involving aliens. Nomad, the main character in the game is sent on to an island that's loaded with gooks. Throughout the game you have to kill tons of gooks to get to your objective. Suddenly, in the middle of the game, huge mechanical tentacle monsters appears out of no where and kill everything by freezing things to death. The player miraculously does not die unlike everyone else everyone around him and saves the day. The ending was a happy ending. The End.

Some argue that the story was a replica of Far Cry. Both games, Far Cry and Crysis, involved tons of foreigners and the gameplay style is the same. The only real difference is the graphics and different characters. Other than that, Crysis is the same shit as Far Cry.

The storyline for Crysis extremely thin and unimaginative, your average 5 year old could have thought up something better than this in about 15 minutes. The game was made to be used as a vehicle to sell graphics cards and other PC hardware. To put things simply, it's more of an interactive benchmark than an actual video game.

Characters

OH LAWD! black person lookin' for sum chiggins!

• Nomad - The character that the player plays as. Like Gaylo, the player is never able to see Nomad's face. This is probably because Nomad is too fugly to be shown in the game. Some fanboys may say that it is because the makers of the game wanted the player to be him, but that is complete bullshit.

• Aztec - A beaner in the squad who is the first one to die. The pussy actually cries before he dies while talking into the radio.

• Mexican - A nigga and fellow brother from another mother to Prophet. Gets raped later on in the game and dies.

• Psycho - Some limey who says that he is by your side most of the time. The funny thing is that he NEVER helps you. He even gets his own shitty game.

• Prophet - A crazy black person who thinks he can take on the world. Miraculously never dies, but always bitches at Nomad to either hurry up, follow him, go somewhere, or protect him.

Suit

The whole game revolves around the damn suit that the player wears throughout the whole game. The looks of the suit resemble all of the muscles and structure in the body. Whenever a feature of the suit is activated, the suit will go, "Maximum (insert power here)." It is cool the first couple of times, but the comments get irritating after a while. For example, you will be in combat, and multiple powers are needed. So, this is what you will hear, "Maximum armor. Maximum cloak. Maximum armor. Maximum strength. Maximum cloak. Maximum speed. Maximum armor. Maximum speed. Maximum, MAXIMUM, MAXIMUM."

Weaponry

In-game screenshot of a tentacle monster.

Aztec still has all the cum on him from the monster that killed him.

Weapons

• SOCOM Pistol - This little peashooter cannot do anything. When fired, the pistol sounds like someone is punching a pillow.

• SCAR - The first gun in the game. It quickly runs out of ammo and the only way to get ammo for it is at the very end of the game when it is not even needed. This weapon is completely useless.

• FY-71 Assault Rifle - A piece of shit gun that resembles the AK-47. Of course the makers of the game didn't want to call it the AK-47 because the game had to be "futuristic." This is complete bullshit.

• MPX8 Submachine Gun - This gun does not even look like a submachine gun in the game. It looks like a rifle due to how huge it is. The MPX8 is used to spray bullets at everything which is why the gun is particularly loved by noobs in multiplayer (even though its a fact that only 10 people play multiplayer).

• Tactical Shotgun - The only weapon that actually useful in the game. Good to kill dirty koreans in the game. Also, it is good for shotgun mouthwashes.

• Precision Rifle (DSG-1) - The creators of the game could not just call it a sniper rifle. It had to be called a "precision rifle" since it is the most accurate weapon in the game.

• Gauss Rifle - Considered the most powerful weapon in the game. Ironically, a Gauss gun irl cannot kill anything and is less powerful than a BB gun. LIES!

• Hurricane Minigun - Great to mow down forests and lay down the law.

• Rocket Launcher - Typical rocket launcher. The missiles are laz0r guided, but that sucks because the player will normally forget this feature and point down to where they are. This creates a virtual an hero experience when the player dies. They have occasionally been confused with AWPs.

• TAC Cannon - Now this motherfuckin' weapon will blow yo shit up. Lock this hot shit on to an enemy and KABOOM, you just popped a huge cap in that gangbanger's ass. This weapon is only useful for the last level in the game (thank God). It requires a lock on which doesn't even work sometimes and only makes a tiny explosion. Only idiots like this weapon.

• C4 - Great for glitches such as making boats flip out of control. C4 was made to be a pain in the ass in this game since the player has to get up close and personal with it. This creates butthurt.

• Grenades - Randomly throw a bunch of frags around a multiplayer map and see everyone get pissed off at you, ultimately causing epic lulz.

Weapon Modifications

• Reflex Sight - Basically a red dot sight. That is all it is. This is not useful for any weapon in the game.

• Assault Scope - Huge scope that acts just like the reflex sight. Really shitty since it blocks out a lot of the player's view.

• Sniper Scope - While aiming, the scope will move around a lot. Great for campfags in multiplayer.

• Laser Pointer - The only good aiming device in the game. The dot is so big on the target that you will be asking why the enemies do not see it.

• Flashlight - Useless since nightvision is built into your suit and everything is well lit (even in the night).

• Grenade Launcher - Great for going totally apeshit all over everyone. You can reenact Rambo with this mod.

• Tactical Attachment - Secondary firing mechanism to shoot darts full of tranquilizers into an enemy. This is useless because the enemy will wake up again once a battle is over which will fuck the player over and cause frustration.

• Silencer - How enemies do not hear the gun firing is beyond anyone that plays this game. The silencer is extremely loud.

Multiplayer

The player's ability to strangle gooks was a major selling point of the game.

	“	Full multiplayer strategies, including detailed overviews for all gameplay modes, and thorough tactical explorations of each multiplayer map.	„
	—Lies that EA spreads on their websites.

There is a multiplayer option within the game, but when you join a game you are bound to get raped. Most people that play multiplayer are "normies" to it. In other words, they have been playing the game ever since it came out, non-stop, and know everything about it. The game becomes not fun for noobs which makes them reside in the game's chatroom.

One of the extra programs that came with the game is Punkbuster. In a nutshell, this program acts as a big brother, but more retarded. Punkbuster was designed to kick hackers out of the game, but instead kicks legitimate players out of the game and enforces hacking. Most servers do not have this feature on them anymore due to people not joining the servers.

Not only does Punkbuster do all of this when the game is installed, it also runs as a background process on the user's computer. Not only does this slow down the computer, but it also allows loopholes for a computer to be completely fucked up and patching in the background! Wonderful!

Nerd Rage

People actually spent 100s of dollars to upgrade their computers for a minor graphics difference.

Amongst many forums, constant bitching was happening about people trying to overclock their graphics cards and CPUs. Instead of getting great performance, many people's computers blew up, stayed the same, or just could not play the game.

“	Uninstall your current driver though Control Panel. Reboot into Safe Mode. Download and install this http://www.guru3d.com/category/driversweeper/. Run it and choose to sweep for Nvidia display only. Reboot into normal mode and download and install the latest drivers.	„
—Some people actually went through all of this trouble to play this shitty game.

“	But better hardware? The game magazine Gamereactor stated that this game has the coolest graphics ever, and one of the coolest effects ever seen in a game. They're playing with a computer you can buy if you pay around 4200 $.	„
—OH FUCK YEAH! I'M GOING TO SPEND THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS TO PLAY A SHITTY GAME!!!

“	put more ram in. ram yo sista	„
—Wut?

“	Nice graphics and that's all.Crappy story, no relevant gameplay at all, bla bla bla. It's one of the most overrated games I've seen in a while. It's sad that some people found *entertainment* for just been playing with cool graphics.	„
—Someone who is actually smart.

“	Turok is better than this shit.	„
— Another person being smart.

“	...but can it run Crysis?	„
—You'll see this all over Youtube.

Glitches

Not a glitch.

The game Crysis is known for numerous glitches. These glitches make the game hard as hell or incredibly retarded.

Some of the many glitches:

• Unable to kill enemies.
• After a building falls on an enemy, some piece might merge with the npc.
• Floating turtles, rocks, people, cars, etc.
• Invisible barriers.
• TAC launcher cannot lock on to the last boss while the woman in the airplane keeps bitching, "Use the TAC cannon to destroy it!"
• Bodies having seizures while they are dead.
• The freaky mouth glitch. Mouth closes when the player aims at the head.
• Invisible explosions and enemies.
• When a chicken is shot, sometimes it goes under the map
• Enemies shoot at nothing
• Put C4 in a ship and set it off. The ship with fly out of control.
• Trees that fall down sometimes make houses explode.

Glitch Videos

Previous Video | Next Video

Related Articles

• Crysis 2
• PC Gamer
• Gamer
• Vista
• Noob
• Gook
• EA
• Lie
• 1984
• Tentacle rape
• Bullshit
• Butthurt
• Gay

Sequel

The first three and a half minutes of Crysis 2 have been revealed:

http://tinyurl.com/23lexe

External Links

• The official page. Notice how the game doesn't even have it's own domain name.
  
• DX9 and DX10 Problems.
  
• Tons of people bitching about glitches here.
  
• Moar drama about glitches.
  

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