Jessica Brooks: Difference between revisions
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This page relies entirely on facts. Fact Cat knows this because of his learnings. Sorry for the lack of dick jokes. |
Jessica Brooks is an 18-year-old girl from Evansville, Indiana, famous for dousing herself with gasoline in an attempt to ward off lice. The obvious ensued.
The Jessica Brooks Story, Living The Simple Life
Our story begins last Thursday in September or 1990. Super Mario Brothers 3 was quickly becoming the number one selling video game of all time because the only things to do back then were get AIDS or play vidya games and probably get AIDS anyway. We're led into a war in the desert by a man named George Bush (but this would only be the first time...). And, somewhere in the American heartland, crawled Jessica Brooks from it's mother's cursed, rotten snatch (no word on if she knew who the father was).
Jessica would live the life of your typical Indiana teenager over the years. She went to school and learned basic math and literacy. She began using the word "Ya'll!" in every other sentence, and pledged herself to God. At age 11, she lost her virginity to her neighbor/father/dairy cow/uncle. At 15, tired of fitting the redneck stereotype to the tee, she decided to get her teeth fixed and saw an orthodontist who put braces that remain in her mouth to this day.
Of course, she wasn't fooling anyone and, when school proved too challenging for her, she moved out of her mom's house and began work on her GED. With time, she hoped to one day start a career alongside her sister in the service industry. While attending a Republican/White Supremacist rally in Bloomington, she met the man of her dreams, a dipshit with a trailer-park goatee. They were engaged to be married in May 2009, her having almost certainly been knocked up parked in a camaro behind the dumpster at Denny's.
However, her trailer-park princess happy ending was not to be.
The DeLousing
Personal hygiene has not fully caught on in the boondocks and scientists have confirmed that it certainly never will. Ergo, on Sunday, February 22, 2009, she sought to rid herself of a lice infestation in her hair. Being a white trash wigger and general stupids, she reasoned that instead of spending $10 on a box of Rid, she could save the money and buy some meth. Her plan was simple: She would siphon the gas out of some poor fuck's car, douse her hair in it, which would in turn rid her of lice, somehow. As might be expected with a woman, she didn't realize that gasoline fumes are easily ignited. Unfortunately for Jessica, when it came to the implementation of her well thought out plan, things went awry.
While news accounts point to a pilot-light from her apartment's heater, she probably decided after about 8 PBRs that it'd be nice to let her hair air-dry while smoking a Newport. With Smoky the Bear absent, a BBQ party commenced on her face. Party crashers showed up shortly afterward to put out the smoldering failure's remains.
They say that sometime after the smoke plumes began to dissipate, Jessica braved a weak smile and softly remarked, "I did it for the lulz".
Reflections
Currently, she's comatose in bed awaiting her special award and the benefits which come with it. While she remains alive, she also, unfortunately, remains fertile; it might thus be premature to conclude that her stupidity won't infect subsequent generations.
If there's any kind of merciful God, He'll end both her and our suffering by killing her the moment she finishes the long, painful process of healing her skin grafts, or alternatively, have her meander towards the light at the end of the tunnel in her current vegetative coma. Either way, until pictures of her looking like the Harlequin Fetus are found, the lulz will remain at only around 75% and will neither equal nor exceed 100%.
But hey... At least now she's lice free!
Gallery
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The brother, testament to the genetic pedigree. -
Would you like an order of fries alongside your charboiled bride? -
Jessica's friend and intellectual equivalent, passed out admist her own byproducts. -
Pre DeLousing and almost certainly shopped.
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She aspired to join her sister in the workforce. -
Her desired tattoo. Looks like she'll be needing more than one. -
Dramatization. -
Like Jacqueline Saburido, Jessica Brooks did it for the lulz.
