Quake

Not a Doom ripoff!

Back in the day, Quake was the first 3-dimensional first person shooter game that everyone played. Created by the gods of ID Software (see: Doom), it spawned a generation of sequels. Players walk through mundane castle and dungeon areas, encountering zombie fish, zombie dogs, zombie soldiers, and zombie zombies, all hellbent on tearing your flesh to pieces. The game helped to spark a gaming revolution, which in turn created jobs for the basement-dwelling losers which natural selection would normally pwn and recycle.

The following is an educational guide to Quake

Quake

So edgy

The story is original and totally not the same as Doom. You receive a call early in the morning by your commander to come down to the base for a top secret meeting. He tells you shit just got real as some anonymous pussy named Quake is gonna fuck this world up and spread his AIDS through use of teleporters. So you step out for what ever reason and then you hear gunshots and screams and shit, so you rush in and see that the other people have been pwned and turned into zombies with guns. You make it personal and shoot these fags up and step in to a teleporter to a different world that's filled with ugly monsters who want to stick their penis in your intestines while eating out your ass. You have to make your way through the demension, collect erotic artifacts and at the end fight a giant vagina with tentacles. But you have to kill that pussy by waiting for a spiked ball to slide in to the vagina and then teleport inside it and find the clitoris, this is really not bullshit, your guns don't work. You have to do this.

A typical Quake player. Notice the unkempt, dirty clothes and the atrophied eyes brought on by a lack of natural light.

BUT WAIT! THERE'S MORE!...

Mission Pack 1: Scourge of Armagon

In this new exciting adventure, having had terrifying vaginal sex with Sally Struthers cooch, you come back and expect to see all the shit ok. That doesn't happen because the military has pussed out and abandon the place, they left it to the fucking bitch monsters. You see through the camera that they are coming over to beat the shit out of you. You decide if you should be an hero or grow some balls. Guess whats next? The head bitch in charge? A tall cyborg faggot with dildos named Armagon.

Mission Pack 2: Disolusions or Eternity of something...

It doesn't end here, you come back and these motherfuckers are still at it. So you go back to the dimension for the fucking third time and fight your way through a shit hole of monsters. Head mother cock lover, a fucking Dragon how original. Kill the dragon and leave, you should have stop fucking with this game in the beginning.

Compared to the sequels

The multiplayer of remaining games in the series is pretty much the same shit and has boring singleplayer campaigns that's not worthwhile describing:

• Quake 2
• Quake 2 Netpack: Extremities
• Quake 2: The Reckoning
• Quake 2: Ground Zero
• Zaero: Mission Pack for Quake 2
• Quake 3 Arena
• Quake 3 Team Arena
• Quake 4
• Enemy Territory: Quake Wars

Monsters

• Grunt - Former US Marine that was zombified and wants to kill you. Easily killed and a waste of US government money. If that's the best the military has to offer, we're fucked.

• Enforcer - same shit as the grunt except with lazers.

• Ogre - fat ugly dude in S&M bondage with a chainsaw and grenade launcher.

• Fiend - ugly shit that can eat you and be a pain in the ass.

• Shambler - huge ugly motherfucker that shoots electricity and wants nothing more than for you to drop the soap. Clearly a faggot in denial.

• Scrag - floats like an aborted fetus and stings like a bee.

• Spawn - dark color jizz that wants to get on you.

• Zombie - now these assholes are a doozy. Normal zombies eat human flesh and walk around all ugh ahhh. These guys on the other hand, loves to tear off their cocks and hurl them at you. I'm dead fucking serious!

• Rottweiler - dead dog

• Rotfish - dead fish

• Vore - some 3 legged bitch that hurls explosive homing spiked balls at you.

• Knight - canned meat

• Death Knight - canned meat that wants to open you up instead.

• Chton - Chthulu's love child with NormsBarStool, a retarded red giant that lives in lava and hurls balls at you.

• Shub-Niggurath - mother of all the monsters, basically a giant uterus.

• Gremlin - furry cute little animal from that movie. But take caution as if you expose it to water, they will multiply and go ape shit.

• Centroid - scorpion with guns instead of claws. The funny thing is that it is an insect but it bleeds red.

• Armagon - the final boss of the first crappy expansion.

• Electric eel - has all originality has officially gone out the window?

• Phantom Swordsman - yes it has!

• Guardian - Egyptian warrior that is supposed to oversee the jew slaves.

• Wrath - flying ghost that shoot homing spiked balls at you, seriously! What is up with this game and shooting spiked balls at you?

• Dragon - final boss of the third expansion, thank gawd!

Every other enemy is a samefag

• Mummy - zombie recolor but still a samefag

• Statue - white knight who is a samefag

• Hellspawn - samefag

• Multi Grenade Ogre - samefag

• Lavaman - samefag

• Overlord - samefag

Quake today

The last bastion of Quake 1 is http://quakeone.com, a place where only the most hardcore players lurk. These sorry folk may seem polite on the surface, but they're really a bunch of snobbish elitists who are still living in 1996. They can usually be found spending their time:

• Bitching about today's modern games being "only about graphics",
• complementing their own cool screencaps / wallpapers,
• constantly upgrading the 1996 game with modern-day graphics before Nightdive and Bethesda remasters it 25 years later,
• hating some asshole called kimp, to the point of obsession,
• automatically branding any game without blood and gibs as bad
• branding any game except Quake as bad,
• and worshiping Baker and Trent Reznor.

As of late more and more aspies have joined the site making it ripe for trolling. On a side note, every single member of http://quakeone.com is a virgin or married 40-year old basement-dweller.

A quick run down on some regular members of the site

• Mindf!3ldzX
• Hazza
• OoPpEe
• R00k
• Spirit
• Spinvis
• Mr.Burns
• Baker
• MadGypsy

Quake 2

99% Hua, 1% Frags

Multiplayer

Simple weekend 2-player mode has been completely done away with, as Quake's then-advanced server/client system of multiplayer revolutionized the art of sitting on one's ass, while organizations such as the Cyberathlete Professional League have taken the meaning of "pathetic" to levels known previously only in myth and legend. It all started with Quake 1 multiplayer and has mutated. The most popular Quake 2 mod is Action Quake 2, which Counter-Strike ripped of. Recently,ID software has released a free to use Java based censored version of quake 3 called quake live. Unlike all other quake games,it contains no blood or gibbs. Quake 3 fanboys constantly bitch and whine about this in their forums. Furthermore, the brilliant minds behind Quake Live thought it would be a good idea to charge monthly for players to be able to fully utilize Quake Live i.e. be able to create your own private server where you and your friends can play alone. But Quake 1 and 2 multiplayer hasn't been totally forgotten. The Quake one community is vast yet small these days at least 100 strong. Common communities such as quakeone.com and tastyspleen.net host matches on their servers, only like 7 people are on.. always. The rest are late 20 to mid 30 year olds whom are die hard fans and will not accept that better games have came out in the last decade and five years.

Other

Quakes are also natural disasters, ironically caused by gamers who get up from their steel-reinforced chairs in order to purchase the latest ergonomic snacktrays for their 'rig.' Despite causing hundreds of thousands of deaths and billions of dollars in damage, these disasters are not nearly as important as the game, as made clear by Google Images.

Quake 2 today

The last bastion of Quake 2 is http://www.tastyspleen.com, a place where only the most hardcore players lurk; and has some help from http://q2scene.net/scene/index.php . These sorry folk may seem polite on the surface, but they're really a bunch of snobbish elitists who are still living in 1997. They can usually be found spending their time:

• bitching about today's modern games being "only about graphics",
• arguing that he is the best at the game, because they think that being good at this game makes their e-penises longer,
• accusing each other of cheating,
• arguing over whether Quake 2's anticheat works,
• arguing over which mod is the best, even though its still the same fucking game,
• complementing their own cool screenshots / videos,
• constantly upgrading the 1997 game with modern day graphics before Nvidia remasters it 22 years later,
• hating some emo called Razor (Real name: Kimpis Nyman), to the point of obsession,
• examining demos (recordings) of game matches,
• automatically branding any game without blood and gibs as bad,
• branding any game except Quake as bad,
• and worshiping Quadz and R1CH.

(notice the weird similarity to Quake 1)

If your Quake 2 server looks like this you're doing it right

There's a good amount of modfaggotry here. Also, a player can use any model as his avatar on the game servers. This has caused quakefags to create all sorts of absurd models. Models that players typically use are weirdly colored animas and naked men. If you go on their servers and misbehave you're unlikely to get banned easily because they are desperate for more players on their servers which has a shrinking userbase, even though they'd never admit it. So why not go troll them right away with the free client from the tastyspleen site and using this server list. As of late more and more faggots have joined the site making it ripe for trolling. On a side note, every single member of tastyspleen] is a virgin or married 40-year old basement-dweller.

A quick run down on some regular members of the site

• Quadz, a legalfag and owner of the site.
• Focalor, satanist internet tough guy who acts badass and has, like, 9 million posts.
• Dervish, basement-dweller who tells carefully thought out stories of his "life".
• FaderJok, a whiny spamboy.
• haunted, this guy is actually kinda cool.
• Reflex, who philosophizes about the game to an absurd degree.
• peewee_rota, fatass who fails at life.
• Vaevictus, a narcissist egomaniac.
• Golgo13, an obsessive basement-dwelling anime-fapping wapanese who constantly makes the most absurd cheating accusations.
• Alpha, whiny aussie geek who tries really hard to be respectable by other Tastyspleen members, but only succeeds in making himself their laughing stock and therefore became an hero.
• yahoo, an azn who swear to God he's a cow. No, really.

Selected lulzy examples of Quake 2 forum faggotry: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8

Quake 3

Unreal Tournament was better.

Quake 4

Yet another game that was fucked up by Raven Software. This game has been entirely forgotten. There's no nostalgia or anything surrounding it. It should have never existed.

Load video

YouTube

YouTube might collect personal data. Privacy Policy

ContinueDismiss

You become Strogg halfway through Quake 4

Videos

Load video YouTube YouTube might collect personal data. Privacy Policy ContinueDismiss Geoffrey Leonard joins Quake Load video YouTube YouTube might collect personal data. Privacy Policy ContinueDismiss Geoffrey Leonard Strikes Back Previous Video | Next Video

Gallery

Gallery About missing Pics

• 
  Quake fans fap to this.
• 
  An example of Quake Live's immersive atmosphere. Notice the advertisements plastered throughout every level.
• 
  Beta version
• 
  Obligatory Quake 2 porn

[Collapse GalleryExpand Gallery]

• 
  Q2 strogg bitches
• 
  Now dead
• 
  Typical Quake 2 enemy activity
• 
  More Quake 2 server faggotry
• 
• 
• 
• 
• 
  Typical Quake 2 jumpmod activity
• 
  The truth about tastyspleen
• 
  Screenshots from actual Quake 2 maps
• 
  which was obviously designed by sick fucks
• 
• 
  one player has a Britney Spears fetish
• 
• 
• 
  Goatse
• 
  It's RTX all over again.

See Also

• Doom - Superior game. Full 3D isn't everything.
• Call of Duty - The death of all arena shooters.
• Unreal Tournament - The game that basically outlived Quake for a few years more.
• Team Fortress 2 - Because of Valve, TF was transformed into what we have today
• Half Life - Used Quake's engine, only updated.
• Counter-Strike - Quake 2 Action mod ripoff.
• Halo - The Quake of the console kiddies.
• Elitist - The only game with more of them is probably StarCraft.
• BAWW - You, after getting your ass kicked for the 100th time.
• Old Media - This game is old, alright.
• Video Games - More virtual time wasters.
• FPS - The genre for everyone.

Quake is part of a series on Gaming Visit the Gaming Portal for complete coverage.