Gloria Tesch

	“	Sorry guys...I can't hear you over the sound of how awesome I am.	„
	— Gloria Tesch, on autofellatio.

Gloria Tesch, in all of her borderline loli glory.

Oh man you would buy this shit so hard.

Gloria Tesch, now known as Sofia Nova, is a former teenage twat with a serious case of Unwarranted Self-Importance because she managed to shit out six poorly written fantasy novels via vanity publishing. Because her parents are desperate to cling on to any "talent" that their daughter may have, she fancies herself the future J.K. Rowling and is famous beyond any commoner's comprehension, though we all know this is just bullshit as calling her 800+ page tree-killers "glorified doorstops" would be a complete and utter insult to the door. Being in denial, she will spawn wave after wave of creatively named sockpuppet accounts of people with real purpose to society, such as psychiatrists, more esteemed authors, and various other nameless individuals in a desperate attempt to show that the world is eager to line up and suck her hypothetical dick.

She reaps in most of her non-existent fame by billing herself as the "world's youngest published author in the world". Most intelligent people know that this is false. The real record for that position is held by Christopher Beale, a Swiss six-year-old boy who wrote about his toys. Dorothy Brooks who wrote her first novel as she was four years old. It is pretty likely that both of them are probably better than anything Gloria has spun out.

The saga itself, a garbage heap of clichés, over-used plot lines, child-like world views and laughable dialogue, is titled "The Maradonia Saga". She wrote and published the first "book" before she was fourteen, which is highly noticeable in its large-print-slapped-together and total lack of quality-controlled glory. She was then urged on by her family for unknown reasons to continue the series, which now has six novels overall. Despite self-initiated claims of praise and adulation, it is a mystery as to why these books haven't been picked up by a real publishing company.

The Author Herself

	“	Q: What made you want to write a full-length novel at such a young age? A: Well, anything can suggest a story to me. If I hear just one sentence, that would be all I need to create a whole story. I see real pictures and I write them down. Also, my love for fiction and fantasy played a role to inspire me. I love reading lots of books, sometimes up to five different books per week.	„
	— Gloria Tesch, not realizing that People and Teen Magazine don't count as books.

The saga of Gloria Tesch begins like any other. Being an average student in the Florida public school system, she had few opportunities to break herself from the stereotypes that plague women today. That was, until an English teacher gave their class a "creative writing" assignment. In order to adhere to national guidelines on grades, and to get high off painkillers while the little shits worked on their assignment, the teacher just gave everybody in the class an "A" on their work. Everyone else simply went about to their next assignment and didn't care, but Gloria's parents were shocked that their daughter could actually write legible English on a keyboard, and her life got flipped, turned upside down. Her parents instantly dropped her out of the public schooling system and commissioned her to develop this assignment into a series of books. It shouldn't come as a surprise that with the constant coddling and unchecked adulation, Gloria's ego spiraled higher than even the most flamboyant dramawhore.

Being the retarded nobody that she is, Gloria put her real name, photos, and location on the internets. This in itself is begging to end in lulz and disaster, just like her books. She lives in Tampa, Florida, so it's not surprising that all of her neighbors pretend to love the books in order to shut her family up. She isn't so lucky online, however, and has had her work deservedly sporked on multiple occasions.

EDiots are advised that when trolling Gloria it's important to keep in mind that she has a cowardly demeanor; hiding comments or completely ignoring them. Subtlety is the key here. She hasn't reacted to her criticism much, which leads to less lulz, but she could be the next Tara Gilesbie if she is prodded in the right direction.

Just remember not to troll her too hard. In case you get troll's remorse, she lives at 601 E Kennedy Blvd Tampa, FL 33602-4932. Maybe you could call her and tell her how much you love her books at (813) 272-5940. Pizzas are always welcome! There's no need for too much remorse, as Tampa, being teh cesspit that it is, has many truck stops. Once the drugs and delusions end, Gloria can start on her obvious career path to becoming a Lot Lizard. As evidenced by her photos, she has many outfits that are extremely well suited (no pun intended) to the profession.

The Maradonia Saga

They say to never judge a book by its cover, but the inside is just as hideous.

Gloria's books are entitled "Maradonia and the Lost Secret of Kra” or “Maradonia and the Unleashed Beast” - 10th-rate bullshit Harry Potter rip-offs, proving that the bitch has no imagination whatsoever.

The "saga" itself has nauseatingly shitty formatting (Kind of like this article, amirite?), complete with bizarre ellipses in text that result in large white quadruple-spaces, killing more of those poor, innocent trees, child-like grammar, single quotes for dialogue, and italics along with them to boot. These, coupled with the fact that they are in large print, only amplifies the lame failure of this series.

	“	It was a difficult situation but the men in the camp stood closely together as one strong force and were ready to fight for their freedom and for their commanders Joey, Maya and Captain Goran. 'It is wonderful to see when the people in this camp believe in their leaders and commanders but it is more wonderful when the leaders believe in their people,' said Joey and continued, 'maybe the time will come or has already come that we as leaders of this camp will pay a price to carry out our calling!' 'Bravo, Bravo, Bravissimo…' interrupted Gertrude, 'most people think that we are the bad ones but basically we bring peace to the world. My two friends and I have agreed to make you an offer which you cannot reject.' “And what is this diabolical offer?' asked Maya standing between Joey and General Goran. 'This is not a diabolic offer. It is an honest offer because we are ready, willing, able and we have also agreed that we will let your men go free. They are all free to go home and they can take all their belongings and possessions with them and go back to their families.' 'You will let them go home?' Goran asked. 'Yes, they can go home… all of them. They do not have to fight our army of over ten thousand men which has your camp surrounded.' The army of ten thousand also cheered when they heard that they had not to fight. 'Under one condition, of course, will we let them go free… The condition is that Maya and Joey give their lives freely as human sacrifices in honor of our lord Abbadon the son of the great Apollyon.'	„
	— A sample of the pure genius that is the Maradonia Saga.

But even all that is overshadowed by the sheer faggotry of its plot. The story is about a pair of teenagers named Maya and Joey, two characters so flawless and perfect that even the most blatant of Sues pale in comparison (examples: Joey's project {a poster} was so unbelievably amazing that it was commended by the White House and Maya is a beloved, talented artist with a black belt in karate and can think clearly when deep underwater while her ears are bleeding). These two find a secret dimension after a spirited exercise in incestuous relations that is called the land of Maradonia, which somehow exists several feet away from Earth itself without any sort of physical or electrical interference.

They face-off against creatively evil entities as "The Evil Empire" and "The Gothic Movement" (Yes, they are actually called those names in the book. That is how fucking retarded this shit is). The Evil Empire itself led by King Appolyon, a monarch fairly elected to the throne. Apparently the super special heroes have completed a prophecy just by being shat out of their mother's womb, and must complete a quest to overcome the seven bridges or whatever the fuck they are. It shouldn't be a surprise as to how this book will end.

And there are four more books of this cookie-cutter plot to come... Guess how the third-grade representation of good vs. evil will turn out.

TL;DR it's the worst of My Immortal, The Inheritance Saga, Twilight and the works of Peter Chimaera rolled into one. This book also seems to have a particular feel for "borrowing" plot ideas from The Chronicles of Narnia, hence the frequent references to GodJesus in every third paragraph. This shit is bad enough to give you AIDs, kill your dog, rape your family and burn your house to the ground. We are DEAD. FUCKING. SERIOUS.

Drama

Starting Shit with other Authors

File:Gloria Video Deleted.PNG

What a fucking pussy.

Gloria frequently stirs up shit with other teenage authors and anybody who criticized her books by posting bitchy videos on YouTube detailing how retarded other teenage authors and people who don't like her books are.

Unfortunately for Gloria somebody tried doing the same to her and with amazing swiftness she deleted every-fucking-thing. This was completely undone however, when she decided to reupload the video on a sock account.

Gloria after receiving constructive criticism. Uwe Boll taught her well.

Sock Puppet Accounts

No wannabe faggot would be complete without numerous fake accounts to praise and glorify their work constantly. Unfortunately for Gloria, she can't even do that right. All of her sock puppet accounts write in the exact same style of writing, so everyone could see that she was a failure at life as well as writing. That, and the simple fact that the only sane human being that would ever like her trash are either lying or being paid to say so.

File:Yahoo 01.jpg

You'd think that a fucking author would come up with a better name than "book reader" to peddle their shit on Yahoo Answers...

She posed as "important people" to gain recognition and undeserved respect, but only ended up failing and looking like an even bigger amateur than before. Everyone except Gloria and her naive, opportunistic parents seem to be on to her dishonesty and failure.

“   Maradonia territory… breathtaking… couldn’t put it down. The style and the storyline matched so perfectly that you don’t even think about it. Maradonia territory flows like a well directed “feel good” movie.   „     — Richard W. Film Production     “   The world’s youngest novelist Gloria Tesch launched a promising fantasy series with her Maradonia chiller… fast pacing, superior characterization and a sound story line… a winner!   „     — Donald T.     “   A dynamite read… Young author Gloria Tesch brings strange, supernatural creatures to the scene to help her characters to conquer temptations. This is Maradonia dynamite. A journey that many readers may wish to share.   „     — Earl J.     “   The Maradonia saga is literary enough to keep the mind interested. Large print, written with an easy reading style, smooth story line… pretty much anyone can understand and enjoy this series of books.   „     — Charles H. Book sales     “   The Maradonia saga will knock your socks off with its brilliant dialogues, the truthful characters and its plot - especially in the second novel - which always leads you exactly where you would never think you were headed.   „     — Roy L.     “   I have a degree in journalism, and I have worked for many years on a book draft but I never finished it, though, and I am so proud that you have done so with such a young age.   „     — Richard C. Journalist     “   I purchased “Maradonia and the Seven Bridges“ for my daughter. When her uncle came, she didn’t want to put the book down to go shopping. She was so into it and thanks me all the time for getting the book for her.   „     — George M.     “   Hi Gloria, OMG, I LOVE YOUR BOOK! It’s amazing! I got into a fight with a substitute teacher and he sent me to the office because I read the Maradonia book during class and couldn’t put it down.   „     — Vanessa S.     “   The stories of this 14 year old novelist are just overwhelming because of the simplicity and they show from their psychological proportions in the life of the siblings, Maya and Joey, and in their fight between good versus evil a far deeper substance – basically a story behind the story - and this is one of the reasons why I believe that the Maradonia Saga will certainly have a longer life line in the future than the Twilight or the Harry Potter series. But there are other reasons: - Maradonia is not just entertainment! Maradonia is a life style because it meets our longings to experience the truth of life, love and death. - This Maradonia New-Life-Style is able to help the reader better to understand life itself and his role in his own family, the nation and in the universe. - The Encouragers are able to encourage every reader to discover their own gifts and abilities. - The Maradonia books, I believe, will play sooner or later an important role for fans, middle readers and young adults, and they are a must-read for parents, teachers, and librarians that will serve as a bridge to growth in knowledge, faith and in the understanding that there is power in positive thinking.   „     —Armando N. Psychologist Previous Quote | Next Quote

Tesch has also been buying Twitter followers for her account in an attempt to make her seem more popular than she actually is

Music "Career"

Failing to become a literary superstar using her daddy's money that she only has access to thanks to mommy's tits, Gloria moved on to trying to make music. After upgrading herself with layers upon layers of whore makeup and probably some plastic surgery, she first made a miserable attempt at making Christian pop. However, since this is the worst music genera to feed someone's delusions of grandeur, she soon colored her hair blond, gave herself a "street name" ("Goldilocks") and moved on to the best genre for self absorbed retards who can't play an instrument or sing: Rap.

Popularity

Statistically, this is more awesome than everything written by Gloria Tesch. No, really.

	“	We can't even keep the books on the shelves; they're flying out of here like nothing!	„
	—"Book store owner", being inadvertently accurate on the first count

In the fantasy world her parents have bought for her, Tesch is massively popular. She has hugely popular book signings. Fans queue for hours to get a glimpse of her. Her most dedicated fans cosplay as her characters. Book stores are selling so much, so fast, that the printers can't even keep up. She gets TV appearances. Hell, she's got a TV show, film adaptations, and a theme park (a fucking theme park) in the works and holy shit she's fucking huge how comes I've not heard of her before?

File:Pic3.jpg

She has hugely popular book signings

Right.

As of July 2010, her book Maradonia and the Seven Bridges has an Amazon sales rank of 2,539,789, which mean there are 2,539,788 books out there which are more popular than it. By comparison, Edward Nawy's gripping, epic thriller Reinforced Concrete: A Fundamental Approach (6th Edition) has an Amazon sales ranking of 410,523, and much better customer ratings. That means there are over two million books which are both less interesting than a 936-page tome on "the design of reinforced concrete members through a unique and practical step-by-step trial and adjustment procedure", and more interesting than her novel. We, for one, would love to see people cosplaying as reinforced concrete at the launch of the next edition of Nawy's book. Just saying.

The same "novel" is apparently the first, second and third bestseller. Srsly!

"But", one might say, "Amazon lists the book at $145 and it's available from her website for $24.95! What about sales from her website?" Well, how about that, then. Alexa gives her a global traffic rank of 11,534,913(Was 6,075,715). Put another way, over the last month, she has a "reach" of 0.00002 percent. Therefore, If absolutely everyone that has ever visited her website bought a copy of both the books she is selling there, it would result in total sales of....634. 634. J. K. Rowling loses more sales than that to fucking rounding errors.

By the way, the British Ready-Mixed Concrete Association has an Alexa traffic rank of 5,047,522 (Was 2,577,466). That means there are six and a half million websites that are less interesting than ready-mixed concrete and yet...yeah. You get the idea.

Reviews

• "Every one is going crazy over child prodigy authors and this one doesn't deserve your hard earned money."
  "Every one is going crazy over child prodigy authors and this one doesn't deserve your hard earned money."
• "This "book" broke every rule of fiction, and it sounded like it was punched out by a fourth grader."
  "This "book" broke every rule of fiction, and it sounded like it was punched out by a fourth grader."
• "I received this from a relative recently, and after reading it I am completely convinced it was intended as a "gag gift"."
  "I received this from a relative recently, and after reading it I am completely convinced it was intended as a "gag gift"."
• "The "child author" taglines have gotten old since Christopher Paolini came on the scene, and the "World's Youngest Novelist" claims are questionable at best."
  "The "child author" taglines have gotten old since Christopher Paolini came on the scene, and the "World's Youngest Novelist" claims are questionable at best."
• File:Maradonia review 1.PNG
• Haters Make Me Famous!
  Haters Make Me Famous!
• No. Her reviews are just as bad.
  No. Her reviews are just as bad.
• Gloria breaks the mind of even anonymous.
  Gloria breaks the mind of even anonymous.

Send Fan Mail

[email protected]

2677 Landing Way
Palm Harbor, Florida 34684
727-831-8301

See Also

• "The Vagina Ass of Lucifer Niggerbastard" Gloria moves on to porn
• My Immortal The internet can still beat her
• Fan fiction
• Twilight
• Angst
• Mary Sue
• Teenage
• Lolcow

Links

• Her website
• Her Facebook
• A good sporking on her book
• Another good sporking
• On MySpazz
•  Her twitter with less than 40 followers UPDATE: Now over 6000 followers (she's been buying them)
• Her YouTube
• Her other YT account (Or possible White Knight)
• On TV Tropes Even they think her saga is retarded.
• A self-created Facebook fanpage

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Featured article November 15, 2010
Preceded by tfo	Gloria Tesch	Succeeded by Sniff Heinkel