Twitard

Not to be confused with Twitter fanatics, who are simply Twits Twats.

Twitards' favorite toy.

	“	No nothing compared to twilight....you know what my biggest pet peeve was with old vampire movies and stories? The ridiculous fangs and the whole no sunlight thing....I like Stephanie's vampires much better....much more realistic	„
	—missysue, on twilightmoms.net

What's worse than a mythology raping novel written by a sexually frustrated mormon housewife? The answer: Its fans. Twilight fans are mind-numbingly fucking stupid and yet produce such a bountiful harvest of lulz and drama that they deserve their own article. Twitards, formally known as Twihards, are weak of mind and therefore fall prey to Meyer's Jedi Mind Trick to defend her and her piece of shit at all costs. Since twitards are often prostatots and first time fantards, they bring fantardism to a whole new level.

Twitard Psychology

Typical reaction to Smeyer's failed book, Midnight Sun.

Gaiafag Twitard.

Some argue that Twitards suffer from OCD (Obssessive Cullen Disorder), fangirls and fanboys alike, which sometimes leads to lulz of epic proportions.

Though there are normal, sane fans (though they're difficult to find, as they probably don't reside on the Internet), the batshit insane fantards are the most known and give the sane ones shit. Fans have even been known to resort to various degrees of violence towards those that disagree - basically, they will jump your ass faster than you can say "sparkly faggot". People have reported all kinds of attacks; being spit on, burned with a lit cigarette, beaten, stalked and even THREATENED WITH DEATH. When asked about her view on this behavior, Stephanie Meyer basically laughed it off and let it go.

Twitards are stupid...extraordinarily stupid. The kind of stupid that feverishly believes that taking high angle shots and then running them through a desaturation filter is awesome, and it's even MORE awesome when it's put up on their MySpace page. The kind of stupid that watches crappy kid shows, wants to learn kung-fu because they watch ninja raping cartoons, can't wait for high school because of the musical, and hasn't had a real boyfriend yet. You know that girl who screams really loud during a firework display? That's a Twitard. The girl who laughs really loud in public just for the sake of being really loud in public? That's the Twitard. And don't think this kind of stupid is exclusive to prostatots, because it's not. These bitches are the most annoying people to talk to, because you literally feel like you are pulling teeth to have a mature debate with them about why Twilight is a piece of shit dead-end vampire romance. Half of those people are already published authors. They also happen to go fucking bonkers and attack anyone who disagrees about Twilight being the best book in the history of literature.

A small group of Twitards (Espicially Twi-mom-tards), approximately six, is the equivalent of every serious supporter of "ladiesagainstfeminism.com."

If you meet a few, as piranhas twitards travel in schools groups, chances are that they want you to join their sex cult and take turns role playing as Bella and Edward. More surprisingly, not a single fangirl has attempted a drawing of Rule 34 for Twilight, even though the entire fanbase is sex starved. Some say it is because Meyer has converted the entire fanbase to Mormonism and it is against the religion to draw porn or do anything fun at all.

The male Twilight fans are Jacob incarnate. That is to say: they're only interested in the series because a bunch of girls read it, and hopefully by feigning friendship to the fanbase, they too can find a Bella Swan of their own and be more than just friends. They probably aren't there to chat about Edward's Popsicle penis. Then again, it wouldn't really be surprising if they did.

If you do criticize Twilight...

Internet tough guy twitard

At least they're reading... right?

You can bet your ass you will get an answer similar to these:

1. You have no life!
2. A fallacy like If you dislike the characters why did you read it? (used very commonly in a Mobius strip with "You aren't allowed to hate something you haven't read!")
3. OMG How can you NOT like it? WTF is wrong with you?
4. You're just in denial. You secretly LOVE it!
5. It's pointless to hate something.
6. Stop being a hypocrite!
7. You're immature (for speaking your opinion logically).
8. Something is seriously wrong with you!
9. Who do you think you are?
10. You’re just jealous!
11. You’re reading too much into it. (OR “You’re overanalyzing it.”)
12. Think before you act.
13. Your arguments are stupid. I didn’t see any of what you’re talking about.
14. YOU try writing a best seller!!11!!1
15. Nobody cares about your opinion.
16. STEPHENIE MEYER IS GOD. DON'T YOU DARE INSULT HER.
17. You obviously haven't read it if you don't like it.
18. You're jealous of Edward and are probably ugly as hell.

Note: even though this list uses it correctly, actual twitards will be physically incapable of differentiating between You're/your. To truly simulate speaking to a twitard, replace each "you're" with "your" and vice versa.

Twitards and Epic Trolling on LiveJournal

On August 4, 2009, all of Livejournal was raped in the butt by a sucessful troll. He had managed to concoct a Writer's Block question of such awe-inspiring fail that the fail tipped over from the sheer weight of its failure and became an instant win. The question:

By mixing sparkly pansy Mormon vampires with a retarded and incomprehensible sport that only Americunts and the Japanese give a shit about, it managed to enrage 99% of the LJ community and sparked an endless barrage of anti-Twilight macros, gifs, and thoughtful comments like the following: "I'd employ satan so he could set all the cullens on fire and then feast upon their burning corpses. Delish. Thanks Lj for this mind stimulating question."

There was universal butthurt. Vampire fans were butthurt because they hate wussy vegan vampires and are too fat to play sports. Foreigners were butthurt because they hate any questions about Amerikan Kultur. Baseball fans were butthurt because their manly-man steroid-spiked sport was defiled by a bunch of disco fags. And Twitards, being the brainless amoeba they are, tried to faithfully answer the question but failed because they can't tell the difference between a baseball bat and Edward's sparkly penis.

By the end of the day, Mr. Troll had ignited so much butthurt that he broke the record for Most Anal Rape in One Day and was crowned Troll King... much to the disappointment of Josef Fritzl, the former record-holder.

Twitards on Yahoo Answers.

• 
  The Books&Authors section has been completely inundated with Twishit.
• 
  Twitard reaction to its favorite book being mentioned.
• 
  You don't get much more pathetic than this.
• 
  And his fangirls too.
• 
  ...I have no words for this level of stupidity and ignorance.
• 
  He thinks werewolves did 9/11.
• 
  TWILIGHT IS SERIOUS BUSINESS.

Twitards on DevianTART

	“	And it isn't as if Stephen King would know anything about romance, unless of course he is a famous romance author who's made over two million dollars in one night with the release if just one book	„
	—Toffumuffin, butthurting.

Twitards on DevianTART are not as batshit insane as the YouTube Twitards but they are just as lulzy. Antis are easy to find on this site on Anti stamps, here is one of the many places lulz are generated by these mentally retarded 12 year old girls.

Twitards on Deviantart are known for their shitty art that depends on photoshop to make it seem a little less shitty. Unlike on youtube, where twitards resort to name calling, assumptions and insults whenever someone doesn't like their precious porn, twitards on deviantart will often make a failed attempt at being intelligent and defend their precious Edward at any cost, including but not limited to, Edward being excused from telling Bella to get the fuck back in the kitchen, because he was "protecting Bella" from nonexistent threats since anywhere outside the kitchen and the safety of his own home - the home of a vampire that already threatened to kill her, and one that already tried to - is dangerous. Often they will cite bullshit, such as Christianity, to help keep themselves in denial, and support their woeful argument that Twilight is a good book. Unlike youtube fans, DA twitards also pretend to be internet tough guys.

SaveTwilight

Guess who has no life?

Some butthurt Twitards on DevianTART decided to make a little club to pat their sore asses and to flame people who didn't agree with them that Twilight was the best dildo replacement ever. Of course, this club is made of fail.

• Here's the link to the journal of the founder: link

Also here are the people that were to become members (take note their usernames):

• OMEdwardCullen: Founder of the club.
• EC-LoVeR
• awroxz13
• edwardslife01
• XJenniferCullenX
• cullenfanpire
• iheartemmett
• FangedPrincess
• FoververTwilight1

Of course, like any tartlet that has ever made a journal claiming to have quit DeviantART. OMEdward Cullen is back with her usual faggotry. Her record? About two days or so. She has also yet to realize that the only thing her "future husband" Robert Pattinson hates more than Twilight itself is twitards like her.

• 
  On the second page in the Customization > Icons > Avatar section, for most popular avatars of all time in DA
• 
  Toffumuffin is one of the most vocal Twitards on DevianTART. Plz troll.
• 
  A tracer traced a tracer?
• 
  Twitards being twitards? Nope, not news at all.
• 
  Doing the only thing twitards can do; failing.
• 
  How intellectual.
• 
  OMEdwardCullen being retarded.
• 
  Owned with TL;DR.

Twitards on Jewtube

Twitard and Fundamentalist in a combo of epic fail.

File:Tiwlight.jpg

Twitard doing its typical failing. That's a chick?!

Of course, since Youtube.com is the conglomeration of all things idiotic and maybe some monkeys, twitards dominate youtube, both male and female, along with most idiots that think that their penis will grow bigger if they happen to insult enough people - which is what twitards like to do; Youtube twitards will often have Edward Cullen's face as their youtube, make five videos proclaiming their love for Edward Cullen or/and Jacob Black and then tell you you have no life for thinking they're too obsessed with a fictional character. As shown above, twitards often resort to unlulzy trolling and frothing at the mouth once they realize what idiots they have made out of themselves, only to make themselves look even more like the prostatots that they are.

	“	Haters Get A Dick In Your Life And Have Fun.	„
	—sheilalover13, on irony.

	“	Please faggot, get over your stupid fantasies of Edward. You're so fucking hideous and nasty looking that you can't get laid so you put all your hate towards Edward. You're such a pathetic loser.	„
	—moonlight9283

	“	lchican0326 just loves to hate Twilight like a Hitler loving Nazi. She must get it from her ancestors that supported Stalin.	„
	—moonlight9283, on failing History.

	“	how the crap would you even know oh does that tick you off well what if you wrote a book and you watched a video like this would that make you mad P.S ITS HER NAME you cant tell just because of her name P.S.S YOUVE NEVER READ THE BOOK so dont think you now it all P.S.S.S who told you it sucked	„
	—jojobug3556, on criticism.

	“	just shut up... please! save ur self all the dumd excuses and go read harry potter or something!! Twilight is to good for you!!!	„
	—PHHSgrl109

	“	You do not seem prepared to record! ever heard of rehersing? You cannot judge a book by its cover! so, when you are prepared to record a video contact everyone. Who the heck is Mary Sue, and NOONE CARES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !	„
	—EdibleArtBella

	“	UM... ok you read breaking dawn, or so you said in another video... if u got the "it sukz" idea from the 1st one why would you continue the series! U sound pretty smart, save ur self the time and the haters, go to college write ur own "PERFECT" book and leave twilight and the whole saga alone! Thank you! Team Edward!	„
	—PHHSgrl109

	“	die in hell next to bella, edward is not real i know that, but u and that show have no right 2 make fun of twilight, u guys are low life freaks, die in hell, im sorry, i dont wait to sink down to ur low life level, fool!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!*MIDDLE FINGER*	„
	—bellacandieinhell, on being coherent.

	“	Oh and twilight rules the world. i think a lot more people agree with me.	„
	—callierocks6, on 12 year old girls.

	“	Well I LOVE THE Twilight SERIES and thank you for your video it reminds me that rude, IMMATURE and mean people still exist ! Thanks :)	„
	—Mahe34, on hypocrisy.

	“	dee-dee-dee! can you say douche bag?	„
	—REREchiqk101, on differing opinions.

	“	TWILIGHT HATERS SUCK!!!!!!!!	„
	—SuurenderYourSoul

	“	lol and if you hate so much why talk about it?	„
	—SuurenderYourSoul, on freedom of speech.

	“	hey stop fuckin hatin on da amazing book nd yes we might be teens but guess wat?reason why u haters dont like bcuz probably u all dont know how to read nd wtf wat if we are teens ..u hate cuz ure just jelous	„
	—ELSALVIIPRIDEZ, on literature and literacy.

	“	You will force-feed them passages until they love it!	„
	—mysterytwilightvoice, on Nazism.

	“	Edward, aka: God	„
	—mysterytwilightvoice, on blasphemy.

	“	you know what? you look like a fricken retard in your video. everything you said is pretty much a lie! YOU ARE A FRICKIN LOSER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!! you think you are so cool cuz you get good reviews on your video, and that you even posted one in the first place. your just a piece of crap, thats what you are, A PIECE OF CRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAP!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!	„
	—elliecullen1014, BAAWWWWWing.

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SPECIAL MENTION: Moonlight9283

We all know about Nuttymadam, but there are other lolcow Twitards that spend their time commenting on channels and videos rather than making their own.

The most epic of these twitards is Moonlight9283. Having no life of her own, she is completely devoted to Twilight and spends all her time on youtube defending it and Stephenie Meyer against anyone who dares have their own opinion, from which on she will throw a whinefest while she gets a sparkly dildo out of the fridge and proceed to jam it up her ass. Moonlight has multiple personality disorder leading to her making various accounts; phoenixangelgalSUCKS, BIackPawnMovement,TopazEyezOC, NateandBlair4life and various others. Recently Moonlight has been deleted from Jewtube leading to celelbrations all across the world.

She does not care if it is true or false, if she agrees with it or not, she will say whatever she thinks will get her opponents butthurt. After being ignored for a while, Moonlight9283 will get tired and do anything just to get noticed. She likes to make outrageous comments hating on everybody and everything in any possible way in an attempt to get everyone butthurt, and later deletes them her comments, which confirms her multiple personality disorder.

Moonlight constantly makes comments focusing on appearance, whether they are referring to her assumptions about the looks of twilight haters or her personal attacks on someone's appearance. Although this little trolltard has yet to show her face on the internet, we are pretty sure how she looks like.

Despite her claims of not being a troll, Moonlight exposed herself as such after the youtube users on the BPM channel decided to ignore her. Her response was to BAAAAAAWWWWWWWWW!!! and threaten to become an hero. She later returned with the same attitude and faggotry, proving she is, in fact, a troll.

Recently, the BlackPawnMovement has posted a video collecting some of her fail comments.

VdAl7lKHZDs

Moonlight has lately developed a habit of making multiple accounts. Last Thursday she tried really hard to impersonate the Black Pawn Movement by cleverly making a username replacing the "l" in "BlackPawnMovement" with a capital "i." Later that day, she closed all her troll accounts and waited until the anti community was lulled into a false sense of security.

Moonlight9286's trollfest. About missing Pics

• 
  "Worthless lowlifes" sounds awfully familiar...
• 
  Moonlight will not give up until every anti is made aware of how badly she needs to get a life.
• 
  She spends a rather large amount of time on youtube for someone who claims to have a life...
• 
  TwilightHatersRUgly must be stalking Moonlight...

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• 
  Moonlight trolls the BPM channel.
• 
  Moonlight fails at riling up BPM members who appreciate the idea of an opinion.
• 
  Moonlight forgets about her feelings in an attempt to get into the conversation.
• 
  The BPM does not appreciate your faggotry.
• 
  Moonlight: "I NEED YOUR ATTENTION. GIVE IT TO ME NOW!!!!!"
• 
  OMG a new challenger! Who could this BEEEEE?
• 
  NO U
• 
  moonlight9283 and her ghost account
• 
  Hypocrisy at it's finest.
• 
  Moonlight exposes her epic revenge plans...
• 
  ...and she goes back to her usual trolling.
• 
  Moonlight is pwned.
• 
  Poor girl doesn't have any life outside the internet.
• 
  Moonlight is trying to tell us something about her sexual orientation...
• 
  Poor Moonfag.
• 
  This is really getting old.
• 
  In case you needed any more proof that she's a lonely pathetic hag.

Despite her best efforts to get this article edited, all of her whining and trolling only feed the flames of ED. The more she trolls the more this section will grow. So keep trolling, Moonlight! She is even writing an article on the black pawn movement and several of the more active members of the Black Pawn Movement along with the primary writer of this article.

Recently, Moonlight has disappeared briefly only to return with the same behavior. It is the general consensus that she took a break because her hands were sore from fapping to Twishit. The reason why she keeps coming back is pretty clear as well; she has no friends in real life, desperately desires attention, even if it's negative. Unfortunately for her, the BPM members are implicating a very strict troll-starving tactics.

Go back under your bridge, troll!

The Black Pawn Movement

Twitards discovering that not everyone loves their favorite book.

A few antis were bored and wanted to poke fun at rabid twitards, so they invented the Black Pawn Movement youtube account, where they found videos of twitards throwing whine fests and made fun of them, so that the twitards would continue making more whine-fests:

The video that started it all for the lulz.

	“	im not emo actually i have no label it's pathetic to have one. and my IQ is 58 and to prove it just as you said HAD more sales. who's gettin the fuckin sales these days? she is.	„
	—uchisu099

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A shitstorm soon erupted when the BPM riffed the video of viperwhore's little twitard sister, and thus she did a complete backlash against the BMP calling them Nazis and insulting their pesonal lives, instead of apologizing for her sister being an immature brat. Read more about it in the Viperwhore article.

Violent Twitard Behavior IRL

Some say that twitards are a different species of human, more closely related to piranhas. This is because like piranhas, twitards like to travel in large groups and if they ever hear that you don't stick a picture of Stephenie Meyer on your dildo they will swarm at you like it's the dry season in the amazon river. Even if you happen to be the world's greatest troll you will be quickly overwhelmed by the masses of stupid. Avoid them if you want to keep your temper online and run from them in real life when they approach you with their Twilight books. Twitards have, among other things, keyed trucks, broken people's toes, beat people up with bats, threatened people with switchblades, attempted to drown people, insulted people because of their handicaps, and killed children's pets, just because said people were not dazzled by Edward's disco balls. A complete catalog of Twitard attacks can be found here. The new forums are found here.

Use scrollbar to see the full image

Not completely relevant, but this is on par to being violent.

Twitardism in the media

Twitards displaying their idiocy.

Talk about an invitation to troll.

Congatulations! You've made it this far without committing suicide from teh lulz! Here is your present!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v0rsHwxuMqQ

Heavy breathing, giddy, cow-looking twitard. Yep, thats what they all are.

Nuttymadam, one of the most infamous Twitards on the internets on The Soup, which details her reaction to the trailer of New Moon.

Twitards at Movie Premiere About missing Pics

• 
  The peanut gallery
• 
  Sexy ladies
• 
  Twimoms, middle-age Bellas
• 
  "Autograph my fat rolls, Edward!"

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• 
  "I take this everywhere with me, it makes me look less hideous by comparison"
• 
  Pedobear comes up with some classic disguises.
• 
  A squadron of 12-year-old girls desperately tries to grab a tuft of celebrity chest hair.
• 
  Belugas are big fans of Twilight too. Here we see some sexual assault charges being signed.
• 
  100 internets who anyone who can figure out wtf is happening here. [Answer: Failure, lots of.]
• 
  "See this card? It means I'm a registered sex offender."

Breaking Fail Release Wankfest About missing Pics

• 
  Is that your mom there?
• 
  Can't stop the camwhoring.
• 
• 

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• 
  Pedobear would feel right at home here.
• 
  NO! Not Grandma!
• 
  Asking for it.
• 
• 
  You're looking at the future serial killers.
• 
  Pedobear looking for some loli.
• 
  If only Twilight was that thin.
• 
  This pretty much reinforces every argument that Bella is a self-insert.
• 
  Twitards typically are teen whores.
• 
  That is one fugly cake.
• 
  Twitards getting laid? Does not compute.
• 
  Divorce is imminent.

Stephen King is not amused by your faggotry

You are now aware of the uncanny resemblance between Stephen King and the troll face image.

To further pour salt on the wounds of Twilight fangirls unable to accept the fact that their beloved series is the literary equivalent of a four-year-old's crayon scribblings, Stephen King came out in early 2009 and expressed his distaste for the series' author:

	“	...Stephenie Meyer can’t write worth a darn. She’s not very good."	„
	—Stephen King, telling it like it is

This lulzy and undeniably true quote came by way of an interview that King gave to the US Weekend magazine in late January. The interview covered numerous topics, and eventually found its way to Harry Potter and Twilight. Naturally, being averse to all forms of logic, truth, and good taste, this statement enraged the armies of Twilight fans around the internet, creating all sorts of delicious drama and fangirl tears.

On March 6th, USA Weekend put up a poll on their site in response to the internet shitstorm that came about as a result of their interview with Stephen King to find out which author of the three (King, Rowling and Meyer) truly was the best. Here's the Poll. As of now King is dominating the poles with over 69% of the vote, Rowling holds at least 24% leaving Stephenie Meyer, who supposedly was the newest thing and was leaving old authors like King in the dust, with only 5%. Some argue that this is because King is a brilliant writer and Meyer is a blabbering dipshit. Some might also say he is better because he has written many types of stories like horror, drama etc. Many of them became major motion pictures and have stood the test of time (Shawshank Redemption is widely regarded one of the greatest movies of all time). Where as Stephanie Meyer only has the one franchise that will be forgotten in a few short years (we hope).

Extra, Read All About It

Turns out, three fans have established an "unofficial" convention called TwiCon (http://www.twicon.org) in Dallas, Texas. They're asking for $225 to attend. Oh, and you also have to be 18 years old. If you're not, you must have "a registered,accompanying adult over the age of 21 attend the conference with you." I sure as fuck don't know what the hell this so called conference is, but it sure as hell won't be anything like a real one.

Twitards at Comic-con

	“	comic con? but i luv twilight so i'm sure you're wrong	„
	—teamtaylorlautner13, on Gaiaonline not knowing the fuck she's talking about.

Much to the dismay of weeaboos everywhere, Twilight got it's own panel at Comic-con, despite an emo fad having nothing to do with, you know, actual comics. This probably happened because the makers of Twicon were not letting anyone under 18 in without someone over 21 accompanying them, when no one over 21 would ever want to go. Oh, and the cashcow worthy hefty pricetag, that too.

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LOOOOONG LINES ARE LOOOOONG. About missing Pics

• 
  KStew going neener-neener to twitards.
• 
  Yep, still camwhoring.
• 
  Drove all the way from Arizona. Note the tent.
• 
  long Twi-line is long.

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• 
• 
  Who is here for, actual comics?
• 
  And you thought disneyworld was bad.
• 
  More like Line-Con amirite?
• 
• 
• 
  Yeah, they're that insane..

Twimoms

Proof Twimoms neglect their kids.

WHAT HAS BEEN SEEN CANNOT BE UNSEEN.

Twimoms are a special kind of twitard. You can't blame 12 year old girls for behaving like drooling piranhas out of water because that's what they are by definition. However there are no excuses for these fat whores and sexually-frustrated useless housewives that are twimoms. You can usually spot a twimom because at first they may seem more mature than regular twitards, but when you tell them what you think of Twilight they will get butthurt, call you an immature brat, and tell you you're too young to understand Twilight, despite the fact that Twilight is mostly enjoyed by prostatots, just because you don't like their soft-core porn. Twimoms are far worse than regular twitards because they have all the idiocy and immaturity of a regular twitard, except 10-30 years older (which isn't such a big deal until you realize they're masturbating to teenagers) and have more Rule 34.

You would think that on the Twimom forums, the women would be more open to criticism on the book. However if you dare say anything that doesn't kiss the ass of a fictional character you will be b& in approximately 1.079 seconds. You have to wonder if middle aged men calling themselves TwiDads would be so successful in being disgusting ephebophiles like these Twimoms, however society is full of double standards. Being a pathetic cretin, a typical Twimom is known to cry about how her family sucks and how she wishes that Edward will come and take her away from her "OMG so not speshulllll!!1!" husband and kids. She also enjoys naming her offspring after the characters, thus scarring her pitifull spawn for it's entire miserable existence.

Other than fapping to barely legal boys, Twimoms insist that because Edward is really 107 years old (and thus a pedophile like them), it is perfectly ok to fap to Edward, despite that while the character is 107 years old, the actor is not. Twimom's poor spawn is easy to spot, as they are often emaciated and are forced to wear shirts proclaiming love for Edward. The children also usually have large bags under their eyes because they live day to day in fear of imaginary sparkling vampires and finally reaching the age from where their twimoms will molest them.

Twimoms reviewing Twilight on Amazon and being, well... Twimoms.

Here's the entire page

Cullenism

	“	Edward, sparkling strong Alice, can see what's wrong Emmett, the playful bear Rosalie, makes people stare Jasper, can feel your pain Esme, can get out that stain Carlisle, is the hottest doctor Bella, is the trouble concocter With their powers, hand in hand, in line are three women, and in line are four men. They will not eat, so take their bread, it takes one bite for death to spread.	„
	—Cullenist, on being fucking mental.

• 
  Wtf is this shit?
• 
  Cullenism on Twilight Lexicon
• 
  Actually it would be perfect.

Because apparently being a batshit insane fantard wasn't enough, a small group of twitards decided to start a fucking religion based on Twilight. You would think it is just a joke but apparently you can get banned from some Twilight forums if you make fun of Cullenists. Obviously funded by mainly 12 year old girls and maybe some Twimom whose husband hasn't found out she likes it in the ass yet or is too busy raping the neglected kids, Cullenism is the epitome of everything Meyer's atrocious writing fucked up already fucked up teenage girls. Cullenists have come together appreciate the values and ideals represented by the Twilight series and generally be complete whackjobs. To join this failure of a cult, you must believe:

• Edward and the rest of the Twilight characters are real.
• Stephenie Meyer is the (or one of the) best author(s).
• The twilight series should be worshiped.
• If you are good in life, you will be bless with eternity with the Cullens, if you are bad in life, you will be sent to James’ cave.

Here's the DeviantART account for them.

Trolling, RP style

A twitard's car

A recently emerging and wildly successful method of trolling is infiltration of RP circles. Chatrooms are best as they provide instant reaction to your actions, but forums will do in a pinch as well.

This method is easy enough; Open RPGs (Such as those set in bars or other places of the sort) are incredibly easy, and require no attempts to actually roleplay anything other than your murder of Edward, Bella, or Jacob. This requires some very basic-level proficiency with a keyboard. There are several ways to do it; The longer you can draw it out, the more butthurt and lulz you can get from Twitards. It lasts as long as you keep your enemy alive, or until you get kicked by a mod.

Your character is Dante the Vampire Hunter. You should simply have your character refer to himself as Dante, however. If Twitards even catch a whiff of danger to Edward they'll get your ass banned. You have to do it at the right time. As anyone who roleplays knows, you have to play by the rules to be convincing, so you have to know what you can and cant do. As for weapons, keep them blessed silver. Kills both Vampires and Werewolves. The CO2 gun is pretty much a paintball gun with a drum-fed chain of silver or wooden bolts. Its a stake/silver bullet machine gun. Simple stuff. You're also a Dhampir. Don't reveal this though as, being retards, Twilight fans will ask what that is. Since you probably have better things to do than look it up or watch decent films like Vampire Hunter D or Blade, a Dhampir is a half-vampire. They are as strong, fast, and aware as vampires, but with no weaknesses Vampires have. Basically that means they own you. If you do say you are one, say it immediately when one of your moves is challenged by someone saying Edward is stronger than you. Note this WILL happen if you tangle yourself into a fight scene. Oh, and one more thing; As soon as one of your enemies grabs you, make their hand start blistering and burning. Then mention how Dante coats his skin and clothes in blessed silver powder. Twitards will get a kick out of that, in the form of extra-strength butthurt.

A good opening statement for chatrooms would be something like:

“	A tall, lithe figure glides into the room; He is unnervingly silent, but with a friendly, yet mysterious demeanor. He brushes his long, silver hair behind his shoulder, revealing a rigged CO2 gun with a metal barrel slung beneath, as well as a sharp, attractive jawline. His black cloak wraps about him as he strides across the room and takes a seat at the *insert where he sits*	„

This should be enough to arouse some interest from the twilight fangirls in the area. If you are not in a place indoors, make it similar. You get the picture. Your character should work his way towards gradually locating/drawing out one of the three targets; Bella, Edward, or Jacob. Being Twitards, there will inevitably be one person roleplaying one of these three; if there is not, one will immediately start. Once the location of the mark is established, you have one of two choices:

• 1: Brandish your weapons and open fire on them.
• 2: Attempt to make out with them, but only male characters. Seriously.

With method one, you can either break the rules, or follow them. Standard RP etiquette dictates no instant-kills with no chance for your enemy to block. If you follow the rules, your character can throw a silver knife, shoot at him, etc, but not instantly kill him (This will cause a huge fight scene, which will cause the observing twitards to say some fairly bizarre things, and generate a lot of lulz). If you want to cause instant butthurt and lulz, just say you shoot Edward/Bella/Jacob with your airgun, hitting them in the heart and instantly killing them. Screenshot like crazy until you get kicked.

“	"Your days are over!" Dante whips out his air gun and fires a volley of silver bolts at Jacob, one of which pierces straight through his sternum. Jacob's lifeless corpse collapses on the floor, spasms a few times, and falls limp, his soul expelled by the silver.	„

With method 2, you have the chance to land some extremely delicious super-butthurt. You stand a chance of failure, however. As long as it is a female controlling the Edward/Jacob character, you will probably succeed with your make-out attempt. At this point, you should stab Edward/Jacob in the back.

“	Dante slowly wraps his arms around Edward, and suddenly, a wooden stake extends from Dante's left sleeve. Dante snatches it with his right hand and plunges it into Edward's back, staking him, and thus killing him.	„

Your fail comes into play if Edward is being RP'd by a guy, who is RPing as Edward to make the fangirl audience fall in love with him, since he cant get them to do it any other way. He will refuse the makeout scene and the supsequent sappin'. See the instructions for Method 1.

A nearly unavoidable situation, should you choose to follow the rules, is a drawn out fight scene, in which you should god-mod as much as possible, making Dante untouchable to the skin through use of silver powder on his clothes and skin, making sure to point out that he is a Dhampir which is just as strong and fast as Edward, and generally just doing all other manner of things to completely throw the fight. If others accuse you of god-modding, just say that as a vampire hunter your character goes into these confrontations 100% prepared.

A good coup de grace is for Dante to reveal during or after a fight/murder of Edward that he is Edward's first son and that Edward has been playing the ladies left and right for as long as he can remember (A couple hundred years). Implying Edward is a man-whore will cause all twitards in the area to suddenly blow a gasket.

LORE FACTS TO HELP YOU:

• Vampires are burned by silver. Blessed silver is even worse. Use throwing knives or, if you want to completely piss off twitards, shurikens. Why this pisses them off is unclear. Maybe they hate ninjas?
• Werewolves do not have to be hit in the heart to kill them- a shot to the torso or brain with a silver bolt will do the trick.
• Holy water will burn Vampires wherever it hits. Maybe equip Dante with a little spray bottle of the stuff. Get creative.
• People born on Saturdays (being the sabbath) can see vampires when normal people cannot. Useful for those tricky invisible/mist vampires.
• Vampires are said to have OCD where they have the need to count things. Most popular variation is seeds that are thrown at them. This will stun and confuse twifags momentarily.
• Be sure to use every real vampire/werewolf fact you can with one exception- sunlight. Using sunlight to help you will just get you into a non-lulzy tl;dr battle about the fact that sunlight just makes them sparkle. Other than that, using real vampire lore will piss off Twitards to no end.

At any point during this plan, you risk being banned or kicked. That shouldn't stop you though. Just be sure to screenshot good moments.

Twitard Communities

Twilighters.org is known to house the most obsessive twitards.

Don't do this

	“	You aren't alone, I went through the same thing! However, [my post-Twilight depression] was a mixture of two different reasons. One being the fact that Twilight was finished...knowing there wouldn't be any other books is a really hard concept to grasp. I miss the characters! Second was realizing Edward Cullen wasn't real!! Knowing that there are no men in the world who are actually as amazingly wonderful as Edward. This coming from a girl that's engaged may seem a little odd..so don't get me wrong - I LOVE my fiance! It's just saddening to know that my guy (nor any guy except for Edward) isn't "perfect."	„
	—Cullenlover84, twilight20somethingsforums.com

Twilight fans who can't get enough of Edward and the other meyerpires of Twilight often resort to having intelligent conversations on the many fan forums that scatter the internets. It should be noted that while these forums strictly enforce Natzism and worship Stalin they can also be a source of epic lulz. Trolling is strictly forbidden and if caught you will be banned immediately.

Each of the many fan forums are housing to OVER 9000 twitards and it has been proven that if you wish to generate a lulzy effect of any sort you should probably attack edward for maximum butthurt. Although Twitards are seemingly unaffected by logical attacks that are truth it is best to use fact. Point out any of the following for lulz:

1. Edward does not actually exist but is a made up character based on a wet dream of Stephenie's.
2. While twitards commonly believe Stephenie is the greatest author alive she was ranked third in a poll between her, JK rowling, and Stephen King.
3. Tell them that most people are opposed and disgusted by the idea of necrophilia.
4. Real vampires do not sparkle, only gay ones do.
5. Robert Pattinson leaked Midnight Sun because he would rather die by fire than be involved with Twilight any longer.
6. Tell them that Twilight is the literary equivalency of a prom night dumpster baby.
7. Tell them that as you type this you're friend is burning a Twilight book
8. That Stephenie Meyer is indeed going to kill Edward off in the end
9. Tell them that Robert Pattinson does not date Twilight fans

As we all know when it comes time for a Twitard to respond to a statement made against them and their precious Twilight they ignore all logic and often respond with personal attacks. Twitards are of a lesser human species and scientists believe that they have not yet developed the traits to function amongst us normal human beings. They often attack in groups because they believe that this is the only way they can defeat opposing forces. Little do they know that anon cannot be defeated EVER!

SPECIAL MENTION: Pel

Laura Byrne-Cristiano, aka Pel is a 42 year old moderator of the Twilight Lexicon forums whose head is so far up her ass she can see Rush Limbaugh. While most twifans on the Lexicon are polite to antis, Pel is notorious for being the only one who likes to BAAWWWing and shoving her fat ass into threads, screaming FUCK YOU LEEVE THIS SITE EEMEEDEEUHTLEEY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!111appleeleven!!!!!!!!!@!!!!!!!!!sparkle!Q@#". Her stance with joining antis is that they are welcome and that debate is allowed until they make a fool out of her and her twitard arguments from when on the antis will be b& and classified as trolls. Of course, she is only following site rules, which in TL;DR terms is Twilight and its characters are perfect and not at all Mary Sueish. You're allowed to dislike parts of the book, just don't you dare mention it here. If you do so I will banhammer you because I know the book is shit but since I can't defend it you are just a troll. Pel particularly gets butthurt when it comes to anti posts contaminating her forum dedicated to kissing Meyer's ass. One anti made a thread making her points on why Edward is a fucking cunt, but since Pel can't argue worth shit, all she did was send a private message to such anti making a bawwwfest that translated to OMG IF U DUN AGRI DAT TWILIGHT IS PURFEKT LEAAVE!11 NO1 CARES WAAAHHHH! A whambulance has yet to arrive.

• 
  What she copy-pastas on every anti introduction thread.
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  TL;DR: Complicated bullshit.
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  Pel's asshat PM to an anti's thread explaining Edward's issues.
• 
  MILK THAT CASHCOW!

Gallery of Fail

show this to the fans for some lulz

Gallery About missing Pics

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  Wat
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  Arguing with a Twitard.
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  Why twitards exist. OH EXPLOITABLE
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  Someone call fucking Dateline.

[Collapse GalleryExpand Gallery]

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  Faved over a thousand times by tartlets.
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  UHHMAZING BUUUK.
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  Jealous of her art? What art?
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  Mary-sue for a Mary-sue fiction?
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  Defending Meyer's mormon vampires.
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  Because all girls like Twilight.
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  More youtube twitard behavior.
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  Awwwwright.
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  Twimom's room before and after Twilight.
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  "This product should be shaken before use to represent the blending of the human and vampire worlds ..."
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  Twitard response to Stephen King's comment.
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  Proof twitards have no idea what they're talking about.
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  Sodahead is also full of twitards.
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  Tartlet twitards putting up the usual excuse.
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  BAAWWW
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  That doesn't leave much room open..
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  Wait until /v/ gets a hold of this.
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  Clearly this twitard is only 12.
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  Click to check out the faggotry.
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  He deserved to die for being ugly? Yep, that's a Twitard alright.
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  Robert Pattinson is not amused by Twimoms.
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  FUUUUUUU
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  What a fugly tattoo.
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  Twilight will help your daughter know the difference between stalking and true love!
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  Google agrees twimoms are creepy.
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  Twilight fans are...
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  Male Twitards in love with Bella Sue? Better believe it.
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  Figures.
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  The last 2 differ from retard to retard...
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  ...Is that what I think it is?
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  He's still underage you pedophiles.

See Also

• 12 year old girls
• 16 year old girls
• Anti-Twilight Movement, the
• Crypt-creeper
• Daylight
• Eddward4eva
• Fantard
• Fucktard
• Her-dark-prince
• Highgate Vampire, the - innocent creature of the night, persecuted by two villains
• Lulz
• Nuttymadam
• Pedophile
• Retard
• Roberts, Lindsey
• Twilight
• TwilightSucks

External Links

• Cullenists-Unite
• PEDO PEDO PEDO PEDO
• Twimoms website
• Cullenism Wiki Raided by antis.
• Known to house some of the more obsessive twitards.
• Vampire rumors haunt Lake Stevens
• How Twilight is Destroying America and Harming Our Nation's Youth
• Dumped for a fictional character.
• Boy Bites 11 Classmates
• Lulzy Twitard Quotes
• Cullenism at Facebook
• Twimoms are sick fucks.
• Proof that all Twilight fanboys are fags. "BITCH IS PREGGERS"
• Jennifer Love Hewitt: “There is not a girl in the world who’s not Team Edward! Have you met girls who are not Team Edward? Well, they are not girls! They’re aliens from another planet who should not be allowed to exist.”
• 220 pages of fangirls defending Edward's name
• Book funeral. Lolwut? PRIVATE VIDEO, DO NOT STEAL
• A fan's touching movie about the time Edward and Jacob drank nasty milk and then had an orgy.
• An average Twilight fan.
• Not really a Twilight fan, but just as moronic as the average Twitard.
• Dating a twitard.
• Twitards learning about Twilightsucks.com. Lulz ensued.
• Twilight on Conservapedia
• Twitards admit to being violent
• Twitards discuss their severe depression after finishing the series.
• DWN WITH TWILIGHT HATERS!! petition. Yes, it's really as retarded as it sounds.
• [email protected]: E-mail of another typical twitard. She thinks she's going to meet and get married to Robert Pattinson. Her name is Emily Jones.
• 87+ pages of twimoms neglecting their kids
• Twilight fan cliffdives where Bella did.
• Twi-Hard Tattoo Gallery
• Cullenists on Twifans.com
• Pattinson Fans Attack Harry Potter Star
• Twilight-themed cruse. Anyone up for pirating?
• TheVolturiMilitia