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User:Günter/Chris-chan (baleeted shit)
Chris and health
As you've probably seen from the pictures above Chris is a fat sack of shit but shockingly he didn't always have man tits; only after turning eighteen did he start gaining weight.
Chris's exercise
For years, he hasn't had any real exercise (aside from screaming). As a result, he has pencil thin legs and scrawny arms. Fun fact: A video he made trying the show he can do pull ups shows him struggling to do one. Chris also makes things seem much heavier than they actually are, saying that a box of twelve cans is 50 pounds and he also said his dog house had to of weighed 5-10 tons. Either Chris is terrible at math or that dog house was filled with lead bricks.
Chris in denial
Chris generally believes he is "fit as a fiddle". When confronted by Matt in the infamous "Father Call" about his obesity Chris simply said "I could be healthier". In the same call he gets mad at Matt for saying he was lazy. Matt then pointed out that Chris is ALMOST 30 YEARS OLD, DOES NOT HAVE A JOB, AND LIVES WITH HIS PARENTS. Chris responded saying he does work around his house, which is complete bullshit as seen in his house tour.
Chris-chan and Morals
After seeing a hilarious episode of Family Guy, where Chris-chan didn't get that he was being parodied for his moralfaggotry, he decided to share his hatred of the gays with the Holy Bible. To do this, he quoted the book of Leviticus, which is the biblical equivalent of goatse, which reinforces how men should not engage in buttsecks lest they be smited to the pits of hell to be raped by the Devil and his minions for eternity (and also that men cannot shave, wear underwear with elastic straps, or crossbreed animals). Chris obviously didn't get the joke from the funny episode. He didn't realize that the character Stewie is just like him in one sense; they are both closet cases.
—Chris, in the process of being both. | ||
Unbeknownst to Chris, prolific hater of all things not Christian, 89% percent of the users trolling Chris-chan are Muslims. In another blow to Chris's moral credibility, he also decided to pick up a book on how to talk to the opposite sex...written by a 9-year-old boy. As the kid wrote it on how to talk to girls of his age, party vans descending on Ruckersville are imminent.
So, in other words: ChrisChan, the most obvious closetcase in all of Virginia, still thinks he is a glorious crusader against the filthy, filthy homos and their filthy, filthy ways, while accidentally being a dang pedofork.
Chris and His Ego
There are many examples of Chris' huge ego, which is astronomically big, seen throughout his comics, his actions IRL, and in his videos. His extreme narcissism is most likely a cover-up for his micropenis. Here are just a few examples of his self-delusion at work:
- Chris thought his birthday should be celebrated nation-wide.
- Before Chris got banned from The GAMe PLACe he would lug in his PS3 and plug it into the flat screen and use it for hours (probably watching gay porn). He would also sing to Britney Spears songs. Finally, the owner had enough of his shit after Chris screamed at a black kid and promptly kicked his ass out. Chris attempted to get unbanned with many cunning and well-planned tricks (getting his parents to try to change the owner's mind) but all failed.
- Chris thinks he has over 9000 fans when in actuality he probably has 3 at the most; the rest are trolls.
Sex Life
His "sex life" - if you could even call it that - includes, among other strange phenomena, fucking an anime blow-up doll and screaming "JULAAAY!" at the top of his lungs.
—Chris-chan, on sticking things up his butthole. | ||
In both his videos and comics, he has shown contempt towards gays, constantly rambling on about how homosexuality is bad, and repeatedly stating that he is not gay, being that he owns a dildo and anal beads and rambles on about sticking things in his ass while he masturbates. In his list of people he would not date, he lists autistics, high functioning or otherwise. Thus, Chris is also a self-loathing flaming faggot trying desperately to stay in the closet. And we all know homophobes are closeted gays themselves.
Chris appears to be stuck in a strange, child-like mentality where he feels guilty when discussing sex. Because of this, he is forced to use different words, like "pickle" and "duck" for dick, "hanky-panky" for sex, "boyfriend-free" for single, among other things. He started buying sex toys and porno videos back in 2006, and when discussing sex with other people (specifically Megan and a recent troll), he goes into intimate, almost scientific or educational detail. When Megan claimed to be uncomfortable with Chris discussing sex, Chris goes into full detail of how a handjob works and that he has learned everything he knows from pornography.
In recent audio recordings, we have discovered a lot about Chris's sexuality. Namely, he thinks that gender stereotypes, dirty talk, and cheesy lines like, "This might hurt a bit at first" are part of actual sex. One of the audio recordings has him describing his ideal "first time", which is intricate, overly dramatic and mildly retarded. This and many other disturbing things can be read here.
Really, Really Gross Videos
- Chris drinks his jizz for Ivy! (Bon appetit!)
- Spank dat ass!
- Chrissy in the shower! (Filmed on location at Jigsaws place.)
- Chris goes insane nude
- Chris makes love to his video game console!
- Chris reveals his feminine side!
- Watch Chris masturbate. No, srsly don't do it.
- Fap-fap-fap
Autistics Hate Chris-Chan
Previous Video | Next Video
Numerous other highly-functioning autists on YouTube have taken a vociferous dislike towards our beloved manbaby, seeing in him a dark reflection of their own failings and faggotry. Realizing that they have frighteningly more in common with Chris-Chan than they'd like to admit and not wanting to feel the big thorny cock of the trolls pressing up against their own virgin lolcow assholes, these spergbuckets fall over one another in their attempts to distance themselves from the esteemed mayor of Cwcville, making shitty rant videos about Chris-chan and how much better than him they are, claiming that he is giving autism a bad name.
Of course, this is something of a logical fallacy which their stunted autistic minds are unable to grasp, as Chris-chan's behaviour in no way affects them and their behaviour, they cannot use Chris as a scapegoat or an excuse for their own faggotry.
PROTIP: If you are reading this article right now and feel the urge to make a YouTube rant about Chris-chan, please, take ED's advice and DON'T.
Chris-chan Subpage Navigation [Click to Open] |
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