User:Bobinator/Biohacking
Biohackers are a 1337 variant of hacker who test out their warez on their bodies. Their movement includes such wonderful new jargon such as "Grinders" to add to the namespace of Hackers, Crackers, and Phreaks.
Biohackers believe that their movement and the greater movements it ties to are recent in conception and they were the ones to invent it, but traces of Transhumanism can actually be found even at the far, nascent fringes of the human record:
- religion, for example Judaism's superior Metatron
- pretty much all superhero comics
- any fantasy novel or game
- any cult that promises people the ability to be elitist just as long as they pay money.
For this reason, when you find yourself advertised "Group-buys" by the sysops at [Biohack.me] or when the sysops simply ask you for monetary donations, know that most of that money is going toward them, they don't even believe half of the sci-fi shit that they say, and it's rumored that every sysop on that website is really just a troll who's taking advantage of the delusions of others in order to find money and sell pointless shit like finger magnets and smart pills.
Grinders
The field of Grinding isn't understood by most. Grinders are more hardcore than regular hackers and will cut themselves open to implant their signature technologies to show their devotion for a cyborg future, and are currently engaged in top tier research to further their technologies to solve many of the problems that our world face today.
Many of the users on "Grinding" forums however make vainglorious attempts to sound educated and rather fall short. By consequence, be prepared to come across many pseudo-intellectuals who'll try to convince you that they understand Model Theory more than anyone you'd ever meet because they've read through a Simple-English Wikipedia page on it.
Tough issues tackled by Grinders:
- Death: Extending human lifespans through cryogenics and gene-modding
- Social Liberation: Allowing people to have the freedom to hack their own bodies without the Government telling them what to do.
- Super-abilities: Increasing ESP by adding a sixth sense, which can only be obtained by cutting your own fingers open and putting a Hard Drive Magnet inside the wound and allowing it to heal. This operation allows you to transiently detect EM fields using your natural nervous system in combination to magnets.
- Disparity: Increasing human intelligence through the use of nootropic drugs.
- Genetic Cleansing: Improving on the mistakes made in the human genome by creating a superior cybernetic race of humans.
- The average grinder sysop is a twentysomething with an undergrad degree in Computer Science or Biology.
- There apparently ARE some women involved, but many of these "women" complain about the mandatory gender radio button on Biohack.me's signup page. It's actually believed that these female users are probably just anticis looking for a movement that'll accept their new transgendered role. (See Transhumanism)
Implants (Things You Can Buy from "Biohackers")
Getting an implant is possibly the most key part to being accepted as a biohacker. There are many options to choose from, and they range from single bar magnets, to implantable development boards that record your vital signs and alert you when your internal temperature is over 98.7F, just incase you can't already tell that you have a fever.
Circadia (ARM based Operating System)
- "Ever want to be notified that you're sick before you can even tell that yourself? Ever want to cut your arm in half and put your IPhone inside? Holy shit man this is like Ghost in The Shell!"
A Linux/Windows supported invention formed from GrindHouse Studios, and once you easily implant the modestly sized, sharp edged chunk in your arm, it's a full system on a PCB board that allows you to monitor your body's change in temperature from a command line.
The typical size of Circadia measures to the exact form-factor of a IPhone 4S (all of that just to record your temperature), and it comes with a rechargeable Li-Ion battery included that refuels when you wave a magnet over your arm. The Li-Ion battery is guaranteed 300 full charge cycles, though by that point you would have already partially charged it Over 9000 times and would spoil the battery in a manner of weeks. This means that you would have to get corrective surgery to remove the device to insert a new battery.
The great news is that although any surgeon who implanted Circadia would lose his medical license and barred from practicing surgery, it's HOWEVER legally kosher for a professional surgeon to remove Circadia and you should have little trouble finding a professional surgeon who's willing to excise the large rectangle from beneath your skin.
When being removed, you may encounter questions about your own state of mind when you made the intelligent decision to implant Circadia in the first place, as well as strawman legal action against the person who agreed to implant it, as it's actually illegal for any medical practitioner to put Circadia in a patient's arm.
Facts:
- The guy who implanted Circadia, Tim Cannon, had to quickly get it removed, as it began to cause an infection in his forearm that was eating away at his bone.
- To this day he's been known to block people on YouTube from commenting on his profile (Usually to call him an idiot for doing this), lash out by calling people faggots, as well as on the Biohack.me forum who remind him of this failure and fails to admit that his "Five Minutes of Fame" on Vice was simply a tongue and cheek way of Vice making fun of his "silicone infused" implant and showing the world that yes, people like this actually exist.
How to Troll Tim Cannon
- Make fun of his implant
- Ask him a question like "Why not just use a thermometer"
- Ask him his age then immediately ask him about his transhumanist beliefs
- Ask him if he believes half of the shit he says
- Disagree with him
- Suggest humor against his implant
- Remind him that his implant was a terrible idea
- Remind him that Li-Ion batteries have a fixed charge cycle rate and all implants will eventually need to be removed.
- Pretend to give a shit about his implant then quickly insult it once his guard is dropped.
- Register on the Biohack.me forum and do the above suggestion
- Ask him how much he understands about Electrical Engineering
- Ask him how much he understands about Biology
- Ask him to shave, and suggest that he doesn't deserve his beard