User:Anwar Sadat's Horny Ghost/Edward Snowden

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Edward Snowden was an insane paultard and a highschool dropout who tried to undermine US security under the guise of protecting freedom. He fabricated the entire "PRISM" scandal and ruined his life to leak docs on programs that everyone who cares knew about two years ago.

Background

Edward Snowden led a distinguished career, dropping out of high school, community college, regular colleges at least twice, the Army, and the CIA. He was clearly cut out for government employ. Recognizing his ability to fuck everything up, he was hired on with a top secret security clearance making $100,000 a year. But his handlers had no clue of his capacity to fuck things up. He gathered all the information he could lay hands on, and then buggered off under the pretense of treatment for his .

Obama Gets Doxed

Once he got to Hong Kong, he went completely drama llama. He started snitching on all the hijinks Obama Augustus had been up to, bugging things, and stealing stuff, and a whole bunch of other unimportant shit. He failed to grasp that no one except drug dealers and terrorists care if everyone in the world read their emails, and that a dead nigger is far more important. Strangely, Europe seems to be taking the revelation that Obama had bugged their offices, stolen their state secrets, and defiled their grandmothers' virtue rather badly. So bad, in fact, they are threatening to launch a new Cold War against the US. This is perhaps the single most empty threat in the history of international politics, as Obama has his finger on the big red "Fuck Everything Up" nuke button, while most of Europe is trying their hardest to stave off revolution.

Reaction

For a grand total of twenty seconds, the world stood still. NORPs everywhere paused to think about all the child pornography they had emailed throughout the years, and how bad it would look if they were outed. Then the weather report came on, and Snowden was forgotten. Once he became Old meme, China kicked his ass to the curb, and he ran off to Russia, in hopes of escaping to somewhere warm. Ecuador looked promising, until Obama dispatched his lap dog Biden to give the country a stern talking to, at which point Ecuador shaped right up. That left Snowden, hero of libratardians everywhere, shitting in an airport toilet and stealing Starbucks Wi-fi indefinitely. Obama now says he doesn't give two shits about Snowden, indicating he knows there is no punishment worse than being stuck in a Russian airport terminal indefinitely.

Edward and his insane conspiracy ramblings
Edward Snowden is a racist white male who just wants to undermine our black president!
Edward,a typical cisgendered,privileged white male.
Edward Snowden believed he could use his girlish figure to attract lolis.
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