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Tornadoes
Tornadoes are one of God's most awe inspiring punchlines for the joke that is life. Known as the white man's yearly Katrina they spend their days grazing in open fields, filling Weather Channel specials, and killing everything in their path. While tornadoes can occur all over the world they are most commonly found loitering around trailer parks in Kansas, Oklahoma, Iowa, Nebraska and Alabama. Seeing as trailer parks have no resistance to wind the result is usually class-A ruin. After having their mobile homes leveled, GED lacking dumbfucks will often appear on camera to exclaim that they will rebuild their 20,000 dollar death trap. Making no attempt to move to a safer area these individuals are inevitably wrecked 10 years later by yet another twister. Ever since the movie came out starring "Game Over Man" Bill Paxton, foreigners have gained significant tornado-envy and will literally report dust devils as tornadoes. Retards.
Much like Cthulhu, tornadoes are massive towering entities of violent otherworldly destruction that will suck the life out of you. No other force on this planet, including niggers or even Juggalos, can top their ability to inflict death. Imagine something taller than the Empire State Building that can gracefully rape you with anything it happens to come across. Tornadoes are an essential part of the skylines of Oklahoma and Kansas.
Remember when the Americunts said Japan deserved the tsunami??? IT'S PAYBACK TIME!!!!11! That's right, moralfags. Tornadoes are way more badass and dangerous than a tsunami could ever be. Remember this.
The Fajita Scale
The Fajita Scale is a scale used by scientists to rank tornado damage, rather than intensity, since their intensity cannot be fathomed by us mere mortals. The scale is as follows:
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- F12 - Wind speeds in this tornado would be - wait for it - UP TO THE SPEED OF SOUND. This tornado could end the entire world. Picture 9/11, only 200 times worse and ambulatory.
- FU - Look, I just don't wanna talk about it, 'kay?
- Toricane - Sometimes a hurricane just isn't cutting it when it comes to utter devastation and spawns a tornado to help with the job.
- "Water Spout' - A tornado that goes over the water and sucks up fish. Then it dumps the fish in a nearby coastal town. Thanks tornado!
Tornadic High-Scores
2003 Grandmaster Fucked
Total Tornadoes: 401
Total Fatalities: 42
- Two F-4's - Kansas City, Kansas/Missouri/Nevada
KC is a quaint town that insists on being called a city and notable for being straddled on the state lines of two states regarded as complete trash. It is the truck stop of the United States. Unfortunately for its residents not only do they have to reside there but every 10 years a massive swirling vortex of fury blows into town. This literally happens every 10 years. In 2003 the clock struck midnight for this perpetual dust bowl once more and the entire area was lit up faster than Michael Brown. No one was surprised. No one will be surprised when it happens again. Seriously fuck Kansas.
- F-4 - Franklin, KS
After committing vehicular homicide again and accruing 5 wanted stars it was finally time to put this nigga out of his misery. Couldn't find a Pay n Spray in time or a storm shelter. Town completely decimated. Re-spawned a few days later. Experts expect this cycle of mindless violence to continue.
- F-4 - Moore, OK
OH LOOK IT'S THIS TOWN AGAIN. WONDER IF THE THREE TIMES ITS BEEN OBLITERATED WILL CONVINCE ANYONE TO LEAVE. GUESS NOT.
UPDATE: Leveled once more in 2013
May 2007 Tornado Outbreak
Total Tornadoes: 123
Total Fatalities: 14
- F-5: 205 MPH - Greensburg, KS
On May 4th, mother nature decided to zerg rush the middle of fucking nowhere Kansas in the middle of the night. The sneak attack was highly effective as most of the town was fast asleep after spending the day drinking grain alcohol. At around 10:00 PM the tornado proved to the town that there's no place like home by proceeding to killfuck everything in sight of this backwater farming community. The winds of lol managed to obliterate most of downtown before eradicating the town's beloved tourist trap, the world's deepest hand dug well. Eventually the twister leveled 95% of the town and 11 unlucky Kansas citizens. The city of Greensburg, KS technically doesn't exist anymore ever since May 4th, 2007. The few remaining citizens decided it would be a hilarious joke to power the few structures still standing with wind power.
- F-3 - Hopewell & Haviland
Shortly after Greensburg the tornado moved on from teaching the town a valuable lesson. The super cell that spawned it then cruised over to some farmland and dropped an F-3 tornado so it could fill its farm animal blood lust. Feeling content slaughtering countless horses, cows, and a farmer it decided to go murder some pigs.
- F-3 - Macksville
The supercell swiftly blew into Macksville where it decided to be a dirty mack. It angrily yelled FUCK THE POLICE and crushed a cop to death in his own cruiser. Feeling content with its gangsta acts the storm system dissipated rapidly while occasionally letting loose a few F-1/2 for the lols.
Aftermath: The state governor momentarily quit sleeping around and cheating on his wife to declare a state of emergency. In response George W. Bush showed up for a few photo ops and largely repeated his break out Katrina performance of not giving a fuck. No one in the nation cared.
McCain Twisters
Total Tornadoes: 87
Total Fatalities: 56
As a gigantic FuckYou TM to the South for putting the functional retard known as George W. Bush into office and attempting to elect Sarah Palin a massive weather system descended upon the conservative utopia of the confederacy on Super Tuesday to wreck their shit up. The Republican strongholds of Alabama, Missouri, Arkansas, Tennessee, Mississippi, and the lower section of Illinois, that no one fucking likes, were all treated to 15 hours of political reconditioning, between the 5th and 6th of February. During this period ten separate F-3 and F-4 tornadoes quickly went to work making these pissholes their bitch.
- F-4 - Centerville to Highland, AR
Proving that not even the weather fucking likes Arkansas the Shitstain state was the first to be visited by a highly vindictive twister. Said tornado was in it for the long haul and managed to travel 122 miles before getting bored of ripping white trash to shreds. In it's extended tour, longest in Arkansas history, the swirling clouds of death tore through 200 buildings of various zoning and dickslapped thirteen people to death. Many state residents were jealous afterward because the cyclone had only spent two hours in the state before being able to get the fuck out of it.
- Two F-4's - Madison County, TN
The supercells then agreed to focus their efforts on asshat Tennessee; having visited previously. Expecting to be greeted warmly after their whirlwind party in 2004 where they destroyed the city of Jackson's metropolitan downtown they were instead disgusted to find the same boring old buildings fagging the area up. They fixed this by exploding a university, a church, and then drowning three people in a nearby river. Then they quietly retired for the night after their tornabros gave Memphis something to actually feel blue about.
- F-4 - Northern Alabama
Some superstorms then brought their wild party well into the early hours of the 6th and made one last stop in the hick ass region of northern Alabama. Bumpin their wild tunes well into 3 in the morning they made their way across Bama's boring ass country side toward Huntsville, killing five whiny nerds in the process. Upon reaching the city they threw up gang signs and told the city to deal with it before dissipating without causing damage.
Aftermath: All of 12 collective IQ points were removed from society and a lot of mobile homes.
2011: Diary Of A Mad Black Vortex
Total Tornadoes: 355
Total Fatalities: 324
With the previous decade turning out to be a surprise smash the weather gods agreed that an encore was in order. So like any good sequel April 2011 was planned to be bigger, better, and far more explosive. Locations of destruction included fucking everywhere because for far too long the rest of the United States lacked the excitement of 200 mile per hour winds. Alabama bore the brunt of this deadly weather because seriously fuck Alabama when will you faggots understand that god hates you? President Obama stood around looking at where mobile homes used to stand afterward because that's what you do in these situations. Little did the residents of these bumfuck towns realize that the government would not be financing their terrible residential decisions and they were ordered to vacate Walmart at once and fucking move.
Tuscaloosa, AL - April 27th, 2011
Rated a measly 4 on the Fajita scale (while still killing 61 people), this tornado could actually be classified more as a trollnado, with its loopy-schwoopy horizontal vortexes and the fact that it basically only hit the nigger and hillbilly-infested areas of the city, which as it turns out was all of it. Showing its school spirit this twister made a visit to the University of Tuscaloosa where it partied the hardest. Most of the campus was so exhausted afterward they promptly dropped a few hundred feet from the air in exhaustion and died. The F-4 was then suspended from all school activities as discipline for its behavior by the dean. This was not received well and the tornado decided to move on and explore its options backpacking in Europe.
Meanwhile in Birmingham, the largest and worst of the cities in Alabama, an F-5 was tearing up anything fucked enough to be in its path. It's appearance was similar to a black wall of death which is appropriate because no one seemed to assume that it was dangerous. They quickly discovered that it was a bad call on their part before being wiped off the face of the planet. No one got out of the way because the weather channel doesn't broadcast NASCAR. Nothing of value was lost.
Joplin, MO - May 22nd, 2011
Rated a 5 on the Fajita scale, with winds that would curb stomp Hurricane Katrina's ass, this tornado killed 138 people, which is pretty fucking impressive considering this tornado only went through a portion of Joplin. After the tornado was done raping the city, volunteers from all around came to help out, and two of them were struck by lightning in the process, thereby proving the theory that God really hates Joplin with a passion. Seriously even the hospital was completely flattened. No one was going to live through this shit. East Middle School was pretty much torn apart and a few kids were sacrificed to the wind gods.
Other "events" in Missouri that occurred in 2011:
- April 22, 2011: The "Good Friday tornado", an F3, blew out windows at St. Louis International Airport, damaged homes from Berkely, Missouri to Granite City, Illinois. Somehow, no one died, which came as a huge disappointment to the Jews, who were behind the whole thing. The surveillance video located in the terminal managed to capture the entire incident. Absolutely hilarious to watch. Slowly the people inside realize that their flight isn't taking off any time soon before realizing OH FUCK THERE'S A TORNADO OUT THERE. Turns out planes don't fly if you just throw them fast enough.
- December 31, 2010: Tornadoes hits Fenton through Sunset Hills, and North St. Louis. Major damage in Sunset Hills. F2. Tornadoes? In MY December?! It's more likely than you think. Guess they should have learned their lesson from earlier in the year. The YT videos are all "aftermath", meaning BooooRING.
Springfield, MA - June 1st, 2011
Some random, pussy-ass tornado that the Midwest endures daily happened to hit Massachusetts on June 1st of 2011, killing 4 fags. Of course, it gained national attention partly because the area was so cramped with media-controlling Jews and partly because Massachusetts isn't as much of a shithole as the Midwest is.
Oklahoma Tornados -- May 20, 2013
The plains states are a bad place to live. Remember the map up top? It's always been that way. It's why the injuns stuck to following Bison around while living in tents instead of making cheap-ass trailer parks: they didn't want to get their shit flattened out by Mother Nature. You'd think after being turned into a dust bowl back in the 30's due to droughts and having the dust return recently people would put two and two together. No water = dead plants = dust. Dead plants = nothing to stop the fucking winds that cause tornadoes.
Oklahoma bore the brunt of this outbreak. Their cities were laid waste and their live stock robbed of their ability to stand in the middle of roads. Half of their dirt highways were remodeled to include more dirt and less of anything else. People were dead all over the state from the same weather system and the day was hailed as a great tragedy. So when a giant F5 tornado two miles wide whipped through the heart of their state, destroying the capital city and leveling surrounding towns, what did they do? Beg for support from the rest of the USA that had the sense not to stay within Tornado Alley. And they plan to rebuild it all in the exact same place. White folks just don't learn, do they?
Among the wreckage were areas that had been hit multiple times in the past by the same weather phenomena. To no ones surprise Moore, Oklahoma was destroyed, AGAIN. Those people really need to stop pissing in God's cereal. That or get some god damn wind insurance. Wonder if they will try to rebuild again? Probably lol.
Also included in the hordes of annihilated fuckups was a team of storm chasers. At one point these dead-devils actually appeared on a Discovery channel show about their profession where they insisted about how much more "aware" of the weather and "safe" they operated. They were the only team of storm chasers killed that day proving once again that you can brag about your safety as much as you want it's not going to help when an F-5 suddenly shifts direction and erases your existence.
Fortunately these tornadoes occurred in the age of the smart phone so the entire Internet could partake in laughing at these plains dwellers in real time. Hopefully in the future this tactic will be adopted for all natural disasters so they can be mocked endlessly for not living in a safe environment. Scientists have bravely predicted that at some point in the next 5 years these locales will be completely wrecked by another string of storms. It's only a matter of time before you too can get in on reminding mid-westerners to go fuck themselves after a swirling vortex murders half their family again.
The fatass douchebags from the Westboro Baptist Church think God sent the tornadoes because God hates fags. The WBC created a domain "godhatesoklahoma" out of sheer butthurt, but a brave troll hacked the domain and redirected it to the Red Cross instead. Sadly, the domain no longer works, however some tumblrfag wrote about the lulz.
Bonus!! Washington, Illinois -- November 17, 2013
Watch cellphone-waving idiocy at its most beautiful!
Black People and Tornadoes
Unlike whites, black people LOVE this type of weather. Free welfare for everyone!
The Remix Of It
Image Gallery
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Every American street sign EVAR! -
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Horrific footage of the aftermath. Horrible... Just horrible. -
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What Tornadoes are NOT
See also
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