The Onion
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This about the lulzy news agency. For the darknet protocol, see Torpark
The Onion is a satirical newspaper with a presence OTI, and formerly, IRL. It is who all EDiots dream to work for, if they can first escape their basements.
While The Onion can be entertaining, essentially it's the product of frat boys from Madison, Wisconsin who are somewhat aware of the world around them, but who are still fucks who'd never make it in New York if they hadn't started their own newspaper. Within its chosen sphere, The Onion succeeds, but when folks there want to get beyond that range, it fails. See the scene in The Aristocrats where the folks at The Onion get a chance at writing their own version of the epic joke for documentation of these incontrovertible facts. See Madison, Wisconsin to see how basement dwelling they actually are. You have to be pretty pathetic to go from frat boy to basement dweller.
As with old media comedy show Saturday Night Live, everyone reminiscess about a time "when The Onion was funny." The Onion was proven not funny five years ago, or when you were a junior in high school, whichever was longer ago.
The Onion officially failed in 2013 when its Twitter coverage of the Oscars called some nine-year-old 'actress' a cunt, and the editors were too pussy to say "IDIFTL" and published a saccharine apology.
Internets use
Even though The Onion is desperately old meme, there are still people on the internets who don't know that it's not a real newspaper. These people can be effectively trolled by sending them Onion articles. For slightly smarter people, copy-pasting an Onion article into an email or blog post while leaving out identifying information works well.
The canonical example of Onion-trolling occurred when Christian pro-life blogger "Pete", of March Together for Life, ran across an article called "I'm Totally Psyched About This Abortion!" and mistook it for reality. He wrote a ridiculous post about how awful young women are these days and how abortion has created a culture of murder in our country and other serious business.
When people called him on it, he got butthurt and claimed that women really do think that way, and then he tried to claim he did it for the lulz, but eventually he gave up and went back to harassing people about baby-killing.
YouTube channel
As of March 2006 The Onion also has a YouTube channel, which uploads satirical news videos regularly. The actors communicate the news in a really straight-faced manner and in a professional environment, trying to make the viewer believe that they are being serious. The videos uploaded are divided into different shows, all satirizing the shows on regular news channels.
The shows
The different shows on The Onion:
- Today Now - Parody of a typical morning talk-show that submissive soccer moms watch while ironing clothes.
- Onion Sports -Furiously sucking off the Green Bay Packers while making repetitive jokes about Hockey being unpopular and Tim Tebow being shitty.
- O-Span - Exposing the incompetence of real life politicians by acting just as retarded as them.
- Newsroom - The most important news of the day!
- In The Know - Political debate about important topics, such as whether baby-skull jewelry is ok or not.
Even though a fair share - maybe even the majority - of the videos uploaded by The Onion are really boring, there are definitely some gems in there, containing lulz. Hilarity is absolutely sure to ensue, as there is always that retard who believes that the show is for real, and spouts "HURR it is teh politically incorrect!" in the comment section.
Videos
A selection of the better The Onion videos.
Previous Video | Next Video
—Some youtube fag not getting the joke |
AV Club
The Onion's lesbian sister site, which contains todally seriouse reviews of music, television, movies, and books, where sad, depressed wannabe hipsters and fan boys lurk below in the putrid sewers of the comment sections. It's basically Pitchfork except no one evar gets laid, evar (some of them may have wives, but the point still stands). TL;DR it's where every vindictive know it all mouthy nerd who sat around in their youth watching movies and swear they could do better than what they've seen but have turn to reviewing because that's where the ego trip is, much like how a drug fiend loses it all for that one ounce of smack to live for. Unlike their radically satirical cousin, the AV Club are 100% serious in everything they talk about, and are thus 1000% No Lulz and 1000000% Pure Know It All Pedantry.
AV Club's reviews consist of nothing but smearing semen on games they like while they take a hammer to anything that doesn't appease them, unlike, you know, professional analysis and theorem on what gets media to click. Also don't forget the massive amounts of cringe inducing white nerd pedantic faggotry done as if it would extend their penis sizes to where they would "feel like a true man" and a filmy, grease ridden coat of unrelatable unpleasantness from years of sitting in basements, fermenting being socially inept and removed from any genuine human emotion other than snark and pompous arrogance like if it was a craft. You can say that they are much like the in house RedLetterMedia of The Onion. Please note that this is not a compliment.
At least half of the comments contain lucid, thoughtful cultural discourse, and drama is minimal (except one user's trolling of several other users with puppets, and the composition this article). Trolling is easy, and often appears in the form of:
- Saying the American Office is better than the British Office
- Mentioning Animal Collective or any other successful band
- Nitpicking the letter grade in a review
- Examining an interviewee's smugness (if it's a guy) or fuckableness (if it's a laday)
- and making a statement about it
- Saying you like anime and want to discuss cultural and modern day discourse on the subject
- A Falcon
- Also, they still use "For the Win" and firsties and all that other gay faggot crap
There are four notable types of users on the boards:
- The Condescender: a fat gay registered user who posts dissertations on shit no one cares about, like why the upcoming Hollywood remake of Bravestar is going to be terrible. His bachelor's in English/Creative Writing gives him the right to compare everything to what he was forced to read, but didn't finish, in his British Literature to 1800 class. He may claim to have a girlfriend or wife. He is probably you.
- The Ill-of-the-Dead Speaker: a ravenous troll who posts tasteless jokes in RIP blog postings under an unregistered name, usually it's the captcha code or a clever pun, because he's an anonymous pussy.
- Diarrhea of the Fingers: a sad, sad member who must make 100 posts in every article he reads, pushing his total post count to over 9000, literally. He suffers from either severe ronery or profound mental retardation, nobody can figure out which. Seriously, this guy needs help.
- Chicks: there are also some guys who post as chicks under various user names, none of them clever.
Forced Memes
A number of enterprising users make use of the anonymity of the internet to force their own memes via puppet accounts. All memes on AV Club are unwelcomed, and thus forced, and include the following:
- Caruso: someone posts something with a clever pun or something under the name "David Caruso". "[puts on sunglasses]" is in the middle somewhere and a way, waaaay forced "YYYEEEAAAAAHHHHH!!!!" is at the end. Other users post as international versions of David Caruso, with foreign equivalents of said "YYYEEEAAHHH!!!!"
- Canceraids: when someone posts a "firsties", other users wish him death by cancer, aids, cancer/aids, canceraids, aidscancer, acid rain, leukemia, or SIDS.
- Celebrities: users often register names of obscure or nostalgic celebrities, and sometimes post in character (David Caruso, Hulk Hogan, Bill Cosby, etc).
- Corky: a retard.
- Black Bolt: "..."
- Pretty Pretty Princess girl: based on an oft-appearing ad from the Onion Personals, wherein some slut professes to be "a nerd, a girl nerd" who likes guys that "can make me laugh and call me a pretty, pretty princess."
- Ratatouille: we pretend to like this children's cartoon on AV Club. Yep. We pretend it was good.
Gallery
See Also
- The Chaser
- Faking News
- Oniontown (Where The Onion HQ are established)
- The Babylon Bee - Shitty Conservative version of the Onion.