Subculture

The commercialization of individualism in Western society has made many people desperate to express themselves in a unique and meaningful way. Unfortunately, most of these poor souls lack the necessary cognitive power and self-awareness to actually assert themselves as special snowflakes. It is because of this that subcultures form, allowing people the illusion that they are different from the unwashed sheeple surrounding them while shielding their fragile minds from the realization that their personalities are utterly devoid of any unique or interesting dimensions.

Worthless Groups of Worthless People

A subculture is a collection of people who share the same interests, fashion tastes, musical and artistic preferences, morals, hobbies, favorite beers, worldviews, and slang terms. Although these groups often form as a means to distinguish themselves from the mundane members of mainstream society, there is easily less human variability within these pockets of insecurity than there is in society at large. The only thing that differentiates a group of weebs from a clique of semen-lapping orangeskins in a college is that the orangeskins aren't deluded enough to think that wearing cat-ears to class is a clever means of self-expression. And, of course, that the orangeskins won't die bitter, cheeto-encrusted virgins.

While the main function of a subculture is to express ~uniqueness~ and ~complexity~, anyone who's surpassed an infantile level of social development can see through the ruse as soon as they hear some variation of "I'm not like other people" escape a subculture member's mouth. This generally means that the only people socially disabled enough to think that subculture members are in any way intriguing are those stupid enough to join a subculture in the first place, and twelve-year-olds. Cries of "you're really not that interesting" made by the general public are drowned out by the sweet nothings that fellow subculture followers croon as they fellate one another in response to their perceived individuality. Those who do manage to hear their peers making fun of their poor fashion choices and catastrophically flawed self-concepts write them off as 'stupid mundanes' who lack the intelligence to understand them, a view that is quite ironic given that they don't understand themselves either. Because subculture followers are unable to listen to criticism that comes from anywhere outside of their circlejerk of an in-group, they remain happily oblivious to the fact that everyone else is laughing at how fucking useless they are.

Cognitive Dissonance, or, "I'm Not Emo!"

Those who compose a subculture hold near-fatal levels of cognitive dissonance. Although they outwardly value individuality, subculture followers implicitly desire to be a part of a group as much as, or more, than the average person with 'mainstream' sensibilities. If they happen to be consciously aware of this fact, they will keep it a secret until the day they die alone. Even if they look, dress, and act flawlessly like the typical drone within their scene, they will vehemently deny being a part of it when asked. When called by this label, they will pretend to be offended as their shriveled little souls fill with mild euphoria. The conflict between the desire to be unique and the need to belong typically doesn't resolve until the conflicted individual leaves their subculture in defeat.

Subculture Hierarchies

Despite often forming to stick it to The Man, every subculture has some form of hierarchy that the members within will adamantly deny the existence of. While there may be variations, the social order of a subculture generally forms a pyramid that increases in self-importance as it reaches the peak:

Posers

Nearly every subculture has some form of poser- that is, people who are so hopelessly socially inept that they can't even manage to successfully attach themselves to a group of socially inept people. Generally posers attempt to get involved with the subculture for a year or so until realizing that everyone considers them try-hards (or until they hit puberty). At this point they usually leave the group and pester a different subculture.

Common Folk

This man is a god to the 4 people who know who he is.

These are the people who ascribe to the values of the subculture without contributing anything to the group at large. Because they have little personal investment in the subculture, these individuals are quick to abandon it once it becomes 'uncool', or once they grow old enough to realize that rebelling against their parents no longer gets them attention.

Bloggers/Vloggers

Subculture followers who have a particularly unquenchable lust for attention often take to blogging platforms, where they will wax poetic about their shitty scene to the two people on their friendlist. Given that anybody can share their thoughts online, bloggers are only slightly more valuable than the rest of their peers.

Spokespeople

If somebody manages to amass more than 12 fans on their subculture blog, they'll generally take it on themselves to become "the voice of the community." This includes public outreach, in which these individuals waddle onto daytime talk shows and publicly embarrass themselves and their in-groups. Usually once this happens, there is an outcry among the community, and the spokesperson in question is disgraced. Usually though, spokespeople never actually make it onto TV and their moronic rants and "public relations" for their branch of the "alternative" community are simply confined to lulzy videos on jewtube. An old, but nontheless excellent example is as follows:

At the 0:38 mark, xxPrincessPunkxx proclaims herself to be "one of the voices of the scene and emo kids." To those whom it may concern, later in the vid, she starts crying over the fact that gangstas and emos can't get along. Like Jessi Slaughter, she went down in the History books as one of the biggest lolcows in the History of the internetz.

Models

The few subculture members without asymmetrical features or visible deformities will often pay amateur photographers to take pictures of them in their traditional garb. After heavy doses of photoshop, these images are placed online to be fawned over by hordes of thirteen-year-old wannabes and basement-dwellers looking for an easy masturbation session. Becoming a model is one of the highest honors to obtain within a subculture, as regardless of how 'deep' members of the in-group pretend to be, they still yearn for the physical attention that they will never receive. Not surprisingly, models also tend to see themselves as "musicians, poets, artists, philanthropists, and humanitarians" among other laughably grandiose things. Along with heavily photoshopped "professional" photoshoots, they will also often broadcast their "deep" musings and Socratic diatribes to their many adoring fans on various social networking sites who will subsequently gush about how "deep" and "beautiful" they are.

Bands

Also among the highest rungs of the hierarchical subcultural social ladder are shitty bands that most people have never heard of. Subculture members often aspire their entire meaningless lives to even lick the platform boots of band members from such deplorable cacophony factories as Deathstars not only because they produce the mating calls of these collective minded genetic defects, but also because by wearing the latest in "alternative" clothing, they essentially act as cultural ambassadors bridging the every day subculture members to the greedy corporations that actually produce the shitty fashion that defines said subcultures to begin with. Consequently, many vacuous whores delude themselves into actually thinking that they're important if they've sucked the piercing laden cock of some talentless bassist from any obscure and shitty Industrial band. That said, bands are notable in their ability to turn posers and common folk into prominent bloggers, spokespeople, or models practically overnight by merely cumming in their mouths. Their high status also plays a key role in defining what is or isn't considered unacceptable or "fringe" behavior within certain subcultures(You say you're a Goth but you listen to Britney Spears? Fuggedaboutit!).

Getting Laid: Easy Mode

Pictured: standard game on the subculture sex scene.

One of the positives of the existence of subcultures is that it is nearly painfully easy to get laid within them if you are willing to lower your standards to a level that encompasses mongoloids and fat chicks. Often somebody will join a subculture only after they realize that mainstream society finds them hopelessly unattractive. People within a subculture are often attracted to those who are 'in the know' regardless of how grubby and unlovable they truly are. To see this in action, one only needs to look at the fluid-soaked halls of the furry fandom.

Subcultures also have a tendency to assign appeal to certain images that are conventionally ugly; for example, the hipster subculture has fetishised fat, bearded men due to their abundance in indie bands. Otherkin have also been known to show a preference for gnarled shebeasts, whose reptilian features remind them of the mythical creatures they claim to be. Of course, it is questionable as to whether anybody who'd fuck some five-chinned monster with a Jesus beard has any inherent concept of attractiveness or standards in the first place.

Leaving a Subculture

When a subculture becomes uncool, or when its members hit their 20's and learn that they won't be hired with matted anime hair, less invested parts of the collective will try to re-integrate into mainstream society or search for something trendier to be a part of. These people often pretend that they had never been a part of the group in the first place, hoping that everyone will forget about their years-long struggle for attention. While most people eventually leave subcultures for whitebread life, some have clung to their respective group identities so heavily that they keep them well into adulthood. This is especially true of in-group 'celebrities' who can't bear the thought of no longer being recognised or cared about. Some subculture personalities try to shift into different groups in order to remain relevant, but this works only very rarely.

Featured article November 26 & 27, 2012
Preceded by weev	Subculture	Succeeded by #dongforce

Subculture

Contents

Worthless Groups of Worthless People

Cognitive Dissonance, or, "I'm Not Emo!"