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Sebastopol

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Sebastopol redirects here. You may be looking for Sevastopol, Russia.
That's right terrorists - you can't nuke this city.

Demographics

Sebastopol is home to many different peoples, races, and ethnic groups. They include:

There are no arcades, internets cafés, or places to buy video games in Sebastopol. This is due to the fact that if a Sebastopolian were to play a video game and/or use teh internets, the fun of violence or the mind-bending powers of actual research would cause them to move up on the evolutionary scale, to just under Jews. After this evolution, the Sebastopolian would realize that he is a complete douchebag; he/she would then promptly kill him/herself.

Politics

Sebastopol town monument

Sebastopol is the only city in the United States with a majority Green Party city council. This has led to such improvements as the highest number of trees planted per capita since 2006 (most in former roadways), the construction of a high-tech granola factory run by Republican slaves imported from as far away as Sacramento, the return of the covered wagon, and a citywide ban on the good peanut butter with added sugar and salt. Hippy peanut butter that nobody really wants to eat is still allowed.

It is important to note that Sebastopol is a Nuclear Free Zone File:Welcome2Sebastopol.jpg. This means it is illegal to detonate a nuclear device within city limits, under penalty of a fine of at least 100 dollars. It also means radiation therapy is banned, leading to a large increase in disfiguring tumors among residents. (This is the one form of therapy not banned in Sebastopol. Sebastopudlians routinely visit acupuncturists, purchase expensive spa treatments such as "raindrop therapy" (which is like a massage only they drip the oil on you first), and psychic realignment of the mitochondrial DNA.) However, if you manage to avoid the Sebastopol Police and their one Prius hybrid patrol car you will not have to pay the fine, and due to nuclear warfare's resemblance to a bad acid trip nobody but the greatly outnumbered upstanding citizens of Sebastopol will report anything if you choose to waste a nuke on this town.

Another claim to fame this small, useless town has is that its City Council voted to turn the Pentagon into a skate park. It is unknown how they planned to enforce this, but it likely involved performing necromantic rituals to resurrect famous peaceniks and dead hippies.

History

Before the land was populated by modern man, in all likelihood a bunch of Indians lived here. They probably had a lot of fun eating acorns and doing other random crap. For some reason, the town was named after some Russian town. It also had a sister city in the Ukraine. Clearly, Sebastopol was first inhabited by godless Commies, a tradition carried on to this very day.

Sebastopol also has a sister city in Japan. 'Nuff said.

Sebastopol probably has the largest ratio of witches:people since Salem. It is estimated that half the town’s shop owners are either witches or fucktards. This is evidenced by the names of some of the town’s most frequented stores:

  • Because it's Witchcraft
  • Earth Child
  • Earth in Upheaval
  • Spirit
  • The Crystal People
  • Yin-Yang Clothing

Sebastopol is the hometown of Grendel Gravensteins School for Witches and Wizards. Based in an archaic castle (see Castle Lemuria) in the Laguana de Santa Rosa, a freakin swamp.

Sebastopol was originally going to be the headquarters for the ACLU, but then Arnold Schwarzenegger was elected Governator. On that day, half the town's population attempted to commit suicide, but only 42 actually suceeded.

In recent news, the fucktards on the town council decided to violently rape and murder the town's only good remaining play park. Apparently, some dumbass kid got a splinter and went crying to his or her lawyer daddy who decided to threaten to sue the city's ass off unless they bulldozed the place. So, they did; in its place they erected a faggot park made of plastic. It is at least 100 times gayer than the previous park, and as of this writing is not even complete yet. This lame ass park was built because Sebastopol, in fact, has no monies, due to their fail at tourisim.

Memorial services for the Super PlayPark (as the former wooden structure was called) were scheduled for last Thursday, but were forgotten because all the kids were still too busy playing Halo 3.

Geography

Sebastopol is currently located somewhere in California. It was originally placed at 50 miles east of San Francisco, but it was discovered that the map was being held upside-down. Fortunately for residents of nearby towns, the nearby Russian River floods nearly every winter, cutting off the main route in and out of Sebastopol. During this period in the year, people in surrounding towns can let their children play outside without fear of them being abducted and/or raped by Sebastopolian vagrants.

Much like large parts of Africa, the world would be better off without this place.

Sebastopolians have Chinese slaves make these by the millions.

Cars and Stuff

The average car in Sebastopol has at least 100 to over 9,000 bumper stickers. They are usually of this or this variety.

Sebastopolian drivers also are extremely gullible and stupid. They have been known to actually stop to let pedestrians cross the road, instead of running them over like the dumb fucks they are.

As with most other laws, Sebastopolians ignore seat belt laws completely. But in a cruel twist of irony, it is impossible for Sebastopolians to die in car accidents, no matter how much some people want them to. This fact is made even more terrible by the fact that the region surrounding Sebastopol is composed of winding mountain roads and blind curves. God clearly wants to destroy the city, but the surrounding atmosphere of marijuana and pacifism is beyond even His abilities to penetrate.

Sexuality

Scientists are baffled as to how Sebastopolians reproduce, since their universal unwashed fugliness and homosexual tendencies obviously do not permit it. Research shows that they might not actually need to reproduce, however. They can maintain their numbers by accepting wayward hippies that have been exiled from other parts of the country, or letting lost San Franciscans stay in their houses.

Religion

There are no churches or synagogues in Sebastopol. This is due to the fact Jews and Christians are regularly burned at festivals. The reasoning behind this practice has been identified as something called "tolerance".

In yet another blatant display of contempt for American law, the official god of Sebastopol is Jimi Hendrix. However, several other pagan religions are regularly practiced.

Schooling

The local high school, Analy (note the similarities to anal), is famous for being one of the few institutions of higher learning in the United States to have marijuana-sniffing dogs pay a visit. It was discovered that at least 100% of the students and faculty were stoned. When the principal of the school was called upon to comment, his only response was, "Fuck you, I'm a dragon!".

Parents have discovered one benefit of allowing their children to attend Analy High School: the perpetual haze of marijuana significantly reduces the risk of school shooting.

The City Council has proposed changing Analy High's name to The School of Rock several times, but by the time the council members are done with their third martinis, they're far too inebriated to vote one way or the other on the "issue".


Links

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