Jude's Army/Chat with The Dude

Moar info: Jude's Army.

The following is a transcript of a conversation between Jude's Army and "The Dude," one of her three e-boyfriends.

Alyssa says (11:18 PM):
I'm going to tell you something. And you're not going to like it.
Danny says (11:18 PM):
okay..
Alyssa says (11:19 PM):
Jesus...I don't know where to begin.
Danny says (11:19 PM):
take your time..
Danny says (11:20 PM):
i'll do my best to shut up and listen heh =>
Alyssa says (11:24 PM):
LoLo and Hector, they both hate me the moment, because I've been fooling around on all of you, with all of you. Almost at the same time, for months. A lot of shit went down over the past couple of days. Way too much to explain. But I've messed up...bad. And now it's over.
Danny says (11:24 PM):
i've got all the time in the world right now if you're willing to be honest.
Danny says (11:25 PM):
and...if you're willing to trust that im not going to lash out at you.
Alyssa says (11:25 PM):
I'm sorry. That's all.
Danny says (11:26 PM):
are you saying that you've told them you love them just like you've told me?
Alyssa says (11:26 PM):
Yes.
Danny says (11:26 PM):
did you ever love any of us?
Alyssa says (11:26 PM):
Yes.
Danny says (11:26 PM):
who?
Alyssa says (11:27 PM):
Does it matter now? I don't think so.
Danny says (11:27 PM):
Alyssa i dont care if it matters now. i just would like to know.
Danny says (11:28 PM):
if it wasnt me then it wasnt me. im not fuming and if i was there i would not be yelling or angry. id be calm as i am now. im shaking, but im calm.
Danny says (11:28 PM):
who did you love?
Alyssa says (11:29 PM):
I'm sorry.
Alyssa says (11:29 PM):
brb
Danny says (11:29 PM):
I forgive you.
Danny says (11:29 PM):
okay.
Alyssa says (11:31 PM):
Are you sure about that? You don't even know the whole story.
Danny says (11:31 PM):
Alyssa,
Danny says (11:32 PM):
if there's anything you couldve learned about me through all this,
Alyssa says (11:32 PM):
Hector is now suicidal because of what I did.
Danny says (11:32 PM):
know at least that I'm not going to hold a grudge, and that i will forgive you. unconditionally.
Danny says (11:33 PM):
Frankly, that's Hector's problem.
Alyssa says (11:33 PM):
No.
Danny says (11:33 PM):
We all get our hearts broken. It's up to the individual to keep going.
Danny says (11:34 PM):
Case in point: I'm not going to kill myself over this, nor do i have the desire to do so.
Alyssa says (11:36 PM):
LoLo...I talked to him on the phone tonight, and he asked me to come clean. He gave me the chance to come clean about everything. And about you. But I held back. And he saw that message in my inbox. I don't think he'll ever speak to me again. He's the one that I love. But then, I just don't know any more.
Alyssa says (11:37 PM):
It's probably for the best.
Danny says (11:37 PM):
So you never loved me or Hector, just him?
Alyssa says (11:37 PM):
No, definitely.
Danny says (11:38 PM):
I don't know what message you mean. Maybe I sent you something and I forgot. Lemme go check....
Alyssa says (11:38 PM):
No.
Alyssa says (11:38 PM):
It's one that I sent you.
Alyssa says (11:38 PM):
I think.
Danny says (11:38 PM):
Ill just check.
Danny says (11:38 PM):
He's got access to your account I take it?
Alyssa says (11:38 PM):
There's nothing there.
Alyssa says (11:38 PM):
I gave him access to my accounts.
Danny says (11:38 PM):
oh ok
Alyssa says (11:39 PM):
Daniel. It's okay to hate me, you know? I almost wish you would.
Danny says (11:40 PM):
I'm not that kind of person, Alyssa.
Danny says (11:40 PM):
You've had 4, going on 5 months time to really really get to know me,
Danny says (11:40 PM):
and time before that to sorta kinda, but that time was all meh. in the 4 to 5 months,
Danny says (11:40 PM):
surely you've come to know that while I'll cry out against people's actions,
Danny says (11:41 PM):
I don't hate them personally unless there's a damn good reason and maybe even then.
Danny says (11:41 PM):
Answer me this though if you will...
Alyssa says (11:41 PM):
?
Danny says (11:41 PM):
you love/d LoLo. Did you ever love Hector or me?
Danny says (11:42 PM):
just be honest please. dont hold back. no reason to now.
Alyssa says (11:42 PM):
No. I loved him first. I don't think it's possible to love more than one person at any given time; not in that way.
Danny says (11:43 PM):
thank you for your honesty.
Alyssa says (11:43 PM):
You still don't know the extent of it, though.
Danny says (11:43 PM):
i know i dont.
Danny says (11:43 PM):
i would like to know.
Danny says (11:43 PM):
gosh how i would like to know.
Danny says (11:43 PM):
i cant make you tell me but i hope you will.
Alyssa says (11:44 PM):
LoLo and I were going to meet this week. Hector also bought plane tickets to see me....this week.
Alyssa says (11:44 PM):
Tuesday, Wednesday.
Alyssa says (11:45 PM):
Following a drunken conversation I had with LoLo on Saturday, I think, he sent a message to Hector. He suspected that there was something going on.
Danny says (11:45 PM):
heh i saw his drunk dialing comment.
Alyssa says (11:45 PM):
Won't go into the details of the message, but it was basically "alyssa and i are dating", etc, etc.
Alyssa says (11:46 PM):
LoLo didn't remember anything that was said in the conversation, so I told him.
Alyssa says (11:47 PM):
And I also denied ever having been involved with either you or Hector.
Alyssa says (11:47 PM):
And he believed me.
Alyssa says (11:48 PM):
On Monday, whilst I was doing my laundry, I was talking to Hector on the phone, and trying to get out of meeting him. He lost it, called LoLo, and the shit hit the fan from there.
Alyssa says (11:49 PM):
I tried to lie my way out of it, but soon they started trading messages, phone calls, etc, and everything was out in the open.
Danny says (11:50 PM):
did you ever feel anything at all for me? anything?
Danny says (11:50 PM):
i would like to assume you did but this makes everything sort of a 'clean slate' if you will.
Danny says (11:51 PM):
meh scratch that remark it was unnecessary. just the question--did you?
Alyssa says (11:51 PM):
I don't know.
Danny says (11:51 PM):
again, thank you for your honesty.
Danny says (11:52 PM):
i know its not easy. but while im sure this is insanely uncomfortable for you, at least it wont be hanging over your head trying to hide it anymore, eh?
Danny says (11:52 PM):
i asked if you ever felt anything for me,
Danny says (11:52 PM):
because well,
Danny says (11:52 PM):
i guess id like to think that you did, that there was at least something there motivating you to call me and be excited and so sweet, and speak and communicate so sincerely to me,
Danny says (11:53 PM):
and well....everything you did for me. i dont smoke, i learned to be more secure,
Danny says (11:53 PM):
im now stuck with "trust issues" heh. im not trying to be mean, but i did come to let go of all those insecurities.
Alyssa says (11:54 PM):
I know.
Alyssa says (11:54 PM):
Can I talk to you tomorrow? Will you allow it?
Danny says (11:54 PM):
ill allow you to talk to me, yes. i work tomorrow. but do you have anymore time tonight?
Danny says (11:54 PM):
even just for one more question?
Alyssa says (11:54 PM):
?
Danny says (11:55 PM):
probably not a simple answer to it.
Danny says (11:55 PM):
why?
Danny says (11:55 PM):
(.....did you do all of this)
Danny says (11:55 PM):
(not the honesty--but what you're being honest about)
Alyssa says (11:55 PM):
I'm evil.
Danny says (11:55 PM):
so am i. we all are.
Danny says (11:56 PM):
perhaps its blunt,
Danny says (11:56 PM):
but got a better answer?
Alyssa says (11:56 PM):
At the moment? No. I don't really know why I did it.
Danny says (11:57 PM):
i guess i kinda expected that answer.
Danny says (11:57 PM):
so you wish to talk to me tomorrow,
Danny says (11:57 PM):
what about?
Alyssa says (11:57 PM):
I just want to.
Danny says (11:57 PM):
okay.
Danny says (11:58 PM):
can i throw something your way (words),
Danny says (11:58 PM):
and it may sound 110% absofuckinglutley crazy,
Alyssa says (11:58 PM):
?
Danny says (11:58 PM):
you're convinced that you've burned your bridge with all three of us, yes?
Alyssa says (11:58 PM):
Of course.
Danny says (11:58 PM):
(im not at the crazy part yet)
Danny says (11:59 PM):
alright.
Danny says (11:59 PM):
craziness:
Danny says (11:59 PM):
if i gave you a chance, would you want a real honest start-fresh chance with me, or not really?
Alyssa says (11:59 PM):
What??
Danny says (11:59 PM):
just answer.
Alyssa says (12:00 AM):
What do you mean?
Danny says (12:00 AM):
i've already told you i forgive you and i mean it. and its not because of this. even if i said "dont ever talk to me again"--in my heart i'd still have forgiven you.
Danny says (12:02 AM):
what im saying is that if you want, in forgiving you i'm willing to throw all this under the bridge, and start again with you at a chance for a real relationship. ground up. but! but! only if thats what you want.
Danny says (12:02 AM):
try not to assume my motives for this, and think only about what you want in terms of me.
Alyssa says (12:04 AM):
What are you on? Think for a second about what you're saying. I don't think you completely understand what I've done.
Danny says (12:04 AM):
stop.
Danny says (12:04 AM):
finish what you're typing, then stop.
Alyssa says (12:04 AM):
Look, I'll give you my passwords so you can see for yourself.
Danny says (12:04 AM):
Alyssa i believe you.
Danny says (12:04 AM):
you lied to all three of us.
Danny says (12:04 AM):
you lied time and time again.
Danny says (12:04 AM):
I understand that every single time you told me you loved me from the very first,
Danny says (12:04 AM):
you were lying to me.
Danny says (12:05 AM):
I don't know why you did it and neither do you.
Danny says (12:05 AM):
I'm offering myself to you because i still think you're worth it.
Alyssa says (12:06 AM):
[email protected] password: 00abff12
Danny says (12:06 AM):
nobody can disguise themselves that well.
Danny says (12:06 AM):
is that your main account?
Alyssa says (12:06 AM):
yes
Alyssa says (12:07 AM):
Go see for yourself.
Danny says (12:07 AM):
what am i looking for that you want me to see
Alyssa says (12:07 AM):
THEN you'll realize that I'm scum, and if you're half as smart as I think you are, then you won't have anything to do with me.
Danny says (12:07 AM):
what am i looking for. your inbox contents?
Alyssa says (12:08 AM):
I'm going to bed now. 
Alyssa says (12:08 AM):
Yes.
Alyssa says (12:08 AM):
My inbox.
Danny says (12:08 AM):
you'd be surprised. i dont think you know me quite yet.
Alyssa says (12:08 AM):
After you read all of that shit, I seriously doubt you'll be so forgiving.
Danny says (12:08 AM):
let me be the judge of that.
Danny says (12:09 AM):
try to sleep well unless your'e going to stay on for a bit while i at least glance through
Danny says (12:11 AM):
before i continue reading,
Alyssa says (12:11 AM):
Do you mind if I send this convo to LoLo. As proof that I told you? He offered, but I wanted to do it myself.
Danny says (12:11 AM):
did you ever mention me at all in your discussions with lolo or hector?
Alyssa says (12:12 AM):
Ehh....LoLo asked about you a few months ago. But I denied there ever having been anything between us.
Danny says (12:12 AM):
and hector?
Alyssa says (12:12 AM):
Err....I don't think so.
Danny says (12:12 AM):
okay.
Alyssa says (12:12 AM):
Well?
Danny says (12:13 AM):
and you dont have an answer for why you went for me and hector even though you only wanted lolo?
Alyssa says (12:14 AM):
Didn't I tell you that I'm evil? Corrupt, damaged goods, etc, etc. I'm not joking.
Danny says (12:14 AM):
ditto. what's your point?
Danny says (12:14 AM):
Alyssa it's soooooo easy to use that as a blanket reason. and sure, it's true.
Danny says (12:14 AM):
but to me, thats like saying the sky's blue.
Danny says (12:15 AM):
not just for you but for anyone.
Alyssa says (12:15 AM):
oh
Danny says (12:15 AM):
its not like i was some angel. i still had a cigarette on occasion when i thought that would help in whatever i was dealing with, but it never did the trick anymore.
Danny says (12:16 AM):
i speed all the time even though i know you dont like it. half the time it was to get home to you quicker.
Alyssa says (12:16 AM):
You never answered my q about the convo.
Danny says (12:16 AM):
oh
Danny says (12:16 AM):
"well?"
Alyssa says (12:16 AM):
eh?
Danny says (12:16 AM):
i have no reason to read the whole thing. it just beats a dead horse.
Danny says (12:17 AM):
the only thing to draw from it is that you wanted LoLo, and for whatever reason that you cant explain, you decided to go for me and HEctor as well.
Alyssa says (12:17 AM):
You DON'T want to read it?
Danny says (12:17 AM):
*Hector
Danny says (12:17 AM):
no point.
Danny says (12:17 AM):
i glanced through it.
Danny says (12:17 AM):
i saw what i expected.
Danny says (12:17 AM):
the proof of what you've already been honest with me about--sure it stings a little harder,
Danny says (12:17 AM):
but the facts are still the same.
Alyssa says (12:18 AM):
What are those?
Alyssa says (12:18 AM):
Um...the facts?
Danny says (12:18 AM):
thats the great thing about the truth, Alyssa. it gets rid of the bullshit.
Danny says (12:18 AM):
the facts:
Danny says (12:18 AM):
already said em.
Danny says (12:18 AM):
you wanted and loved LoLo. for some reason you went for both me and Hector as well. For somewhere around 4 to 5 months to include all three of us,
Danny says (12:19 AM):
you had all three of us convinced that you loved only us individually,
Alyssa says (12:19 AM):
Actually, Hector was more around 2 months.
Danny says (12:19 AM):
and that any noise from the other two was just that--noise. not to be worried about.
Danny says (12:19 AM):
alrighty.
Alyssa says (12:19 AM):
Anyways.
Danny says (12:19 AM):
i could go on but you know what's up.
Danny says (12:20 AM):
personally i suspect that you weren't sure what to do with yourself after getting out of a horrid relationship with john.
Alyssa says (12:20 AM):
Um. I applied for a transfer to Oxford University at the beginning of the year. I initially applied just to see if I had what it takes to get in...
Alyssa says (12:20 AM):
Er.....speaking of John.
Alyssa says (12:20 AM):
Ugh.
Alyssa says (12:21 AM):
He said that there was no way I could get in. That I wasn't good enough, etc, etc.
Alyssa says (12:21 AM):
Well, I got accepted.
Danny says (12:21 AM):
i remember.
Alyssa says (12:21 AM):
And I'm seriously considering maybe possibly going.
Alyssa says (12:21 AM):
I just need to get away from all of this.
Danny says (12:22 AM):
you want an answer to your question still?
Alyssa says (12:22 AM):
There was only one thing keeping me here, really. And now I've ruined it.
Alyssa says (12:22 AM):
What is it?
Danny says (12:22 AM):
Im translating "Well?"
Alyssa says (12:22 AM):
Is it wrong that I don't feel anything anymore.
Alyssa says (12:22 AM):
?
Danny says (12:22 AM):
into "Do you still forgive me so quickly?" or something similar
Danny says (12:23 AM):
for any of us?
Danny says (12:23 AM):
its not wrong whether you do or dont.
Alyssa says (12:23 AM):
No. About the situation.
Danny says (12:23 AM):
what about the situation
Danny says (12:23 AM):
can you clarify your question?
Danny says (12:24 AM):
i still forgive you. you probably dont understand why. but i do.
Alyssa says (12:24 AM):
What question?
Danny says (12:24 AM):
you wanted an answer to your question.
Danny says (12:24 AM):
the only question i got was "Well?"
Danny says (12:25 AM):
i took that to mean that you wanted to know whether or not i still forgave you
Alyssa says (12:25 AM):
Oh. I asked about the convo.
Danny says (12:25 AM):
oh. what about it
Alyssa says (12:25 AM):
I really think you should at least sleep on it. And read those messages in my inbox. You will surely hate me in the morning.
Danny says (12:26 AM):
nah.
Danny says (12:26 AM):
i'm really numb,
Danny says (12:26 AM):
really really really fucking numb,
Danny says (12:26 AM):
but i dont hate you.
Danny says (12:26 AM):
im not like the rest of the people on this planet.
Danny says (12:26 AM):
i thought you understood that.
Danny says (12:26 AM):
i guess you didnt.
Alyssa says (12:27 AM):
What do you think about Oxford? Do you think I should go? I don't really want to leave my mother. My father's always away, and I think she needs me.
Danny says (12:28 AM):
Then stay.
Danny says (12:28 AM):
remember us talking about oxford before?
Danny says (12:28 AM):
there are degrees of quality in education, sure.
Danny says (12:29 AM):
no doubt.
Danny says (12:29 AM):
but say you transfer to oxford for your last year.
Danny says (12:29 AM):
I'll bet you it won't make a damn bit of difference as to the kind of jobs you get with your degree.
Danny says (12:30 AM):
reality: employers care far more about the fact that you worked your ass off to get a degree than what the degree is in, and especially what university you went to.
Alyssa says (12:30 AM):
My brain has gone to shit. I don't know how I'll be able to start school again. Are you okay?
Danny says (12:30 AM):
if you go to oxford, the increased quality over NYU will only be for your own personal benefit.
Danny says (12:30 AM):
I'll live.
Danny says (12:30 AM):
But you still never answered my question.
Alyssa says (12:31 AM):
What question?
Danny says (12:31 AM):
before i ask it again,
Danny says (12:31 AM):
i'm going to try to explain something to you.
Danny says (12:31 AM):
remember in the past when i'd do something to piss you off,
Danny says (12:31 AM):
and id keep talking and talking and talking,
Danny says (12:31 AM):
repeating myself over and over again,
Alyssa says (12:31 AM):
?
Danny says (12:32 AM):
remember how it didnt make a difference? remember how you understood what i said the first time?
Alyssa says (12:32 AM):
I suppose.
Danny says (12:32 AM):
use that as an analogy and apply it to me reading the conversation between you and lolo.
Danny says (12:33 AM):
all it's going to do is keep saying the same shit over and over again
Danny says (12:33 AM):
in different ways, sure.
Danny says (12:34 AM):
the only facts that matter here are the raw basic truth--you kept the three of us going. and now you've burned bridges. you realize what you did was wrong.
Danny says (12:34 AM):
i guess lolo and hector have abandoned.
Danny says (12:34 AM):
you're not out of your mind to expect me to do the same.
Danny says (12:34 AM):
most people would think im out of my mind for continuing to talk to you.
Alyssa says (12:34 AM):
Yes.
Danny says (12:34 AM):
you asked to talk to me tomorrow as well. i said yes.
Danny says (12:34 AM):
if i told Jared,
Danny says (12:35 AM):
he'd be like "wtf are you doing, dude?! whatever man you're wasting your time"
Danny says (12:35 AM):
that sorta thing.
Danny says (12:35 AM):
what you must understand about me,
Alyssa says (12:35 AM):
Of course.
Danny says (12:35 AM):
and i dont expect you to understand it tonight,
Danny says (12:35 AM):
but ill try anyway,
Danny says (12:36 AM):
im not perfect, okay? never thought or claimed i was. but i strive every single day to live my life how God wants me to live it. that doesnt mean im a robot, or a brainwashed overly religious idiot.
Danny says (12:36 AM):
what that means is that it doesnt matter if you kept us all going for 3 years,
Danny says (12:37 AM):
and then tracked us down and tried to kill us to cover up your tracks.
Danny says (12:37 AM):
i would defend myself and stop you, hopefully without having to kill you, and then i would STILL forgive you.
Danny says (12:37 AM):
in the 4 to 5 months this went on involving me,
Danny says (12:38 AM):
i have a very hard time believing that every single moment of it, even if you had me on a string,
Alyssa says (12:38 AM):
I would just like to say that you STILL don't understand what happened. Not all of it, anyways. Read the messages. Please. It's far too much to explain.
Danny says (12:39 AM):
alright ill read it. do i need to read your stuff with lolo and hector, or just lolo?
Alyssa says (12:39 AM):
I'm positively wretched and I do not think it's right...I don't fucking understand why in God's name you would want to forgive me.
Alyssa says (12:40 AM):
You need to read all of it.
Danny says (12:40 AM):
and i never said what you did was right.
Danny says (12:40 AM):
God understands why i would forgive you. you dont because i dont think you know him very well.
Alyssa says (12:40 AM):
Although it's quite possible that my account will be deleted for the logins from different IPs, I don't really care.
Alyssa says (12:40 AM):
Screw it.
Danny says (12:40 AM):
meh.
Danny says (12:41 AM):
i logged into that pedo's acct.
Danny says (12:41 AM):
its been awhile. nothin happened.
Danny says (12:41 AM):
i think the peeps @ MS are too incompetent to pay that close attention.
Alyssa says (12:41 AM):
You logged into my other account as well....and now it's gone.
Alyssa says (12:41 AM):
Gutted.
Danny says (12:41 AM):
i logged into that one quite a few times.
Danny says (12:42 AM):
that doesnt matter.
Danny says (12:42 AM):
will you answer my question? i'll ask it.
Alyssa says (12:42 AM):
k
Danny says (12:42 AM):
this question is without condition.
Danny says (12:42 AM):
as in even if i read every last word in your inbox,
Danny says (12:42 AM):
and i still have the same stance.
Danny says (12:42 AM):
i believe i will.
Danny says (12:42 AM):
my question:
Danny says (12:43 AM):
after all of this, i forgive you. i'm willing to give you a chance for a real, honest, open relationship with me. that means starting from the beginning. no grudges, nothing. obviously we know stuff about each other.
Danny says (12:44 AM):
but in me offering that chance,
Danny says (12:44 AM):
do you want to take it? forget about what you think of yourself. that doesnt matter atm.
Danny says (12:44 AM):
dont worry about 'protecting' me or anything.
Danny says (12:44 AM):
ill worry about that. do you want to accept my offer or no?
Alyssa says (12:44 AM):
There is absolutely no way...You have no idea what you're asking. You're in shock and not thinking clearly.
Danny says (12:45 AM):
Alyssa
Danny says (12:45 AM):
just answer the question
Danny says (12:45 AM):
please
Alyssa says (12:45 AM):
I'm sorry. No.
Danny says (12:45 AM):
no you wont answer or no you dont want to accept the offer?
Alyssa says (12:45 AM):
The latter. It's for your own good.
Danny says (12:45 AM):
i told you dont worry about my own good.
Danny says (12:46 AM):
what do ****you**** want.
Alyssa says (12:46 AM):
Read the messages. Goodnight.
Alyssa says (12:46 AM):
About the conversation....
Danny says (12:46 AM):
yes you can send it to lolo
Alyssa says (12:46 AM):
Alright then.
Danny says (12:46 AM):
*ahem* go ahead.
Danny says (12:46 AM):
is that what you were asking?
Alyssa says (12:46 AM):
yes
Danny says (12:47 AM):
when do you want to talk to me tomorrow
Alyssa says (12:47 AM):
Dunno.
Danny says (12:48 AM):
"for my own good" I wish you would just let me decide what's for my own good. you only **think** you understand why i want to give you another chance.
Alyssa says (12:48 AM):
No, I don't understand. Like I said: You're not thinking clearly.
Alyssa says (12:49 AM):
I know me better than anyone and I'm no good for you. Or anyone. Not at the moment.
Alyssa says (12:49 AM):
Not for awhile.
Danny says (12:49 AM):
can i ask you one other thing?
Alyssa says (12:49 AM):
Yes?
Danny says (12:49 AM):
it doesnt really matter but im curious.
Danny says (12:49 AM):
did you ever put a face to a name with your parents?
Danny says (12:49 AM):
or friends or anyone?
Danny says (12:50 AM):
or did you tell them any names?
Alyssa says (12:50 AM):
I told my mother about LoLo. And she freaked.
Danny says (12:50 AM):
i thought you said you told her about me and she just said to be careful
Alyssa says (12:50 AM):
No. That never happened. See? You don't know the whole story.
Danny says (12:50 AM):
its just a detail though.
Danny says (12:51 AM):
you think these details make a difference.
Danny says (12:51 AM):
they're all just little pieces that point back to the base truth. i see this.
Alyssa says (12:51 AM):
This is so frustrating. I should not have to convince you that I'm worthless. Read the messages.
Alyssa says (12:51 AM):
That's all.

Jude's Army/Chat with The Dude is part of a series on Chat Logs

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