Jamie Lynn Spears
As if one attention-whoring Spears is bad enough, now we have to deal with Jamie Lynn Spears - Britney's prostitot younger sister who felt that she wasn't getting enough attention. In response, she made the logical choice and threw out the condoms in order to score a few minutes of airtime on the Today show by becoming a teenage mommy. Many people thought Jamie would be better than her sister, but it turns out she is actually just faster. This act of preggortry has sparked an international lollercoaster and has prompted at least 100 nicknames such as "Juno Lynn Spears", "Zoey XY", and "Total Douchebag Moron."
So Stupid
Spears is the star of a preteen daytime television soap, a role model to millions of young girls who aren't cool enough to hang out with the Hannah Montana fans. Of course, now she's gone and gotten herself knocked up. In the old days, a sixteen-year-old cash cow with a bun in the oven would be spirited away by rich studio executives to be kicked in the fucking stomach, but Jamie instead decided to go public about it, because babies are the newest fashion statement. Of course, she fails even harder because everybody knows that the real trend-setters go and buy starving black person from Africa.
Is the Father a Steady Figure?
When asked whether the father, Casey Aldridge, was a steady boyfriend, Jamie Lynn had only this to say:
—Jamie Lynn Spears | ||
Considering that she's living with her baby-daddy, and has been for quite some time, no one is sure what the hell would constitute a "steady boyfriend" in her world. Then again, she was raised by the same dumb bitch who made Britney the fine, upstanding young lady she is today, so we can maybe forgive her for being a little confused.
Under normal circumstances Casey Aldridge would now be a registered sex offender, for having sex with a minor as well as black person. However, since the law never applies to celebrities, this won't be a problem.
A Cover-Up?
A recent article on Show Biz Spy and US magazine that's making its rounds on the internets now reports that the Spears' family and their friends think the father of the child is a much older Nickelodeon studio executive, who could be looking at child molestation and real rape charges and become the target of a Spears family lawlsuit as well.
A recent claim from the Spears family states Casey Aldridge could not have knocked up Jamie Lynn Spears, because:
- Despite the fact they were living together, the Spears family claims that Casey and Jamie were not steady; they were seeing each other on and off. Given the fact that the Hollywood standard for "steady" is twelve fucks, wedding and a sex tape, this may make sense. It is also reported that Jamie wanted to date Kevin Federline's brother. WHAT??? If Aldridge is not the father, Jamie Lynn was most likely molested by this older executive for great justice, which means booze or other intoxicants could be involved. Or maybe not. Whores have a way of fucking without anything in their system. It's also possible that she may have been afraid that her career would be on the line if she didn't screw said executive, but this is highly unlikely, as she's probably too stupid to understand the concept of a "career." Plus, this baby also threatens her career, so she'd have put herself in the same position that she was hoping to avoid. Then again, she is a celebrity star of a popular sitcom - which means she can just pay a nanny to take care of her queef product while she goes to work.
- According to the family, Casey was a notorious cheater and had a pregnancy scare from another girl, who conveniently had a miscarriage two weeks later. If this theory goes, Casey was picked by the executives and their lawyers and paid off to claim to be the father. Of course, if he did have a preggers scare with another skank, it's still possible that he's the father.
- Witnesses report that the real father fired the fateful money shot from the grassy knoll.
On the blog Crazy Days and Nights, which is written by a unnamed Entertainment Lawyer, this blind item was posted on Oct 5 2007:
—Ent Lawyer Oct 5 2007 | ||
Now if that does not forecast the Jamie Lynn Spears LULZ...
Now here is a new blind item! It seems that this "producer" has a bottomless appetite for the loli:
—Ent Lawyer Jan 3 2008 | ||
Now if the story of Jamie Lynn and this older executive pans out, expect Nickelodeon to get sued by her money grubbing whore of a mother and a visit from the Party Van.
In other words, the lulz have not yet begun in this story.
This was expected, what do you think was going to happen when you send a 13 year old girl to live alone with her 19 year old boyfriend, and work on a TV show run by sleaze-bag executives?
I bet Vanessa Hudgens is feeling pretty good about herself right now.
Slut
Casey Aldridge, realizing this was a major cock trap, threw Jamie Lynn Spears to the curb. In light of the rumors of this unknown TV producer (according to the latest issue of In Touch Weekly) he is demanding a paternity test:
—In Touch Weekly Jan 10, 2008 | ||
Wait a minute? It is hard to believe that someone who is half baked on a diet of Starbucks, cock and crack can speak in coherent sentences to a family friend.
Operation "Epic Cocktrap": FAIL
The chance is good that this was a cock trap by Jamie Lynn, to desperately prevent Casey from dumping her as all hick sluts try to do. As always, this plan results in epic FAIL.
She also seems to have a belly button ring
Getting married WTF?!?!?!
It's now being reported [1] that the tramp is getting married to Casey, despite the fact that she's barely old enough to drive. This shouldn't be too surprising, however, as rednecks from Louisiana often marry their brothers at the age of 12. Expect a divorce when the baby turns out to be half-nigger.
Job Security
Does this baby put her role in her Nickelodeon show Zoey 101 in jeopardy? Representatives from the network had this to say:
—Nickelodeon Executives | ||
Despite the 4th - and final - season of Zoey 101, as well as the possibility of Jamie Lynn mostly written out of her own show. Lynne Spears is already thinking about her daughter's future and has already accepted a $1M offer for the first photos of the new baby. Jamie is going to need the money, as it is a good sign her career is pretty much finished when her starring title character is demoted to a guest star role. Just liker here wedding date, Zoey 101 is officially canceled due to FAIL and Nickelodeon has found a new cash-cow and role rodel with iCarly. Re-runs will be shown enough so Jamie can at least get residual royalty checks.
An True Role Model
With her celebrity role model status now severely compromised, Jamie Lynn tried for a desperate attempt to save her public image:
—Jamie Lynn Spears | ||
What Jamie didn't say, of course, is that she's really doing this in a desperate attempt to break her idiot mother's creepy stage-mom hold over her life. If underage sex is what it takes to break out of that lunatic trailer-trash family, then go ahead and run, Jamie. Run while you still remember how to shower.
Public Reaction
For most girls, getting pregnant before you get your driver's license is a thing that causes much drama and hardship. Of course, teen pregnancy doesn't actually matter if you're a rich celebrity with an even richer celebrity sister. Money means you can get away with whatever the hell you want, and it's not as if Jamie Lynn could be a worse parent than Britney unless she sold her babies for Red Bull. Consequently, the media doesn't seem too worried about Jamie Lynn's future.
Internets reaction
From shitty OMG gossip site TMZ
—DS | ||
—Joshua Smith | ||
—sally | ||
—Sam Dashefsky | ||
ZOMG SHE HAD THE BABY!!11!!!
On June 19th, 2008, Jamie Lynn popped out daughter Maddie Briann Aldridge somewhere in Mississippi. Here's to hoping the kid gives her absolute Hell. Since she had a daughter, if the kid follows in her slutty footsteps, Jamie Lynn can look to being a grandmother within 12 years - minimum. And if she's lucky and has a granddaughter, then she can just wait another 12 years for a great grandchild.
Jamie Lynn has been commenting to magazines to quote her about how she's completely enjoying motherhood, but did not once mention getting paid $1 million for a few pictures of her baby[2]. No, that's perfectly normal to get paid that much money (which she doesn't even need) if she's enjoying her motherhood for a few lovely pictures of her baby.
Shotgun Wedding
It has been reported that the date for the Jamie Lynn-Casey Aldridge wedding has been set for the autumn, as for the divorce that is still TBA. Britney is planned to be the maid of honor, so we can expect much lulz at the wedding reception. It is reported that there is going to be a ritual where the crotchspawn will be carried across the aisle in a basket of flowers. This is to remind us that the only reason this wedding is happening because Jamie Lynn is a cock trapping slut.
As for the wedding eats, we can expect the typical catering of fried chicken and meatballs, standard fare for every fucking reception. With Britney there in her fragile mental state, we can expect this party to become a hoot when the family starts to partake in drinking the following traditional shotgun wedding beverages:
- Steel Reserve Malt Liquor,
- Cisco,
- Jager,
- MD 20/20,
- Thunderbird, an Americunt classic.
As for the marriage, we can quote Dr. Ian Malcolm from Jurassic Park 2: "First there are 'Oohs' and 'Ahhs', next there is running and screaming."
Due to Casey's wandering cock and Jamie's Lynn's stagnant career as of March 25th 2009 the Engagement has now been canceled. Which means the world is deprived of the lulz that would come from a messy divorce.
The Other Woman
In Touch Weekly has released a special report that Casey Aldridge was sleeping with 28 year old Kelli Dawson while Jamie was pregnant. OH JOY!
—InTouch | ||
ZOMG, SHE'S PREGNANT AGAIN!
Last Thursday, Jamie told a magazine that she's been knocked up AGAIN in less than a year. At the time of publishing, Casey Aldridge (Yes, the same baby daddy as before!) didn't know. Whether she decides to keep the baby again or be Falcon Punched in the womb remains TBA. Not even face palm can handle the amount of fail here. It's really that bad.
See Also
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