Giving Advice

Giving Advice is the act of offering suggestions to a person such as you, so that they can heed the recommendations of the giver and not be such a loser as you already are.

Advice can be given to you about how bad your personal hygiene is and what you can do to remedy it, what a fat tub of lard you are and how you can make a change, how out of style your clothes are and what can be done to improve your sense of style, how dumb you are and offer some pointers on how to be, or seem, more intelligent or how you're a child molester and should kill yourself now.

Possible Problems And Advice

Problem	Advice
You smell	Take more showers and quit trying to mask your foul body odor with Ass Body Spray.
You dress like a Dork	Put some money into your clothes and shop somewhere other than Wal-Mart, try your local mall and look for price tags in the hundreds of dollars like we do. That's why ED is always lookin' so fly.
Your Mom's a Whore.	Kill yourself now because you'll never live it down
You like Animu and want to make a career drawing or writing it.	Grow the fuck up, go back to school or get your GED you lazy Dropout and then major in something useful like engineering
You can't seem to get laid	Ask yourself, is it really the opposite sex you're attracted to? Maybe playing for the Same team is what you should be doing.
You have a small Dick	Kill yourself immediately. There is nothing that can help you.
You want to become famous by shooting up your School	School shootings are so 2010. We recommend you kill yourself instead by lighting yourself on fire.
You want to get Drunk	We say go for it. Remember to have Sex too. It's perfectly safe because everyone knows that booze kills sperm cells.
You want to tell That girl in school how much you like her.	Don't make a clown move like professing your love to her. Just walk up to her and say, "Bitch. Here's my dick, start sucking."" Trust us. She'll respect you for it.
You have no respect for Women	No problem here. Carry on good sir!
Your parents call you Fat Ass	Eat less and exercise more fat ass.
You cut yourself	Quit scratching yourself with your dull ass kitchen knives you emo fuck! Invest in some razor blades to do the job right.
You had your first Period	This is a special time in a girl's life. You should find an older boy to take that offensive virginity from you before you get fat.
Someone just stabbed you	We hope you lived an interesting life so that you can look back in awe of all your awesome deeds. If not, look at it this way, at least it's over.
Your Girlfriend gave you money to pay the bills	Fuck the bills. If she wanted them paid she would have done it herself. Blow the money on booze, bimbos, and blow.
You're black	It's not our fault you're in prison. Maybe if you hadn't left that witness alive you wouldn't be doing 20 to Life
You're a loli Whore and pictures of your Tater Tots are plastered all over the internets.	Drink Bleach and then kill yourself.
Your neighbors dog barks incessantly all night keeping you up.	Ask your neighbor nicely to silence their dog. When that fail feed his dog a sponge soaked in anti-freeze or you can become convinced that the dog is talking to you and become a serial killer.
You're a feminist cuck.	You're most likely Prince Harry and should dump your nigger wife and go back home.
Purebred or mixbreed dog?	We prefer the purebred dog because you know what you are getting, behavior wise.
Someone coughs into the bong when they're smoking weed with you, getting the weed all wet.	Only a punch to the face will cure this lack of etiquette.
You're in jail or Prison and someone refuses to shower.	Get 4 or 5 people and drag their smelly ass to the shower and tell them either to wash or get their ass beat.
The cops ask you if they can search your car after they pull you over.	Tell them to Fuck off and to get a warrant right after calling them a pig and tool of the system that is designed to suppress the masses.
Someone comes to you spouting on about some Conspiracy theory.	Remind them what a retard they are.
Your Girlfriend is pregnant.	Call her a Whore and say it can't be yours because of all the sleeping around she does. When the baby is born demand a DNA test.
Your wife is pregnant	Again, all Women are whores. When that baby drops out of her Clown Hole demand a DNA test, in fact, always demand a DNA test for any kid that someone claims to be yours; married or not.
The Government is spying on you.	They are and there's nothing you can do unless you go completely off the grid.
You have no job, live in your parents' basement and are Autistic	Fill your bathtub up with water, dunk your head under and start breathing the water in and out until you remove yourself from the Teat of the tax payer.
You're curious if there's a god	The giant, flying spaghetti monster says yes, there is one.
You drive a fast car and throw money around like it's worthless	Good going, you're one of us.
You've never seen a Vagina outside of looking at one in a porn video or magazine.	You're a failure as a man and should go gay, you're probably, most likely, a bottom.
You're a Scientologist.	A shotgun mouthwash is you're only hope if you don't have the balls to quit.
You like stomping videos.	Go headbutt the sidewalk
Encyclopedia Dramatica offends you	Feel free to file a complaint here

When And How To Give Advice

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Advice is best given at the moment it is most needed. For instance, if you see a black lipsticked goth chick crying because one of the pretty girls called her fat - that is the moment to tell her to lose some weight and maybe learn some proper makeup techniques.

Advice should never be minced. For it to be taken seriously it must be said as hard and, what might appear to be cruel as possible for it to have any effect on the waste of oxygen that you are trying to help.

If you are ever in a situation where you don't know what to say, imagine what we might say to you if you were in the same situation and you will most likely be right.

The Reason For Giving Advice

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The reason people like you receive so much advice is because you are imperfect and there is no way you can ever reach the level we are at, but being the Optimists that we are, we like to think that we might be able to help you achieve a level slightly above the negative one that you're stuck at.

So when someone tells you you smell it's not because they're trying to be mean, it's because you really do smell and should take a bath.

If you believed all that, good, because that makes you an idiot and maybe you should leave the house more often and get some more real life experience.

The real reason advice is given is because it's a double edged sword. On the surface someone can sound like they're invested in your well being and are trying to improve your person but at the same time insult the fuck out of you.

Now that we've helped you with this complicated social situation maybe you can help yourself with a little more self improvement, such as, going outside, making some friends and learning that what someone says isn't really what was meant and shouldn't be taken at face value.

See also

• Adv/

• Advice Dog

Giving Advice is part of a series on Truth Visit the Truth Portal for complete coverage.

Featured article July 18 & 19, 2020
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