Facebook Friend Culling

Ever look at your Facebook friend list and wonder "Who the fuck are all these people and how did they get there?" It's at such times that a friend purge (aka unfriending) is in order. DISCLAIMER, IF YOU ARE ACTIVE ON FACEBOOK YOU ARE ALREADY DOING IT WRONG

Whom To Purge

• Who the fuck are you and what are you doing on my friend list?
• Anyone who is friends with will.i.am. PROTIP: the friend of your enemy is not your friend.
• Anyone with over 1000 friends (aka professional friend collectors).
• Anyone with under 50 friends (aka losers).
• Anyone who is ugly.
• Anyone not down with Michael Jackson jokes.
• Anyone you friended just to get neighbors on Farmville.
• Anyone who continually invites you to crap parties and events you never have and never will attend.
• Anyone you friended to suck up for a job.
• Anyone that likes Reddit.
• Anyone you friended to get in his/her pants and failed it.
• Anyone with herpes. You can catch STDs through your Facebook connections.
• Married couples. I don't need to friend both of you.
• NORPS who continually clog up your newsfeed with endless minutia about their awesome kids.
• Jews. There are already too many of them on Facebook. Don't encourage them.
• If you friended any celebrities or politicians just kill yourself right now.

Deep Cleaning

The above list will easily cut your overloaded friend list in half without having to dig too deep. If further purging is desired or required and you have some time on your hands, take a closer look at your so-called friends. Check out their favorite bands, books, movies and the pages and groups they belong to. You will doubtless be horrified to find that some of your friends like unforgivable crap and/or subscribe to ugly political causes or other special interests. You can shed dozens of 'friends' for being complete douches including:

• Anyone who likes the Black Eyed Peas.
• Anyone who likes Twilight and/or Harry Potter.
• Anyone who likes Linkin Park.
• Anyone who likes Avatar.
• Anyone who likes Your mom.
• Anyone who likes Glenn Beck.
• Anyone who likes Gears of War or other shitty games.
• Anyone who didn't want to go to Kate's Party.
• Anyone who's down with the clown.
• Anyone who frequents KYM or other shitty sites

The final solution

Delete your fucking profile, idiot.

PROTIP: Trolling Unfriends

Before you unfriend any of the above perpetrators, post this article on their wall. And if the soon to be defriended oink is one of those annoying chronic party/event inviters who have finally crossed your personal line in the sand with their latest (and last) invite, click NO to the RSVP and leave a nasty message about their imminent demise as your 'friend' that will display on the event's page for the whole class to see.

See Also

• Defriend
• DELETE FUCKING EVERYTHING
• eGenocide

External Links

• The Rule of 150

Facebook Friend Culling is part of a series on Social Media Visit the Social Media Portal for complete coverage.